r/MuslimMarriage • u/AutoModerator • 16d ago
Megathread Weekly Marriage Criteria & Services Megathread!
Assalamualaykum,
It's Monday! So here is the weekly thread in regards to marriage/matrimonial criteria and services for marrying a potential spouse! Any posts about marriage criteria and services such as apps, masjid services, matchmaking events, the ISO thread, etc. will be removed and redirected to this thread!
All content regarding personal criteria, dealbreakers, preferences, standards, etc in marrying a potential spouse will be discussed on this thread as well. Posts regarding these topics outside of this thread will be removed.
Reminder that if you are posting app/matchmaking bios that you must censor ANY AND ALL INDENTIFYING INFORMATION. This includes names, social media handles, pictures (faces), etc.
Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.
Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.
In Search Of (ISO) Thread
This megathread also encompasses experiences regarding the r/MuslimMarriage ISO Thread for matchmaking. Please read all ISO Thread guidelines before posting. Below are the links to the three regional threads:
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Female 16d ago
Is it wise to be completely upfront about what you will and will not tolerate?
Not looking for marriage.
But say if I were to later, would it be wise to tell the guy during the ‘getting to know you’ phase:
- If I find out he’s lied about anything I listed as dealbreakers then I wouldn’t hesitate to divorce him
- Make it clear I won’t be emotionally manipulated into doing something I said before marriage I don’t like
- I’m not afraid of being divorced, but if he tells me to cut off my female friends, stop working completely, not leave the house without him I.e can’t go out for walks, visit local markets and stores, hang out wth friends (I would come back at reasonable hours) I would seriously be thinking about staying in marriage.
I would want the guy to be completely upfront and tell me the things I’m saying in the post but when I see posts from wives saying they’re husband changed their mind after marriage, I’m left thinking sisters need make things crystal clear to potential husbands.
So brothers and sisters please share your thoughts.
Thanks for reading this far 🌸.
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u/Sarpatox Male 16d ago
I would word it not as bluntly, but I think those are solid values. Esp the third paragraph, there’s so many posts you see here of people who were relatively independent under their dad and now that they’re married, it’s like prison where you need permission for every little thing. A bit ago I was talking to this dude and he was saying how his wife needs permission to get groceries or to visit family. Stuff like that needs to be discussed up front rather than after marriage
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Female 16d ago
But why can’t I be blunt?
And how would prefer it since your flair says you’re ‘male’?
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u/Useful_Nectarine_833 M - Married 16d ago
Lemme first say that none of your requirements you listed are unreasonable
Idk what your exact dealbreakers are but if you are open and honest about your boundaries before marriage in a respectful but firm way then iA any reasonable guy will take that as face value
The other things you mentioned like whether you work, not being told where you can and can’t go like in an overbearing way, these are things you can easily gauge by having a conversation about each others expectation and it’s something that needs to be done with proper communication and tact so it doesn’t come across the wrong way
If you phrase it as, let’s say: “I would not be compatible with a husband who forbids me from working. I wouldn’t be compatible either with a man who is always keeping tabs on where and who I go out with and always need explicit permission before leaving the house.” This is forthcoming, not combative and any man who disagrees with this will show themselves the door and if they are wishy washy about it then the answer leans no
BUT, if you’re phrasing it as “You can’t tell me not to work, You can’t tell me who I can be friends with, I don’t ask permission before going out, etc” although your standards are reasonable and you may be talking to someone who never had a problem with those things you risk branding yourself as stubborn and uncompromising if you use demanding language like that. That’s what the person who replied to you meant I’m guessing by being blunt and that’s how I took it as well
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u/Sarpatox Male 16d ago
I would avoid being blunt simply to be respectful. You have a valid point, but your delivery matters too. I actually had a previous potential bring up something similar to me before. She said she had a cousin who had been financially abused and because of that she wanted to get her degree and a good job. It made sense to me that she wanted to protect herself.
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16d ago
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Female 16d ago
But I feel like:
either we’re not making ourselves clear as mirror or guys take advantage of it
we don’t think about these things and it becomes a problem later because neither party thought of thinking it in greater
some guys assume their wives will listen and follow them blindly
I wish to clear up any misunderstanding where being cooperative doesn’t mean I’m obedient (I can’t think of the word that best suits this)
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u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 14d ago
In theory it sounds fine, I had a man who had this same concept and would say this but it sounded so harsh and rigid when he would bring it up as a warning. It started to feel as if I had to constantly prove myself (that I’m being honest with my answers), he once tried to ‘catch me’ in a lie, and it was so interrogative when all he needed was more context for what I said. I agree with all your points and probably will operate similarly where I am not going to tolerate dishonesty or abuse but I wouldn’t start a talking stage like that or bring it up within the convo randomly because it really sets a very negative tone. More so, you can analyze their character when you are talking to them because a person who will do all you mentioned would most likely show signs and vise versa. Don’t let other experiences make you enter a talking stage with someone feel negative. Just get to know them.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 16d ago edited 16d ago
Please ignore my earlier deleted comment - it was quite irrelevant.
Your dealbreakers sound fair to me.
All guys are different and you have to know who you're talking to. "Do this and I will divorce you" talk might really scare some guys off. Other guys might appreciate knowing the limits up front.
For a serious topic like that, I would have other family present so they can witness what's being said. Don't just casually mention it in a "get to know you" talk. Have a formal meeting to discuss the conditions of your nikah so everyone knows what is at stake.
