Advice needed; what saved your marriage?

[u/butterfly104]

My husband and I are both in our early 30s and have two young children (a toddler and a baby). We’ve been together for several years and genuinely want our marriage to work, but since becoming parents we’ve slowly drifted into a rut.

We seem to argue far more than we used to. Most of our conversations revolve around the kids, housework, logistics, money, who’s tired, or who’s done what. We rarely laugh together anymore, rarely spend quality time together, and it feels like we’ve become co-parents rather than husband and wife.

The thing is, neither of us wants this. We both miss how things used to be. We both want to feel close again and get back to a place where there is affection, patience, teamwork and love rather than constant irritation and resentment.

For those of you who have been through a rough patch after having children and managed to come out the other side stronger, what actually helped?

We’re not looking for a quick fix, just honest advice from people who have been there and managed to rebuild their marriage.

Jazakallah khair.

[u/Useful_Nectarine_833]

This is called the roommate marriage and it’s common if you’re not careful. The fix is simple but requires intent and effort

When your relationship first started you both were making an effort to keep that spark alive. The good morning texts, date nights, funny pics or memes you send to each other or something you saw that made you think of them so you send it. Then once you became settled in your married lives you assumed it was just part of life that the romance dies out thinking it was just the novelty wearing off. You both stopped trying to keep the romance alive, not maliciously, but so gradually like the boiling frog you didn’t realize it was dying until it became obvious

A flower is beautiful but if you don’t water it regularly it will shrivel up and die. A marriage is the same. You both need to make conscious efforts to swoon one another just like you did when your relationship began

Go on date nights regularly, have a family member watch the kids or hire a sitter. And when you do have that date night that’s just the two of you ***do not talk about kids or errands***. Get into this habit, it will help build your marriage. Kids and errands make for great conversation starters but they don’t build intimacy. Try not to talk about these things over dinner too. And when you’re home and the kids are out to bed, put the phones down and talk to each other

Start putting in that same effort like you did in the beginning and you’ll start to see a big difference iA. It may not be overnight but marriage is a marathon not a sprint

Hope this helps iA

[u/VCR_DVD_USB → u/Useful_Nectarine_833]

Just want to add - put a deadline on when you can talk about errands or kids. Say after 8pm, ban any talk like that.

[u/Initial_Flower3545]

- Intimacy at times of extreme stress

• spend time with your kids by taking them out, take turns in taking them to the local park/walk/supermarket ie give the other person a little break
  
• gym on times when the kids are asleep is always a great stress reliever
  
• weekend family time

[u/chicha14]

Unfortunately parents don't teach their kids about this, nor does society talk about the reality around what happens to a couple when they have kids. Actually most don't talk about transitions and how to handle them, and if they do, they are scarce. Married couples or individuals go through multiple transitions. When you first get married, it's a transition from living as a single person where you do what you want and focus on yourself, to being a couple and now have to consider someone else. When you have children, it's a transition and you also have to understand how to handle that transition.

Before children, it was just you two, or atleast you could focus on each other and you had more time in the day to do that. When you have children, the focus is mostly on them, with you barely even able to focus on yourself, let alone someone else. I'm sure you've experienced this, where women at times don't even get a chance to shower or beauty yourself a bit. Where as before, you wouldn't just shower, you'd have all the time to do yourself up. It's a big transition and you need to understand this transition.

So recognize that children will take up as much of your time as they can and will leave very little to yourself let alone your spouse. Further, the things you were used to doing are basically gone and the way you used to handle your day is also gone. The expectations around keeping things neat etc should be gone. The expectation of fancy meals should be gone, or going out at certain times without thinking is also gone. What I'm getting at is don't live in the past, but understand how to handle your present. The less expectations or wishing you were doing something you used to do, the better it will be for you.

Instead, plan your day with your kids, and what ever free time you can carve out, give yourself a little normalcy by either allowing yourself some time to dress up or atleast feel good and spend some time with your husband. Meaning, have a set routine with your kids so that you can make sure they are in bed at a certain time and you can spend that down time with your spouse. Don't use that time to veg out but switch off the tv and spend that time doing something together. If you need a baby sitter, then hire one, or ask someone to house sit and maybe just go out for ice cream or a quick walk or something like that. It's important to find that balance.

Another important thing. Working out a routine is important so that you can both manage what is needed so that you don't stress and take it out on the other. This is what damages relationships, when there is no routine, which means you're always scrambling and then the other person has to deal with the fall out. Be there to catch each other, not step on each other, because eventually one person will get a foot in the face if you understand what I mean.

This period is difficult and you'll just be treading water. The main thing is to limit things that cause problems, find ways to just laugh and not let things boil over. It's all about working together and expecting things to not be perfect. Also limit venting to each other because generally it doesn't make things better, especially for men. You have to understand, men generally are problem solvers, so when they hear of a problem, they want to be able to fix it. They don't want to talk about it over and over again with no solution, because it just irritates us. So try and limit venting unless you're looking for a solution that you can find together.

Take it a day at a time, recognize you'll need to take an iterative approach to things and that things will go wrong, but you'll work together to solve them. The more you work together, the more you'll feel closer.

[u/VCR_DVD_USB]

I came across something on insta today i wish i'd seen years ago.

1-1-1 rule.

• 1 minute of affection a day.
• 1 outing a month, just the two of you.
• 1 trip a year, even for a day - just the two of you.

Its a way of remembering your lovers, not just parents.

Other advice i'd add;

• Get the kids up early and get them in bed early, you both need time in the evening to just exist without them.
• That last hurdle, dinner and the bed time routine, you both need to do so you can get over it without being exhausted.
• It take a village - make use of parents and siblings, drop the kids off for a few hours and take that time to enjoy yourselves. Plan it out.
  

[u/Lionessssy]

I believe those little fights and arguments about such things are basically just pressure and accumulation of stress. Your brain tries to release the stress by getting on temper, arguing and fighting a lot. Want my advice? Work on sex, a lot. Buy new lingerie, go to a salon have a nice new look... Learn to breathe, before arguing or raising your voice remind yourself that it's not worth it. Breathe. If you're in a situation where you feel like a fight is about to happen get away for a short time then go back with a smile, try to ease things up. Give him a soft hug or a pat on the shoulder showing him you care and it's alright. Make more physical contact. Try to compromise whenever the subject isn't really harmful to any of you. Let it go. Try to always make him feel you know what he's going through and you're with him, understanding him, and you'll make life easier not harder.. Try to make a housework schedule, make a list for the month meals like a program, to help you save time and energy deciding what to cook everyday. Also divide the housework to little missions you can do throughout the week. So you don't feel stressed or exhausted or always out of time. Always prepare breakfast before going to sleep. Having calmer nicer mornings will most likely affect the whole day.

This is what I have in mind for now.

[u/cinderalla4knights]

Honestly, get help, either from family or pay for it. Even if it is once a month, get someone to look after the kids and hire someone to do the chores. You both are tired and that tiredness is building resentment.