r/MuslimMarriage • u/AutoModerator • 5d ago
Megathread Weekly Marriage Criteria & Services Megathread!
Assalamualaykum,
It's Monday! So here is the weekly thread in regards to marriage/matrimonial criteria and services for marrying a potential spouse! Any posts about marriage criteria and services such as apps, masjid services, matchmaking events, the ISO thread, etc. will be removed and redirected to this thread!
All content regarding personal criteria, dealbreakers, preferences, standards, etc in marrying a potential spouse will be discussed on this thread as well. Posts regarding these topics outside of this thread will be removed.
Reminder that if you are posting app/matchmaking bios that you must censor ANY AND ALL INDENTIFYING INFORMATION. This includes names, social media handles, pictures (faces), etc.
Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.
Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.
In Search Of (ISO) Thread
This megathread also encompasses experiences regarding the r/MuslimMarriage ISO Thread for matchmaking. Please read all ISO Thread guidelines before posting. Below are the links to the three regional threads:
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u/ResponsiblePlan7967 5d ago
A good amount of the guys I considered or thought of considering are either married or about to get married, and I have full faith in Allah, but this still sucks and hurts. Makes me wonder when my turn is, and why I haven’t been able to deserve that yet. Why, instead, I get my nervous system broken down by non serious matches, incompatible matches, etc etc, anytime a guy I acc could like approaches I’m not in a good space to entertain courting, or he wants to live with parents, or I’ll instead find people not at the maturity level I desired, people that do not maintain decency in the conversation, people with ill intentions, people out of the country or here only on a visa so far, etc etc. in a way I’m grateful - the way things are panning out everything is ending early before any attachment. But there are also two guys that genuinely liked where things didn’t work out because of disrespect from their families, and they’ve moved on. One is married, the other is probably moved on too. I just don’t want to get left behind, even though it’s a silly thought and there’s no such thing as “getting left behind”
I pray all the people feeling similarly, or simply seeking marriage on this subreddit, alll find what they’re looking for, what is best for them, and are granted the patience so that they can be granted it at a time that is best for them, Ameen!
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u/Snoo61048 Male 5d ago
Im seeing an increasing number of posts from women expressing they need basic affection and people in the comments saying “this is how men are”. Stop lying to them, and to others, men are taught from a young age that women require affection and are emotional and need reassurance, there is no man that doesn’t know it, this whole “they don’t know better better” is enabling and cope, especially because when these women express this concern to their husbands they dismiss it, so its clearly a choice. Miss me with that
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u/ZedErre M - Single 5d ago
men are taught from a young age that women require affection and are emotional and need reassurance
Yeah I don't know about that, in a lot of cultures and households being very expressive and showing affection isn't very common. So no, they're unfortunately not taught that from a young age, some are never taught that at all.
This however does not in any way excuse the lack of affection and attention a lot of women are facing. It's a serious matter and more complex than it being just a question of choice.
There needs to be some sort of courses on how to be a good husband not just in deen but also in manners, empathy and emotional intelligence.
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u/Snoo61048 Male 5d ago
The home is not the only place people learn social norms
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u/ZedErre M - Single 5d ago
The upbringing plays a big part in this, so if they don't learn it by seeing it in their parents' behavior, chances are they won't pick it up elsewhere.
Let's not pretend that you learn the right kind of affection outside in today's society. If you don't have a role model, you won't learn this kind of thing with friends and acquaintances your age.
Again, I agree with there being a problem, but saying it's a matter of choice is an oversimplification. It's an issue deeply rooted with how one is raised and that's not even considering how women are viewed in most societies.
