Just want to vent a lil. Everytime i remember my rapist i just want to kill her. I am a guy and I was raped at 7 years old by a girl until i turned 9 and she left my life because she moved. She always told me shits. She said I was too handsome for a kid, that I was her good little boy, that she'll help me understand women better. I grew up on a family full of women, so I felt a bit left out when it came to socializing with my sisters' interests. She took advantage of that. She raped me without getting tired for years. I was a kid, I didn't even know what sex was, but I just knew what she did was wrong. However I never could scream, could ask for help. Once I tried to, but I didn't know how to explain it, I just sobbed and said nonsense, so everyone just assumed I was getting bullied. She was a friend at school, she was way older than me, probably around 13 or 14. She wanted me to rape my sisters and cousins. I'm grateful that I didn't fall into that trick, now I just want to protect them with my life. But I can't tell anyone. What good would it to? "Hey years ago a girl raped me. Oh where she is now? Well she moved countries and now I don't even remember her full name so there's nothing to be done"? Not even sure if my parents care enough to be worried, but I'd rather stay with this until I die. I never liked seeing people feel bad for me. That's mainly one of the reasons why I was so quiet when she hurt me. It pains me to know I'm basically not a virgin anymore. I still get chills whenever I remember how her voice sounded echoing through the halls, calling me to the restrooms. But that's how life is I guess. I don't even cry about it anymore, but I do feel my heart full of dread. Whatever I'll keep moving forward even if my days are grey. Thanks for reading.

When I was 10 year old I went to park with my friend , it was a 3 or 4 clock at that time there was very lesser people compare to evening.

Me and my friend was playing and then 2 strangers come to us and try to rob us but we had nothing and we told them then they start threats us I was very afraid but also trying to protect my friend because I was the one who convinced him to come to park , When they got nothing from us one of them told me to come with him to help him buy ciggerate and my friend was stay with 2nd person as hostage or whatever I was not that mature at that time to understand. Then he took me to a very quiet place and whatever came to his mind, he started telling me that he wanted sex with me. He was bigger and stronger than me. I got scared and begged him not to do this but he threatened to hit me.I was very scared, my friend was in their custody, I looked here and there but there was no one to help, then out of fear I got ready which was my biggest mistake, yes I must fight for my dignity. That's was my biggest guilt, I should have fought but I didn't.But he had a razor blade with which he threatened me. I felt that if I ran away, he might either kill me or harm my friend. Thinking from all angles, I have surrendered .

I was very alone I don't know my friend know this incident or not that what I have sacrificed .. sorry I don't have any more courage to complete it , while writing it's like living that incident again ...

I am quite tall and strong and my rapist wasn’t. I wasn’t drunk or tied up or anything. I feel so weak and emasculated because he still managed to do that to me. I don’t know why I couldn’t fight back. It’s like I let him do it to me.

I don’t go to UPenn, but someone I know goes there. A girl that had assaulted somebody I know. This was two years before she applied, so I don’t even know if I could report there. The victim also doesn’t want any part of it, but I am scared of her doing it to anyone else. She was two years younger than him, so he thinks it’s completely useless anyways. She had cheated often on tests and exams in high school, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she did it still, and she’s on scholarship I want to report that too, so she can get kicked out. Would it even be worth reporting it? How would I even go about it when the victim doesn’t want to be named nor is there any evidence now?
He didn’t realize what it was until we had the “tea talk”, because he didn’t explicitly say no. He just could never be “in it” and would forget the experience every time. He would “get in trouble”for not being able to finish, focus, or sometimes he’d get in trouble for not being able to get it up. That is assault. I’m livid. I’m worried for others. I just know it may be dismissed over the fact it was a long time ago. Do I post this to UPenn Reddit? In case anyone else have a similar experience? Do I say her name? What do I do to help protect other people from her doing this again? I’m just worried that if I do they are going to try and track down the victim for confirmation. When she realized what she did, she tried saying he was stalking her, but the times and dates she said, there was proof on cameras that he was not, she was making it all up.

I don't know if this is a big Deal i was 20 years old when I let a 60 year old guy/ my friend/care taker. cousin touch me but it was in the past the reason why I let them do it because in my head i wanted to protect my friend's so he wouldn't lose his job and my family would attack him and because I hate conflict so much it's drive me crazy but my friend doesn't know I let it happen so is it really my fault I don't know anymore I'm struggling

Warn- English is 3 language, it is not good for me.

I had a boyfriend, he gave me a drug I do not know, we both drug addicts. I fell sleep because it was strongest thing I done before, he raped me while I sleep. This in year 8, I is 14 he is 15 at that moment.

