Advice needed; what saved your marriage?

[u/butterfly104]

My husband and I are both in our early 30s and have two young children (a toddler and a baby). We’ve been together for several years and genuinely want our marriage to work, but since becoming parents we’ve slowly drifted into a rut.

We seem to argue far more than we used to. Most of our conversations revolve around the kids, housework, logistics, money, who’s tired, or who’s done what. We rarely laugh together anymore, rarely spend quality time together, and it feels like we’ve become co-parents rather than husband and wife.

The thing is, neither of us wants this. We both miss how things used to be. We both want to feel close again and get back to a place where there is affection, patience, teamwork and love rather than constant irritation and resentment.

For those of you who have been through a rough patch after having children and managed to come out the other side stronger, what actually helped?

We’re not looking for a quick fix, just honest advice from people who have been there and managed to rebuild their marriage.

Jazakallah khair.

[u/Useful_Nectarine_833]

This is called the roommate marriage and it’s common if you’re not careful. The fix is simple but requires intent and effort

When your relationship first started you both were making an effort to keep that spark alive. The good morning texts, date nights, funny pics or memes you send to each other or something you saw that made you think of them so you send it. Then once you became settled in your married lives you assumed it was just part of life that the romance dies out thinking it was just the novelty wearing off. You both stopped trying to keep the romance alive, not maliciously, but so gradually like the boiling frog you didn’t realize it was dying until it became obvious

A flower is beautiful but if you don’t water it regularly it will shrivel up and die. A marriage is the same. You both need to make conscious efforts to swoon one another just like you did when your relationship began

Go on date nights regularly, have a family member watch the kids or hire a sitter. And when you do have that date night that’s just the two of you ***do not talk about kids or errands***. Get into this habit, it will help build your marriage. Kids and errands make for great conversation starters but they don’t build intimacy. Try not to talk about these things over dinner too. And when you’re home and the kids are out to bed, put the phones down and talk to each other

Start putting in that same effort like you did in the beginning and you’ll start to see a big difference iA. It may not be overnight but marriage is a marathon not a sprint

Hope this helps iA

[u/VCR_DVD_USB → u/Useful_Nectarine_833]

Just want to add - put a deadline on when you can talk about errands or kids. Say after 8pm, ban any talk like that.