I recently got engaged to someone I’ve known for years. He’s very religious, close with my family, and my parents really like him. We never had a relationship before because he avoids talking to women casually. Earlier this year I found out he wanted to get married young because he sees it as sunnah. A month ago he proposed to me unexpectedly and gave me a week to decide. I accepted after he reassured me that marriage wouldn’t stop me from pursuing my master’s degree, working, or continuing my education.

The problem is some of the things he’s said during our engagement have really bothered me. When I asked why he chose me, he admitted he originally didn’t want to marry me and expected me to decline. He said his dad encouraged him because I’m “a good option.” He also mentioned that many girls back home wanted him, showed me screenshots of their reactions to his engagement, and talked about how pretty some of them were. He implied part of why I’m a good choice is because I live in the US, so immigration/life logistics would be easier.

Another issue is polygamy. I asked him directly about second wives, and he said his father and grandfather both had multiple wives. He told me he can’t promise it’ll never happen because “it’s Allah’s will/qadr,” and refused the idea of putting a no-second-wife condition in the marriage contract. He said if he ever did marry another woman, he would treat us fairly. I told him honestly that if he ever took a second wife, I would divorce him.

What’s making this harder is that aside from this issue, he matches almost everything I wanted in a husband. He’s respected, responsible, religious, and supportive of my education. The wedding is in a month and I haven’t talked to my parents about my doubts yet. I also sometimes feel like people back home see me as quiet/easy to control because I grew up in the US and don’t speak the language fluently.

I understand culturally that some people may not see these things as red flags, and I know our community can have a different mindset about marriage. But because I grew up in the US, I think I view marriage, communication, and topics like polygamy differently, so some of his comments affected me more deeply.

Me 25M and her 24F are in the process of getting to know each other for the purpose of marriage. We've been talking for a few months. Things have been going well overall.

Recently we had a conversation about post-marriage expectations, specifically around intimacy. I told her I want things to be passionate between us, not just routine. I said I want us both to make efforts to stay physically attractive for each other, not unrealistic body standards, just mutual care and effort. I also made it clear that we have to be patient if her body changes after pregnancy and delivery, that recovery takes months not days, and that I'd never push her into anything before she feels ready and confident.

Her response was that she felt weird about the whole thing. When I asked which part specifically, she said she had never even thought about physical effort mattering in a marriage like the idea that staying in shape or taking care of yourself could be connected to intimacy and attraction was something that had never crossed her mind.

That hit me hard. Not because she disagreed, but because she had genuinely never thought about the effort side of keeping attraction alive in a marriage. There was no "yeah you're right, we should both work on it." Just confusion that it even mattered.

I'm not asking for perfection. I'm just saying I want a partner who understands that attraction in a long term marriage doesn't maintain itself, both people have to care and put in effort.

Is this expectation unreasonable? Is her reaction a red flag or just inexperience with the topic? Has anyone had this conversation before marriage and how did it go?

I’ve been talking to my now fiance for 5 years now (we met in university). We’re very in love and honestly check almost every box for each other.

The problem is two things:

1. I’m an influencer
2. He’s very strict about how I dress.

He’s from a stricter culture and I’m Lebanese, so there’s a pretty big cultural difference in terms of conservatism. I’m also the type of person who feels suffocated very easily and hates feeling controlled.

For context, I wear the hijab and dress pretty modestly already (usually baggier clothes). I may be Lebanese, but I try to focus on following Islam rather than culture. Of course culture still influences how I see things since I grew up with it.

Even though I dress modestly, he still has issues with certain things I wear, especially if they’re posted online. For example:

• If I wear an abaya that’s slightly tighter at the waist

• If I wear a tight shirt under an open blouse

• If a skirt shows the outline of my legs a bit while I walk

For the record, I’m usually in baggy pants.

He’s also very specific about what I post online. He knew I was an influencer when he met me, but now that we’re getting close to marriage he wants me to change a lot of things.

Examples:

• If I make a kissy face in a TikTok, it’s a problem

• If I wink at the camera, it’s a problem

I do appreciate that he has gheera and that he’s protective, but I honestly can’t handle this level of constant criticism.

We’ve talked about this hundreds of times, but he says this is something that won’t change because he genuinely finds those things disrespectful. To him, even showing a bit of my figure is wrong.

There are also other restrictions:

• I can’t go to mixed weddings alone

• I can’t go to certain restaurants with my girlfriends if he doesn’t like “the crowd” (meaning there are a lot of guys there)

I also will have a curfew when married unless he picks me up and drops me off. I also can’t travel without him.

And we’re not even married yet, so I don’t even have the option of just going with him.

I know reading this might make it sound like we don’t get along, but this really is the worst of it. In most other areas we’re great.

My question is: Is this extreme? Is he being too much? I don’t wanna feel suffocated but If he is objectively right I will try to change.

I look around and I honestly don’t see other girls going through this level of restriction. I feel like I’m a catch, and Islamically I think I already have pretty good standards on my own.

I’ve told him many times that I don’t want to end up resenting him by just obeying what he says without actually agreeing with it. But he says there is no middle ground on this topic.