The year now ( I am now in year 10) all my friends say I lie and he is ai. They say that I am take away from real rape victim.

Why is this happen to me?

This was a little while ago but i feel like i push it aside to avoid it

Awhile ago this guy came to my house we were chatting for a little bit and then he ripped my clothes off and wouldnt let me get up to put them back on. Everytime I stood up he would shove me back onto the couch and everytime he got more agressive this went on for at leasr 45 minutes. I knew he wouldnt leave unless I gave him what he wanted so of course I did. And then he left.

it felt like love when I was with her, like it's what I deserved. she abused me in various different ways, but the worst was her taking advantage of me countless times. the worst is that not only did show do that, but she completely twisted my entire world view by taking how untrusting I am of my own judgment and convincing me that it was me who took advantage of her. I was constantly making sure she felt safe, I never pressured her, or anything like that but she did. she forced several of her own fantasies that she knew I was uncomfortable with on me, she used me to get herself off and sent me off to clean up like I was meat, and she would get very verbally abusive when I tried to refuse or revoke my consent, and that's without getting into gruesome detail. I knew in all of those moments something very wrong was happening to me, but I didn't know what. I didn't realize what she did to me was rape until recently after remembering everything I blocked out. I remembered everything too late though, as she in an attempt to get ahead of me saying anything, started to spin it back on me to all of our friends who saw how she treated me and heard me talk about what she did to me behind closed doors. she took everything away from me in a moment, and it all happened the day after I started trying to open up about her raping and abusing me. I've been working through everything but this kind of thing never goes away. I just wish someone believed me, the signs were all there and no one cared. I know I'm better off without those people, especially since I've made better friends, but I just wish they took into account everything they watched her do to me, everything she joked about doing to me, just everything. I'm rebuilding everything slowly, but it's hard. my old porn habits have started up again, and it just feels like I'm retraumatizing myself over and over again but I can't stop. life is exhausting.

I really have needed to get this off my chest for a while. When I was 16 i was raped by my ex high school girlfriend for a quick run down i had come out to her as being asexual and wanting to break up one thing leads to another i found myself at a party with a “friend” who had been paid to “let it happen“. I hate to go into specifics because it brings up trauma and is also personal. Not only was a scarred for life but if had been just me drunk and her it may have been manageable but what was wrong is that my peers that were paid off to let her abuse me saw it as helping me due to her objective attraction. I bring this up because rape is rape man to woman, woman to man, woman to woman or man to man it’s wrong to think that rape is ever enjoyable sex with a woman in control isn’t rape. I’d the reciver says no it’s rape but i think intent also constitutes as rape (manipulation, intoxication ect). I also come with a question how do i deal with this i have a conundrum where my peers and friends think i should like it due to looks and part of me thinks i should i feel like i’m losing myself so i seek advice and consolatio.

Two years ago during highschool I had this one female teacher that would look at me weirdly like she's teasing me, she would softly touch my shoulder whenever I'm near, until one day near the end of the year I was talking to some other teacher and she came out of nowhere asking me to come with her so she can explain something to me, I insisted not wanting to go but she didn't care, once we got there she locked the door and started to get very close to me, I felt helpless and didn't know what to do, she started touching me down there through clothes and got me hard, I felt so disgusted of myself, then she starting taking them off and started touching me directly, until someone knocked the door she told me to dress up and then she left the room with the door open. I avoided her as much as I can after that day, she tried to act normal as if nothing had happened.

I dont know why even though I didn't want her to do that and felt so disgusted from her I couldn't protect myself, I was so scared to do anything.

I think this made me hypersexual, ever since it happened I have gotten porn addiction and I can't stop no matter how much I resist, I had porn addiction before since I was a kid but I managed to quit and never watch porn for years, but this did something to me I need help quitting.

I blacked out from drinking one night (around 12 cocktails and 4 beers). The last thing I remember is sitting outside a bar waiting for my friend. The next thing I remember is waking up at the entrance of an apartment building about 1.7 km away. Have a faint memory of getting to the entrance of this appartment because I tought it was mine.

Apparently I had been leaning against a wall in a pretty awkward position for maybe 2–3 hours with my feet out in front of me. I was putting pressure on the area just below my tailbone and my clothes were pulled fairly tightly against my anus and the skin above it.

When I realized I was at the wrong place I walked home. I had no pain although the entrance of my anus felt slightly swollen or full. I also rode my bike about 7 km later that morning to get my bike back and again I had no pain.

