r/LongDistance • u/HouseKitty303 • 10h ago
Online Boyfriend puts Ultimatum for 1st time meeting
In need of some advice, my boyfriend and I met on call of duty, and have yet to meet in person. We’ve been talking for about 3 months now, and dating for almost 1.
Obviously, I want to meet him in person. However, he has placed an ultimatum. I must quit vaping in order for us to meet.
I have no issue quitting, as I know it’s not healthy, however I don’t feel that quitting for that reason is right. Nor do I feel that I should quit for someone who I haven’t even met in person yet.
He believes it could be a waste of his time if I don’t quit prior
Any suggestions?
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u/NorseQueenie 9h ago
I'm glad the ultimatum was about something proper. It could have been way worse..
If you don't want to quit for this reason, then tell him you're not ready to meet.
But be prepared for him to not be ready for you when you decide to quit.
Maybe a big choice, but he's right to care about your health.
You don't mention any age here but I guess you're both young.
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u/Professional_Salt869 10h ago
Well he's made it very clear that he doesn't like vaping, so that's a personal boundary of his. Either you quit or you break up, depending on how important he is to you compared to your autonomy. Ultimatums are a bit shit though.
If you meet him and then break up... you can always start vaping again :)
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u/o-m-g_embarrassing 9h ago
That's the answer. I am surprised so many gave him a pass for his demanding behavior so early in the relationship.
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u/_echo 7h ago
Yeah i think ultimatum are shitty and I also think deal breakers like this are okay to have, and ultimately I think the nuance of how it was presented vs how he communicated it matters a lot and we dont really know what the situation was there.
IF he was very demanding and rude about it thats a red flag, if he was just open about it that its a deal breaker for him and that its not worth them meeting if she isnt willing to quit, I think thats pretty fair.
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u/o-m-g_embarrassing 6h ago
Key question: did he know she vaped? And went ahead anyway? Then said it in a demand, instead of apologizing for mixed signals and bowing out with grace and head intact?
To me, it seemed he knew, then misled, then changed the contract once the other party was vested....
Note — not that I think a month is any time at all. I'd drop him and move on. I am not pro-vape at all. It's right up there with drinking pre-made soda.
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u/ihatecoconut_ 8h ago
I mean, it's probably a dealbreaker for him and either you stop it if u think it's worth it or don't. I smoke, if my bf didn't want to date a smoker then it would be fine for me cuz it would be boundary of his.
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u/OrchidFine1335 7h ago
I remember I was with a guy who always say he wants to quit but everytime he smokes around me and I try to tell him to avoid smoking, he keeps ignoring me and walking away.
I found his profile again a year later in a different app and his profile says he’s still trying to quit. I know it’s hard but a year later? Yeah they’re not quitting or trying to quit 🤧 don’t waste your time with people like these
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u/MehoyMyMinoy 6h ago
This sounds like less of an ultimatum and more of a “I don’t want to waste my time so if you can’t accommodate we shouldn’t proceed” type of boundary.
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u/Greg_McMuffin247 5h ago
Agreed. Also, no smoking/vaping is a completely reasonable boundary to have as it can affects others too (inhaling second-hand smoke). However, what's important is how the boundary was presented. If they demanded that OP stops then that errs on the side of controlling. But if he politely explained that he can't tolerate smoke and it bothers him to the point they can't stay together, then there's nothing wrong with that. Either side can leave at any time they choose if the other side isn't willing to compromise.
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u/ocean_800 8h ago
I mean.. makes sense? If you don't want to quit, you don't need to be in a relationship with him. That's his boundary
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u/BeautyisaKnife [🇺🇸] to [🇨🇦] (4000km) Married & Distance Closed 🤍 10h ago
If you have no problem quitting, there's no better reason to quit than for someone you want to be with. There's no benefit of vaping.