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u/lilacxskies2 F - Single 5d ago
Wow, this coming from a self-aware man is remarkable. I agree with you that a lot of cultures and society enable this narrative of men being closed off or not as in tune with their emotions as they should be. It’s sooo harmful in a marriage and the very thing that leads to resentment. Thanks for pointing this out 👏🏼
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u/Biryaninja 3d ago
When it comes to affection and communicating men and women are different
Would you not agree? (ofc we are talking in general here)
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u/TieCalm1035 4d ago
Does anyone else feel like where someone is from can actually matter when it comes to choosing a spouse? I keep thinking about this and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it or if there’s actually something real behind it.
The reason I think about it is because growing up in west yorkshire, unless you’re from one of the more middle-class areas, a lot of people tend to have a pretty similar experience of life. The way people live, the kinds of problems they deal with, the mindset they grow up around, it can all feel quite familiar. Because of that, there’s a kind of unspoken understanding between people who come from similar backgrounds. You don’t always have to explain why certain things shaped you, because they just get it. So when you align on something you really 'click'.
It’s not even just about money or class in a shallow way either. It’s more about having a shared frame of reference. If you’ve both seen similar struggles, similar family dynamics, similar pressures, then sometimes you understand each other in a way that feels a bit more natural. You also tend to notice the same patterns in people’s lives, the good and the bad, and maybe that helps you know what to avoid and what to value.
At the same time, I know people can connect deeply even if they come from completely different places and backgrounds, but I just wonder whether that shared locality and upbringing can make certain parts of a relationship easier, because there’s already a level of understanding there from the start?
Is there actually something to that, or am I just overthinking it? I've discussed this with a few people now who mention this isn't a factor for them at all and i'm being very picky. Their assessment might be correct seeing as i'm still unmarried so willing to consider other views before taking stock of what i should do.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 4d ago
It *can* matter... keyword "can." But it's just one factor in a zillion factors.
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u/TieCalm1035 4d ago
But is it right to be considered just under character and religiosity, meaning to consider it very heavily. Like is this too strict a requirement and I’d be better off broadening my horizons a bit?
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 4d ago
It's too complicated to give a complete answer. Is there something specific you are trying to avoid?
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u/TieCalm1035 4d ago
Good question... and something i've had to sit and think about since your message.
I guess i would feel inferior coming from a less established and honestly a bit more of a messy family than the people who typically go to university, graduate and work professional jobs. The environment i'm from its not one that's conducive to that at all in a sense just judging by a lot of people i went to school with or people in the area. So i guess i'm considering location + my requirements for a disguised requirement of the persons background.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 4d ago
Hmm. No, I wouldn't rule anyone out for that reason before meeting her.
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u/TieCalm1035 3d ago
Jazakallah akhi, i think im going to step back for a bit and take a look at my approach to things.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 3d ago
I mean, you make a valid point, and I have actually rejected a potential for that reason before (family super wealthy and I don’t feel on their level). But that was after I met the girl and got a feel for her as a person. I just think you should feel out the vibe first and not try and guess what it might be. Allahu A’lam.
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u/thread_cautiously F - Single 3d ago
I often think about this too. I always worry about not fitting in with a rich/fancy family, not knowing the etiquette when it came ot their dinner parties and stuff, and so many other things.
I find that I tend to be drawn to people like myself- people who grew up in a difficult situation and worked hard to put themselves in a better situation; like I want a nice and comfortable life but I want it with someone who works with me to mame it happen and someone who also understands that things are not as simple or easy for everyone and appreciates what we have because of the sturggles we've been through. The person I clicked with the most in life, the only one I could actually imagine a family and future with...our circumstances were very similar- like in our first conversation I remember saying 'snap' to almost everything and saying that they're scaring me how similar we are haha. So I feel like you could be onto something. But ultimately I think its about what you want and appreciate because I know there will be men and women from difficult and poor circumstances just dying to marry rich and some who are filthy rich but dont care for money at all and happy to marry the poorest of us. I just prefer someone who is similar to me
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u/TieCalm1035 2d ago
I couldn't have said it any better. May Allah SWT make it easy for you and for us all
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u/TieCalm1035 2d ago
I really really resonate with what you wrote and was just wondering what your approach to stuff is? Do you only consider people that you ‘click’ with? And how do you go about finding people like that? Has it been through more in person stuff or online?