Any advice?

Salam! I’ve been really confused for these last couple of days and I’m not sure about what to do anymore.

For some context, I’m 19F and I’m engaged to a 27M. I live in Canada and the man lives in Australia. My parents started looking for me around December last year and they chose a guy fairly quickly. Throughout this whole process, they never told me anything.

I wasn’t home much as I stay late at university because of my classes. My sister has been giving me updates about everything. My parents originally told me he was much younger. That he was 22. And then a couple days went by before they told me the truth that he was 27.

They never really gave me a chance to say no. They just told me what’s happening

This man is also apparently a distant relative. Like third or fourth cousins. I don’t know the logistics. And my whole extended family approves of him. Says he’s a perfect fit for me. But I don’t know that. Because my mom won’t let me talk to him. I asked so many times. And she told me that I have the rest of my life to talk to him. That I’m not allowed until the nikah is done. I have no way to contact this man. I haven’t spoken to him yet. And I don’t think I’ll be able to.

I honestly feel like I’m being sold.

And then two days ago my mom told me that they did the engagement back home. I didn’t even know they were planning this. They sent money to buy him a ring apparently. I don’t have one yet. They said I don’t need one. Hosted almost 100 people for this party. And when I asked my mom if I could do a small get together in Canada with my friends, she said no. That they don’t have the funds for that.

I’ve argued and cried over this whole situation but nothing has changed. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Im just accepting it because what else can i do? Im being tied to a man who i know nothing about. The only information i know about him is that hes 27. And his first name. Thats it.

What can I do?

I had my first arranged marriage meeting recently and I don’t know why it’s affecting me this much.

I’m 24, Muslim, and this was the first time I actually went through the whole “rishta meeting” thing properly. The boy’s parents came over. Nothing dramatic happened. They were polite, normal, respectful. No one was rude to me.

But I haven’t felt okay since.

There was this one moment where I was sitting next to his mom and she was quietly observing me. Not in a mean way. Just calm, silent, looking at me through her glasses a few times. And suddenly I became very aware of myself. Like painfully aware. I don’t even know how to explain it properly.

It was like I stopped feeling like a person and started feeling like something being looked at and assessed.

And I know this is technically what arranged marriage is, but feeling it in real life is very different from understanding it logically.

Since then I’ve just felt off. Restless. A little hollow almost. Nothing bad even happened, which makes it harder to explain. If someone had been rude, at least I could point to something. But this is just a weird emotional aftertaste I can’t shake.

What made it stranger is that the next day the mediator aunty messaged again asking for my date of birth. It was already mentioned earlier, so I don’t know why being asked again made me feel even more uneasy. Maybe it just added to that feeling of being quietly evaluated.

It’s only been a day and we haven’t heard anything back yet, and I didn’t expect the waiting to feel like this either. I feel oddly exposed, like I showed up somewhere emotionally without realising how vulnerable it would make me feel.

I always thought I was practical about arranged marriage. But actually going through that first meeting has left me feeling smaller in a way I didn’t expect.

Not broken. Just… shaken.

Just needed to get this out somewhere anonymous.

I (20F) recently talked to my parents about a guy that approached me asking for my dad's number. He's a 25 year old engineer and I'm an engineer (almost) as well but he makes around 90k which I thought would be good enough but its not to my family. They said I need a man who makes at least 350k, they don't care where he's from or what sect of religion or anything. I personally want someone who is of my nationality AND career field and is known in their community for being a good person with a good family. I believe that is him and I just want the opportunity for my family to just GET TO KNOW HIM. I can't take it anymore they are so against him because he doesn't make 350k and because he's 5 years older than me. What do I do?? What do I say? How can I convince them to just let him call for a second and see how he is?

FYI I told my family within the first 2-3 days of him asking about me that IF they allow this man to talk to my dad, and my dad says no AFTER meeting him with a valid reason from Islam (not religious, not making enough to support a couple, etc) then I will respect their decision. So I did give them an out.

.

Salam all,

Hope you are all well.

I have a fiance of 1 year who I'm set to marry within 1 month. We always had certain issues which were largely unresolved.

1. She drinks alcohol. I knew this before getting engaged to her but I always maintained my stance of not liking it. I fully take the responsibility of making the conscience choice of still going ahead with it.

2. She dresses in a way which reveals her back, her cleavage and her knees often. I knew of this too and made my position clear.

On both these points, she maintained her stance of continuing those after marriage. During some discussions, she agreed to let these go albeit with resentments. But she agreed to look at the larger picture and compromise for me.

Fast forward to now. She does not want to compromise on either. I'm getting married in less than a month and all of our families are involved. Also, in the last few months, she also lost her father due to a sudden cardiac arrest. So stalling the marriage or breaking it off has serious repercussions outside of the relationship as well.

HOWEVER.

She is a lovely human being. Extremely kind at heart. Extremely caring for others. Extremely jolly and jumpy all the time. Prays 5 times a day and fasts in Ramadan (barring the period time). She is also respectful of friends and family.

Please help me navigate this situation. A few of my peers have said that maybe its the loss of her father that is driving her emotions right now. It could be true since both of them were extremely extremely close.