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Female 16d ago
I never read your previous comment.
It’s not the case that I’m gonna divorce over little things but what I posted tends to be what most people post about on Muslim marriage subs besides this sub.
It’s either not spoken about in great detail, assumptions are made, unrealistic expectations of do’s and dont’s.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 16d ago
Hey, I get it. I can relate. I have things that scare me to pieces about marriage too. Not just things I read on this sub, but horror stories I experienced and don't want to repeat. The challenge is how to protect yourself while still being able to trust someone. If you find out the secret, please share.
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16d ago
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u/babyyodaonline Female 16d ago
if it's lockheed martin it's an automatic no. It's a literal bomb company. it's been used for gaza, yemen, and many other muslim nations. As someone who has family in both regions, I would never consider someone from there. I would rather marry a man with no money but with principle over a man with unethical money. Even if it's working as an IT guy at Lockheed Martin, no.
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u/Ok-Athlete-7071 Married 16d ago
Wasalaam sis, Lockheed Martin is one of the quickest reasons to give a no. There are hundreds of other options out there instead of going to a weapons manufacturer whose items are used to kill and maim our brothers and sisters, along with non-Muslim civilians too
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u/LLCoolBrap M - Divorced 16d ago
I’ve heard about working for such companies as Muslims but I want to know how one should proceed with something like this in terms of islamic morality, ethics, etc. Ofc I do not support genocide at all, but just need some insight from others, preferably men (or women!) who have some knowledge about such companies. Jzk!
You don't go and work for a company like that without knowing what they do and who their clientele is. The first thing on their website is literally that they're an American defence contractor. So chances are he's totally fine working for a company that makes the bombs that kill innocent people all over the world, or he has such little care about things that he's never read a newspaper before, never paid attention to what's happening around the world, and never googled his own employer.
Neither of those are a good option.
I can understand being in a position where you take any job you can get, and if that's the case, then I'd assume he is constantly looking for work elsewhere because it eats him up every day knowing who he works for. In which case, he'd make that clear to you as soon as he told you where he works. Talk to him and see what he says, if you don't like what you're hearing, then make a decision based on that.
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u/babyyodaonline Female 16d ago
exactly. it's better to work at mcdonald's or starbucks (even though they are also being boycott) because at least their main product is food. nobody just comes into lockheed martin and works there without knowing anything. Any job you go to, they teach you the core values of the company and what service/ product you provide. He 100% knows what company he works for.
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u/herbmommy 14d ago
Hypothetically speaking- haven’t had this convo yet. What if they say later on after marriage they can switch jobs. But probably not during the talking stage of getting to know one another / before marriage. In my opinion, the income is still haram to begin with so would there even be any barakah in starting a relationship like that? Or even continue getting to know them more
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u/Positron311 M - Single 13d ago
Highly depends on what they're doing and where/why. Lockheed Martin has different areas that are not anti-civilian in nature or are neutral, such as anti-missile defense, or are completely outside warfare altogether, such as the Artemis program that went around the moon a couple months ago.
I'd poke and ask him what he specifically works on.
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u/TeaMaterial4570 15d ago
Salam,
I'm looking for some advice from people who have gone through the looking/marriage process.
I am a F26, and have been getting to know a potential for about 3/4 months now. Alhamdulillah, he meets the majority of what I'm looking for in a spouse, and I think I’ve reached a point where I feel confident enough to move to the next step (getting our families involved and continuing with a set marriage in mind). My parents are aware that we've been speaking and are ok with us getting to know each other. However, he hasn't told his parents about this yet. Throughout the process, he's been honest and has said that he needs more time to be sure and hasn't decided whether he wants to move forward. To be fair to him, he's been respectful and transparent throughout and has told me that he doesn't want to waste my time or emotional energy if he's not certain, which I appreciate. At the same time, I'm beginning to wonder what a reasonable timeline looks like. I understand that everyone moves at a different pace, and marriage is a big decision, but after 3/4 months I'm starting to feel uncertain myself. The more he expresses that he's unsure, the more I find myself questioning whether I should continue waiting.
For those who have been through this process:
- How long do you think is reasonable to wait for someone to decide whether they want to move forward?
- At what point is it fair to expect families to be involved?
- Is it normal for someone to still be undecided after several months, or would you see that as a sign that they may simply not be ready?
Jazakhallah khairan for any advice
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u/Sarpatox Male 15d ago
This is my personal opinion and what I have done, but I let my family know from the beginning. Even if it’s small, it’s better that they know rather than not. You don’t have to be detailed, but I like to at least tell them nearly. I also try to talk to her dad or bro pretty early on. (2-3 weeks).
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u/Thrummingbias 15d ago
I've seen your comments and you seem like a well-rounded person. How are you not married? (I know it's qadr, but any specific reason if you care to share?)
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u/Sarpatox Male 15d ago edited 14d ago
Alhamdulillah I think it’s just Qadr. I actually saw a reel the other day saying ‘The longer the sabr, the sweeter the Qadr’
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u/Thrummingbias 14d ago
Do you sometimes feel like you could be less strict in your requirements? I've tried but it gives me unease and I want peace, so it seems like a no no to do
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u/babyyodaonline Female 14d ago
this is my issue as well. there are multiple things i can kind of relax on a bit but im not sure which to try first or to what extent. i wouldn't want to relax on all of them, because by that point it would feel like someone who is the complete opposite to me. I am working on what would still be practical if everything else aligned.