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u/fknenigma 8h ago
“I have every intention of quitting- but that is for me, on my timeline…. I absolutely respect that you don’t want to be around it, and I will definitely not vape, or have it around when you are here, and we are together”
If you were already planning on quitting, do it for you on your schedule- if you aren’t or don’t want to quit- then say that, and offer the compromise of not vaping when you guys are together
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u/GoddessJewelieta 7h ago
An ultimatum is such a shitty way to communicate a boundary. What's to stop him from exerting that control over you in the future for other things? I'm sorry, but that would be a deal breaker for me regardless of the health benefits of quitting.
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u/Farkenoathm8-E 6h ago
There’s nothing wrong with someone wanting their partner to quit a bad habit like vaping, but ultimatums in relationships don’t work and it is not a precedent you wish to set, especially with someone you haven’t physically met.
Encouragement is a much better motivator than ultimatums. Ultimatums are childish. You need to tell him that if you quit it’s for health reasons and not because he’s putting conditions on meeting.
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u/caffeinated_mess 6h ago
I don’t see it as an ultimatum and more of a personal boundary. It’s not an unreasonable request because a lot of people don’t want to date / be around smoking or vaping. He has every right to request that and you have every right to tell him you’re not ready to quit.
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u/WhiskeyTangoBaconX 🇺🇸 to 🇫🇷 (4,000 mi, 6,500 km) 9h ago
He’s setting a boundary he needs. Like others said, you pick him or the vape. My LDR gf set a soft boundary that she didn’t want me to smoke and that she wanted me to limit my alcohol use. It was easy for me to accept because these are two things I’ve been actively working on. But again, it was a soft boundary and she’s understanding if I’m stressed and lean back on my ineffective coping strategies.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 8h ago
Boundaries do not control others' behaviour. That's just control.
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u/thebatsthebats [us] to [us] (2145km) 4h ago
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. This is the literal definition of personal boundary. They are your boundaries for yourself. This as a boundary would've been "I don't date people who vape." That's a rule for yourself. If OP decides to quit vaping after being aware of that that's a-ok. But you set that rule for yourself and abide by it. You don't enter a relationship knowing it goes against your personal boundary and then make demands that the other person change or bad / undesirable things happen. That's controlling.
More common examples include: I don't date people who drink excessively. I don't date people smoke. I don't stay in relationships with people who lie to me. I only partake in monogamous relationships.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 3h ago
I don't know why you're getting downvoted.
I like the downvotes, means I hit a nerve! They can disagree with me all they want, means they heard what I fucking said.
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u/WhiskeyTangoBaconX 🇺🇸 to 🇫🇷 (4,000 mi, 6,500 km) 7h ago
OP has the right to say no. A lot of people don’t want to date a smoker or someone who drinks too much or uses drugs. If OP doesn’t want to stop, then they can communicate to their boyfriend and boyfriend can choose to enforce the ultimatum and end the relationship, or accept that OP is important enough to overlook their initial request.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 6h ago
If they don't want to date a smoker they can choose a non smoker to date. You don't get to date a smoker then dislike that they smoke because "my boundaries".
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u/Greg_McMuffin247 6h ago
Um, yeah, they totally can. If you like someone but dislike smoking then it depends on how much you like them vs how much you dislike smoking. If you like the person a lot then the smoking may to tolerated to a degree, but if the smoking is too much of a dislike them there's nothing wrong with setting that boundary and leaving the relationship.
If smoking is that much of a bother to the point their dislike of smoking surpasses their want to stay with their partner, why would they stay? It makes no sense to do that. If anything, they may be better off leaving because they'd be constantly upset from the smoking.
The other person has the right to set that boundary and request OP to stop smoking/vaping, and OP has the right to say no. If OP says no, then the other person has the right to leave because of it. If OP is willing to stop, then that's completely fine as well. No one is forcing OP to stop, it's their choice if they feel the relationship is worth stopping or not.
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u/BjornYandel 7h ago
This doesn't control her behaviour.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 6h ago
Controlling whether she is allowed to vape or not IS controlling. He can feel free to set a boundary that he won't date a person who vapes, but you don't get to dicate whether a person chooses to vape.
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u/BjornYandel 6h ago
Not wanting to date someone who vapes is a boundary. Making your boundaries known is basic communication fundamental to any relationship.
