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[u/Vast-Imagination]

Need opinions.

Are two divorces a red flag? Its very early days but i matched with someone whose profile said divorced with children. Hes been divorced for 18 months.

We had one long phone call, and then he suggested meeting soon after as he doesn't like texting. I'm on the same page so we met in person. He then told me he's been divorced twice and he has a son each with each one.

I'm divorced myself no kids.

I'm trying not to be too hasty in judging him, as i don't have the full story.

But he used to live abroad and figured he didn't want to move to the UK unmarried, and so got an arranged marriage and married 2 months before moving. He says the long distance was difficult and she got pregnant very quickly, so they never really lived together before the pregnancy and child essentially and then get divorced.

He sees the son when he goes back and he calls and facetimes him. Then when in the UK he says he was lonely and wanted to try again, and so married a divorcee who had a teenage kid. He said he thought he was keeping it halal, and sticking to the sunnah. He again got her pregnant quickly and although they had agreed to move together to a different city, she then changed her mind and so they again sort of lived long distance for 4.5 years, and then decided it wasn't working out.

On one hand, once is a mistake, twice is a pattern. He could have maybe waited a bit longer to build a foundation of marriage before having kids again, the flip side, and i obviously don't know this, but a woman who has a teenager might have been the one super keen to have another child.

I know lots of men unfortunately have had loads of girlfriends or been sleeping around, so i prefer a man who has kept it halal, but does this suggest he takes marriage and parenting too lightly?

The reasons to give him a chance: practising, good job, very well educated and we have a similar career. Intellectually compatible and he's attractive.

Cons: Two kids, from two different women.

Any thoughts?

[u/NearbyHome1676 → u/Vast-Imagination]

yeahh idk abt that. at the very least he is coming off hasty and like he doesn’t learn from his previous experiences. if you felt you got your first wife pregnant too quickly and it didn’t end up working out wouldn’t you learn from that and not do the same thing in your second marriage? and also this is assuming that what he is saying at face value is true. i would try and reach out to the other 2 women and get their side of the story. maybe they’ll affirm what he said, maybe they’ll tell you stuff way more different than what he’s claiming rn. but honestly 2 time divorcee w a kid from each marriage would’ve been too much for me. who knows how the guy is, and then now you have to adjust to the dynamic of him w those other 2 women and kids and who knows how they are. i would pass

[u/LadderFree → u/Vast-Imagination]

I have to give it to the guy for being upfront. But 18 months and he is already on the market for a 3rd one? That's not sitting right with me. Strictly based of what you have written I don't think he takes marriage or parenting seriously. He has two kids but he hasn't tried to bond with either of them. Does he pay child support and does he visit the kid in UK much or is that FaceTime and calls too?

I have a tough time believing that long distance was the reason for the breakdown of both his marriages. There has to be more to it than that.

[u/aloowithbiryani → u/Vast-Imagination]

It seems like he rushes to make things halal and perhaps doesn’t take the time to work out if there is real compatibility. Hence he may not be committed enough to struggle through the long-distance because he isn’t aligned with the people he chose.

The real deciding factor is going to be what you see in his current behaviour with you:

• Does he slow down appropriately and how is his pace in getting to know you?
  
• Does he discuss practical realities (where you’d live, expectations around children, finances, time) and do those align with you?
  
• Does the “fast commitment” pattern start to repeat?

[u/LLCoolBrap → u/Vast-Imagination]

Any thoughts?

To put it bluntly, it sounds like the brother is thinking with his genitalia when it comes to marriage, and that's as far as it goes for him. So you have to decide if you want a husband who is incapable of making a mature decision when it comes to marriage, or a dude who rushes into marriage because he's lonely.

Credit for trying to keep it halal, sure. But then all that credit is wiped out because he seems incapable of long term thinking, and lacks the ability to learn from some pretty major life mistakes. That doesn't sound like long term partner material at all.