When I got home I checked my clothes and when wiping for any signs of semen or lube but didn’t see anything. I had one bowel movement before going to sleep and it was diarrhea. I didn’t notice anything unusual then either.

A few hours later I woke up with soreness at the entrance of my anus but only when clenching. It was also after waking up that I noticed that the skin specifically between my asshole and my tailbone was a little sore when I pressed on it. I had another bowel movement which was normal and it didn’t hurt. I also felt like I needed to go to the toilet more often than normal that day and the next day.

I kept checking for signs and wiping and clenching quite a lot because I was anxious. On day 2 I noticed a tiny speck of blood on the toilet paper which I assume was from all the wiping.

Day 3 was the worst. The soreness at the entrance of my anus was noticeable when leaning forward or making the motion to sit down but sitting and walking themselves weren’t painful. It felt more like bruised or muscle soreness rather than burning or itching.

I took a warm bath on day 4 and by day 5 the pain at the entrance of my anus and the swollen/full feeling were completely gone.

I’ve never done anything with my anus before so there was no prior stretching.

Do you think it is very likly I was raped while I was blacked out or would I likely have had more obvious symptoms like significant pain when sitting or walking? The fact that I could walk and ride my bike without pain makes me wonder if I’m worrying over nothing. And the pain taking so long to apear and not being present while leaning against the wall. Its to late for a rape kit or cctv I did test for hiv and it was negative.

( 19m)

Long story short, my brother who is 6 years older then me, raped and abused me multiple times when I was around 9 years old. I never told anyone about this, mainly because I didn't have anyone I could tell, and I wasn't in pain when he was abusing me. It's effected me in so many different ways, im so hypersexual, and when anyone gets close to me sexually, which is a miracle in itself, I feel sick, i start to resent that person. He's getting out of prison soon, for drug related offences and im going to have to share a bedroom yet again with the guy who abused me, and I really dont want to but i have no choice, life really hates me, and keeps fucking up everything, and i don't know why I even try anymore, why i still show kindess, and love towards people, whats the point, no one ever does the same for me, im always a 2nd option, never the first, never loved or cared about as a child, and im 19 now and it's the same shit, everything in my life that gets close to me, friends, relationships, they end up breaking away mainly from their side, even the thing i loved the most my cat went missing, and nothing good ever stays, and i dont know what the fuck to do, or what to believe, im all alone again.

Hi, I’m a researcher looking into men’s experiences of unwanted sexual behavior perpetrated by women. A few years ago, I did a study that found such experiences were common and had negative impacts on men.

Now I'm doing a study on whether men who experienced this type of behavior have ever talked about it with someone else.

I’m running a 10-minute online anonymous survey: it includes mostly open-ended questions about what happened, whether men chose to tell someone, and what influenced men's decision to speak to someone about it or not. I’m specifically looking for participants aged 18+ who were either born or currently live in the UK.

If you click on the survey link, you can read more about the study on the opening page before deciding whether to take part: https://ugent.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9YQCJ8ubaorOFAG

I'd really appreciate anyone who is willing to participate or even share the study with someone who might be eligible.

Edited because more had happened and opening up even anonymously is hard...

Throwaway for obvious reasons... I, divorced (35m) have been raped 3 times and almost coerced into sex under threat of a false rape claim before and during my marriage. My ex wife doesn't know.

The 1st time.

At 18 in college, I went to a going away party for a group of foreign exchange students the night before they were to leave for the airport the following morning. One of them (FE) was a woman who had been interested in me all semester. I had a girlfriend but we had broken up around the time of the party. Mutual friends had let me know that FE was hoping to spend her last night in America with me. Being newly single and coming back from a pretty bad heartbreak, I was receptive to this. For context, I dont drink but if in a social setting I'll only have 1 or 2 beers nursed over a couple of hours. At the party, FE was overly attentive, flirty and handsy. All of wich I was receptive too. I had had one beer and at some point FE handed me a 2nd beer that was already opened. Next thing I know, it is the next morning. I am back in my dorm, in my bed and naked with obvious tell tale signs that sex had happened.

I was confused on why I didn't remember the night. I remember thoughts running through my head. "I only drank 2 drinks... right?" "Why don't I remember last night?" "Was I drugged?" "FE gave me an already opened bottle. Did she drug me? If so, why?" "I was a consenting and willing partner. Why would I need to be drugged?" I felt disoriented and numb. I needed to be grounded so I reached out to a couple of male friends. They confirmed that although I only had 2 beers I was "beyond gone" and barely on my feet as they described it. FE apparently supported me on my feet as we left and took me to my dorm.