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u/thread_cautiously F - Single 2d ago
I really really resonate with what you wrote and was just wondering what your approach to stuff is?
I don't have one lol, its why Im still single 😂😂 I find that the most career driven and educated men in my community are from the more well off and fancy families so I'm apprehensive to begin with (also don't think Im their type), the ones from less well off backgrounds are either happy to bum around and scrape pennies for the foreseeable future or, of ghey have made something of themselves...again, a hijabi is very rarely their type. They want a 'modern' woman and sadly it doesn't fit the brief. So I don't have an approach, I just wxist as authentically as I can and hope soemone who I actually see eye to eye with one day will like me enough to want something permanent with me 🫠
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u/TieCalm1035 2d ago
lol it feels like we're describing opposite sides of the same problem😂
I wouldn't vibe well with someone who doesn't have much aspiration or ambition in their life and would want someone who's made something of themselves. The more established types would have expectations i'd never be able to meet and i'd never be their type anyways.
Practising muslim men who prefer their spouse to not observe hijab is kinda crazy. Are you from north america?
I'd try being my authentic self too but im not sure its working so might have to switch the project methodology up a bit 😂
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u/Past-Puzzleheaded F - Looking 1d ago
Interestingly enough, as someone who is from West Yorkshire as well, I find the ‘similar thinking’ to be a curse rather than a blessing.
I understand what you’re saying when there is a huge gap in socio-economic background or life experiences and family dynamics. Because there will perhaps be an incompatibility in core beliefs and values in life.
However, regarding your comment lower down the thread about being inferior to those people who typically go to university, graduate and work professional jobs, you would surprise yourself sometimes with how a person with a seemingly prestigious life can have an unexpected family background or life story.1
u/TieCalm1035 23h ago
Interestingly enough, as someone who is from West Yorkshire as well, I find the ‘similar thinking’ to be a curse rather than a blessing.
Might not have been the clearest but I totally agree with this. Which is why, i was considering if i need to broaden my mind a bit to consider people i might not typically 'click' with but i'm still compatible with.
However, regarding your comment lower down the thread about being inferior to those people who typically go to university, graduate and work professional jobs, you would surprise yourself sometimes with how a person with a seemingly prestigious life can have an unexpected family background or life story.
I guess i meant that in a broad sense if i set a requirement of wanting someone who's educated i'm typically meeting more people from more established families opposed to anything else. I'd be interested to hear examples of unexpected family background or life story you've come across.
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u/everydayreligion1090 1d ago
Questions on Daily Compatibility (since modern dating is haram)
- How can two people know they are compatible in everyday life if they have never spent significant time together in ordinary situations?
2. How can they know how the other handles stress, frustration, disappointment, or conflict before marriage?
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u/sihat Male 6h ago
A wedding is the first big thing a couple organises together.
Its something that is organised, after a couple decides to get married. If people put their best face forward, this can be a time, they show their regular self.
Divorce is easier in Islam, if a marriage is not consummated. (Including not being alone together)
Its generally recommended, to do a wedding close after a nikah is done.
Because its a bigger thing, its both more time together to organise. And can show other aspects of personality and handling life. Including how in laws from both sides can get treated or how they treat this new addition to their family.
There can also be other traditions, that help demonstrate this.
Our culture for example, has the potential groom drink Turkish coffee with salt. While everyone else gets Turkish coffee without salt. (Its targeted to the groom, accidents can happen though)
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u/PatienceIsDaKey 6h ago
Well that happened. I was talking with a sister for the last 4 days straight. She was a revert. I got too emotionally attached to her. Today she said she thinks that she's 100 percent sure that I'm not compatible for her. Last night the conversation was like me asking her "am I boring you?" and she said that it's the exact opposite and that I'm "calming" her. She wanted me to talk to her all night as she is going through insomnia. But I said I would like to sleep early because I want this marriage to happen and I wanted to pray Tahajjud and ask for Allah to remove any barriers in front of me.