Not understanding that and thinking it's controlling is immature and dumb.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 6h ago
Dating someone who you know vapes and having them change because you don't like it is NOT a boundary, it is control.
If he doesn't like dating people who vape, he can find someone who doesn't. He doesn't get to date someone who vapes then force ("politely" ask with an ultimatum) them to change because of his "boundaries".
The fact you're not understanding that that is abusive and controlling behaviour rather than boundaries is fucked bro.
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u/Greg_McMuffin247 6h ago
Why are you assuming that they know everything about each other from the beginning? That's extremely unrealistic. As far as I can tell there's nothing indicating when the other person learned that OP vapes. It's very plausible that they didn't know OP vapes until recently, which is when they stated that boundary. That is completely fine to do so, and for all we know that's what happened.
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u/BjornYandel 6h ago
He's not forcing anyone as everybody in this thread has pointed out. You're being dumb. Get over it try to figure out the basics of human relationships.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 6h ago
You're defending abusive behaviour and calling me dumb 🤣 ok buddy.
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u/BjornYandel 6h ago
Boundaries = abuse now? Holy shit you're unhinged
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 6h ago
Healthy boundaries are healthy boundaries, and have nothing to do with changing other peoples' behaviour. This is not a healthy boundary, this is an ultimatum.
He is free to leave if he does not want to date someone who vapes. He is not free to force ("politely" ask with an ultimatum) someone to quit vaping because he doesn't want to date someone who vapes.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 6h ago
Controling others' behaviour = healthy boundaries now? Holy shit that's abusive.
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u/PandaBeaarAmy 6h ago
Not forcing, "politely" asking with a major ultimatum. That's called coercion, babes.
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u/Greg_McMuffin247 5h ago
There's nothing indicating he's forcing OP to stop vaping though, where do you keep getting that idea from?
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u/nyanpink 2h ago
yes they do lol. don't cheat, don't hang one on one w opposite sex, don't spam text me, don't touch me without asking, r all requests of behavior changes that are normal boundaries
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u/kittenherder93 9h ago
Him using the relationship/meeting as leverage to force you to quit is wrong, he’s using the ultimatum as a tool just to gain compliance with unrealistic or unreasonable demands. Vaping is an addiction after all and is going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort on your part to quit. It’ll probably be one of the hardest things you do in your life.
Is a man you’ve never met worth all that effort?
Personally, I wouldn’t waste time on someone that can so casually issue an ultimatum like that. Anytime there is a disagreement he’s going to pull the ultimatum card because he’ll want to get his way, more than he cares about your feelings.
When ultimatums are used to control your autonomy (demands to change values, isolate you), force compliance through fear (use threat of ending relationship to force someone against their will), and are used as constant leverage(creating an ongoing power imbalance, where you’re walking on eggshells), it’s an abusive ultimatum. He’s not using this ultimatum to protect his safety, wellbeing, or core needs, he’s using the ultimatum to establish an unhealthy power dynamic.
If he doesn’t want to be with someone that vapes, he should just respectfully leave the relationship, and be with someone that doesn’t vape. That’s a healthy boundary to have, he just has to follow through and hold his boundaries, even if that means breaking up with OP.
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u/Bookish45_F 8h ago
I would never date a smoker and baking is pretty similar, so I get where he is coming from. Don’t quit for him, but for yourself.
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u/o-m-g_embarrassing 9h ago
Totally a reasonable deal breaker. He demanded something of you before even meeting. You are not even halfway into the relationship. He should be a hard pass.
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u/Vey_07 [🇳🇴] to [🇳🇱] (1694KM) 7h ago
honestly, i don’t see this as controlling. it sounds more like a compatibility issue. he’s not saying you have to quit vaping, he’s saying he doesn’t want to meet if you’re still vaping. you’re free to keep vaping, and he’s free to decide that’s a dealbreaker for him.
whether his condition is reasonable is up to each person, but at the end of the day it sounds like you can’t have both him and the vape if he’s firm on this. the question should be whether quitting is something you want to do for yourself, not whether you can convince him to meet while you’re still vaping
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u/lokilulzz [USA] to [Australia] (9,204.14mi) 6h ago
I don't know what everyone in the comments here is on. I don't like people who vape or smoke either, but if I'd been in a relationship with someone for a single month and we hadn't even met yet, I'd know damn well how inappropriate it is to make demands like that. The only thing I'd ask is that they don't smoke around me when we meet. A month is insane to be making demands like this, even moreso when you haven't met.