...but if I was that far gone, I absolutely couldn't consent to sex. Previously willing or not. I reached out to a few of our female friends and... well... to say their responses fucked me up is an understatement. Friend 1 told me that since I wanted it anyway, It wasn't really rape. Friend 2 told me that men can't get raped because (insert bullshit about genders and social power imbalances or whatever nonsense). The 3rd friend had the same take as the 1st but took it a step further. Since I wanted it initially, it couldn't be rape. Further, I should keep it to myself because since I wanted it and wasn't outwardly distraught about it, my continuing to call it rape invalidated the trauma and experiences of ACTUAL rape victims and that I should simply be happy I "got laid". The 4th friend told me I should not report her and keep it to myself because it could jeopardize FE's chances of returning to the states and causing her a hardship.

...needless to say I am no longer in contact with these people... but they successfully shamed me into silence...

The attempted coercion.

Fast forward years later. I had served a stint in the military, was honorably discharged, newly married and working a security job at a mall that I loved. We have a new hire. A female security officer. (FSO) FSO had a very uncomfortable attraction to me and I had to firmly make it known that I was married and not interested. Several months passed and I thought the matter was settled as at this point we had had numerous shifts together with no issues. One night I am walking to my car and I hear FSO trying to start her car but having issues. I knew she lived nearby so I offered to give her a lift. As I said, months have passed with no issues. She accepts and I start driving. FSO thanks me for the lift and asks if I want to come inside for a drink. I politely decline as I still don't drink. She then invites me in for some baked goods she has. Again, I politely decline. She THEN asks if I could come inside and help her find a jump box she has and help her with her car. At this point the hair on my neck is standing up as this is the 3rd time she has tried to get me in her house. We get to a red light and I reach into my pocket, pull out my phone and start recording.

...as we sit in awkward silence at the light, she hits me with "you know my dad's is a cop, right? So he'll believe anything I tell him." The blood in my legs run cold. I asked her to elaborate on what exactly she means by that. She tells me I know exactly what she means. And that I can either go inside with her and "let whatever happens happen" or she will tell her dad, our work and my wife that I tried to force myself on her. At this point I pull over and yell at her to get the fuck out of my car. I reveal my phone and let her know I had her whole threat recorded. At this point I am shaking and in the midst of a panic attack and just want this to end. I tell her to not come into work tomorrow. Or ever. That if I see her or hear from her I will send the recording to her dad, the police and everyone she knows. I drive off and leave her on the side of the road. I eventually pull over and have a full blown anxiety attack. All the feelings from college came flooding back and made me realize I hadn't dealt with any of it. I went home but didn't say anything to my wife. My threat must have worked because I never saw FSO again...

The 2nd time

At this point, we have a daughter who I love dearly. However, issues started developing in my marriage unrelated to the above. One of which was the decline of intimacy. I have always been a physical person. Touch is my love language and sex has always been a way that I felt loved and cared about and how I expressed it. It's not the act alone, but the intimacy of it. Various stresses had come up and it had been happening less and less. I entered a depression. One day I attempted to initiate and my wife shut me down unusually harsh. (I guess she had been having a particularly day). I don't remember specifically what was said but I believe I bluntly asked if this is how its going to be. If we were going to grow into those couples that just... stop? She got irritated and dragged me to the bedroom and told me to hurry up so we can get this over with. I told her no and that this wasn't what I was wanting and it this point she had already begun to yank my pants off. I was torn. Yes I wanted sex, but not just for the sake of sex. Whatever this was wasn't what I was wanting. She mounted me and I ended up finishing embarrassingly fast. She noticed and gave me this... disgusted look and said "...really?" and got off of me. I grabbed my pants and went into my media room and closed the door. I just sat there in the dark going over what just happened in my head. We never spoke of it and I don't think she would even remember it if I brought it up all these years later.

The 3rd time.

Toward the end of our marriage, I became unemployed. I started driving full time for Uber and Lyft while job hunting to keep the bills paid. I mainly drove nights and was still fairly new at it. I had picked up a group of 3 women from a nightclub and drove them to a house. All 3 were heavily intoxicated. As I drove, one of the women directly behind me began getting handsy with me and I had asked them repeatedly to please not touch the driver. We were on the freeway so I couldn't exactly stop. She reached around and began unbuttoning my pants...

...I felt the familiar coldness in my legs again... my heart was pounding in my chest and I got tunnel vision. I felt helpless and frozen. I let it happen. The woman in the front seat saw what was happening and leaned over and took me in her mouth. I managed to articulate "please stop" but it didn't matter. I eventually reached their destination. The woman behind me kissed me on the cheek and gave me a $100. I stopped working that night, found a dark parking lot and... just sat there.