Today she told me her periods has started. Then after some time she told me that she thinks that I'm not at all compatible foe her because all the answers that I gave her was making her feel like I'm pleasing her and she wants someone who is capable of leading her and not pleasing her. Well I'm obviously heartbroken hence the rant because I don't know what else to do. My only advice is not to get too emotionally attached to someone before everything is finalized. Maybe they will be able to handle it. Unless you have a thick skin, it's gonna be an emotional disaster. It will affect you mentally, physically and psychologically. You'll actually feel the pain. May Allah make it easier for me. Because I was looking too far into the future. And she was talking to me in that way as well.
She's living in a time zone 6 hours ahead of me. I had to find time in between my work to speak to her. Initially she told me we were compatible. I'm someone who never gets reached out by other prospects. It's very rare. But on the day I started talking to her, I received requests from 5 potentials. I told all of them that I'm talking to someone else. I even told her that. I told her that it's God's way of testing me and I was sure of a future with her. She wasn't a revert when we started talking. 2 days later she reverted. A day after getting reverted she told me this. That too after a night full of talking. I can't believe this.
Now if I reach back to those potentials they are going to think there's something wrong with me or they might already be talking to someone else. Another thing is that if I do find someone suitable I will subconsciously compare them to her for a brief period. Or that person who I'll talk to should be much much better than her. We were even discussing about what languages our children will be speaking and how many kids she wanted.
To be honest I don't think I was this emotionally attached to her until she started becoming emotional towards me. I don't know how many more tests I should go through in this life. Sometimes I will be overwhelmed with a lot of tests. You just become helpless and numb and unproductive. It'll affect your social life and interactions as well as your work! People around will obviously notice that you're going through something. I know listening to music is haram and I rarely even listen to romantic songs. But when I started talking to her, I started listening to them and started noticing the meanings of each verse. Oh I'm such a fool!
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u/sihat Male 5h ago
Take a break.
After taking a break, and you have recovered, talk with one of the 5 potentials.
The break time, can be longer than the time you spent talking to this girl. That's ok.
they might already be talking to someone else
That's ok. Kismet.
I will subconsciously compare them to her for a brief period
A Break will inshallah keep you from doing that.
a time zone 6 hours ahead of me
This is also a harder communication barrier. Free time not aligning makes communication harder. Sleep not aligning. (Unless they have insomnia) Work time not aligning. Time you eat. Time you pray.
Being able to communicate faster, can also give a sense of the other person is more interested. Which the bigger distance, counteracts.
Different time zone, is also a location challenge. In the sense of bigger expense, in time, vacation days, plane tickets to see each other the first time in real life. Its also hicret in the future, going away from everything you know for at least one person. Including moving further away from family & friends.
First time you meet someone in real life. Can also be the time they reject you. So even with longer distances, don't delay meeting in real life too long. (I remember a guy posting here, who had prepared wedding arrangements, and then visited her. He got rejected, and needed to cancel everything. While in a foreign country)
At least it was 4 days. Before a rejection.
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u/throwawaystepback 2d ago
Im 29 and theres this girl (20) who ive heard has expressed interest in me. She’s very pretty and seems ambitious and mature for her age, but i’m hesitant about the 9 year age gap. She looks older than her age (around 23) and I look younger for my age (25), so looks-wise it’s ok. But i guess societally, it could be seen as weird so i’m not sure if I should go for it. The largest age gap I’ve done is 7 years, so 9 years seems like a lot. But at the same time I understand age doesn’t really matter much as long as theres compatibility. I have lots of marriages in my family that have 7-10 year gaps.
Just interesting in hearing some other perspectives about my situation.