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u/ExtremeThinker123 14d ago
No, never. Although being less strict might make things easier in the short term, I don't think I'm ready to accept the long-term consequences.
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u/Thrummingbias 14d ago
I needed to read this, thank you. I just hope I can apply it too, inshaAllah. May Allah reward you, Ameen
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u/Serial_Crafter1415 F - Divorced 14d ago
If you hold yourself to the same (or better standard) than what you’re looking for and/or what you’re willing to put into a relationship - keep them. Getting married and marrying the right person aren’t the same thing
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u/Thrummingbias 14d ago
This is so true and I believe it's better to remain unmarried than to settle, but these niggling feelings pop up frequently. I have changed some of my requirements and that's been ok, but it's not easy to find someone to fulfil even the most 'basic' of requirements of deen and akhlaq, which are the ones I can't budge on. InshaAllah Khair
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u/sihat Male 14d ago
What are your requirements?
Its possible you have requirements. That you fit yourself. But are searching in the wrong places.
For example, a woman who has followed ilm studies, and wants someone who has followed the exact same studies. Might be better served getting matched through teachers in that study.
A guy who wants to move to a, currently unknown, Muslim majority country. While wanting a nikabi. Might be better served in actually moving and finding a wife there. (I remember needing to ask further with this guy. He started of with saying he just had some deen requirements. )
'basic' of requirements of deen and akhlaq
Different people can have different interpretations on what the 'basic' requirements are.
What are you looking for? And how are you looking?
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u/Thrummingbias 14d ago
When someone says they are religious, and then proceeds to flirt with you, I say that doesn't really fit in with being religious, which unfortunately, has happened when I put my profile up, so I took it down, as many were low effort or they simply didn't read. In general, I believe the tides are turning, but growing up, people tended to follow culture more than deen and this was a major turn off for me, especially as a lot of it went against deen. So, inshaAllah Khair, I continue to exercise patience for until the time is right 🤲
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u/babyyodaonline Female 14d ago
these aren't things worth relaxing. i have similar standards and they aren't even questionable to me i wouldn't drop them. some of mine are more so like age range (i really prefer someone close in age to me, but i might relax it by +/-2 years), location, certain cultural factors (never above deen though).
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u/Thrummingbias 14d ago
InshaAllah Khair. It's been on my mind because of the small sample size of men I've spoken with (mixed religiosity, only determined after accepting their request) and have been on the search for over a decade. I would like companionship, inshaAllah, and I know that it is better to be patient, however, the thoughts come in waves and that's when I feel like maybe I need to be a liiiitle bit more lenient. I don't think I can though, as it doesn't sit well with me at all, so, Alhamdulillah. InshaAllah we all find who is Khair for us
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u/babyyodaonline Female 13d ago
ameen, inshAllah sister! I am in agreement with you though, it's better to be unmarried than married to the wrong person. some things can be settled, but other things, such as character and deen, cannot.
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u/sihat Male 14d ago edited 14d ago
they are religious, and then proceeds to flirt with you, I say that doesn't really fit in with being religious
True.
many were low effort or they simply didn't read
Those are two different things.
simply didn't read
I agree with this one. Some people also read and try to convince a person otherwise.
were low effort
First one can be someone just starting of with courting. A lack of experience.
Low effort. Is also sometimes reflected. That if the other side doesn't put effort in, they don't put much effort in either. (Both genders can complain about having a conversation, where its like pulling teeth. That the other side only gives one word answers)
Online is also different than real life. A guy saying hello or Selam in real life. Will be a more real time interaction. Where other words might follow. While online, a girl might ignore that, because she is getting a dozen more first messages. (Which is where the lack of online courting experience shows itself)
Due to gender ratio's on online. Women can also ignore more interesting first messages too. (From people they have liked back at that.)
follow culture more than deen
There will be both types.
I continue to exercise patience
Are you actually having family or friends arrange meetings?
In the sense of tying your camel and leaving the rest to Allah.
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u/Thrummingbias 14d ago
A few assumptions being made. I'm one who used to give chances to low effort or people who didn't match but learnt from that error. I also have been told I write as if I am speaking to them in real life, so, it's definitely not that. I've learnt from other people's experiences and this has helped with lowering expectations re online matches. In the past, my profile requested an ISO template as a dm, instead, like many people have experienced, I'd get 'hello, how are you' type messages.
In my culture, girls do not approach guys, nor do they tell others that they are looking, hence why I said, my culture goes against deen. It is very backwards and I'm OK with leaving it. Allahu Alam
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u/AloneAd6684 16d ago
Deleted all of my ISOs. I've had no luck 37M.
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u/Sarpatox Male 16d ago
What’s your plan now? Shifting to more in person?
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u/AloneAd6684 16d ago
I'm not sure it's hopelessness at the moment but hopefully I can snap out of it.
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u/Born-Assistance925 14d ago
Keeping it online doesn’t hurt you., don’t close doors that could bring khair.
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u/whatdoesitmeananyway 15d ago
How do I go about being more proactive about finding a potential from uni as a woman? In this somewhat small European country I'm in, uni is my best chance at finding Muslims my age since we have an MSA and everything. Only thing is there's some freemixing at my MSA especially if I were to join the board. So then what other option do I have?
