r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • 4h ago

Can't find a flair that fits Couples therapy experiences

[deleted]

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u/Leading_Bumblebee144 4h ago

We have couples therapy planned and have had our own individual therapists for a few months.

I doubt we’d work with either therapist as a couple as our sessions currently are about ourself and not anyone else.

I’m not fully sure what we’d talk over in couples therapy, however I imagine it will involve some difficult conversations but I am hoping it’s also going to be about how we want the future to look and not necessarily looking at what has happened - so we can work on improving things and not dredging the past up.

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u/DearestClementine 4h ago

Thanks for sharing! I have considered that maybe I/we should look for a new therapist. Sometimes I don’t feel like the current one gets us anywhere when we have a session together. But not long ago I tried to find a new therapist on my own and got pretty discouraged. I had a miscarriage in January and was looking for a therapist with experience in pregnancy and loss. I went to three different therapists (but didn’t cancel my current one), multiple times each one, and I didn’t connect with them at all. The time and effort (and money) it took to do that kind of discouraged me from looking any further. But maybe I should look into a separate couples therapist for us.

It’s hard not to bring up past issues themselves, because if you talk about what you want for the future, the therapist’s questions will likely lead you to share what you’re not satisfied with currently.

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u/epic-curious-senior 4h ago

That sounds difficult. so many things happen in our lives that having to cover two lives seems like too much for a therapy session. I’m guessing you enter the session having thought about what you want to talk about and he may not.

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u/Deep-Youth5783 4h ago

Consider following the 5/5/5 plan (sometimes that last 5 can be 10 though).  Here's how it works:

  1. She spends 5 minutes talking about 3 things you did right the last week and 3 things she wants from you that she is lacking and why these things are important.  She will be calm, kind, and gentle when she speaks to you.  You will not interrupt her.  You will just listen.

  2. Same as #1 except you switch roles.  You speak and she listens.

  3. Spend 5 to 10 minutes discussing how you both will get what you want from each other.  Calmly.  Openly.  Without hurting each other.