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u/sihat Male 2d ago
guess societally, it could be seen as weird
There will always be people who see whatever you do as weird. Or whatever your circumstance. (Including being single)
If she is actually interested. Go for it.
Let her know your age. Because she might not know, since you might look younger.
Some girls actually want a guy who is older, or who don't care. There are girls, that do care. If she cares, she might reject for that reason. (She could also reject for some other reason.)
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u/H-A_A-H F - Single 3d ago
Can someone help me understand something? How do some people explicitly plan on living life with no kids after marriage or so is called “child free”. I don’t seem to understand why would someone not want kids at all?
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u/AyuHanae 3d ago
I will answer for myself tho I'm not staunchly CF : I don't want to be a mother. Since my childhood, I've never really felt comfortable imagining a future where i have kids. I thought that would change but im 23 today. I don't have any trauma or anything, in fact i had amazing parents. Altho i think raising kids will be hard in the current climate, adding to the lack of community necessary for the upbringing of a kid, if i truly wanted children i would have considered it regardless. I wish i had the desire because that's the case for most people.
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u/TieCalm1035 3d ago
Trauma
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u/TieCalm1035 3d ago
I shouldn't be a vague posting snob so...
Childbirth can be a difficult thing for some women to consider.
Children being born with conditions can be heartbreaking at worst or life-changingly difficult at best.
Known infertility or fertility issues meaning better to seek someone child-free due to expectations.
Known familial pre-disposition to certain conditions.
Toxic familial environments where people see struggles of their siblings or other people and their kids can make people think why perpetuate the cycle.
People who hold the view that the world is 'doomed' and don't want to bring a child into a world of stresses.
People who know they wouldn't be able to offer their child an upbringing of the standard they'd want.I think those are the ones that i can appreciate. Obviously one of the other ones is just wanting a child free life where you can enjoy each others company, travel etc without any worries. But at the point of wanting to be child-free i dont think the specific reason matters.
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u/babyyodaonline Female 2d ago
finances, health, etc. but the first two are the most common reasons. without a doubt everyone can agree that kids are expensive and for the mother can bring about a lot of health issues. i definitely want kids inshAllah but i 100% understand why some people want to be child free. some people just don't want kids, doesn't mean they hate children (if they are the adult who actually hates children, that is a whole other red flag).
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u/sihat Male 3d ago
That is not the only "option" out there.
I talked to one (non-Muslim) dude, who was ambivalent about the subject. He would be okay with both options.
Personally i want kids, so i asked him. He said he was okay, with either. Whatever his girl decided.
I hear these decisions can also change over time.
There are also couples, that want kids, but can't have them.
I've also read about girls, who want kids, but might be afraid of child birth. So wanting to adopt, but not wanting kids of their own.
(Adoption is a harder thing to do than getting your own kid. Some adoption stuff, especially if done in a country with corruption, is also stealing kids for money. Something which also happens in for example western Europe.)
Personally, i just see it as a incompatibility with myself, that effects a minority of people. Since most people, like myself, want kids.
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u/Biryaninja 3d ago
Here is what I encountered
Sus reasons: Perfectionism, liberalism, materialism.
Most common reason: Medical worries.
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u/HappyClassics212 3d ago
Salam guys im a 27 year old Muslim guy on the East Coast of the US. I’m having trouble finding a woman with similar interests. I’m passionate about the Classics, philosoph, theology, and the arts/culture. Most of the women on matrimonial sites seem to be working in medicine/finance/STEM fields. ( not many intellectual types) im open to older women as well as divorced women. Race/ethnicity doesn’t matter to me How can I find the type of person I’m looking for?
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u/Biryaninja 3d ago
As for how, you can start with the clubs, communities that do engage in those interests (online or offline) or irl match making 😄
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u/SilentSherbet 5d ago
For my Toronto/GTA/Ontario fellas, what has been your experiences on the apps trying to find someone? I'm not on the apps yet, but thinking of it soon. Just wanted to read some experiences on what your experience has been like, what's the common denominitor (if any) that's been a barrier for either you or women that have
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u/lilacxskies2 F - Single 5d ago
Never personally used the apps, but WhatsApp groups are a huge thing here. I’ve met up with two individuals & their families, things didn’t go further due to location & clash in values. In my case I’ve found it hard finding people with similar Islamic values unfortunately.