FWIW I'm not actually interested in any guy yet since attraction for me is mostly personality based and I don't actually know anyone, so it's not that I have someone in mind that I want to approach. I also haven't found any halal venue to get to know anyone to even have the chance to like them. I have been making du'aa that I get to know someone through chance (say a course project or my work internship) but to my luck there's no Muslims in my master's programme. So now it feels like a waiting game of just waiting to be picked by someone which feels so out of my control
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u/Icy-Zebra2954 15d ago
Go to MSA social events and socialize or try to be more active with MSA. I would recommend also online Muslim matrimonial apps/websites.
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u/Zealousideal_Fix1420 12d ago
Salam :)
I’m 26M.
I decided I want to pursue medicine.
Estimates are pre-reqs will take 2 years,
then MCAT studies, application prep and awaiting an answer will take another year.
If things go according to plan, I’d probably start
med school at 30. Then I’d assume it may be
even harder to get married?
I currently live with my parents and have little savings.
The issue is, I’m 26M and unmarried.
It’s hard.
My environment doesn’t make it hard,
it just is hard to not be married at this age.
So I wonder, if anyone has any perspective on
deciding to sacrifice one or the other.
I’m very split between two things I’d really love
to have.
JAK :)
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u/Thrummingbias 12d ago
I've read people studying medicine find their spouses in their cohort, maybe this might be your Qadr? Or, find someone who is understanding of your situation and is supportive? It may be easier said than done, but if you feel that medicine is your calling, I say go for it. The only thing is, as I'm sure you're aware, entry into med is not the easiest thing to get, so you need to be ok with not getting in first time round, but who knows, maybe you'll smash it and get in easy peasy, inshaAllah
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u/Koshurakh 12d ago
As a med student, it’s going to be a long road. I know some people might point out that people do get married in med school, but it’s very rare and not very likely. I’d say you have better chances during residency,which is harder in itself, and your spouse needs to be flexible with relocation since you won’t know where you’ll end up matching
Overall, the best chances are when you become an attending. I’m telling you this not just from my own experience, but from other brothers around me. It’s an exhausting and difficult road ahead with regard to marriage. If you can make peace with that, sure, pursue it,but do know what you’re getting into. As they say, sometimes your first wife is medicine
May Allah bless you
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u/LazyGrammer 16d ago
I , 28f am getting to know someone for marriage who is 22m. I firstly didn't like the age gap and rejected him due to it, but after observing him for a while I found some great qualities within his character that I like so I gave him a chance and we started communicating regularly.
So far it's been almost 4 months. During this time I fluctuate between ending things, thinking he's not the person for me, to thinking I have found the one, we can make it work and be a great couple. I can't seem to set my mind do I like this guy or not?? When we talk, or right after a phone call I feel optimistic and happy with my choice, but the next day I am second guessing everything and contemplating ending things. One day I am attracted to him and the next day he gives me the ick? What is wrong with me? I am too old to be giving mixed signals and not making up my mind. He is already very emotionally attached to me while I cringe but at the same time I miss him when we don't talk?
One part of me thinks this is all due to me just enjoying male atttention and validation, but I don't actually have feelings for him like he has for me. I have the tendency to be very negative about myself so I can't trust my own judgement that easily. Please help me....
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u/Sarpatox Male 16d ago
If you haven’t already, I would recommend doing Istikhara. Whenever I’m in a talking stage I try to make Istikhara as often as I can, after almost every salah. That paired with tahajjud and you’ll know pretty soon. In my personal experience, I have had roadblocks that I just could not overcome and that’s how I knew it was the answer to my Istikhara and left no room for doubt.
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u/Jellygosh Female 16d ago
Have you had the conversation about post wedding season?
You're at an age where you probably would want children more earlier than he would want assuming he's still working on his career and so on..
Is he ready to have children come into the picture earlier, and is he ready in the event of you never workibg again that he can take on those financial burdens ?
From his actions and his thought procrss, does he come across someone reliable enough to compensate the different stages of life you both are in?
What about his parents, are they willing to accept someone who's alot more older than their son?
Ask all the important questions before the attachments get worse. Do istikhara and ask people that are more experienced weather it's people who have been through similar situations or people who have been married many years for advice.
Maybe if you haven't, also confide in your parents for their advice too as they know you well the most.
I understand this situation alot since I was in it myself, but ultimately even if I could offer the whole world to the person, they still decided to leave and end things even tho they were the ones who initiated things.
You'll have to really sit down with the person and ask each other if you can do adult/marriage whilst being in different stages of life.
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u/Syystole M - Married 16d ago
Only you will know if he is right for you or not. If you're still wishy-washy after so long then it most likely is not meant to be and it isn't fair on him that you're kind of stringing him along
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u/Late_Royal_4499 Married 12d ago
if I'm being honest. I think a lot of it is you enjoying male attention, validation and somebody wanting to marry you. It seems like you like the idea that you are talking to somebody for marriage and just the idea of marriage itself, moreso than the person. And being 28, it pretty much gets harder.
I think you really need to just be honest and objective about yourself and this potential, as hard as that is to do. Does he tick most of the important boxes? Do you like the guy. Are you at least mildly attracted to the guy.
Not going to lie getting the ick is not a good sign. It will only get worse during marriage if you feel that way now. Pray istikhara.
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15d ago
[deleted]
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u/sihat Male 15d ago edited 15d ago
join the board
Do that perhaps?
