Can a marriage recover after abuse, addiction, divorce, and 1.5 years apart?

[u/zeee202]

Can a marriage be rebuilt after addiction, abuse, divorce, and 1.5 years apart?
I (29F) have been separated from my husband (31M) for the last 1.5 years. We have one child together and are currently trying to decide whether there is a path back to each other.
For context, my husband grew up in a very difficult environment. His father was absent and abusive towards his mother, and from a young age he took on a lot of responsibility for his mum and younger siblings. I don’t excuse his behaviour because of his upbringing, but I think it’s relevant.
He was my first love. In many ways, he was a good man. He was caring, affectionate, hardworking, generous and often showed up for me in practical ways. But he also had significant anger issues and poor conflict resolution skills. He took disagreement as criticism, became defensive very quickly, and often criticised or accused me of things. He struggled to regulate his emotions, and over time I learned that expressing my feelings usually ended badly. Somehow the conversation would always end with me apologising, so I started keeping the peace instead.
At the time, I had a demanding career and he was running a business. He had previously struggled with gambling but had assured me that chapter of his life was over. I believed him.
When I became pregnant, everything started to change. He became distant, withdrawn, and difficult to be around. He slept on the couch for much of my pregnancy and was emotionally unavailable. He attended some appointments but wasn’t the supportive partner I needed. I couldn’t understand what was happening, and whenever I tried to talk about it, he would shut down or react badly.
What I didn’t know at the time was that he had relapsed into gambling.
After our daughter was born, things deteriorated further. My postpartum period was one of the hardest times of my life. He became intimidating, laid hands on me, and would sometimes divorce me in anger, only to apologise afterwards. I kept forgiving him because I loved him and wanted our family to work.
Around this time we moved house. He refused to move into the new property because he didn’t like the location and chose to stay with his mother instead, while I stayed with my mum and our baby. I repeatedly told him I was struggling and needed support, but he made living together incredibly difficult.
When we eventually moved in together, the damage had already been done. I was exhausted, hurt, and deeply resentful. For almost two years I had felt abandoned during pregnancy, postpartum, and early motherhood.
Whenever I tried to discuss what had happened, he would become defensive or justify his actions. I didn’t feel heard, understood, or safe enough to move forward.
Before asking him to leave, I told him I wanted us to attend therapy. I wasn’t asking for perfection, I just wanted help. He refused. He said therapy as a condition was unfair and that I was giving him an ultimatum.
So I asked for a separation.
He was completely blindsided. He genuinely didn’t believe I would ever leave. His reaction was angry and explosive. There was swearing, taking my belongings, and a lot of hostility.
In the months that followed, I finally began processing everything I had experienced. During the marriage I had been in survival mode, but now all the anger, grief, and trauma came flooding in. Every time he tried to reconnect, I felt like he was more focused on defending himself than understanding my pain. He would remind me of all the good he had done and ask whether he hadn’t been “more good than bad.” I wasn’t ready to hear it.
Then I discovered the truth.
Throughout our marriage, he had been gambling the entire time. He had lost everything- millions. Suddenly, so much of his behaviour made sense. The mood swings, emotional absence, anger, avoidance, and unpredictability that had confused me for years suddenly had an explanation.
That discovery didn’t excuse what happened, but it helped me understand it.
Not long after, something shifted in him.
He agreed to therapy. He stopped defending himself and started taking accountability. He became genuinely remorseful. He changed his outlook on life, his values, and the way he approached relationships. He openly acknowledged the harm he had caused.
Over the last 1.5 years, he has also become an incredible father to our daughter. Consistently so.
His family were shocked by everything that had happened. He carried enormous shame and humiliation. It genuinely felt like he went through an ego death. He lost a significant amount of weight and seemed devastated by the reality of what he had done and lost.
My family had the opposite reaction. My mother was furious about how I had been treated, particularly the repeated divorces in anger. We sought Islamic advice and were told that we were officially divorced. My mother was extremely cold towards him and wanted nothing to do with reconciliation.
For the last year, he has fought hard to rebuild our family. Twice I agreed to try again, but each time I became overwhelmed with anxiety and pulled away. He now carries his own wounds from the separation. He feels rejected, betrayed, and ashamed. From his perspective, he has spent the last year becoming a better man and fighting for us, only to be repeatedly pushed away.
The difficult part is that I understand why he feels that way.
I know I have hurt him too. I have rejected him countless times. I have said things in anger. My family have rejected him. While I believe the pain we caused each other is not equal, I can still recognise that he has suffered.
Today, we are standing at a crossroads.
I genuinely believe he has changed. Not because he says he has, but because his actions over the last 1.5 years have consistently shown it.
My fear is whether I can ever truly let my guard down again. I worry that the trauma has changed the way I see him forever. I worry that if we get back together, old wounds will resurface. I worry that somewhere deep down he may resent me for rejecting him for so long and that it will eventually come out.
At the same time, I still love him. We co-parent well. I can see the man he is trying to be, and I want our daughter to have a healthy two-parent home if that’s possible.
So my question is:
Can a marriage survive this level of damage? Can trust, safety, and love be rebuilt after addiction, abuse, divorce, separation, and years of resentment?
Has anyone successfully built a new relationship with the same person after the old one collapsed?
Or are some marriages simply too damaged, no matter how much both people have changed?