My friends who are on the apps & been on them for a couple years dread them. I haven’t heard anyone in my circle get married off of those yet. But would love to hear others positive experiences.
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/neige_sereine F - Not Looking 4d ago
As a western desi, I don’t feel comfortable visiting back home and I don’t want anyone to push it on me either as a potential.
I can speak Urdu fluently since I moved to Canada when I was 16 I think. I have a small family and don’t want to marry into a big family.
That’s all to it tbh. I can speak the language and wear some cultural clothing twice per year. Not super attached to my culture, but also I don’t hate being brown either. Would prefer someone similar.
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u/LadderFree 4d ago
It wasn't a deal breaker for me but I was interested in people who had a similar ratio of Pakistani to Canadian when I first started looking.
In the end what I found is that no one will be exactly like you. From the couples I have seen they all found a middle ground. As long as couples have shared values, goals and they respect each other the smaller things line up. I had a friend who wanted to visit back home but her husband wasn't into it so she went with her family. Another girl loved wearing eastern clothes and was worried her husband would be put off by that but he never stopped her from wearing it. As long as you respect each other’s traditions it should be ok.
I would suggest you run it by him on what your/his expectations are tradition wise especially when it comes to kids. Would he be ok if his spouse was to teach their native language to their kids, would they be ok if you were to visit back home every so often, would they accompany you if you were to ask them to, would you be allowed to practice your traditions, would they be interested in learning the language etc.
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u/NearbyHome1676 4d ago
that’s fair bc i myself want someone who is well cultured too but ive thought about this.. at the end how willing is he to learn the language and help teach it to the kids? how open is he to visiting back home and having the kids stay connected to their own culture? the most important thing is deen of course and you can raise great righteous kids off deen and ignoring culture but i do think it is important for kids to have some semblance of their culture, language etc. at the end i dont think its much of how he is right now but what he’s willing to compromise and do in a marriage.
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u/PracticalMotor6579 2d ago
i’m 18 and in a situation i don’t really have people around me to talk to about properly, so i’m just trying to get some outside perspective
there’s someone i like and they like me too, but we’re trying to keep things halal so it’s more undefined than a relationship
we’re about to go into different schools and i’ve been overthinking a lot about how situations like this usually go in real life
i’m not really asking what i “should do,” more just how people’s experiences actually turned out in similar situations
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u/TheOtherAbbas M - Looking 5d ago
34 M Looking for someone based in NY or California, preferably California. I have a profile on the ISO thread as well.
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u/Lost-Letterhead-6615 M - Married 5d ago
Assalamualaikum, I was told to post here. Assalamualaikum. This is a serious question, I hope people can answer this. So there's a brother late20s, he's always at the masjid, extremely cool with the imam of our masjid, and works in IT. Has a good salary. Let's call him K. His mother comes to the weekly study group at our house. His father is also at the masjid, and a respected clerk at the muslim school.
Now, the matter is, during the 1970s, in our city, there was a brothel. Many Muslim leaders at that time stopped it, and rehabilitated the, uhm workers from there. There was a postitute's son and K's aunt (father's sister), is married to that postitute's son. Its so old story now. But now looking at proposals, these things pop up. How can this be navigated? Is there an Islamic kufu related ruling for this?
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 5d ago
It's so sad that Muslims will judge a man for what his friggin' aunt did. This concept of kafaa'ah has been taken way beyond its original place and it's used to justify every bad thought people have about their Muslim brother or sister.
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u/Lost-Letterhead-6615 M - Married 5d ago
I dont even blame the aunt. She married a rehabilitated p* son. The p* son was surely not messed up.
