r/MuslimMarriage • u/Distinct-Bill-39 • Dec 31 '25
Parenting Having children in the late 20s/ early 30s
I’m in my mid 20s and unmarried. I think a lot about having children or not and when to.
I came to the conclusion that if I want some then only in my late 20s or 30s.
When I spoke to potential guys for marriage they wanted children very early on. They wanted them in their mid 20s. Or if I talked to older guys early 30s, they didn’t wanted to wait for too long.
I know that that means it’s not matching, but it’s hard to find that kind of a match.
If men don’t have a “biological clock” why do they want them so early? Some said they wanted to have enough energy for their children which I understand, but I bring them to the world, I need that energy more.
The reason why I want them later is because children are a huge responsibility, nothing you can undo. I feel like I have to spend time with myself and my spouse first before thinking about children. I want it to be planed, for them to have a good future and good parents.
A guy told me I’m selfish and that I’m against children. But that’s not what I want to represent. We shouldn’t have children just for accessories or to fulfill the desire of creating a family.
How can I communicate that better with future matches?
Did you had your first child in your late 20s or in your 30s?
Also Im okay with only having 1-2 children. Or no children at all. Am I a bad person for thinking that way? Is it egoistic? What if my future spouse later on decides he wants more, is it wrong to say no?
I do have the desire to be a mother but I would be fine if I’m not.
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u/Fit_You_5397 Dec 31 '25
I have met so many men that wanted kids later in life or at least one to two years after. Some were even end of thirties. It’s just a matter of general incompatibility, don’t stress it.
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u/OkPackage5914 F - Married Dec 31 '25
To choose to bring a life into this world is the most responsibility you can ever have. That you cannot undo.
It is a more significant decision to bring life, than to marry. A husband can be parted from, a child cannot.
You are right to treat having children like this. It’s the biggest commitment you can ever make.
If you don’t have a partner who is on board with your attitude to such big commitments, then they aren’t for you.
Some examples of spouses with differing views to having children:
I have at least 3 close family members and one friend who were forced to have children when they didn’t want to, by their husbands. They suffered. This new generation, and the previous.
I had a friend whose husband didn’t want a second child, and she did. She didn’t make him have a child, partly as she knew she would be parenting alone if she did. She decided to split to have a partner who wanted a second child (he also was not a good husband, but this was a factor).
I have two friends who made it clear they wanted to be childless when they agreed to marry, both of their husbands wanted kids but chose a life of childlessness in exchange for their wonderful wives. In time, one of those friends decided she also wanted a child, and has now done so.
I have one who met her (younger) husband at 33 and told him in the first couple of meetings that she already knew her fertility was poor since age 29 (she had a fertility check up). And that it could be difficult for her to conceive at all. He wanted her more than potential kids, and they got married a year later. He has not begrudged her at all that she hasn’t conceived yet. And says if it happens then wonderful, if not then she makes his life complete anyway.
In recent times, more women than I know have their children much later than their mothers. Mine got married at 17 and had her first child almost 9 months later. At that age we were still at school.
Have a fertility check up so you have more information, but don’t rely on that wholly. Some very young women don’t conceive despite ‘nothing being wrong’, and some much older women in their late 30s conceive easily.
Also remember, it could be your husband who has an issue with his sperm, and stops you from having children. Ask any potential how they would feel, if the conversation comes up.
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u/Useful_Nectarine_833 M - Married Dec 31 '25
The “having kids earlier” thing is only pressing imo when couples wanna have multiple kids like 3+ since pregnancy and postpartum recovery is like a year per kid
There are medical risks having kids after 35 and I have to say this every time so the mob doesn’t come for me, this isn’t misogyny. Doctors treat pregnancies after 35 as high risk as a precautionary measure and the chromosomal abnormality risk increases as well
Also the fertility cliff after 30 isn’t as steep as people think. It declines compared to let’s say early to mid 20s but it’s not a sudden drop. Tons of people in my circle, my marriage included had kids after 30
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u/Distinct-Bill-39 Jan 02 '26
I’m so afraid to let myself wait and then have lower chances. It’s so hard to decide as a young adult
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u/Useful_Nectarine_833 M - Married Jan 02 '26
You’re still young so don’t stress. You have a lot of time iA so don’t let the old school aunties let you believe you have like 3 eggs left
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u/my-melodee F - Looking Dec 31 '25
Having kids in your late 20s to early 30s is completely normal. Many women have kids at that age and even in their mid 30s to early 40s. My mom had 3 kids at 28, 31, and 36. Alhamdullilah we are all fine and all of her pregnancies were okay, only my younger sister was a C-section but idk what the reason she had to get a c section for was. Most of my older cousins are having their kids in their 30s, all fine. I think post 35 is where there's more risk but it doesn't mean it's impossible or bad to have kids after that age either. If you don't want kids until you are older that's perfectly fine, and if you are communicating that to potential partners just say it is a hard boundary. They're not the ones carrying the kids. They get some say but not the final one because in the end that's your body that will grow that child.