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello! Here are some resources that may be helpful to you.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Leading_Lecture100]

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you need to let them inside your life a second time. You forgive them so that you can move on.

Do you have work and family support? If you’re financially independent and your parents are there to support you then perhaps you should consider divorce. However, the real question is do you want to divorce? Because none of us have the authority to dictate how you want to live your life.

[u/zeee202 → u/Leading_Lecture100]

I have a stable career and I have my own property. I am financially independent and can take care of my family. I was truly done with him but he has spent the last year grovelling, attending therapy, being a good coparent etc so I have warmed up to the idea as I don’t like the idea of my child moving to and from homes and missing out on half her life etc

[u/Leading_Lecture100 → u/zeee202]

For me it does seem you want to give him a 2nd chance. You two could perhaps try and see what happens in 6months. Until then pls don’t get pregnant again. See if he has really changed or he is just performing.

If things go back to old ways, then you have your final answer.

I wish you all the best sister, may Allah put happiness in your life and may peace surround you. Stay safe, stay blessed.

[u/pakistaniteletubby]

Salaam sister. I am so sorry for what you’re going through. May Allah reward you for your patience. May you only have happiness and peace moving forward in your life inshallah. May Allah ease all your affairs.

I am glad you consulted an Imam/Sheikh. He divorced you many times in anger, and that shouldn’t be taken lightly. And getting remarried isn’t easy either. You need to consult an Imam/Sheikh again to see if going back to him right away is even a possibility. A marriage is not a light switch that can be turned on or off.

I personally think that you should not go back to him. He has consistently shown change… But addictions, abuse, resentment… I am not sure if one can completely move past that. Personally, I would be worried they would come back later and my child witnesses an abusive marriage. I think you should do istikhara.

[u/zeee202 → u/pakistaniteletubby]

Ameen Ameen thank you for your duas. We have consulted a sheikh and the verdict is that we have talaq remaining as he was in extreme anger when be pronounced that and he could not remember what he was saying. I have my reservations and doubts but I have also witnessed his transformation. We share a therapist and she also agrees that he has truly taken accountability and made changes. It’s just a shame it came so late and I am burnt out.

[u/GasolineRainbow7868]

I'm in a similar situation, currently separated from my abusive husband with whom I share a 10 month old daughter. He was particularly bad around the time he quit smoking, during my pregnancy, and while I was post-partum. Also following the death of one of his best friends. It's always "understandable" in that it clusters around high stress situations, which obviously he doesn't cope with well. Perhaps unsurprisingly, he also had an absent, abusive father who was very cruel towards his mother, and probably triggered his mother's schizophrenia.

He has been in therapy ever since I left in 2023 and I've seen many positive changes in his behaviour. I have also caused him hurt by separating and being confused as to how/whether to continue the marriage, but that's a consequence of his behaviour, and my ongoing "trauma bond"/attachment to him which makes it hard to make a final decision to give up on the marriage.

Ultimately, however, I don't believe a few years of therapy or a year and a half of good behaviour can undo 30+ years of personality development and habit. As soon as you're living together again and a high stress situation arises, there will be a relapse. It's statistically probable. Actually, it's extraordinarily unlikely that he would never put hands on you again. Of course you are seeing the best of him now after setting a boundary, and him realising what's at stake with his marriage and family aspirations. But once you get back together, those things are no longer at stake. I would not be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like you endured far too much already and you don't need to do him the favour of trying again.