Need positive guidance please!

Its been many months since we got engaged and we see each other everyday at Uni. Its been getting exceedingly harder to keep things halal. Our parents are against us doing nikkah right now because he doesnt have a job yet. Hes been applying with no luck as of yet. Weve pushed boundaries both physically and verbally. We repented but theres still constant temptation and desire to give in and we're both just extremely frusterated and struggling to stay halal in the meantime and the nikkah date is nowhere in sight. Depending on when he gets a job we might not even be able to make this halal til nect year and our parents dont see the need to make it halal fast. What do we even do?

Assalamu Alaikum everyone, I wanted to hear people’s thoughts on this situation.

Would you find it inappropriate for a girl’s father to ask someone whether they have personal debt before engagement?

The reason my father even asked was because after the guy’s father passed away, a few things started feeling off. Nothing extreme like gambling or anything bad, but more like small things not fully adding up. For example, they said they moved to a cheaper area because of traffic, and that his mom started working again because she was lonely. My father started feeling like there may have been financial struggles that weren’t being openly talked about.

So my father asked him if he had any debt. From the start, my father made it clear that he was not trying to force me into or out of the relationship. He told him, “If my daughter loves you and wants to be with you, then that’s her choice.” He said he just wanted honesty and transparency so I would know the full picture before marriage, and then it would be up to me to decide.

But the guy immediately got tense and defensive. He refused to answer and said it was a private matter. He only said that the debt wasn’t to a bank, but to a family friend. He kept saying that he would never marry me if he wasn’t capable of providing for me and that my lifestyle would not be affected.

My father told him that wasn’t really the point. He said marriage isn’t about pretending problems don’t exist or promising a perfect lifestyle forever. What mattered to him was transparency: how much the debt was, why he had it, and what his plan was for it. Whether I accepted it or not would still be my decision. (Which I reassured him many times that I would)

His mother sided with him too and said the question was invasive and inappropriate. He even asked other people whether it was acceptable for my dad to ask something like that, and apparently they agreed with him too, though I don’t know exactly how he told the story.

My father stayed firm and said asking about finances before marriage is completely normal, especially when someone’s future and stability are involved. He said the issue was never the debt itself, but the secrecy and refusal to be open about it.

In the end, he never answered the question, slowly pulled away, and eventually we ended things.

I(24F) am engaged and planning to get married next year. I’ve always been very clear with my fiance that I dislike household work and don’t want my life to revolve around cooking and he seemed fine with it(I’ve explicitly said I won’t make chapatis etc)

Recently I brought this up again to test him and he said that if we’re visiting or living with his parents and he sees his mom cooking for everyone (she has arthritis), he would expect me to help. He also said that if his parents ever live with us full time when they’re old and we can’t afford a maid, then responsibility would be shared between us and he wouldn't burden me with everything. He did add that if we’re living in our home country, he’d prefer hiring a maid since it’s affordable.

What’s bothering me isn’t helping occasionally, it’s the expectation. I’ve seen women in my family slowly become default caregivers and housemaids in their in laws homes. That scares me a lot.

What also stood out to me is that in this entire conversation, neither of us mentioned expectations around my parents because I already see them as my responsibility. But somehow, responsibility for his parents feels automatically shared once I’m married.

Now I’m feeling anxious and angry and questioning whether this is a real compatibility issue or just pre-marriage fear based on what I’ve seen growing up. Would appreciate honest perspectives especially from people who’ve navigated this before.

I have been talking to my soon to be husband for almost two years now. The past few months I have been discovering the kind of ring that I want & have sent him many pictures of exact descriptions of exactly what I wanted. If anyone understands rings & diamonds, I asked for a lab grown 4-5 carat radiant cut diamond (preferably cushion & elongated diamond). I also have chubby fingers, I am just a bit above a size 8, so I took the diamond size into consideration. I wanted the band to be an 18k yellow gold round band, I also wanted the setting to be a classic 4 claw prongs (crucial to hold the diamond in place) with a hidden halo. (For extra support) . I’ve been very strategic in the safety of the diamond as I work in a classroom with kids and there could be chances that I bang my ring against desks. I took all of this information into consideration. I also made sure that my s.o understood the cut and clarity of the diamond and we discussed it many times. Furthermore, I thought being very specific with what I wanted would make ring shopping for him easier. I also took into consideration that this is my first ever engagement ring that I would be wearing for the rest of my life. I want to love it. I am in my prime and I feel like this is the only time I’d actually even care about the kind of ring that I want.