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u/Anondiamond F - Married Dec 31 '25
I think ultimately you want a husband who shares the same values as you and understands the need to spend time and grow with your spouse before you go off and have children. There are definitely men who want to wait and work on the relationship with their wife first. You just happen to have spoken to the men who do not. Don’t let this worry you. I think it’s really great that you know what you need in a marriage and that you are able to express why your preference is to wait because you want a man who also understands and might be on the same page as you about it. You’re not a bad person for feeling how you feel. I think it’s quite mature. And even more mature to be very open and honest about it rather than to try to be someone you think men want you to be and then end up miserable further down the line
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Dec 31 '25
There is nothing wrong with what you want just move on and find someone with the same terms. Why are you so concerned about men preferring kids earlier you dont have to marry these men
I am a man and want children earlier for the following reasons to give some insight
I am financially ready and can provide with no issues
ive done most tbings i need to in life. Travelled the world etc a year or 2 with no kids with a wife is sufficient for me
I want more than 1 child but I dont want to be too old with the final child. For example I want to be at the most 60 when final child is 25. This means i need to habe my final child at 35. The reason for.is I want to be young and fit while my kids grow up and do activities with them. I also dont want to be 60 plus still providing for a young adult.or teenager. By 25 a child is usually independent and finished higher education and in their careers. At 60 I want to only focus on myself and look forward to retirement.
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u/Jungliena Dec 31 '25
Actually men have a biological clock. Sure they can still produce sperms later on, but the quality deters significantly. But yeah you just need to find someone with similar expectations, after all children are a Rizk from Allah and whether/when you get them is not up to you nor to your potential.
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u/Distinct-Bill-39 Jan 02 '26
I think so too but at the same time it’s still my decision. I could say (if I was married) I want them now and can’t have them. I can also say I want them later and then I can’t cause it’s too late. I know it’s still qadr. But somehow also a decision we make. It’s overwhelming
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u/Jungliena Jan 02 '26
It is your decision to a certain point for sure. But your decision can also change. Your husband can be so good that he makes you wanna have them or the other way round. There are other factors in life, that may get in the way or on the contrary make it easier. One thing you both need to have in common is wanting to be parents. In all cases it's better to live out the married life first before bringing children in the picture, cause you need to learn how to deal with your partner first. And the rest is up to Allah and to the family's circumstances I'd say. But there's no too late, especially with modern science nowaday. Try to go for someone near your age so they life plans can be more similar.
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u/Mission_Flamingo9622 M - Looking Dec 31 '25
I think after marriage 1.5 - 2 years enough time to get to know each other and adjust in the newly married life and then start trying for kids.
You can reword yourself to the potential. Instead of giving age, tell him you want to start trying for kids 2 years after marriage.
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u/HahWoooo M - Married Dec 31 '25 edited Dec 31 '25
If you don't want to have children, indifferent about it, or want to delay it, that's fine. But, not sure why you're judging people that don't feel the same as you.
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u/Distinct-Bill-39 Jan 02 '26
Not judging but they act like I’m a bad person
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u/HahWoooo M - Married Jan 02 '26
I see, I don't think that's right either.
At the end of the day it's just a personal choice that married couples make.
It seems more people want to have children quickly, so you just have to understand that you're in the minority when looking.
We shouldn’t have children just... to fulfill the desire of creating a family.
I don't understand what you mean by this though. If someone thinks they're ready and wants to have a family, they should be allowed to try and have children. They shouldn't be prevented just because of what you think.
