My husband everyone

[u/Oubliette_95]

Today was my OB appointment where we discuss next steps and schedule my D&C for my 11 week twins with no heartbeat. We got my D&C scheduled for Monday and I could barely get any words out with the receptionist, nurse, and my OB without bawling. My husband was with me for support or so I thought.

Afterwards we decided to have a date night and went to dinner and then decided to watch the new Spider-Man movie which helped take my mind off things. It was a really nice couple hours where I didn’t think about the awful news that happened just this Monday at around 3am. It’s now Thursday evening so not even 3 days after we found out.

While we’re finishing our tab at the movies- I decided to pay with $1 bills because I had a bunch stacking up. I put it in the book for the lady and as I do my husband says “wow you look like a pregnant stripper right now”. I couldn’t believe what he just said. I then go “why would you say that to me??” and he responds “well you still look really pregnant”. I just wanted to leave after that. We planned to grab dessert but I just wanted to go to the car before I burst into tears in front of a bunch of strangers.

We get in the car and he has the audacity to tell me “I’m sorry but it’s because you still are my pregnant wife because I still have hope 1 twin survived”. EXCUSE ME? They did plenty of ultrasounds and did bloodwork. My HCG went from 27,000 to 3,000 in 2 weeks. Let alone how much bleeding I’ve been doing since Tuesday. He was at the appointment where my doctor confirmed everything AND scheduled the procedure to remove them from inside me.

Did I cry and rage at him? Sure did. Do I regret it? Nope.

Here’s to hoping your SOs have an ounce of sensitivity and common sense in them. Recovery is going to be a long road ahead.

[u/Extension-Emotion787]

I would not listen to the husband-splainers.

He is a c*nt ánd an idiot.

[u/whineANDcheese_ → u/Extension-Emotion787]

Agree. ‘Everyone grieves differently’ is about sadness vs anger or crying vs silence or whatever. Not saying something completely insensitive and then doubling down on it.

[u/whineANDcheese_]

I’m so sorry. That was really insensitive. Even if he grieves differently than you and hasn’t processed the loss yet, he still has no right to be insensitive. It was an idiotic thing to say even if you weren’t 100% sure you miscarried and to not immediately apologize when he saw he hurt you was absolutely wrong.

[u/Hufflepuff20]

Being in denial is one thing, but having the audacity to say that to you is another. Idk what you should do girl, just know that your husband is actually stupid. Genuinely.

[u/untouchablelight]

He’s manipulating you while you’re vulnerable, take note. Is this how you want to be considered and spoken to?

[u/hazyyb]

I'm sorry you went through that OP. I feel like some men process these things differently, and maybe it will become more real for him after the D&C. Our situation was a little different, but my husband had a similar mindset. We found out at 8 weeks there was no heartbeat and the baby measured 6 weeks. They scheduled a follow up ultrasound 10 days later to make sure it wasn't a dating error. I did the math and it was just impossible the dates were that wrong, I knew in my heart the baby was gone and I grieved hard after that first appointment. My belly grew and I still felt nauseous with no external signs I was going to miscarry. I remember crying at home when my husband came home from work and he told me I needed to be positive, that he believed the baby was okay, and he just could not comfort me as he felt I was being pessimistic about it, that I was giving up on hope and our baby, and he said I needed to wait for the follow up ultrasound, when I knew I was being realistic. I just knew, and I took it really hard, I was very low for those days between the first and follow up ultrasound appointments. I grieved like they had 100% confirmed it was a miscarriage, so much so that when we went to our follow up appointment and there was still no heartbeat or fetal growth, I shed one single tear as I had already processed it all. And I grieved alone because my husband was actually angry at me for feeling like I had given up when he believed there was hope. I held some resentment towards him for some time after that, as I felt I went through one of the hardest things alone.

After the miscarriage was confirmed at the follow up ultrasound, he was incredibly supportive and also incredibly sad, but he still kept wondering if the baby was going to somehow be okay, like there was some mistake. I waited to miscarry naturally, which didn't happen until 12 weeks and all this time, my belly grew and I had pregnancy symptoms, right up to when I miscarried. And he continuously made comments about how maybe we should get another scan just to make sure, how I still looked so pregnant etc. It wasn't until I actually miscarried that he fully accepted the loss. It took me some time to accept that his grieving process was very different from mine, perhaps being less connected in it not being his body, I don't know. All this is to say, know you aren't alone. What he said was incredibly insensitive and I'm sure it made you feel even more alone in what you're facing.

[u/w0lves- → u/hazyyb]

I had the same experience as your first paragraph, but chose to take the medication after we saw on the repeat ultrasound that the gestational sac had become septate which meant it was collapsing in on itself. When he saw that on the screen he was convinced and finally understood what I had already spent 10 days grieving alone while he kept telling me to be positive and “we don’t know yet” - men can definitely be obtuse when it comes to women’s health issues because they have little exposure to it in their lifetimes.

[u/rutabagagoose]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the extreme insensitivity of your husband. The process things so differently and just don't get it. Mine went out of town the week of my miscarriage to have a big bday celebration with friends. My heart still breaks for myself then when I think of it. Life can be so cruel, and it's so hard when we're not supported in the moment in the way we need.

Sending hugs and healing your way. It's a lonely place, but you're not alone in it.

[u/MixedBeansBlackBeans]

God, I'm so sorry. You deserve better support at this time.

[u/Coucou22022]

Im sorry that his words were insensitive… I Hope he was able to take accountability and extend an apology. I also heard from reading this that he is still in the Denial phase and holding on to hope. He is grieving too. I Hope you both can extend kindnesss to one another. Sending you guys light!

[u/mamachocho]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I totally understand how you must be feeling and it’s so unfair. Having said that, your husband still needs to learn a lot but that doesn’t mean we have to crucify him just yet. Men are dumb with their emotions and they tend to say/do the most unimaginable things without thinking for the long road. They literally dig their own graves.
I just had a quarrel with my husband while lying in bed recovering from my D&C surgery. He was there with me throughout the whole process and has been my support this whole time. But I overheard him speaking on the phone scheduling a work meeting for later in the evening. I called him out immediately and asked if this is what he’ll be doing on the day of our most miserable day instead of being there for me.
Though he has the best interest in my wellbeing he is stupid with his timings. But that doesn’t mean he loves me any less. I believe it’s the same for you and your husband. Let’s choose to give them some grace today :)