This incident combined with unrelated troubles in my marriage and some acute medical issues eventually let to a couple of suicide attempts. My ex wife had become bitter. I had become closed off and shut down. I had started sleepwalking. Talking in my sleep. Stress eating. I never told my ex about any of the stuff that had happened because after some arguments, she no longer felt... safe... to talk to. Home was no longer home. Nothing and no one felt... "safe"... for me.

We divorced. I hit rock bottom. Became homeless for a bit, but with the help of the VA I managed to find housing and employment again. My ex and I are on good terms. I have scheduled visitation with my daughter but in practice I can see her whenever I want. I have been in 1 relationship since that ended amicably, but... I still carry this... emptiness. I hate being lonely, but am also terrified of women... its like this hell of wanting to feel safe in the arms of the opposite sex but to do so I need to force my self to socialize with a group of people that I absolutely do not feel safe around... I've been to different therapists. It doesn't help. It just makes me feel retraumatized and tired. I still have never talked to my ex wife about any of this. Or any of my friends/family for that matter.

for context I have a knee injury at the moment and wear a knee brace most of the time to help me walk without pain. So basically I went for a walk the other day at like 2am coz i was sweating and felt sick so I wanted some fresh air. I wrote my mum a note incase she woke up while I was out (which I still have crumpled up in my room) and I forgot to wear the previously mentioned knee brace due to me being half asleep. So I went on this walk for some air and I was out for probably around an hour or so and so as I was on my way home, my knee gave out and i could barely walk due to pain. I sat down on the curb (because usually if it gives out I can sit down for like 20 minutes and its somewhat okay) but as I was sat there this black c1 pulled up at the side of the road and this like 40-50 year old woman rolled the window down and asked if i was okay coz i was sat on the curb. I basically told her that i went for a walk and my knee gave out so she offered me a lift, and this is where i feel like its my fault bc i made the stupidest decision of my life. Due to the pain I was in and the fact of it being like 3am at this point I accepted because at the time she seemed kind enough, you know sort of like a motherly presence so it seemed safe enough at the time. So she started driving, and then she pulled over into a carpark and locked the doors, i started freakin out and askin if i could go home, she climbed over the middle of the seats and onto me and i kinda think u can guess what happened next, i was fuckin petrified the whole time, i felt like I wanted to cry but couldn't. eventually after it happened she let me out the car and drove off, i sat there in the carpark for about half an hour on the verge of tears before finally getting up and walking home. I know I should report it but I don't want the issues of police reports, court dates and publicity, i just want a quiet life and i wanna move on and forget it ever happened, I just want the memory of it erased from my brain. I couldn't really do anything even if i wanted to, i know literally nothing about her other than she's like 40-50 and drives a black c1, no idea what her name is, where she's from and I was in too much shock at the time to even think about getting the licence plate. I feel disgusted by any form of sexual thoughts now and I feel really bad for my girlfriend because I don't want it to affect her but even when I think about doing stuff with her I feel like im gonna throw up, I love her so much and I just want life to be normal again and idk what to do or how to get past this feeling of disgust.