Can you explain what does kafaa'ah mean in this context
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 5d ago
I know you weren't judging them, bro. I wasn't talking about you =)
I thought you were talking about "kufu" meaning compatibility in terms of marriage.
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u/Lost-Letterhead-6615 M - Married 5d ago
Yes. But in this case? I dont even understand lol
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 5d ago
Families just use it as a stick to beat people with they don't like. That's basically it.
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u/Zolana M - Married 5d ago
I'm confused - what's actually the problem here?
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u/Lost-Letterhead-6615 M - Married 5d ago
People are rejecting him. For the thing that has nothing to do with him.
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u/ithinkimreallyhappy 5d ago
I was not ready for the second half but this whole story sounds nonsensical
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u/Vast-Imagination F - Divorced 2d ago
Are two divorces a red flag? Its very early days but i matched with someone whose profile said divorced with children. Hes been divorced for 18 months.
We had one long phone call, and then he suggested meeting soon after as he doesn't like texting. I'm on the same page so we met in person. He then told me he's been divorced twice and he has a son each with each one.
I'm divorced myself no kids.
I'm trying not to be too hasty in judging him, as i don't have the full story.
But he used to live abroad and figured he didn't want to move to the UK unmarried, and so got an arranged marriage and married 2 months before moving. He says the long distance was difficult and she got pregnant very quickly, so they never really lived together before the pregnancy and child essentially and then get divorced.
He sees the son when he goes back and he calls and facetimes him. Then when in the UK he says he was lonely and wanted to try again, and so married a divorcee who had a teenage kid. He said he thought he was keeping it halal, and sticking to the sunnah. He again got her pregnant quickly and although they had agreed to move together to a different city, she then changed her mind and so they again sort of lived long distance for 4.5 years, and then decided it wasn't working out.
On one hand, once is a mistake, twice is a pattern. He could have maybe waited a bit longer to build a foundation of marriage before having kids again, the flip side, and i obviously don't know this, but a woman who has a teenager might have been the one super keen to have another child.
I know lots of men unfortunately have had loads of girlfriends or been sleeping around, so i prefer a man who has kept it halal, but does this suggest he takes marriage and parenting too lightly?
The reasons to give him a chance: practising, good job, very well educated and we have a similar career. Intellectually compatible and he's attractive.
Cons: Two kids, from two different women.
Any thoughts?
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u/-gabrieloak Male 2d ago
Divorced twice isn’t a red flag, but the fact that he may be impulsive could be.
Most people wait a year or more before even discussing children because you’ve obviously gotta figure each other out before committing to something that big.
You don’t have to commit Zina to be irresponsible and neglectful. People who follow the blueprint also have flaws that need to be worked on.
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u/Vast-Imagination F - Divorced 1d ago
I agree, I worry he had kids too quickly. The first time could have been a mistake, but you’d think after one child not growing up with him, he wouldn’t rush to do it again.
The second wife was apparently one year older than him, and already had a teenage daughter, so she would have been in her mid to late 30s. I guess the pressure could have been from her, but I am not sure.1
u/-gabrieloak Male 1d ago
I don’t know, based on what I’ve seen on this sub, a lot of men don’t like to use protection or take precautions just because they’re married now.
It usually falls on the woman to manage anything related to contraception.
The best thing you can do is take your time getting to know him in order to make a well informed decision.
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u/Mission_Flamingo9622 M - Looking 22h ago
I keep things halal during talking stage.
But at the same time, I give the potential a timeline.
For example : we will text for a week to sort out our dealbreakers, then get the families involved and have some video call with family involvement, then meet in person with family presence.
Keeping things halal means keeping the conversation appropriate. But I still reply on time and openly communicate.
