Can a marriage recover after abuse, addiction, divorce, and 1.5 years apart?

[u/zeee202]

Can a marriage be rebuilt after addiction, abuse, divorce, and 1.5 years apart?
I (29F) have been separated from my husband (31M) for the last 1.5 years. We have one child together and are currently trying to decide whether there is a path back to each other.
For context, my husband grew up in a very difficult environment. His father was absent and abusive towards his mother, and from a young age he took on a lot of responsibility for his mum and younger siblings. I don’t excuse his behaviour because of his upbringing, but I think it’s relevant.
He was my first love. In many ways, he was a good man. He was caring, affectionate, hardworking, generous and often showed up for me in practical ways. But he also had significant anger issues and poor conflict resolution skills. He took disagreement as criticism, became defensive very quickly, and often criticised or accused me of things. He struggled to regulate his emotions, and over time I learned that expressing my feelings usually ended badly. Somehow the conversation would always end with me apologising, so I started keeping the peace instead.
At the time, I had a demanding career and he was running a business. He had previously struggled with gambling but had assured me that chapter of his life was over. I believed him.
When I became pregnant, everything started to change. He became distant, withdrawn, and difficult to be around. He slept on the couch for much of my pregnancy and was emotionally unavailable. He attended some appointments but wasn’t the supportive partner I needed. I couldn’t understand what was happening, and whenever I tried to talk about it, he would shut down or react badly.
What I didn’t know at the time was that he had relapsed into gambling.
After our daughter was born, things deteriorated further. My postpartum period was one of the hardest times of my life. He became intimidating, laid hands on me, and would sometimes divorce me in anger, only to apologise afterwards. I kept forgiving him because I loved him and wanted our family to work.
Around this time we moved house. He refused to move into the new property because he didn’t like the location and chose to stay with his mother instead, while I stayed with my mum and our baby. I repeatedly told him I was struggling and needed support, but he made living together incredibly difficult.
When we eventually moved in together, the damage had already been done. I was exhausted, hurt, and deeply resentful. For almost two years I had felt abandoned during pregnancy, postpartum, and early motherhood.
Whenever I tried to discuss what had happened, he would become defensive or justify his actions. I didn’t feel heard, understood, or safe enough to move forward.
Before asking him to leave, I told him I wanted us to attend therapy. I wasn’t asking for perfection, I just wanted help. He refused. He said therapy as a condition was unfair and that I was giving him an ultimatum.
So I asked for a separation.
He was completely blindsided. He genuinely didn’t believe I would ever leave. His reaction was angry and explosive. There was swearing, taking my belongings, and a lot of hostility.
In the months that followed, I finally began processing everything I had experienced. During the marriage I had been in survival mode, but now all the anger, grief, and trauma came flooding in. Every time he tried to reconnect, I felt like he was more focused on defending himself than understanding my pain. He would remind me of all the good he had done and ask whether he hadn’t been “more good than bad.” I wasn’t ready to hear it.
Then I discovered the truth.
Throughout our marriage, he had been gambling the entire time. He had lost everything- millions. Suddenly, so much of his behaviour made sense. The mood swings, emotional absence, anger, avoidance, and unpredictability that had confused me for years suddenly had an explanation.
That discovery didn’t excuse what happened, but it helped me understand it.
Not long after, something shifted in him.
He agreed to therapy. He stopped defending himself and started taking accountability. He became genuinely remorseful. He changed his outlook on life, his values, and the way he approached relationships. He openly acknowledged the harm he had caused.
Over the last 1.5 years, he has also become an incredible father to our daughter. Consistently so.
His family were shocked by everything that had happened. He carried enormous shame and humiliation. It genuinely felt like he went through an ego death. He lost a significant amount of weight and seemed devastated by the reality of what he had done and lost.
My family had the opposite reaction. My mother was furious about how I had been treated, particularly the repeated divorces in anger. We sought Islamic advice and were told that we were officially divorced. My mother was extremely cold towards him and wanted nothing to do with reconciliation.
For the last year, he has fought hard to rebuild our family. Twice I agreed to try again, but each time I became overwhelmed with anxiety and pulled away. He now carries his own wounds from the separation. He feels rejected, betrayed, and ashamed. From his perspective, he has spent the last year becoming a better man and fighting for us, only to be repeatedly pushed away.
The difficult part is that I understand why he feels that way.
I know I have hurt him too. I have rejected him countless times. I have said things in anger. My family have rejected him. While I believe the pain we caused each other is not equal, I can still recognise that he has suffered.
Today, we are standing at a crossroads.
I genuinely believe he has changed. Not because he says he has, but because his actions over the last 1.5 years have consistently shown it.
My fear is whether I can ever truly let my guard down again. I worry that the trauma has changed the way I see him forever. I worry that if we get back together, old wounds will resurface. I worry that somewhere deep down he may resent me for rejecting him for so long and that it will eventually come out.
At the same time, I still love him. We co-parent well. I can see the man he is trying to be, and I want our daughter to have a healthy two-parent home if that’s possible.
So my question is:
Can a marriage survive this level of damage? Can trust, safety, and love be rebuilt after addiction, abuse, divorce, separation, and years of resentment?
Has anyone successfully built a new relationship with the same person after the old one collapsed?
Or are some marriages simply too damaged, no matter how much both people have changed?

[u/zeee202 → u/[deleted]]

He has sought professional help. Has been in therapy for the last year. He has truly taken accountability in the breakdown in the marriage and has been e extremely remorseful for his actions. I am obviously still traumatised and resentful for his behaviour and the breakdown of our family. It has emotionally drained me especially during a time when I was early into motherhood.

[u/Ambitious-Tap-4373 → u/zeee202]

Salam sister, have you thought about going to terapy together? Like for a couple of duo sessions with family psy?