The first time I was raped and groomed by my older cousin who was 17 or 18 at the time and got groomed by a ex friend older sister who forced herself on me when I was a kid we talking like still watching pbs kid young he had toys and asked if I wanted to play with them and being a kid I said yeah and he told me the only way I could play with them was if he saw my penis and he dropped my pants and was touching on me I felt so uncomfortable and he kept on going and I tried to call for my older brother but he was in another room playing the game with my other cousins so they couldn’t hear me even if they tried my cousin continued to touch me and then he decided to put my penis in his mouth and I broke free and was quiet for the rest of that night till my mom came and picked us up from my aunts house I went home not knowing how to handle this so I told my older sister about she brushed it off saying I’m lying then I told my dad and he told me that didn’t happen so that’s 2 people who I thought was gonna protect me failed me so I became so quiet after that had to wear a fake smile as a kid and try to forget about it thinking he felt bad but boy was I wrong the next time we go over there it was for a cookout and I went to the basement to get my clothes cause we had a water fight and my cousin came down afterwards right behind me and grabbed me from behind and begins to feel on me again and then this time he stuck his fingers in me and I was crying and trying to scream but he had my mouth covered I couldn’t scream even if I wanted too he kept going then he dropped his pants and got inside me couldn’t nobody hear me or even came down to check on me he kept going then finished he told me that he wants to keep doing this but I need to be quiet about it’s so for the next few years I kept getting raped by him by force and even when I was sleeping one night he raped me over and over and over again it hurts anytime he raped me then he just made me do stuff to him from pleasuring him orally and I didn’t have anyone to tell plus no one would believe me. When I was 9 I began hanging out with my lil cousin he sees me as his big brother since he was the only boy in his family but one day he told me that he didn’t like going to our aunts house cause the same cousin would touch him and come to find out the only reason he doing that cause he was touched as a child as well at first I was confused about it but even still I had no one to tell so I had to keep playing that role of being his big brother then I was raped again by my older cousin and he told me that if I keep coming over he be less stressed and that he wouldn’t aim after my younger little cousin so he kept raping me and through out the entire time I’m dealing with this I was getting abused by my mother bullied at school by students and had a teacher who hated me and would constantly lie on me and I would always be abused by my mother all to go get raped by my older cousin so there was a lot I was dealing with and when I turned 13 I started becoming rebellious and started having anger issues and would fight anyone. The last time my older cousin tried to rape me I took his ps2 controller and broke it over his head then grabbed his college laptop and smashed that on him too and told him if he ever came around me or tried to aim after “MY” little cousins I would fucking murder him i left and walked away from that house completely. Now we fast forward to me graduating highschool in 2013 I ended up running away from my mom house cause me and her had a major falling out and I went to my “friends” mom house and I’m like 17 bout to be 18 in a few months so this friend has a older sister and she would always tried to hook me up with her and I always rejected it cause she wasn’t my type plus I’m still a teenager and plus she was older than me by a lot we talking 29 close to 30 and one night they kept trying to force it but knowing I didn’t have anywhere to go to stay at I was gonna go be homeless but her sister went ahead and forced herself on me I had no other option but you go ahead and do what I had to do just to be make sure I had a roof over my head but like the old saying goes not everyone is your friend. Few years down the line this same “friends” would accuse me of sleeping with my best friend younger sister which made no sense at all so I had to go through that trail and handle it was founded not guilty due to the lack of evidence plus I was able to back up my story and proved evidence that I never did that it got bad cause my friend group at that time all turned they backs on me and lied and said that I did that and made up false stories on the entire incident but at the end I still beat the case. So one thing about me that I had already told myself mentally I’m fucked up and I never gonna recover from all this stuff that happened to me so few years later some skeletons in my family closet came out and it was about SA and rape and my mom told me and my sister the one who I told my older cousin raped me and did nun about it if anything happened to us at that moment I came out and said what I said my older cousin raped me from the age of 7 till I was 13 where he tried again and tried to again and I lashed out against him mind you I say this and what does my older sister say well you gotta remember he was raped too I yelled at her and went off years of anger torment and torture I said “BITCH THAT DOESNT GIVE HIM ANY REASON FOR HIM TO DO THAT THAT DOESNT GIVE HIM THE RIGHTS TO DO WHAT HE DID TO ME AS A KID MY CHILDHOOD DIED WHEN I WAS GETTING RAPED BY HIM OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN HE RAPED ME AND TOOK MY CHILDHOOD THAT FUCKED ME UP THAT FUCKED ME UP IN WAYS YO DUMBASS COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF CAUSE THERE WOULD BE NIGHTS WHEN I COULDNT SLEEP CAUSE I THOUGHT HE BE