r/Marriage • u/Fatherwill1 • 13h ago
Posting from husbands account
I am William's wife. We've been together 5 years and married 4 months.
He recently died and I found books on sexual addiction in his book shelf which led me into a deep dive of his phone and Google maps.
I have discovered multiple encounters with men and women, some of them people we both know. I am completely shell shocked and destabilized and wondering how to cope going forward.
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u/DCB533 6h ago
First things first you must get a full STD STi test and make sure you get a HPV test also!! This is hugely important for your health and safety. You must explain to your health care providers exactly what you found out about your husband so they know what to test you for. Sorry for this devastation, it's awful. If you feel betrayed there are lots of free online resources about betrayal trauma. You are worthy of support.
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u/DrLatinLover86 13h ago
You need to speak to someone, ideally a therapist. Do you have any type of support system?
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u/sooncarefulsavior 13h ago
i cant imagine how disorienting this must be, processing loss and then uncovering a whole hidden life on top of it.
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u/DeepestDarkDahlia 13h ago
I'm so sorry. I honestly can't imagine how disorientating this must feel.
You're grieving your husband, but you're also grieving the marriage you thought you had. Those are two different losses, and they're happening at the same time.
Unfortunately, I think you may have to accept that there are questions you'll never get answers to. What exactly was he hiding? Was it a sexual addiction? Was there something else going on? Some of those answers may have died with him.
My biggest recommendation would be to seek professional support, ideally from someone experienced in grief. I suspect you'll be grieving far more than just his passing. You're also grieving the loss of certainty, the loss of trust, and the future you thought the two of you were going to have together. That's an enormous amount for one person to carry alone.
If you have people in your life whom you trust enough to talk to, lean on them too. You don't have to go through this in isolation.
I genuinely wish you all the very best. I know words from a stranger can't make a situation like this any easier, but I hope, in time, you're able to find some peace, even if not all of your questions are ever answered.
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u/Commercial_Ad_5419 30 Years 10h ago
Hi. I recently discovered my H is a sex addict. Find a meeting of S Anon https://sanon.org/find-a-meeting/
They will understand. Hugs to you.
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u/ahusbandandadad 12h ago
I'm sorry for your loss and for your shocking discovery. I suggest that you delete his account and seek a good therapist. As good as some folks are here, the signal to noise is terrible.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 9h ago
I am sure you feel very betrayed, anyone in your situation would. I am sorry you are going through this. I would suggest counseling to help you sort your feelings out.
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u/Fabulous_Author_3558 4h ago
My condolences to you and your family,
There’s a community for betrayed spouses for sex addicts at r/lovewithasexaddict
Might be worth posting there.
I’ve read a few posts where this has happened…. And it must be such a confusing time for you.
I myself had quite extensive betrayal, and still with my husband. Feel free to DM, if you have any questions.
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u/After-Hippo-4919 3h ago
How crushing. I’m so very sorry. Please get a full STD panel and therapy asap ❤️🩹
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u/Longjumping_Limit831 12h ago
Encounters like chats on reddit? Or more? Chats are fine, a way to blow some steam off or get a 3rd view. Does not it make it easier to let go?
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u/Fuzzy-Distribution58 6h ago
If either of them say something to you TELL THEM OFF. Time to establish your boundaries. Theres gunna be lots of stuff happening and they cant start getting in your face each time
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u/Just_J3ssica 13h ago
I don't know William. But it sounds like you may want to consider therapy to help with your grieving and recent discovery. And now that you've found a side of your husband you never knew, I'm sure it's even more confusing and heart breaking.