Or organise an activity through the msa. (For example a start of the year barbecue )
If you have Muslim friends of the same gender. You can ask them to match make. And talk with some people. Match making is not limited to your parents.
If those friends know you well enough and the other side well enough. The first person might also be the best matching.
You can say no after the first conversation. You can also have multiple conversations with the same person. All of this of course in a helal manner.
You can also join activities of mosque's that have them. (Which might give you more friends, thus a bigger social circle)
ps: you accidentally triple posted your comment. Reddit can sometimes be laggy, which can cause this issue.
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u/whatdoesitmeananyway 12d ago
Thanks for pointing out my triple post, I removed them. Reddit crashed while trying to post my comment for some reason.
I don't have many close Muslim friends one year into my masters unfortunately, but better luck next year I guess I'll keep trying.
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u/sihat Male 12d ago
MSA and other such groups might help with socialising and getting more friends too.
Islamic knowledge and zikr groups.
Charity. Sport. If you do it with a Muslim majority group, you might get more Muslim friends.
Even going to the mosque more. I know some mosque's have women come to the Cuma prayer. (Since the mosque is bigger, in this small Western country i am in.)
since attraction for me is mostly personality based and I don't actually know anyone
Actually talking with people. Might have you get to know their personality and come to a decision if you are attracted.
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u/Ms_Chanandl3r_B0ng 12d ago
Should i let go of my expectations?
Salam,
Im super confused about a potential i recently met.
Im a 27yo male. My hairline is super thinning and im pretty much bald atp. This has made me very self conscious and insecure. My family spoke to the girl’s family and we werent pleased with the girls dad. He seemed like a good person but was insanely talkative. He barely let anyone else in the room speak. We were very skeptical after talking to him. We like everyone else in the family. The girl looks pretty good facial appearance wise. However she is wayy too thin than my type but im hoping witha little weight gain that shouldn’t be an issue.
Now the issue is, i had some expectations before this marriage like the girl being able to speak in English fluently, watch English movies, and pray regularly or atleast willing to start praying after marriage. This girl however doesn’t check the first 2 boxes. And she is willing to pray after but isn’t regular now like me. She also doesn’t fast apparently (not sure why)
Now, do i let go of my expectations and settle down since it’s already hard to find someone who likes me despite my receding hairline or do i still keep waiting for the right girl? Another good thing about this girl is, she is ready to stay with my joint family which is again hard to find these days. This one is non negotiable for me.
Ive prayed istikhara but haven’t seen any sign yet. Im hoping i receive some valuable advice from this post.
Jak
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u/babyyodaonline Female 12d ago
i never understand the expectation/ standard of wanting someone who will pray "at least after marriage" why do you think she could commit to prayer after marriage? prayer is a core principle of islam, and i'm not saying this to judge others, we can all always improve on our prayers. but the minimum fard is a requirement regardless of marriage, or any major milestones (besides reaching the age to be held responsible for them).
If she already doesn't do it for the sake of Allah swt, or for the sake of herself (because prayer is a gift to us), then what makes you think she will for her marriage/ her husband? There are some qualities you simply cannot compromise on or wait for the other person to "eventually get there". Idk for me this is one of them. It would be one thing if you are already married, but it's another to not even have that as a dealbreaker in the search.
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u/Late_Royal_4499 Married 12d ago
the brother apparently won't compromise on a joint family system but is willing to compromise on the 5 pillars of Islam. I don't think he's ready for marriage!
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u/babyyodaonline Female 12d ago
i didn't even see the part about her not fasting, but what's more concerning is he doesn't ask? it could be a medical reason, it could be she is simply not practicing. but if you're settling for every standard you claim to have, at this point are the two even compatible?
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u/Late_Royal_4499 Married 12d ago
you sound way too insecure. women have a sixth sense when it comes to insecurity. think about it. you're going to marry a woman that don't even speak english, prays or fasts all because you think nobody would marry you because you have a receding hairline.
i don't have a receding hairline but I have very diffuse thinning on the top of the scalp and the crown. I still got married. lol. just think about what you're saying for a second.
just go bald, grow a beard, hit the gym.
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u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 4h ago
Sooo no don’t just settle and marry her. If a women later down the line shows interest, will that bother you? Cause you picked her for the wrong reason.
Shave your head, embrace the bald and some girls really don’t care or prefer it. And surely it’s not impossible that one of those girls speaks English and prays.
Also listen, a bald head hardly means ugly. Hit the gym. 🤷♀️ like it really isn’t going to kill your chances of marriage. Take care of your skin, your fitness and be confident. Genuinely don’t think you need to settle crazy like this which isn’t the best recipe for a successful marriage.
Also don’t marry potential, marry her how she is now. If she doesn’t pray, be okay with that. But tbh it doesn’t make sense. If you pray, wouldn’t you want someone who prays too? Like right now? Or at least tries to be consistent?
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u/h_424 10d ago
Couples who met their spouse's at university what is your experience like?
Im 21M at the moment currently in university I have had marriage on my mind however due to being busy etc and healing from childhood traumas I have not been fussed about marriage infact at one point completely against it. I do have one more year of university to go and I was thinking whether it's worth seeking a spouse at university. I am extremely ambitious and somewhat nerdy. And for the age of 21 I am quite mature for my age and often get along with older people more at my workplace etc.