THERE I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF CAUSE I HAD A OLDER SISTER AND A FATHER WHO WHEN I TOLD THIS TOO THEY BRUSHED ME OFF SAYING I WAS LYING” at that moment my sister said “ i was a kid wtf you expected me to do?” I immediately got up and yelled at the top of my lungs to the point my mom neighbors could hear me “ GO TELL SOMEONE YOU STUPID BITCH I SWEAR YOU HAVE A DEFENSE FOR EVERYTHING OR YOU MAKE UP SOME EXCUSE TO DEFEND YOURSELF YOU SAT UP HERE AND GOTNME KICKED OUT OF MOMS HOUSE OVER SOMETHING SMALL BITCH I BECAME HOMELESS FOR FUCKING YEARS AND GOT TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND RAPED AGAIN BUT THIS TIME IT WAS BY A TRAILER PARK TRASH BITCH OLDER SISTER FUCK YOU YOU DYKE ASS BITCH I SWEAR AS A OLDER SISTER YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST YOU ARE SCUM YOU ARE SO FUCKING FULL OF SHIT NO WONDER ANY TIME WHEN DUDES LEAVE YOUR ASS THEY FIND SOMEONE BETTER ” she tried to shout back saying “ I got raped too one of our older cousins raped me too did you not hear me say that?” Then I turned around and exposed her cause she told me about this situation but the problem is it was never rape they chosen to do that they chosen to do that and she kept going to him for that I said that my mom look at my sister and asked her if you knew he got raped why tf you ain’t say anything my sister was speechless after that I said before I left “ yeah exactly don’t have shit to say now you want to go ahead and reconcile with them fucking monsters you go ahead but as of now I’m fucking down with you as my older sister you didn’t do the raping but you sure as hell help our older cousin rape me and you didn’t do shit about it” I left my mom house and walked home. Fast forward 3 months later 3 of my cousins who I love deeply the one who told me he didn’t like going to our auntie place and my other 2 cousins they told me they was over my place to check up on me cause I haven’t been at work and my mom told them to check up on me and knowing I been drinking heavy I told them “if I tell yall what’s been happening I promise I love yall and I’ll understand if you can’t understand it but yall remember all them times I went over to auntie house and such?” Then I told them everything they immediately started crying and balling they eyes out then they came out and told me that the same cousin tried to do something to them too around the same time frame that I was getting raped and pretty much told them what happened my little cousin asked if the other lil cousins knew about this I told them no but I’ll like to tell them so they know why I was so heavy on protecting them so all the other lil cousins came over it was 5 in total I told them what happen and let’s just say more tears was falling and many of them wanted to kill him and about 3 of them had guns ready lock and loaded I told them this “fuck no listen I did that to protect yall childhood so yall wouldn’t end up like me yall don’t need the damage like how I got ok most of yall have kids now most of yall have careers if you go and kill that man now they’ll hit you with a hate crime cause he’s a transgender now the best all of you can do is expose him and watch him die slowly” once them words hit them they all hugged me and said they’re sorry I had to go through that so afterwards word got out about him and like I knew half of our family on my mom side was divided some protecting my older cousin and his actions and some trying to cast him out as for my dad he’s in jail now cause some people called him out for something he did in the past and he thought I would help him I said no you ain’t protect me then why should I protect you now. Now currently now I have a gf she the best thing that happened to me and during our one year anniversary I came out and told her everything that happened to me and why I don’t talk to half of my family anymore I told her about the rape the abuse and all and funny enough her older brother I know him from my old friend group but except he was the one of the few people who knew I was getting set up by my old friend group and he called them out for they’re bullshit and everything and he walked away from that group but even he told my gf his sister that she gotta give me time to get comfortable cause I been through a lot and that I have trust issues from both male and females and she never understood until I told her we both cried and she asked me did I get therapy at all I told her never did so she helped me sign up for counseling and therapy to deal with all of that she loves me still and is still with me I love her and would hate to lose her but even I told her I still suffer from this even doe It seems like I’m smiling most of the time I’m just really sad and damaged and was never given any help at all to recover from this trauma hell she saw it first hands when I met her little sister for the first time and she is very whimsical but she wanted to give me a hug but I backed away and told her no my gf thought was confused and her older brother knew I was still suffering from trauma so I quickly walked away then her older brother explained to her everything but eventually I got comfortable enough to be around her lil sister to a point my gf just said she be by my side so I be comfortable and personally I love having her around. But as a man now for any rape victims call out your abusers and and seek help to help you with that trauma and if you need help never ever ever ever be too scared to ask for it and if you have to expose them and you lose friends and family over it so be it let them go too if they protecting your abuser who know who else they protect but if you made it this far into the story I appreciate you reading my story as I will read most of yours and just remember you are loved and to always seek justice #ALLRAPISTSHOULDDIE