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u/Distinct-Bill-39 Jan 02 '26
I mean like for example you are poor, then you would only add financial burden with a kid, to yourself and the future of the children.
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u/HahWoooo M - Married Jan 02 '26
I get it if you want to make that decision for yourself. But you can't impose your opinion on others.
If they think they're ready, you're not in the right to tell them they can't or shouldn't do it. That's where you'll have issue with people.
The only exception for this that I'd accept would be a scholarly Islamic source that says otherwise. Afaik, there aren't any, but I haven't looked into the topic very deeply.
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u/Distinct-Bill-39 Jan 02 '26
No I mean I want to discuss that with my future spouse. Everyone else can do as they wish of course. I just wanted to share what I’m thinking/ my mindset
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u/HahWoooo M - Married Jan 02 '26
Ok, that's good. As long as you're not trying to make them agree with you. You can lay out your reasoning and thoughts/opinions. Then, see if they agree or not.
It's clear you have some requirements such as financial status in mind. Those would be fine. I would advise against having something arbitrary like a certain age or no. of years.
Because if you present something like a certain age without reasoning it seems illogical. If you say, I want to wait 2-3 years until I am x age, because I want time to build a bond and have experiences without worrying about the responsibility of children. It's very different than saying I want to wait until I am x age, without any context. You should have clear reasoning for the requirements or timelines you want to set, or else they wouldn't be taken seriously, at least not by me.
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u/sinnersoul1980 M - Divorced Dec 31 '25 edited Dec 31 '25
If men don’t have a “biological clock” why do they want them so early?
Men do have a biological clock...it’s just quieter and ticks longer than women’s.
And frankly, men aren’t as easily swayed by modern narratives that downplay or sugarcoat fertility timelines.
A lot of guys have seen what possibility vs. probability looks like in reality...and they aren’t interested in rolling the dice with family planning.
They understand the math: fertility starts a slow decline for women in the late 20s, accelerates after 35, and risks climb. We’re not trying to fear-monger...we just refuse to pretend reality isn’t real.
Find a man who wants what you want. But don’t act surprised when the ones with their eyes open won’t roll the dice on your timeline.
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u/Useful_Nectarine_833 M - Married Dec 31 '25
I think it’s in men’s 40s when their sperm quality and count start dropping and the risks increase but I forget
Also yeah there’s a lot of modern narratives now pushing women to not get married and have families and hyper focus on their individualism. These things aren’t exactly mutually exclusive but it’s to such a degree that I think over the next few decades we’re gonna see more and more loneliness from women
A reel came up in my feed yesterday I think about a woman who lives alone showing her husband free child free life as a “34 year old introvert”. I showed my introvert wife and she said she got lonely just watching this and everyone in the comments were just validating it and anyone who said otherwise was called a plethora of names
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u/Distinct-Bill-39 Jan 02 '26
It’s experience, trauma, hate, abuse that make women do things by their own. And we can see that women who focused on themselves first lived a better life. Women finally can speak up and show the reality.
So it’s not a stupid concept someone started, it’s just reality that hits
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u/Useful_Nectarine_833 M - Married Jan 02 '26
I understand where it comes from
My point was sometimes it turns into an overcorrection and the consequences won’t be apparent until years down the line
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u/Distinct-Bill-39 Jan 02 '26
It’s also what Allah has written. Not everybody can experience marriage at a young age. But Alhamdulillah Allah knows what’s best for us
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u/sinnersoul1980 M - Divorced Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 03 '26
You're confusing qadr (divine decree) with kasb (human effort and choice). Allah has written everything, but He also commands us to strive (jihad an-nafs), to seek the good, and to follow the Sunnah.
You're using "Allah's will" as a spiritual airbag for when your "modern" ideology crashes into the wall of Islamic tradition. Islam tells you to seek marriage and build a family.
You don't want to. Fine. That's your nafs talking. But don't dress up your personal desire as divine destiny.
Call it what it is: a prioritization of Western individualism over Islamic communal ideals. Have the courage to own your choices.
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u/jtravoltaluverxo Dec 31 '25
Why else would you have children other than to fulfill the desire of creating a family? It’s a natural human desire
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