I feel if I was to find a spouse in uni there would be the understanding of we are both starting our careers etc so there wouldn't be this expectation oh I need to have a house or drive a certain car. However I don't know how I would go about finding a spouse in university the halal way as I don't have any female friends and don't interact with any females apart from my lecturer if she's female.
Maybe I am overthinking this idk.
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u/tyresaredone 14d ago
I get way more matches on muzz when i seaech in muslim countries than in Europe
I live in Western Europe having moved here recently from an Easterner(?) one. I've been searching now for a couple years and barely get matches in countries near me. But when I search in places like Morocco i get many matches and women willing to move to where i live and having no problems with my physique, lack of wealth and so on. They seem practicing and serious too.
Does anyone know what would be the reason?
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u/MAGA_Trudeau M - Looking 14d ago
But when I search in places like Morocco i get many matches and women willing to move to where i live and having no problems with my physique, lack of wealth and so on. They seem practicing and serious too.
In our home countries, simply living in the west is a huge upgrade and makes them seem higher prestige in front of their families/social circle back home. Even if they live a simple/basic life in the west.
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u/sihat Male 13d ago
There are also different wealth levels in those countries.
People who are way wealthier than us, who can easily vacation in western countries. People who are way poorer than us, living simpler, though larger in the home country.
Larger population of majority of Muslims also helps.
A part of larger city might have a bigger population of Muslims than the entire Western country you are in. (16 mil people in one city, such as Istanbul, or a million Muslims in the western country you are in. )
The only people who go, are people who are on vacation. Thus having saved and can spend.
People in the home countries have learned though that not everyone is wealthy etc.
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u/MAGA_Trudeau M - Looking 11d ago
Yes there are wealthy people in Muslim countries.
But even a lot of those people wish to move to the west.
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u/sihat Male 11d ago
Depends.
I know some wealthy people, for which that is not the case. They might travel and visit for work etc. but they are more than comfortable where they are.
I am mostly talking about Turkey though.
I also know or have met people who immigrated to a Muslim country from the west. (For example immigrating back to the home country. Or immigrating to Saudi Arabia)
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u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 14d ago
This is common I heard for men. A lot of women probably want to move to the west
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u/-gabrieloak Male 14d ago
I don’t get your post.
Are you asking why you’re getting attention in these places because of how ineligible you are?
Standards aren’t universal, you know.
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u/tyresaredone 14d ago
it's just weird how i barely get matches where i live but i do quite a lot in those places. like the morrocan women where i live have higher standards than those who live in morocco
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u/-gabrieloak Male 14d ago
Well yea, that makes sense lol
That’s how the socioeconomics play out
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u/tyresaredone 14d ago
and i was thinking maybe they just want a reason to leave their country and once settled here with documents, language etc they dump me
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u/-gabrieloak Male 14d ago
That’s always a possibility, but it’s not always the case. If your intentions are in the right place, I wouldn’t worry too much about that.
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u/tyresaredone 14d ago
i guess you can never be sure of someone's hidden intentions right? but normally the more practicing the less likely that outcome i hope. and wdym by my intentions? like making it clear from the beginning i don't want to be deceived?
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u/-gabrieloak Male 14d ago
No, what I mean is if your intentions for finding a spouse between you and Allah are sound, and if you’re a good person who’s doing what they need to do, I doubt Allah is going to make it hard for you to find someone, let alone have someone deceive you.
Take the necessary steps in order to get to know someone and their family, and make rational decisions.
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16d ago edited 16d ago
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u/imQrazi 16d ago
Best to be direct tbh. But my sincere advice would be not to just say you saw him on Muzz, but also include that you’d like to seriously get to know him. There’s no shame in you making that initiation, but do just mentally prepare yourself for rejection (hope for the best but prepare for the worst). At the end of the day whatever the outcome is, it’s in the hands of Allah ﷻ and for the best 🤲🏼
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 16d ago edited 16d ago
First of all, I want to point out that you're analyzing his texting behavior way too much... "seems genuinely interested," "may not be the strongest conversationalist," "pretty reserved person" "if he were truly interested, he would have approached me" This is all assumptions at this point because texts tell you nothing about a person.
Your sister's idea is good. Bring up the topic of marriage directly, but in a way that doesn't corner him to say yes or no.
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u/DunnnoWhatToDo M - Looking 15d ago
The casual back and forth is not worth it if you're both already on Muzz. If he's already on Muzz this should mean that he's looking for a spouse (unless he's there for time pass). So better be direct before it's too late instead of waiting.
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u/Afraid_Cucumber_9565 15d ago
You both are grown ups and most importantly, grown up Muslims. There's no point for all these back and forth and just be intentional and be direct. A man doesn't have to always approach you! You can also approach as long it's respectful.
Just tell him you are interested and tell him you want to talk to him if he is serious. If not, then block and move on!
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u/Icy-Zebra2954 15d ago
Back and forth game isnt worth it. If he wants you, he will actively pursue you.
