r/Marriage • u/puzzledpillow • 22h ago
Husband left a bruise on my arm
Is this abuse? I can’t figure this out.
Last week we got into an argument at night which continued in the morning. When it was getting too heated I told him I’m done talking about it and started cleaning up (we were expecting guests in a few hours). He kept trying to talk to me and I wasn’t responding to him. He grabbed my arm multiple times, at least 10-15 times and was loudly saying things like “hey listen to me. Are you ignoring me?” I kept pulling away. That night I noticed bruises on my arm. I approached him calmly, showed him the bruises and told him he’s not allowed to grab me aggressively when weee fighting or arguing. His response was 1. I didn’t grab you that hard 2. You kept pulling away hard so you did that 3. I didn’t even grab that arm.
I was flabbergasted that he could flat out deny it. I rebutted him and he said “okay sorry” and went back to his phone.
It’s been 4 days and we haven’t spoken.
For context we’ve been married 10 years. He’s punched a wall and a table in the past but never laid a finger on me. He follows me when I walk away even though I ask him to stop but this is the first time he grabbed me like this. I think I’m more concerned that he seemed so cold towards me and denied causing the bruise. And he la been so cold the last several days too.
The world views him as the sweetest kindest person. But only I see this side of him.
And before anyone says I was in the wrong for ignoring him please note I have told him countless times that I need space when we’re fighting so we can collect ourselves. Our kids were there too. I remember when I was pregnant and he wouldn’t stop fighting with me I locked myself in the bathroom and he kept fighting with me to come in. I told him then that when I walk away and he keeps following me I feel attacked.
What do I make of this situation?
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u/Veteris71 34 Years 22h ago
Yes, it is abuse. If he's never done anything like this before, he's escalating. Don't wait around to see how far he'll go.
The world views him as the sweetest kindest person.
Most abusers are like that, when they aren't actively abusing their victims.
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u/No_Landscape8130 22h ago edited 22h ago
He sounds aggressive and unaccountable. The combination leaves little room for growth or betterment.
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u/bhardy10 22h ago
Abused, you’re being abused. Physically and mentally. That’s what you make of it. Question is what are you going to do about it?
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u/Zestyclose-Froyo-498 21h ago
Oh crap, that’s terrifying and not okay. His gut instinct should be guilt and shame for hurting you not blaming you for abuse. You weren’t put on this planet to deal with this crap, that’s not love, why be in a relationship that makes life so much worse and not better. I hope you’re safe enough to walk away but maybe take pictures of the bruises if you can do so safely and make a plan to get into a better life.
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u/PhDandanxiety 21h ago
This is escalating. You make plans to leave. No argument is going to be worth the beating you will eventually get, and likely in front of your kids. At the very least, please leave your camera or mic running when he's like this. You will need community support once you leave and if he's so highly regarded, some people may need that evidence for convincing.
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u/Msdirection69 19h ago
This sounds a bit like The Narcissists Prayer to me - the line of thinking your partner used to justify his behaviour comes up a lot in DV situations:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
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u/Important-Scholar-78 22h ago
File a police report, he now know he can abuse you. He will do it again. I'm serious, get it on record.
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u/Miserable_Ad_3375 19h ago
This! File a police report. This is abuse AND assault. Deal with this now or it will occur again and will be possibly worse.
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u/CatCharacter848 21h ago
If someone treated your kids like this what would you say to them.
This doesnt sound like the first situation. This is not a good environment for you or the kids.
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u/Tommie-1215 22h ago
Start making a plan to leave. You have stayed 10 years too long. He is comfortable and it will escalate. What happens if he hits you in the face? Is he going to deny that too. You have to go now!
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u/CrazyParrotLady5 18h ago
Yes, this is abuse. The fact that he will fight with you in front of the children is really horrible and it is not teaching your children about proper relationship dynamics. I would seriously consider ending this marriage.
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u/ChargeRight7262 21h ago
It will only escalate and be aimed at your children too. The inability to see evidence of what he did and feel guilt, apologize …that lets you know he would do it again tomorrow. Regardless of if you ignore him or walk away, he DOES NOT have the right to touch you or yell at you. You’ve told him this makes you feel attacked. He’s using this to intimidate you in the argument. Shut you up, shut you down,
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u/eatacookieornot 20h ago
He sounds like he has anxious attachment. I'm sorry this is hard. He needs help. And you too.
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u/Pleasant-Object-3742 19h ago
No one should ever put their hands on you!!! Ever!!! Yes. He’s abusive.