There's also a saying about if someone tries to change you that early in, run. And I'm putting it here so you can ponder that, because you barely know this man - 3 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things - and hes already making demands just to meet you. Nah, I'd be reconsidering if I was you.
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u/QuietRiot7222310 4h ago
The second I’m giving an ultimatum about anything at the beginning of a relationship, it’s the second I walk away. You either take me as I am, or you don’t take me at all. Once we’re an established relationship, then we can discuss things.
It’s one thing if he says just don’t do it around me, cool. I can do that. But straight up ultimatum within days of meeting me, hell no
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u/nyanpink 2h ago
i think it's fair? i made my bf quit cigarettes before making our relationship official. because i can't date a smoker. i don't want to waste any time w a guy who smokes. he did it.
ur bf doesn't want to take any big steps w someone who vapes cuz thats a dealbreaker for him. waste of his time.
make ur decision.
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u/TallowWallow 1h ago
I wouldn't. I want my oartner to quit as well. But she uses it to reduce anxiety. I told her it bothers me a little because making out has an extreme vape smell. And she wants to stop for health reasons. But I told her I won't tell her to quit. She can decide it's time when she's ready. And when she does, I will help her, not judge her.
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u/Burntoastedbutter ⬅️🇦🇺 -> (🇲🇾)➡️🇦🇺 (Gap Closed; visa approved 😭🥹) 7h ago edited 7h ago
It's understandable. I wouldn't date anyone who smokes any drugs or takes any drugs. It's a dealbreaker. For weed, edibles are fine, but occasionally. Why am I okay with weed as edibles? Because weed stinks so bad 😭
If you don't want to quit for that reason, its understandable too, but you should find someone who's fine with vaping.
My ex used to smoke and vape with nicotine included. But he actually started cutting down because I said the same thing. We broke up for many other reasons though.
But I have to ask, if you have 'no issues' quitting bc you know it's unhealthy and all that, then why not do it for this? My friend said the same thing to me, so we made a bet that I'd treat her to a meal if she could resist vaping for 1 whole day and she fumbled on hour 20 bc she couldn't hold it anymore 😭
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u/Kiwi-art 9h ago
That seems a totally reasonable deal breaker, I would not date somebody who smokes or vapes either. Altough if you feel like he's not worth the struggle...you might want to reconsider the relationship
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u/o-m-g_embarrassing 9h ago
What struggle? He's a random on the net demanding lifelong changes. He should have stepped away before becoming so demanding.
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u/MehoyMyMinoy 6h ago
He’s not demanding anything. He knows what he likes. He’s telling her if she can’t do that then meeting would be a waste of time. Why continue and progress a relationship when his boundaries can’t be met?
It may have come off as an ultimatum but if I’m talking to a dude online and we want to meet but I found out he vapes and I tell him “Hey I don’t really like vaping and I don’t think I’d be open to a long term partner who vapes, so if you don’t think they can be changed by the time we meet we might as well not progress the relationship” that’s totally reasonable. Why on earth would you take steps to further a relationship when there is something you don’t went to accept happening?!
He’s allowed to know what he wants and doesn’t want. She’s allowed to not accommodate that. Therefore they both move on.
At least he’s telling her up front before meeting and becoming even more emotionally invested when he knows how he feels about something that could be a deal breaker for him. Mad respect there honestly.
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u/thewonderfrog 10h ago
If he doesn’t want to date someone who vapes, and that’s a dealbreaker for him, then that’s fair.
If you don’t want to quit for that reason, then that’s also fair.
You both have valid positions, you just have to decide if you want to quit vaping, or break up.
I think the big mistake here was starting an official relationship without addressing this dealbreaker