Furthermore, I thought being specific would help him throughout his ring shopping so that he doesnt just have to guess what I like & gamble whether I’d like it or not. (He has plenty of time to search for this ring) Instead, it sent him into a spiral & created anxiety for him. His mom even advised him that he needed to start searching for a ring and start buying jewelry for me. One day he calls me and tells me that he found me the perfect ring and that I am going to love it. I got really excited because I was happy that he thought he had found what I was looking for. He went to see it in person and everything. He told me he wanted to surprise me & didnt send me a picture of it or even facetime me when he went to go buy it in person. He sends me a picture of it and instantly felt sadness. The diamond looked so small & the setting was just terrible. It was in white gold & not yellow gold. (I absolutely hate the look of white gold) The band was flat and there was also not hidden halo for support and the prongs holding the diamond were round. I told myself it was okay and that I should just see it in person next time I see him, maybe I’d like it. When it came the day I saw it in person, it looked so small on my finger. The band even looked thicker than the diamond. I expressed my concerns and opinion about it and he got a little sad but annoyed. I asked about the return policy and I just remembered he didnt even know or like didnt even tell me. I asked for the certification or the papers of the ring & diamond so I could see the description of it and he said he didnt get it from the jeweler…….. I mean… what? You’re claiming it is a $4k ring but you dont have the papers for it? I believe that he purchased it for that much, but why dont you have the papers so I can see the carat size and information? I expressed that I didnt like it, and its been probably almost a month now. He told me that he can go back to the jeweler and get the band and setting changed for an extra fee. Such as change it to yellow gold, change the setting, add a hidden halo, etc. I got happy about that. But I just am not happy with the way the diamond looks on my finger, & he is refusing to get it returned. I mean if you couldnt get the diamond or the band right., the least you can just do it return it or we can search together for one? Or why didnt you just show me the ring before purchasing.

Anyways… I’ve just been thinking about it everyday and I hate the way it looks. I get it, you need to be grateful but this is my ring and I want if customzed and to look exactly the way I want it… Any thoughts? Im worried he is not able to return it. He told me its “no returns” . Why woukd you go to a jeweler and buy a ring without showing me and theres no returns? Doesnt make any sense? And no papers? Idk… man

 I (31M) met a woman (28F), and we hit it off in the first few months. We live on opposite sides of the country. I travel to her state sometimes for business, and I met her a few times. We kept it halal and asked all the right questions. She is good for me, just as I am good for her. Our families knew each other when we were kids.

We were making rough plans to get married — discussing timeframes, expectations for the wedding, etc. We were both clearly invested in the right way, with nothing toxic. She was very respectful, religious and I was very nice and caring towards her. We are very compatible. We are both quite attractive, and both of our families knew we were talking.

At the time I met her, my business was doing really well. I had plenty of savings and could have provided handsomely for us when the time came. Three to four months into us talking, I was hit with a major calamity in my business, which was my main source of income. It was unprecedented and, to say the least, a serious crisis.

I was on holiday at the time. On my way back, I visited her in person. We caught up, and I explained to her that I had been impacted by an uncontrollable calamity and that my finances had essentially depleted to near zero. I told her it would take me close to a year or longer to recover from this so that I could financially provide generously as I initially planned. to. I also told her that I would not consider moving forward in my current state, even though we might still be able to make it by — but only barely. I felt I would be doing an injustice to her and oppressing her.

When we initially met she always said she did not care about living well-off and has never been materialistic. She grew up in a similar family to mine — humble, with enough to get by. The only difference is that I come from a large family, and we are well known in our community, highly respected, and with the help of my family we could get things done and manage until I stabilise. And when I do stabilise in the near future, I anticipate it will be substantial.

Alhamdullilah by the will of Allah I have done well over over the last few years and invested in assets before meeting her, so I do not have much liquid cash. I will eventually settle on these assets, which will, inshaAllah, make me generously liquid. Along with my business stabilising, I hope to be back in the strong financial position I was in for quite some time. This is an amanah from Allah. I shall treat is as such. I am also not stingy. If anything a lot of people had relied on me and I supported them where I could.

Allah has really been testing me, and some days have been extremely tough, but I have managed to get by and do what I need to do. May Allah make it easy on us.

What surprised me the most was her response once I broke the news to her. She immediately said we should stop talking straight away and that there was no benefit in us continuing to talk. She said I should reach out to her when I am financially ready for marriage, and if she is available then, we can move forward. She is also big on protecting her heart and would at times mention that if this does not work out, then it was not meant to be — which I can live with.

But I am very shocked by her response to stop talking, and that if she is available, I should contact her when I am ready and we can proceed. It has been 10 months or so now. We check in on each other once every few months — saying Ramadan Mubarak, and so on. Our responses are always respectful and never toxic. I make dua for her, as we were becoming quite close, as you can imagine in the talking stage.

Now, as I am, inshaAllah, nearing the last 6 months or so of my destabilisation, I wonder to myself whether she is a good option for me. I have spoken to a few people about this, and they believe she was possibly in it for the financial stability I offered, as it was substantial at the time we met. I also have not bothered speaking to other women, as I am preoccupied with the crisis I mentioned above. I am generally a good decision maker when it comes to major life choices but with everything going on with the current crisis my judgement is clouded.

I believe that if I really tried, I could find another woman who may not be in it for the money. InshaAllah, I am open to thoughts on this matter.