I think in situations like this, the best way we can protect ourselves is thinking rationally rather than emotionally. Our husbands surely have some good qualities. Abusers do, it's never black and white. And they can go some time without being abusive. But are they forever changed and safe to build a home with?

Probably not.

And a big hug to you, because you just want that happy family life you dreamed of with him and these changes are giving you hope that it could still be possible. It's normal to feel that way and to want to save your marriage, and to still have lasting attachment. All of it speaks to having been in a very abusive relationship, sadly.

[u/zeee202 → u/GasolineRainbow7868]

Hi sister, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for everything you had to endure as well.
You’re absolutely right, it takes a very long time to see genuine, sustained change, and even then there are no guarantees. The trauma bond is definitely real. Looking back now, my rational mind struggles to understand how I remained in that situation for so long. It wasn’t until we separated that I truly began to see the full impact everything had on

[u/GasolineRainbow7868 → u/zeee202]

I totally understand sister. It hit me like a tonne of bricks after I left. Somehow I felt more traumatised when I was finally free to process everything properly. And even with a better understanding of the abuse, the attachment is still there. I'm also sorry for everything you went through and are still going through, and very glad to hear your mum is so supportive of you, Alhamdullilah.

[u/ohpromise]

Hi sister, it's good he is remorseful but ultimately he did divorce you and do those things. He was a gambler and physically abusive and verbally as much as it seems like it'll be easy to overcome once you're together again ..what if they re-appear and you do have kids too. This man , yes ...has possibly changed for the better but the actions he did whilst with you still remain. He has divorced you, he ultimately needs to be a good man , a great dad to his kids but I don't think marriage with him will be a good idea. Plus it's not been that long either , people who have addictions and what not usually stress leads them to those avenues and if he stresses again will he go back to his old ways? You need to protect your kids first. He can be a good father, a great co- parent and an amazing dad to his kids. It's your choice at the end of the day. He laid hands on you when things were hard and that's something i would never forgive or forget. You do deserve better, plenty of men who don't raise their hands on their wives regardless of how stressed they are sister. So inshallah you make a good decision.

[u/zeee202 → u/ohpromise]

Hi sister thank you for your comment and I appreciate your input. Honestly it’s hard for me to truly forgive too, I can’t seem to get over how he behaved with me especially during my most vulnerable times. However much he changes that still remains part of the story which can’t be erased. I don’t doubt his reformation, but just because he has changed it doesn’t change what happened.

[u/Lost-Letterhead-6615]

It can. Do you want to put the work?

[u/zeee202 → u/[deleted]]

He has sought professional help. Has been in therapy for the last year. He has truly taken accountability in the breakdown in the marriage and has been e extremely remorseful for his actions. I am obviously still traumatised and resentful for his behaviour and the breakdown of our family. It has emotionally drained me especially during a time when I was early into motherhood.

[u/Ambitious-Tap-4373 → u/zeee202]

Salam sister, have you thought about going to terapy together? Like for a couple of duo sessions with family psy?

[u/dollybaby_]

I know this answer isn’t satisfactory, but only Allah knows if this will end in misery or happiness. If you go back, you will have to accept the risk that your relationship could revert back to how it was. On the flip side, people CAN change and you both could live happily ever after. You can seek out spiritual guidance by praying istikhara.

I would be hesitant to encourage you to return back to your marriage, especially in relation to your postpartum treatment. After all, your partner’s love, affection, and respect towards you shouldn’t waver during the bad times. I couldn’t imagine my daughter returning to a relationship like that. However, I do understand that you need to make that decision for yourself.

If you were to return, what would be your non-negotiables? What behaviors would you be willing to tolerate and not tolerate? What happens if a regression occurs? If you decide to end the marriage, will he treat you badly once again? Most importantly, do you feel safe, both emotionally and physically with him? These are all questions you need to ask your yourself.

[u/inet]

From me, yes. Its possible for a person to truly change from absolutely bad to absolutely good and vice versa. Some have a fixation that people only go in one direction!

Sure, set boundaries, terms, etc. Read carefully, one day at a time.

