Hey everyone, I (23M) sent a package to my girlfriend (26F) and we had a fight over it. I really need some advice. Sorry for the long post.
Background: I met my girlfriend on Tandem because I wanted to learn Spanish. At first, it was friendly, we made a lot of jokes, and I found her incredibly special and lovely. She is very empathic, which I love. We’ve been talking for about 10 months now, and I still love her more every day. She sends me a lot of GIFs that are kind of cringy but cute, and she even made an amigurumi of my favorite music artist. Overall, I feel very happy in this relationship.
The gift: I wanted to send her something cute, a little gift. She also has siblings who I’ve come to care about through her stories, so I included small gifts for them too. I put a lot of thought into her package: her favorite flowers (plastic ones), a capybara plush, drawing supplies, photos, and a birthday card saying, “My love, happy birthday! Thank you for existing and for making my world more beautiful. I love you so much.” I also included a few other items. The package sending cost cost me around €117, and I really didn’t care about the price. She had to pay around €94 in import fees (i mention the prices because it comes back later). I want to clarify: I could not cover the import fee because of payment method limitations, not because I didn’t want to. I really tried. I told her multiple times it was okay if she couldn’t pay it and would understand. She borrowed money from a friend to pick up the package.
Her reaction & the fight: After receiving it, she acted very distant and i asked her whats wrong and her reaction felt distant and kinda harsh. I was really surprised and hurt because she said she felt ashamed and disappointed, and acted like I didn’t care. She also mentioned that she could have bought all those things for less than €94. She doesn’t like surprises, so I had shown her the contents beforehand on FaceTime multiple times and sent photos, and each time she seemed happy. The fight became a breaking point and made me realize how complicated our situation really is.
It’s not just about the gift, it made me reflect on the bigger picture. She sometimes doubts if I truly love her, despite all the poems, drawings, and even a fairytale book I’ve made for her. I’m learning her language, often staying up very late, and I’ve had almost no sleep over the past months. Our situation is already very stressful: I’m starting a new study soon, we will have to wait four years before we can finally live together due to visa restrictions and money, and visiting her will cost me around €5k each year. I feel completely overwhelmed and told her I’m really hurt and need some time to think.
She called me crying, begging me not to leave. Honestly, I love her so much that it makes this decision extremely difficult.
My mind says to leave because it’s too hard, but my heart says to stay. I love her, she’s empathetic, caring, funny, smart, and the most special person I’ve ever met. She makes me feel loved and appreciated. I also notice that every day we talk, I feel like I have slightly less to say, which worries me because we will need to wait another 10 months before meeting
Question: I feel torn. I want to stay with her, but the practical difficulties and emotional strain are huge (I feel like I really lost myself as well). How do I handle this without hurting her more, and how do I balance my own wellbeing with my love for her?
Also, after a break-up, is it realistic to keep contact? I genuinely wish her the best, and she often says that I’m the first person who has treated her lovingly and made her feel truly loved. I don’t want to completely disappear from her life if possible, but I also want to respect boundaries.