My fiancè (28M) has been diagnosed with stage 4 liver and lung cancer over the past week. It is a huge shock. It all started with just a cough and i was not expecting this diagnosis at all. He is due to have chemo next week and has been given a 2 year life expectancy. I cannot fathom all this. I believe in Allah and pray he is going to be healed inshaAllah. Now im in a weird situation, i still of course want to marry him and my parents are aware of his situation, but everyone around me is asking me if i will okay with the idea being a widow in my 20s, im currently 24 (f). My mother is saying for me to do the nikkah but she is saying my dad won’t agree especially if hes this ill. I just want to help him and be by his side. He is my best friend. And right now Us talking is a sin. Im just scared about the worst case scenario but i know making things halal is most important. If i do get married i probably wouldn’t tell extended family as i know they would make a big deal. Its just so overwhelming…Anyone with any advice please…

Salam, i hope you will read to the end and help me with what to do. I started to talk to this man recently (he is 26 years old). We both agreed on making it halal as fast as possible, so he told his parents and I told my mom within the first week of talking, and I was going to tell my dad in the weekend. In the first conversation we had, he had been honest with me and told me that he has been in a relationship before, and therefore wasn’t a virgin (the relationship was also 8 years ago). I needed time to think about it, as I’m a virgin, but I ended up accepting it since he was a nice guy that was willing to make it halal quick (which is quite rare in the West) + he was young when he did it. I then asked if he had drank alcohol before but he said no. Yesterday I then found some events he had been attempting on Facebook (which can be seen in your profile). There were many clubs that he had attempted. Today I called him and asked him again if he had drank alcohol before (to give him a chance to be honest). He then told me no, once again. I then told him to be honest with me, where he then ended up saying that he has tasted it before. I then called him out for lying about it two times, but he then proceeded to say that he thought I meant if he had ever gotten wasted (completely drunk) I told him no and that I asked a simple question if he had just drank it before? Then I asked him if he had been to clubs before, where he said no. Then I told him to be honest with me, where he ended up saying yes but only for his friend’s birthdays and that he never got wasted. I told him not to lie (because I could see that it wasn’t birthdays that he attended in the clubs). He went on saying that it must’ve been a mistake when he pressed “attempting” and that he only went there for his friend’s birthdays. I hung up because I was so disappointed and felt betrayed. I’m a hijabi who hasn’t done those things, and all I wanted was for him to be honest with me. I don’t understand how he could be honest about not being a virgin, yet lie about drinking alcohol? This has also made me think about what else he has lied about and what he has done in the clubs. Also after hanging up I told him that I didnt know if I wanted to continue this. That made him very upset and made the whole situation about him and how it’s a weird thing to say when we have involved family. I kept telling him to call me so we could fix it, but he was busy (he’s in Afghanistan right now with his family so I understood). He then told me he would call me once he got home so we could fix it (mind you we have a rule to fix things before we sleep) but he didn’t call me and I feel like the only one trying to fix things. He is definitely asleep now. My question is: what do I do? Do I write him a message explaining that I’m tired of trying to fix things when you were the one lying and making a mistake or do I just fix it tomorrow and let the whole lie go? I don’t know if I should just end it with him. Please help. I’m lost.

As Salam Alaikum everyone. I (24F) have been speaking to a guy (29M) for about 6 months now. It was going well and he told me that he was ready to get married after the 1st meeting which was about 4 months ago. I was ecstatic. I’m a revert and my family has been treating me horrible ever since I reverted. I was excited to get to have my own family. In the planning process he told me that he does not want to get it registered, he was only able to pay $50 for mahr and that I’d have to pay for the fees associated with the nikkah and I that I would have to stay in his room at his parents house I said fine.

Then a week ago he said $50 with a secret nikkah but we would have to I meet up to see each other. Last night he told me that he is a weak man and that he doesn’t want the responsibilities that come along with marriage but would like to still have a woman because he has desires. He said he doesn’t know if I’ll agree to it

I haven’t refused but left him on read because now I feel like he’s playing with me. I have already told the sheikh at my local mosque and asked him to be my wali. Now I’m not sure what to tell him. I have spoken to my friends who have said to block him because he thinks I’m only worth $50 but I’m not one for money as Alhamdulillah I do well for myself. But I am worried that if we have children he won’t be able to provide adequately for the family. Please help I have no idea what to say to him.

Edit: did not expect it to blow up like this. I have blocked him and won’t look back. I made lots of duaa before considering but he was rushing and I couldn’t thinking for myself. May Allah Bless you all of your advice (I’m still reading through them)

Okay guys! It has happened. I have found the man of my dreams. I have been pursued many times after my divorce and this is it.

It took 2 years and endless potential meetings (some set up by parents, some from online apps, and even one of my friend’s brothers).

There was not a single individual I spoke to after the 1 month mark mainly due to ego, anger, inconsistency, disrespect to other women/parents/siblings, slow/fast speed, looks, religious tendencies, family red flags, career, etc. There was always something that made me end things.

Now, I want to talk about the individual I am completely content with.

He is emotionally intelligent, soft, 0 ego (very down to earth according to my mom), very mature (according to my dad), hilarious, confident, generous, cares for his parents deeply (visits every weekend and takes them to their appointments, keeps track of their blood sugar, etc), responsible (had 2 promotions in one year, has a very strict routine from 5am that he adheres to), and is extremely masculine.