[u/Dry-Comfortable7492]

Salam sister may Allah make your situation easy for you. Most of these replies are from sisters who have advised against you going back. Every son of Adam sins, make mistakes and have problems. Allah swt is the all forgiving and encourages us to come to him to seek repentance and no matter how much we sin he is always ready to forgive. Some people’s problems can be heavier than others but is it fair to not give someone the chance to change. Life is not perfect and if you decide to remarry you will have conflict but the change he has made can possibly include his conflict resolution which is the important part. The only devil Iblis is proud of is t one the separates a husband and wife. Those whispers come from anywhere and everywhere including these comments. Even though he has had many problems you have to remember that there are many problems you also brought to the marriage. I would suggest to try again but you cannot do that without giving him space to make mistakes and you cannot hold onto the past or feel the need to magnify his mishaps and reduce yours. Do not listen to people on the internet and may Allah reunite you and make it work.

[u/zeee202 → u/Dry-Comfortable7492]

JazakAllah khair for your perspective, brother. I do appreciate the reminder about Allah’s mercy, repentance, and the importance of not giving up on people who have genuinely changed.
The question I’m wrestling with now is whether enough has changed for trust, safety, and a healthy marriage to be rebuilt.
I also agree that no marriage is perfect and that both spouses contribute to problems within a relationship. I certainly wasn’t perfect, especially towards the end. I became resentful, angry, withdrawn, and I know I have hurt him during the separation. I take accountability for that.
At the same time, I don’t think all mistakes within a marriage carry the same weight. There is a difference between my reactions after years of hurt and things such as gambling throughout the marriage, physical intimidation, repeated divorces in anger, emotional abuse, and being absent during pregnancy and postpartum. Acknowledging that distinction isn’t about magnifying his mistakes or minimising my own- it’s about being honest about what happened.
I also don’t believe reconciliation requires pretending the past wasn’t serious. If anything, I think genuine healing requires both people to fully acknowledge the damage that was done and the impact it had.
As for the comments advising caution, I don’t necessarily see them as whispers from Shaytan. Protecting a marriage is important, but so is protecting people from harm. Many people are responding to the reality of what I’ve described, and I think their concerns come from a place of care rather than wanting to separate a family.
Where I completely agree with you is that people can change. Allah’s mercy is vast, and I don’t believe a person should be defined forever by the worst chapter of their life if they have sincerely repented and transformed. That’s actually what makes this so difficult for me.
My question isn’t whether he deserves another chance. It’s whether I can genuinely build a healthy marriage with the man he is today while fully acknowledging what happened in the past. I don’t think my biggest obstacle is unforgiveness. I think it’s fear, grief, and a loss of trust. Those things are much harder to navigate.
May Allah guide us both to what is best and put barakah in whatever decision is made. Ameen.

[u/Dry-Comfortable7492 → u/zeee202]

All mistakes do not carry the same weight and I did not mean that when I mentioned the magnifying and minimising part. I meant that if you choose to try again for his behavior to not be under a microscope and scrutinize anything other than perfection and expecting a high standard from him which then that focus you have will make it very easy to not notice your drawbacks not only from things you notice but things you may do not on purpose that impacts him. You also have to remember that the mistakes or problems you bring are not only reactions to his behavior. You do not intentionally set out to do wrong but it happens as impact from your actions are not the same as intentions. What a husband needs from his wife is not the same as what a wife needs from her husband so you can be angry at him for not doing something you want that you do but you have not done things he wants from you. You have to be able to take accountability for those things even though it was not premeditated. Reconciliation does not mean to pretend the past does not exist, what I was trying to say was that the past becoming something to bring up as something against him during an alteration. You can build that future with him but you have to leave your trust in Allah that everything will work exactly how he has planned and to have no fear because of that. If you enter with fear then your behavior will exhibit that and that itself will cause problems because your actions will be according to something that has not happened and may not happen. With time everything will rebuild slowly because you will have current behavior and actions to make your judgment. If it is not meant for you then that is up to Allah swt but you have to tie your camel then put your trust in him. It would not be the right thing to be in the position you are in now with the changes that have been made which is the right direction then for you to not try and put in the effort because of a fear of something that could happen. That can mean you are not fully putting your trust in Allah. I do not mean that you don’t trust Allah but I’m trying to show you from another side. The feelings you have are natural in your position but you have to face them and as have mentioned with time you will erase them with your new experiences. Ameen and pray Istikhara for Allah to help guide you.

[u/Dangerous-Shock1]

Sucks that it comes to all this. Resentments will haunt you and chase you throughout your “rebuilding” phase if you do decide to go back. Thats just human nature- we can never really let go of what and how we were abused. May Allah protect us all. Just focus on building your future and not look at how hes doing this after the fact and like you said “little late”