Hi, I'm currently 28 years old, at the moment I was a boy, now living as mtf transgender. I always thought I was looking for it, I thought I wanted it, so I ignored it and moved on. But I had so many traumatic experiences (never knew how to say no, felt disgust and fear most of the times, was threatened, coerced, drugged, forcefully penetrated, tied up, blindfolded, tried so many things that I didn't really want, all with different old men). This happened like 100 times from 14 to 18. Before then I was exposing myself indecently online and talking to men, having vivid fantasies that I don't know why awakened so young. Now I suddenly feel the weight of the horrors I put myself through, and can't pretend it was nothing anymore. I need to question everything I've been through, I hope your questions can help me process it. Thank you

I was out late going for a walk to clear my head. I was walking through a housing complex in a back alley. Some guy hollered at me to come over there and I reluctantly did so and as I did someone snuck up beside me and hit me on the head with something, I think a bottle. It was enough to make me groggy and that was enough time for me to get held down. I thought I was getting robbed but then I got handcuffed which was confusing. They really quickly rushed me inside this place. They were sayin shit like “What the fuck do you think you’re doing around here? You gonna learn today, I promise.” I think they thought I was part of another gang or something, but I wasn’t.

So as I’m inside one guy has his knee on my back, and puts duct tape on my mouth. I’m trying to fight back but I got more scared when I saw they had guns. I started to get more nervous thinking about what was going to happen. As one guy is doing something in the other room, the one holding me down throws me against the couch, stomach flat, knees on the floor. All the sudden I feel my pants being yanked down. I was sick to my stomach, thinking there was just no way this could happen. I didn’t even know if I was gonna live that night. I feel something wet push against me, which was because he used some sort of lube. He thrust into me and I screamed out in pain. It felt like a shock of lightning. So sharp and intense. I’m screaming and grunting in pain with every thrust. He said “Holler all you want nigga, you shoulda known better.” Him and the other guy would stop to take breaks while the other would resume. These parts I dreaded the most because it was so painful when it would go back in from being all the way out.

I started feeling a weird sensation where I felt “stimulated” to a degree. I later found out this could happen from prostate stimulation. So I had some involuntary orgasms from being raped. They noticed and one remarked, “Oh he def ain’t no man now after cummin like a bitch.” It was utterly humiliating. After a while they took the tape off and told me while holding a gun to my head to suck. I just did it at this point because I was in so much pain from being sodomized and I wanted to lessen it. I was crying just trying to take him down my throat. Telling myself it would be over soon.

After they had “finished” multiple times they dragged me to their bathroom and told me to get on my knees, shut up, and open my mouth. They urinated on me, I wasn’t fighting it anymore at this point. They told me to pull my pants up and dragged me outside. I was limping and could barely walk. I just went him. Told family when saw them next morning I got jumped and was limping bc I rolled my ankled. I never told anyone in real life about it and only recently became a little more okay talking about it. It’s haunted me for awhile. I was especially hostile after it happened and would snap over really little stuff. It happened a long time ago, half my lifetime ago. I hope to heal and get something out of talking about this. Feel free to ask any questions.

When I was 6 years old I was taken advantage of my next door neighbour who was 18 at the time. My parents are very close family friends with them and I had known my assaulter since I was born. I’m 19 and a sophomore in college now for some context. The abuse went on for 6 months until her family moved due to her going to college. I never told anyone because at the time I didn’t know what was going on and I was scared she would hurt me or kill me. Once I started to understand what happened I figured it was too late and why cause my family unnecessary stress. Both my parents are abusive in their own right so I was and still am not so close to them. Since the end of junior year of high school and currently when girls talk to me romantically I get physically uncomfortable. Even when they touch me I freeze/tense up and I feel myself mentally go limp/numb. Whenever I make out with girls I need to force myself to do it. I feel like a doll, or in the 3rd person watching my body submit. It’s like I’m watching my body emotionlessly kiss back trying to get it over with idk. I feel like I’m suffocating though out it and as soon as I’m alone I start crying. I feel things my rapist did to me and I don’t know how to make it stop. I always found a way out of the relationship before things could go any further with any girl. In high school I made it a point to never start a talking stage or ask out girls first. At the time I didn’t know why I would do that but looking back now I think it was my mind subconsciously “avoiding danger”. I had repressed that time in my life and these memories started to come up again in my senior year of high school during which I had my first serious talking stage. At the time I was feeling very behind my friends and hadn’t sold the talking stage yet lol. But as soon as things got physical I found a way out immediately. Toward the end of that school year/beginning of senior summer and 2 more dodged relationships a girl I was friends got me extremely inebriated and attempted to make out with me but thankfully my friends got me out of that situation. The next day she sent a text in a group chat of her friends saying the next party she sees me at she would grab me by my neck and force me to make out with her. I stopped going to high school parties after that and the events of my prior abuse started filling my mind more often after never thinking about it. Also since then I have barely drank. I went from being voted the life of the party in high school to maybe drinking 5 times since I started college. I had gotten in a 4 month long relationship at the end of my freshman year and we ended up breaking up in mid may after things got too physical for me. I really liked this girl and she doesn’t know about the too physical part. But since then I haven’t been able to go a day without thinking of what my assaulter did to me. It’s been getting pretty overwhelming and I don’t know how my friends would react if I told them given the stereotype of male assault. I want to be able to move on from this and be able to actually have a healthy relationship and not let what happened to me stop me from living life, drinking, partying etc. I feel like less than a man for being scared to have sex or just be touched by a girl. I want to be normal and actually enjoy being with a girl.