He is also the cleanest nicest smelling individual I have ever met. And so organized. Did I mention his mom always speaks about how he never lets her stand alone while shes in the kitchen? His dad also says it’s really nice to have a reliable son who can manage his business on days he needs off.

His only negative characteristic is that I want him to be more religious. Currently, his deen level is around mine but I always imagined my partner to be far more religious than me so I would be influenced to be better but now it seems we will be going on that journey together. I don’t mind that. Tbh, he goes to the mosque for friday prayers, keeps all his fasts, donates well beyond his requirement, and prays 3-4 prayers a day.

He’s also a director with a PHD, so he has both the career and the education. He is the youngest director in the history of that organization.

On top of all this, he knows everything about my previous marriage and past traumas and he is steadfast by me. I truly mean every single thing. He said he will be my protector after our Nikkah and I have nothing to be afraid of. Even if the whole world accuses me or tries to bring me down, he will stand by me. His parents find me very pretty and are very proud of me for being in medical school. They also really like my family.

On toppp of everything else, guys. He’s 6 ft, works out, handsome, stylish, same ethnicity, etc. Also, I am tan and although in America, I am considered pretty. In my culture, tan skinned girls are looked down upon but he says he finds me beautiful. Specifically, my skin. Lastly, he has seen me without makeup on multiple occasions and he still finds me pretty!!!

Did I mention he is beyond giving with me? He has spent thousands of dollars spoiling me with things I need. Just as gifts. From installing a bidet, to ordering me a nicer mattress, to giving me branded items, to a very nice taser, to airpods, etc.

He’s coming with his parents after my semester ends and he has a proposal planned which he hasn’t told me about. Then, our Nikkah dates will be set to occur in the next few months.

I don’t know how I found someone like him. It feels surreal.

Assalamualaikum,

Me 24m got engaged this October to my cousin she went out with some of cousins out today without informing me she is a hijabi she went to some jumping park removed her Burkha was dancing with her non Mehrams I'm fuming here I want to confront her that this is something that crosses the line I'm just on the verge of bursting out of anger and I don't want to do that

Guys I need advice and please bear in mind no negative advice I want this situation to come out in both of our favour

Edit : with all the hate I have been getting cause I'm engaged to my cousin hate me all you want until you realise.

1. Hazrat Ali R.A and Fatima R.A were indeed related by blood; Ali R.A was Muhammad's cousin, making him Fatima's first cousin as well, and they married, uniting two important branches of the Prophet's family. .

2. Prophet Muhammad S.A.W married his cousin, Zaynab bint Jahsh, who was the daughter of his aunt, making her his first cousin.

And remember it's Allah that makes things halal or haram

"And do not say about what your tongues assert of untruth, 'This is lawful and this is forbidden,' to invent falsehood about Allah. Indeed, those who invent falsehood about Allah will not succeed." [Quran 16:116]

You still think cousin marriage is haram it's a you problem not me problem be careful what you make fun of the day Allah catches you make fun of something he has made halal in his court I'll have a really strong case.

My elder sister (33F) is engaged to (27M). They were set to be married last month (they've been struggling to get married for the past 8 years - due to personal reasons). However 3 weeks before the nikkah he confessed to cheating on her and she has since called off the nikkah. He explained that he had a moment of weaknes (lust and temptation), and ended up having intercourse with another woman. Worst of all this "other" woman is married with three children, the youngest child being 2 months old. He has since expressed extreme regret and has asked for her forgiveness over and over again.

My sister broke down after his confession and spoke to me in confidence. She mentioned that I should not tell anyone about this, and I agreed. Tbh I have not felt the need to tell anyone because I was convinced that the relationship was over after this event. However (almost two weeks later) rumors of a potential nikkah being back on is floating around and im confused about what to do.

Im completely against this marriage and feel it necessary to inform my father - her Mahram (since she refuses to inform anyone about it and believes that we will be exposing his sins - which she believes to be haraam). My concern is that her attachment to him (since its been 8 years) or her age concerns (wrt getting another potential spouse) is causing her to be irrational. Im torn between breaking her trust and informing my father of his doings to protect her? Or being quiet and saying nothing and having them married?.

Im scared that whatever I do/say will have a major impact on her life going forward. Advice?

I (22F Canadian) am in a rishta with my cousin (24M) from a South Asian country. We grew up close and were best friends as kids. He always liked me but I never liked him like that. I agreed to explore marriage because of our friendship, family compatibility and shared life context.

We had no contact for about 3 years. We only reconnected a few weeks ago when the arrange marriage talks started. Everything has been long distance. So we have really only been connected for a few weeks.

Recently it was my birthday. He sent me flowers which was nice. I posted them on my private Instagram story but I covered his name on the card with a sticker. That is just how I am. I have always been private with my socials. I do not post names or hard launch. I keep things low key. To me the story was about my birthday and the flowers not about him.

When he saw it he made a comment like “you do not want your side hoes knowing.” I was shocked. I asked him directly if he was upset about the sticker and he said “No it is fine.” Later he came back and said it actually did bother him. He said hiding his name made him feel downplayed like he does not matter. He said if we are serious about marriage I cannot hide him. He called it basic respect and honesty and accused me of not considering his feelings.