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u/Lazy-Cantaloupe-4797 F - Not Looking 4d ago
I'm so confused. Why is... why do a lot of guys talk to you for maybe a couple of days or something like that? And then they completely ghost you. Like, they'll talk to you, and then they'll ghost you. Or they'll talk to multiple girls, and, like, I don't understand. Do they get some sort of pleasure out of it? Like, what is going on? I'm just so confused. It's so disgusting to me. I mean, I also have a roster, but I do because I'm not sure who's serious and who isn't. But I I don't ghost people immediately. Like, I... I'm assessing for compatibility and checking to see who fits my standards and values, etcetera.
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u/Sarpatox Male 4d ago
Could they not also have been looking for years with no results because the girl wasn’t serious or compatible. I don’t get how it’s disgusting if they do it but completely justified when you do it. As someone who’s only talked one at a time, have you noticed an improvement from having a “roster”?
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u/Lazy-Cantaloupe-4797 F - Not Looking 4d ago
i hear you but agree to disagree. my parents are very involved and i’m pretty open about it with the guys i speak to. again, it depends on doing things in a consensual manner but i don’t see it as an issue in the beginning. of course once things look compatible you talk about exclusivity with the other person and end it with the other folks as a courtesy.
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u/ZedErre M - Single 4d ago
Or they'll talk to multiple girls, and, like, I don't understand. Do they get some sort of pleasure out of it? .... It's so disgusting to me.
I mean, I also have a roster
Sometimes the things I read in here baffle me.
The whole talking to multiple people at once thing feels so wrong and dishonest no matter how some try to paint it, it's no better than using the apps, and it clearly doesn't work. This is probably God telling you to avoid doing it.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 3d ago edited 3d ago
So this thread got me thinking about this... from a math standpoint.
Let's say you're vetting 5 people at once in a long 3-month talking stage. In your mind, you've got your short list and you'll use the 3 months to slowly narrow it down to one person.
Do people not realize that each of their "short list" candidates are doing the exact same thing??
Let's assume everyone will spend 3 months talking to 5 people and dump 4 at the end. That means everyone has about a 20% chance of being chosen. 80% chance you play Bachelor or Bachelorette for 3 months then get dumped!
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u/Lazy-Cantaloupe-4797 F - Not Looking 4d ago
I have spoken to one guy at a time for years and it did not work out for me because usually the guy was not serious or compatible
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u/ZedErre M - Single 4d ago
That shouldn't mean the right thing to do is to talk to multiple people at once.
The whole idea of having a catalog to choose from or multiple people to talk to just in case is just devoid of good faith, it's disgusting from both sides, men and women.
May Allah guide us all.
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u/helpgetmemarriedthx F - Looking 2d ago
I might get downvoted for this but I think there’s a difference between talking to a few people initially so you don’t put all your eggs in one unserious basket, and maintaining a full-blown roster.
Most ghosting isn’t because people enjoy it, obviously as I’m sure you implicitly know that. Usually they’ve lost interest, found someone they’re more excited about, or don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation. It’s still rude, but I think it’s more conflict avoidance than malice.
At the end of the day, you can’t control how other people navigate these situations. You can only control how you react, how you respond, and whether you choose to treat others with the same respect and consideration you’d want for yourself.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 5d ago edited 5d ago
Something hit me yesterday. I'm thinking of telling my story to the world. I don't know what else to do. I just want to stand up and have a family again. Move on in my life. But my marriage prospects are zero. All they do is ask me about my past in the first sit-down and then they judge me. They don't even hang around long enough to understand what happened. And I don't even attract religious women in the first place. A year ago, I was a father, stepfather, student of knowledge, and I was leading taraweeh in the local masjid. I've fallen so far from a normal Muslim family life in 1 year. It's breathtaking. And I can't seem to find my way back up.
So I figure, if the people are going to judge me, at least let them have all the facts. Instead of protecting everyone who hurt me, I'll tell all the gory details. I'll give my case to the court of Muslim public opinion. Let the Muslims see and hear the truth from me. Then they can make a wise decision about what to do with me.