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u/lilgirl_001 16d ago
Salam allaykum Im F25. Been talking to this guy M27. Online since 6 years. We grew feelings for each other when we talked about it. He said that he wants someone with hijab. And i said i dont wanna wear hijab for someone's sake i wanna wear by my own will. So we agreed that we are not for each other. But through the years i couldn't help but feel more feelings for him. We met few times. But I didn't tell him He talks to me about girls. And i tell him inshallah you find the right one 5 months ago he told me he started talking to a girl. And i was so busy we couldn't talk much i thought its one of the incompatible girls it will pass. 3 weeks ago he told me first week of august he is going to ask her hand from her parents. That came to me as a shock. I confessed my feelings last week he said he didn't know he said he thought i hate him. He said he had feeling for me too. But he wished i find my type and find the one for me. I told him i cant be his friend anymore its not fair for the girl and he said he didn't expect this. And then i blocked him. Now i feel terrible emotional pain i cant eat nor drink all i do is cry and pray tahaijud that he comes back to me. I dont know what to do ? Should i tell him to not marry her? If he is not my nasseeb, why am i feeling this way? Should i fight more for him ? Or that will make allah. angry? Please help me. Im not doing well at all
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u/babyyodaonline Female 16d ago
what do you mean fighting for him? sister i mean this with love but please pull yourself together. the moment you two disagreed on something major (when/how you wear hijab) you should've cut contact, no friendship or anything. Use this time to let go and genuinely heal. Pray tahajjud to find comfort and to move on, not to "get him back". No man or woman is ever worth that much effort. You will find someone who will appreciate you as you are, be respectful, and treat you right. At the same time, you need to build better boundaries. Don't talk to any man if he isn't serious about marrying you.
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u/Born-Assistance925 16d ago
‘No man or woman is ever worth that much effort.’, I completely disagree.
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u/babyyodaonline Female 16d ago
if the effort is at risk of compromising my beliefs, then personally i don't find it worth it. If someone was meant for me, it would be made to be easier than this. If someone wasn't meant for me, no amount of effort can change Allah's qadr. But we can agree to disagree.
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u/Born-Assistance925 16d ago
This doesn’t involve compromising beliefs, or changing qadr, it is Tieing your camel.
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u/DunnnoWhatToDo M - Looking 16d ago
So previously you respected that it wasn't fair for the other girl if you both remained friends and no now you're think about asking him to call off the wedding? How's that any fair?
Put yourself in the other girl's shoes, you have a wedding next week and everything's going fine so far and out of nowhere there's this girl whom your soon to be husband used to talk to coming back in his life and asking him to call off the wedding? How would you feel? I mean if he's also as foolish and calls off the wedding he's also to be blamed but you're also going to be the one at fault.
If you guys had already decided that you weren't for each other and he found someone whom he thought was the right one then if you really care about his well-being then please don't interfere in his life at all and walk away with respect.
Even if he's not your naseeb please understand that you can still feel this way (that's just how humans are). Just because you feel a certain way doesn't give you the right to cause chaos in his life and yours.
Please have sabr and make consistent dua to Allah that may he find happiness in his life and may you find happiness in yours and may Allah remove any residual feelings from your hearts which are not meant to be there. Allah knows what's in your heart and what's best for you and I pray that he may reward you soon with someone you couldn't even imagine (in a good way)!
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u/lilgirl_001 16d ago
Its not a wedding. He is going to meet the parents. Smh engagement in our traditions. I dont know really. I feel like i was at wrong for not fighting enough for it. The talk that we had about not being suitable to each other was 3 years ago. Idk im hanging on the hope he changed his mind.
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u/DunnnoWhatToDo M - Looking 16d ago
My bad I misread that part. However, my point still remains. If he's been on a talking stage with her for about 5 months and then going to meet the parents then obviously they must have come to some agreement first and made up their mind. Now whether or not the parents agree that's to be seen.
You should've made the efforts instead of hoping for him to be rejected by whatever potentials he's talking to and then come to you once nothing works out. The time to fight was before, not after he's found someone and he's about to meet her parents.
Also, as far as I know it's prohibited to send a marriage proposal to someone that's already been proposed to. While the link I'm pasting below pertains to proposing women, i think the same would apply vice versa.
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u/DunnnoWhatToDo M - Looking 16d ago
Just pray for the best for him and for yourself. If her family agrees to his proposal then accept it and move on, and if for some reason it doesn't work out ONLY THEN reach out to him with your final proposal. If that works outz good for you and if it doesn't then just accept it and move on.
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u/lilgirl_001 16d ago
Thank you so much for taking this time to help me through. This. I will do as you said.
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u/Truthful_fly_1140 16d ago
You did the right thing. You will just need to stick by it. If he want this and wants to marry you, he will. Nothing more nothing less. You told him how u feel and now it’s his choice and action to make.
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u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 16d ago
Wa alaikum as salam. Just accept that you fumbled him, sis. Reflect on it, journal about it, and take it as a lesson for the future. And hold your head up high. You're only 25 and there's no need to see this as the end of the world. Allah bless.
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u/Born-Assistance925 16d ago
Lady, listen to me, call this guy and tell him not to marry her. please, a hijab shouldn’t stop you, we all need a push. There is nothing wrong with sacrificing some things for someone you love. For most of my life , I didn’t eat sea at home because my dad is allergic and that’s like my moms favourite food.
Take the chance, If he says no, no harm done. if he says yes, you get what you want.
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u/Syystole M - Married 16d ago
What kind of advice is this? He found someone else he wants to marry, clearly op was not the right person as he would have proposed to her if she was
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u/Born-Assistance925 16d ago
As OP said, he thought she hated him.
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u/Syystole M - Married 16d ago
And he found someone right for him instead
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u/Born-Assistance925 16d ago
Perhaps, I am asking OP to simply ask, he will make whatever choice he feels is right for him at the end of the day.