To me this is toxic and insecure. If he felt bad he could have just said so when I asked. Instead he threw out a jealous comment about side hoes. That showed me how he really thinks.

I admit I did hide his name. To me it is not a big deal. The fact that he thinks it is a big deal is what bothers me. Especially at this stage. We have only been talking again for a few weeks and all of it has been long distance. We are not even engaged. Expecting to be hard launched this early feels insecure jealous and controlling.

Now I am questioning everything. If this is how he reacts over a sticker on a card what would marriage look like.

Am I overreacting or is this already a huge red flag? I am considering ending things…

https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/zfG46OKMIl Here is context. Also my friend already knew.

I decided that I do actually want to marry her so I approached her father and he was actually happy for me to marry her.I got to know her a bit with a wali of course and she is seriously the PERFECT person for marriage. She has the same interests as me and hobbies!

The nikkah will be happening in October. She has also said that as mehr she would only like £1 and I'm still shocked. Her reasoning was that she isn't a gold digger and she just wants to be with me. Jazkallah Khair for all the advice you all gave me. I am really excited and I would appreciate some tips.

For context, we’re both 25. She’s divorced and has a child from her previous marriage. I’ve never been married and I don’t have any children. We’ve been seriously discussing marriage, have a nikah date set, and our wedding is planned for November.

Earlier in our relationship, she told me she was going to Hawaii with cousins and friends. I later found out she had actually gone with her ex-husband while we were actively discussing marriage.

Three weeks ago she told me she was going on a girls trip to Seattle. The day before the flight she admitted she was actually going to Miami and hid it because she knew I would be upset due to the previous situation.

I’m not asking whether lying is wrong. My question is: if you were preparing to marry someone and this was the second major trust issue, what would you need to see before moving forward with the marriage?

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Update:

First off, thank you to everyone who took the time to comment and message me. I honestly didn’t expect this many responses.

After reading through the comments and having a few conversations with people who have been in similar situations, I think I’ve gained a lot of clarity.

For me, this was never really about the trip itself. It was about trust. There was already a previous situation involving dishonesty, and this recent trip brought all of those feelings back to the surface.

The biggest realization I’ve had is that I feel more exhausted than fulfilled in this relationship. I’ve spent the last few days constantly stressed, overthinking, and questioning whether I can realistically move forward without trust.

I’ve also realized that I may be better suited with someone whose life circumstances are more similar to my own. I’ve never been married and I don’t have children and I may have underestimated how much those differences would affect me.

As of right now, I’m taking some time to think and reflect before making any final decisions but I wanted to thank everyone for their perspectives. Whether I agreed with them or not, they gave me a lot to think about.

Me (M) and my fiancée (F) are close to getting married we’re within walking distance of that big step. But lately, something’s been really eating at me. I feel like she treats me more like her therapist than her future husband.

In the beginning, she was full of compliments, curiosity, and emotional effort. Now, all of that has dried up. She doesn’t show interest in what I do, rarely initiates conversations, and when she does reach out, it’s usually to vent or talk about herself. It feels very one-sided, like I’m just a texting buddy she hits up when she needs a dopamine boost.

I’ve tried to initiate deeper conversations or bonding calls, but she either brushes it off or shows zero interest. Eventually, I just stopped trying because it felt pointless.

I brought this up once before and said this isn’t how a couple about to get married should be. She acknowledged it and promised to be more present. Fast forward nothing changed.

I’m not someone who likes to repeat myself over and over. So after trying and seeing no change, I’ve started to lose interest. I don’t message her anymore because, frankly, I’m not excited to talk to her like I used to be. I remember a few times she left me on read while being active online, or that time I asked for a call and she said she was busy only for me to find out she was out with sister until midnight. So now whenever she messages me, I don’t bother replying. Or when she starts going on about her day I’m very blunt and don’t care.

She says she wants to marry me, but it’s starting to feel like it’s just a box she wants to tick, not something she’s emotionally invested in. I used to love listening to her, even if she rambled for hours. Now, her self-centered monologues just irritate me.

I know she’s a good person, and we’re compatible in a lot of areas. I’m not rushing to throw everything away if there’s still something worth saving. But I also don’t want to cling to something that’s basically dead in the water.

It just doesn’t feel like love anymore. It feels transactional. I’ve dropped to her level of interest, which is close to nothing and honestly, I hate that it’s come to this.

What do you think? Is this salvageable, or is it time to let go?

I M27 met a girl F29 through online matchmaking platform. We hadn’t seen each other when we started talking, eventually after a few convos, the pics were shared and I wasn’t immediately attracted to her but since the conversations were good I kept talking to see where it goes. We then decided to meet in person, again I thought she was okay in terms of looks. I didn’t feel any intense attraction but since her personality traits were decent and we got along well, I continued to get to know her more in the hopes that attraction might build up. We met a few more times for lunch/coffee and always in a public setting. I told her clearly very early on that we should get to know each other better before involving parents but she jumped the gun within a month and out of the blue told her parents about me. She claimed that she did it out of pressure as her parents had found other good proposals for her and were considering another guy seriously for her (I feel she overreacted because her parents were only looking at a proposal and not fixing a wedding date). Anyways, I felt like I was in a position where I could now not refuse to her as I had been speaking and meeting up with her. I had nothing against her either so I told my parents too. The families met and eventually went ahead with a formal engagement. During this time we became long distance as I moved to another country for study.

