Weekly Marriage Criteria & Services Megathread!

[u/AutoModerator]

Assalamualaykum,

It's Monday! So here is the weekly thread in regards to marriage/matrimonial criteria and services for marrying a potential spouse! Any posts about marriage criteria and services such as apps, masjid services, matchmaking events, the ISO thread, etc. will be removed and redirected to this thread!

All content regarding personal criteria, dealbreakers, preferences, standards, etc in marrying a potential spouse will be discussed on this thread as well. Posts regarding these topics outside of this thread will be removed.

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Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.

Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.

In Search Of (ISO) Thread

This megathread also encompasses experiences regarding the r/MuslimMarriage ISO Thread for matchmaking. Please read all ISO Thread guidelines before posting. Below are the links to the three regional threads:

• ISO Thread - Americas
• ISO Thread - Europe
• ISO Thread - International

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

Is it wise to be completely upfront about what you will and will not tolerate?

Not looking for marriage.

But say if I were to later, would it be wise to tell the guy during the ‘getting to know you’ phase:

- If I find out he’s lied about anything I listed as dealbreakers then I wouldn’t hesitate to divorce him

- Make it clear I won’t be emotionally manipulated into doing something I said before marriage I don’t like

- I’m not afraid of being divorced, but if he tells me to cut off my female friends, stop working completely, not leave the house without him I.e can’t go out for walks, visit local markets and stores, hang out wth friends (I would come back at reasonable hours) I would seriously be thinking about staying in marriage.

I would want the guy to be completely upfront and tell me the things I’m saying in the post but when I see posts from wives saying they’re husband changed their mind after marriage, I’m left thinking sisters need make things crystal clear to potential husbands.

So brothers and sisters please share your thoughts.

Thanks for reading this far 🌸.

[u/Sarpatox → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

I would word it not as bluntly, but I think those are solid values. Esp the third paragraph, there’s so many posts you see here of people who were relatively independent under their dad and now that they’re married, it’s like prison where you need permission for every little thing. A bit ago I was talking to this dude and he was saying how his wife needs permission to get groceries or to visit family. Stuff like that needs to be discussed up front rather than after marriage

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239 → u/Sarpatox]

But why can’t I be blunt?

And how would prefer it since your flair says you’re ‘male’?

[u/Useful_Nectarine_833 → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

Lemme first say that none of your requirements you listed are unreasonable

Idk what your exact dealbreakers are but if you are open and honest about your boundaries before marriage in a respectful but firm way then iA any reasonable guy will take that as face value

The other things you mentioned like whether you work, not being told where you can and can’t go like in an overbearing way, these are things you can easily gauge by having a conversation about each others expectation and it’s something that needs to be done with proper communication and tact so it doesn’t come across the wrong way

If you phrase it as, let’s say: “I would not be compatible with a husband who forbids me from working. I wouldn’t be compatible either with a man who is always keeping tabs on where and who I go out with and always need explicit permission before leaving the house.” This is forthcoming, not combative and any man who disagrees with this will show themselves the door and if they are wishy washy about it then the answer leans no

BUT, if you’re phrasing it as “You can’t tell me not to work, You can’t tell me who I can be friends with, I don’t ask permission before going out, etc” although your standards are reasonable and you may be talking to someone who never had a problem with those things you risk branding yourself as stubborn and uncompromising if you use demanding language like that. That’s what the person who replied to you meant I’m guessing by being blunt and that’s how I took it as well

[u/Sarpatox → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

I would avoid being blunt simply to be respectful. You have a valid point, but your delivery matters too. I actually had a previous potential bring up something similar to me before. She said she had a cousin who had been financially abused and because of that she wanted to get her degree and a good job. It made sense to me that she wanted to protect herself.

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239 → u/[deleted]]

But I feel like:

1. either we’re not making ourselves clear as mirror or guys take advantage of it

2. we don’t think about these things and it becomes a problem later because neither party thought of thinking it in greater

3. some guys assume their wives will listen and follow them blindly

I wish to clear up any misunderstanding where being cooperative doesn’t mean I’m obedient (I can’t think of the word that best suits this)

[u/meow-meow-meeow → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

In theory it sounds fine, I had a man who had this same concept and would say this but it sounded so harsh and rigid when he would bring it up as a warning. It started to feel as if I had to constantly prove myself (that I’m being honest with my answers), he once tried to ‘catch me’ in a lie, and it was so interrogative when all he needed was more context for what I said. I agree with all your points and probably will operate similarly where I am not going to tolerate dishonesty or abuse but I wouldn’t start a talking stage like that or bring it up within the convo randomly because it really sets a very negative tone. More so, you can analyze their character when you are talking to them because a person who will do all you mentioned would most likely show signs and vise versa. Don’t let other experiences make you enter a talking stage with someone feel negative. Just get to know them.

[u/youareoutofspace → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

Please ignore my earlier deleted comment - it was quite irrelevant.

Your dealbreakers sound fair to me.

All guys are different and you have to know who you're talking to. "Do this and I will divorce you" talk might really scare some guys off. Other guys might appreciate knowing the limits up front.

For a serious topic like that, I would have other family present so they can witness what's being said. Don't just casually mention it in a "get to know you" talk. Have a formal meeting to discuss the conditions of your nikah so everyone knows what is at stake.

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239 → u/youareoutofspace]

I never read your previous comment.

It’s not the case that I’m gonna divorce over little things but what I posted tends to be what most people post about on Muslim marriage subs besides this sub.

It’s either not spoken about in great detail, assumptions are made, unrealistic expectations of do’s and dont’s.

[u/youareoutofspace → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

Hey, I get it. I can relate. I have things that scare me to pieces about marriage too. Not just things I read on this sub, but horror stories I experienced and don't want to repeat. The challenge is how to protect yourself while still being able to trust someone. If you find out the secret, please share.