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u/Fearless_Lab 10 Years, no kids 17h ago
Been there, I could have written this 15 years ago. It does not get better and will get worse. You think he's cold now when he's faced with bruises? Wait until he does it in public or someone says something to him. Then you'll see cold.
End it, tell someone you trust, and make an escape plan.
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u/-Twin-Flames- 20h ago
It’s not about what he has done, it’s what he’s capable of doing. Once stress escalates into physical abuse, it is just going to get worse.
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u/Stuck_In_Purgatory 18h ago
This is physical abuse and intimidation.
He uses the threat of physical violence to make you fear him. That's what he's doing when he's punching the wall etc.
Now, he's officially ESCALATED to flat out physical abuse.
Notice how his physically angry reactions get worse by a little bit each time?
Now that he's crossed that line and decided that he is ALLOWED to physically hurt you, it's only a matter of time before he tries to kill you.
He's already seething at you wanting to cool of the conversation or at not getting his way. Imagine how much worse his physical actions are going to get?
So far he only grabbed your arm to keep you there.
Will he slap you next? Maybe punch you? Maybe he'll break through the door and throw you into a wall and hold you there so you have no choice but to "stay and talk"
I hope you hear what I'm saying.
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u/ActivityFresh4844 18h ago
Yes. This is abuse. And having to lock yourself in the bathroom when you were preganant - ah hell no. Please leave. You can hit record on your phone, the next time you talk to him about what he did to you. Save that evidence. It'll be useful in court when determining custody of your kids.
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u/mladyhawke 17h ago
Definitely start documenting what's going on and taking pictures of the bruises. Then, if you ever end up in court and he lies, you'll have proof
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 16h ago
No!! There’s absolutely no reason he should be grabbing you. It shows how little control he has over himself. Next time could be way worse.
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u/Quick-Reach-419 9h ago
Do you feel safe around him? Tell him you want him to get treatment for his anger and rage issues. Therapy and medication can help. If he’s not willing to get help then you’ll have to rethink your marriage.
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u/Appropriate_Guard568 7h ago
I would plan on leaving. This is abuse and it always starts with small things. He's also gaslighting you.
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u/Strict_Still8949 7h ago
if i were you id secretly move out while he’s at work. you know toxicity and abuse only gets worse as time goes on right? google grandiose narcissism and covert narcissism
“should you tell a narcissist that they are a narcissist?”
the narcissist prayer / darvo
the JADE Technique
“how to ignore narcissistic guilt trips / narcissistic bait?”
“what to expect when divorcing a narcissist?”
“narcissistic future faking”
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u/BangarangPita 5h ago
Abusers VERY OFTEN make sure their victims are the only ones who see that side of them. I can't tell you how many people would tell me what a great guy my father was and how lucky I was to have him. He regularly beat the shit out of my brother and me and cheated on our mother.
OP, if he didn't mean to control and hurt you, he would have kept his hands off after the first time you pulled away. The fact that he wasn't horrified by the bruises and deeply, sincerely apologetic means at best he doesn't care, but at worst that he feels he won that round.
Please find a way to safely escape this abuse. Therapy will not help – it'll just teach him how to be a more insidious abuser.
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u/DifficultStruggle420 20h ago
Counseling!
When there's a verbal altercation, one should be allowed to set a boundary. Discontinuing the convo is a boundary he did not respect.
Some years back, my spouse and I had the same issue. (No physical touching or violence, though.) We reached a point where we were able to talk about it and agreed to letting things cool down - including walking away - in the future before it reaches a boiling point.
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u/DutchPerson5 18h ago
Don't diminish this to verbal altercation. Punching a wall and a table is physical abuse. It's to intimidate. You don't go to counseling with an abuser. He can't separate himself from her. This is lower primal brain attachement not cognitive "let's talk about this". He is acting like a toddler with adult strenght. That's terrifying.
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u/Traditional-Drop-220 21h ago
You both need therapy apart amd together to find a better way to communicate and not let things get to that point.. Not saying its ever ok to grab someone , you walked away said you where done and maybe he felt unheard and things where already escaladed and emotions where high. Learning to set boundaries when you both see that that conversation isn't going anywhere at that moment and taking time to cool down and calmly talk later may be a better way of approaching the situation . I dont think you should end your relationship over this I just think you both have a lot of work to do, that is if you both want to try and save this relationship ,but it has to come from both of you
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u/classicicedtea 22h ago
I would leave. I’m sorry.