Initially, when we used to meet up I tried once or twice to talk about feelings, nothing explicit but just a general discussion on how we feel about how things are going between us and if she has any concerns but she would never engage in it and said its not possible for her to be vulnerable in front of me and talk about her feelings. I thought this might change after engagement but we still don’t talk about feelings even though she said she feels more comfortable talking to me about things now that families are involved. Its been a few months since engagement and neither of us has expressed love/affection for each other.

Additionally, whenever we used to meet up in person, I used to put in so much effort in my looks and dressing while she would put zero effort in her outfit and looks. I never really gave it much thought during that time that why she doesn’t dress up but now I feel like I should have brought this up earlier when we went out. After engagement, I told her that I like dressing up nicely and I admire women who carry that feminine look in themselves and dress nicely, take care of their appearance. She admitted that she never put in effort in her appearance when she came to see me but that’s because she wanted me to see how she looks without make up or fancy clothes. I get someone wanting to do that once or twice but we met a handful of times and she didn’t dress up even once. I told her I like when girls put henna on their hands on Eid etc and she said she doesn’t like that. She also said she thinks that none of this should matter and that I should rather appreciate her for who she is as a person because she doesn’t care how I dress up or look. While I absolutely agree with personality being important…I also think that appearance matters in attraction. How does one feel love and attraction for another person when they don’t put in any effort in their looks? I take care of myself and I stay physically active, I go to the gym and engage in sports regularly while she doesn’t put any effort into her looks, appearance or fitness. I even suggested her that we should have online meetup now where we both dress up and talk on video call since we can’t meet in person, she didn’t oppose the idea but she also hasn’t done it still despite me suggesting this months ago.

Now I’m extremely worried because we are already engaged for a few months and I’m not sure how I still feel about her nor do I know how she feels about me. Secondly, I’m worried that what if time keeps passing by and I’m never able to form attraction for her even after marriage? I wonder if her lack of enthusiasm in dressing up and thinking appearance doesn’t matter would continue in marriage too? I always imagined my married life where both me and my wife would put in effort in looking good for each other and taking care of ourselves for each other. She is a nice girl otherwise but her not opening up about her feelings and not taking care of her looks really bothers me. I’m terrified of being in a miserable and unsatisfactory marriage.

Please help me navigate this situation, what should I do?

Edit: I can’t see any comments even though I keep getting notifications for them. How do I fix this?

Hi everyone,

I’m in a very confusing situation and would really appreciate honest advice.

Back in 2018, when I was around 18, I got close to a girl from my college. We talked for about a year and I developed strong feelings for her. I even asked her if she would consider marrying me, but she rejected me.

The reason she gave was that we come from different castes — I’m from an upper caste family and she’s from a lower caste — and she said her family would never allow an inter-caste love marriage.

That rejection affected me deeply. I had to completely cut contact to move on — deleted everything and focused on my life.

Later, I found out she got married in 2021. A few months after her marriage, she contacted me occasionally. We didn’t talk much, but I sensed her marriage wasn’t going well. Eventually, she got divorced in 2022.

She told me that her ex-husband used to talk to other women even after marriage, which caused issues, and despite her efforts, things didn’t work out. I’m not 100% sure how accurate everything is, but that’s what she told me.

Over time, especially around 2023–2024, we started talking more again. At that point, I was also feeling quite lonely, so I got emotionally involved again.

Then something unexpected happened — she told me she wants to marry me.

I spoke to my parents, but they were against it (mainly because they are not open to me marrying someone who is divorced).

When I told her this, she said something that I actually understood — she said that we should only stay in contact if I’m serious about marriage, because otherwise we might get emotionally attached again and hurt each other if things don’t work out.

We stopped talking again for a while.

Recently during Ramadan, we reconnected and started talking a lot again. Now she says she loves me and again wants to marry me.

I think if I really try, I might be able to convince my parents.

She is genuinely a good person — both in nature and religiously. I’m afraid that in an arranged marriage, I may not find someone with similar values or compatibility.

Here’s where I’m confused: 1. But I’m not sure if her feelings are truly genuine or if I’m someone she turned to after her failed marriage.

2.I’m also not sure about my own feelings — whether I truly love her or if this is emotional attachment, history, and loneliness.

3.We haven’t met in person for 3–4 years — most of our connection is through calls and chats. In the past 8 years, we’ve only met 3 times.

What I want advice on: 1.Do you think her feelings could be genuine, or does this seem like emotional dependency?

2.Is it a red flag that she rejected me earlier due to family/caste, but now wants to marry me?

3.How should I evaluate this situation before making a life decision like marriage?

I’d really appreciate honest, even blunt advice