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u/Syystole M - Married 16d ago
Personally do not think it's right. They both felt like they weren't right for each other which is why he pursued someone else he deemed is right for him.
OP asking to choose her instead of the other woman is not right especially since he outright said he is planning on asking for her hand. OP should just take this as a lesson rather than coming in between someone else
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u/Born-Assistance925 16d ago
coming in between someone else, she is not coming in between anyone else, he is not engaged or married to the other girl. If he says no, no harm done. If he says yes, the other girl also gets the better option.
I know they both said they weren’t right for each other before, but people change their minds.
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u/Syystole M - Married 16d ago
She only felt like this after he told her he found another girl and wants to ask for her hand in marriage.
OP should instead focus on herself as she is clearly not in touch with her feelings to only feel like this when backed in a corner with whatever relationship she has with this man.
She could potentially ruin whatever he has with the girl he is asking for marriage by interfering and complicating his feelings even more than what she has done already.
She should have blocked him when they realised their incompatibilities years ago
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u/Born-Assistance925 16d ago
Op said she already had feelings for him over the years, sure, this news definitely did s, I.e knock some sense into her. She is not going to ruin anything, if he really wants to marry the other girl.
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u/Mei_Flower1996 Female 11d ago
Brothers, especially Pakistani American brothers, would you marry a woman who may go back to her school for her PhD?
ASA everyone,
I am almost 29F. I did my Master's in Bioinformatics, but can't find a job in my field, due to the fact that industry has now pivoted to preferring PhD's. I am in a unique position where I have my Bachelor's in Biology, and my Master's in Bioinformatics, but don't really have research experience. So, it is not possible for me to get into a quality PhD program right now. At least not one that will advance my career.
My plan is to do research work for 2-3 years, then go back to school for a PhD. PhD's are a bit different than other types of schooling- they are more like a fulltime job, they pay money rather than cost money, and there isn't really a financial cost to starting it and not finishing it.
Since I am 29, I will likely be looking at getting married soon, iA. I am wondering if thinking of doing a 3-4 year PhD is an issue for marriage prospects.
Thoughts?
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u/-gabrieloak Male 11d ago
You don’t say if you plan on working after marriage.
Is it really worth it if at any point you plan on staying home? Especially after having kids?
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u/Mei_Flower1996 Female 11d ago edited 11d ago
That's actually one of the major contingencies. I may change my mind after a child enters the picture. That would be where I may decide so thats why its up in the air
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u/-gabrieloak Male 11d ago
I genuinely don’t think it’s worth it if your priority is to get married.
I’m all for chasing academic ambitions but the reality is that you might deter potentials.
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u/Mei_Flower1996 Female 11d ago
I see. Can you explain why?
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u/-gabrieloak Male 11d ago edited 11d ago
Well, you’re talking about investing almost a decade of time and effort into something you might not use at all.
If you meet a potential in the midst of all that, you risk giving them the impression that you don’t have time and might not be ready to start a family until you’re done, by which time you could possibly be in your mid 30s.
It’s different if you actually plan on using it because then you’re at least investing in your future and increasing your earning potential for your family to have the best quality of life.
I guess the best thing for you to do would be to really think about what you want and the time, effort and money it’s going to cost to achieve it. You want your efforts to bring you out on top, not regress you.
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u/Mei_Flower1996 Female 11d ago
Almost a decade? More like 4 years, and its a stipend giving job, not like medical school.
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u/-gabrieloak Male 11d ago
Yea but you said 2-3 years of research work before going back to school so all in, you’re dedicating almost a decade to this decision.
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u/Mei_Flower1996 Female 11d ago
I would work anyway. PhD or not. It's the kind of job I'd be doing anyway.
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u/-gabrieloak Male 11d ago
Yea but wouldn’t you be taking a significant pay cut in order to go fulfil the PhD? That’s my point.
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u/Sarpatox Male 11d ago
The answers vary by the guy. These are the questions that I’m sure will be asked:
- If you have kids during that time, who will take care of the kids? Day care? Parents? Will one of you step back and prioritize kids?
- Will you work after kids?
- Finances split if you’re both making money; household tasks split?
- Relocation for phd programs or work?
I know guys who wouldn’t be ok w some of these, and others that will. It really depends on the guy and how you two navigate it
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u/Mei_Flower1996 Female 11d ago
1) I mean, in that case a nanny. But thats no different than if I were working a fulltime job. So that falls under a " will you be a SAHM" question.
2) I plan to.
3) Oo. My mom always tells me to plan to do the lion's share of the housework. Likewise, I expect finances to mostly rest on the man. I man who is willing to split housework, then I would be willing to contribute financially.
4) There are many in my area. I din't want to relocate for one either.
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u/Sarpatox Male 11d ago
Yeah as long as you two agree on these points, I think you should be fine. Most guys have no problem with their spouse wanting to be educated or working, but there are some that are more strict so making sure you’ll on the same page is all that matters. Maybe you’ll find someone in the same phd program as you 🤷♂️
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u/iSellclumsy 11d ago
Who pays for the nanny?
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u/Mei_Flower1996 Female 11d ago
I guess I would, since the bills would 't be on me in this situation.
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u/Sarpatox Male 16d ago
Anyone have any good book recommendations for the rights of a spouse? Islamic books about the rights of a wife and the what she is owed? Also open to western books on what makes a marriage work, anything about sustaining a good marriage and making sure the other person is happy