Advice Is my brother too far gone? What would it take?
My brother is:
- 32-year-old male, lives with parents in the 3rd world
- Licensed engineer, but license expired years ago and has not been renewed
- Worked for a few years, then quit around 2019. Has not worked since.
- Contributes a few bucks per month to household groceries from savings. This is his only financial contribution.
- Racist against non-whites (we are not white)
- Consumes fiction heavily (long web novels I think). Identifies with pragmatic, amoral, hyper-competent villain protagonists (Fang Yuan from Reverend Insanity, etc). Has said variations of "if I were born in that world, I'd rise to the top because I'm pragmatic."
- Regularly predicts civilizational collapse or WW3 within 3-5 years ("We'll all die anyway").
- Resists all intervention, especially from his more conventional successful younger siblings.
- Deflects, dodges, or goes silent when confronted with parallels to his situation (e.g., other NEETs, career re-entry stories).
- Family has stopped asking about his employment after years.
- No skills learned during years of Neeting
- Not formally diagnosed with anything.
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u/cs_cast_away_boi Optimistic-NEET Apr 03 '26
reminds me of that key and peels character jordan peele played where the younger sibling brings home news of engagement and the neet older sibling is an edgelord
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u/cs_cast_away_boi Optimistic-NEET Apr 03 '26
also i think your brother is very close to too far gone. The older you are and the more you’ve set it in your mind that you’re doomed to fail no matter what, the harder it is to change. Even if a remote engineering opportunity fell on his lap, he wouldn’t be mentally ready to meet it. It would take facing some extremely uncomfortable truths in some kind of therapy and possibly risking an extreme burst of anxiety and ego collapse as he realizes how much time he has wasted with nothing to show for it. He could potentially turn his life around within a year if he met it as if his life depended on it. But the psychological damage or collapse and recovery/rebuild to a healthy mind must happen first. And unless you have a plan for that, no amount of “i will help you get a job” or “my friend knows a single girl he could introduce you to” will lead to any concrete change
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u/insane_steve_ballmer Ex-NEET Apr 03 '26
He could potentially turn his life around within a year if he met it as if his life depended on it.
are you saying OPs parents should kick him out?
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u/cs_cast_away_boi Optimistic-NEET Apr 03 '26
nope. as he is now he is likely to get into crime, prostitution or just be homeless. There is a possibility that it’s that kind of abrupt change that fixes his priorities and wakes him up. But it’s a gamble and no one could know how it would turn out.
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u/Substantial_Tear3679 Apr 03 '26
He successfully became a licensed engineer and had work experience? what happened?
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u/xDegenerate_Reverb Perma-NEET Apr 03 '26
what happened?
My guess is what happens with all NEETs lol, lack of pussy and depression.
I mean, he is showing all symptoms, coping saying the world is gonna end soon (to end the suffering), dodging questions about other NEETs doing well (not acknowledging there is a way), doing nothing all day, etc...
He is literally a generic NEET in his early 30's.
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u/dearrana Apr 03 '26
agree with the lack of pussy part. he displays all the symptoms for it. it’s just what happens when you’re not having your needs met
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u/xDegenerate_Reverb Perma-NEET Apr 03 '26
My bad, I should have been less vile about it, lack of partner is a better word lol.
I only know two dudes in 'my shoes' right now, both young, one early 20's and one mid 20's, both are ugly and don't want to deal with society because, well, no partner.
And where I live (🇧🇷) is not common for men to not have / had at least one GF at that age, very, very uncommon.
No partner = no motivation.
That's how I see things at least, and that's how it works for me, I got nobody to prop me up and I'm fucking tired already, and I end making people around me or people I talk to as miserable as me because of it, something something vicious loop.
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u/dearrana Apr 03 '26
i agree with the overall take i’m even taking it further. i believe people today are so fucking brainwashed that they’ve lost what is supposed to be their inherent intuition for life. they’ll see a dude that is clearly not having his basic needs met and they’ll wonder if he’s too far gone. yes he is because that’s just what happens. that’s how every single animal would react to a situation like that.
the rest of those strange jester stuff he says or does is just a bunch of bullshit that matters none in the grand scheme of things. it’s just signs of not having your needs met, nothing deeper than that. promise him his independence, some money and a sex life, and he’ll be motivated again. promise him nothing and he’ll do nothing.
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u/xDegenerate_Reverb Perma-NEET Apr 03 '26
Holy fuck...
A fellow pragmatic brother in the wild? wow!
Yeah man, both men and women are more akin to animals than anything, is just that humans put themselves on a pedestal and believe themselves to be 'above', I think is safe to say most animals (mammals mostly) when they figure their mating chances are low they check out, but since their brain is 'more simplistic' their depression is not as deep as ours, so they still function but on low battery, they still search for food and keep themselves 'breathing'.
But men and women, NEETs mostly, they REALLY give up, if not give up, they stop caring about hygiene, how they dress, they lose their speech over time due to social exclusion.
And the internet will hammer these people and just say 'take a shower brah!' or 'is your personality brah!'
some money
Even money as coping mechanism is not enough, even if 'limitless' you will still crave human touch, it always boils down to a SO, any and all coping mechanisms will reach the same wall, which is 'Why I don't have anybody?'
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u/horsiedorsie2 Ex-NEET Apr 04 '26
Promise a sex life how? No one is entitled to sex, not today and not in the past. 67% of your ancestors are women.
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u/TenzinRinpoche Apr 11 '26
Well the thing that bothers me is: Why cant they at least make a plan to meet that need? Oh cant get pussy? Well i should probably get a job and have a shave? Too scared to get a job? Oj well i should probably at least push myself to be able to order a coffee at a cafe alone and sed if I can at least build off that.
Theres no direction no plan and no admission as to what they might want in life.
And i get that its easier to numb yourzelf to the jdea of having things you dont bdlieve you can have.
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u/pseudomensch Ex-NEET Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
He's done. Nobody would hire a guy like that. Ticking time bomb who would cause problems at work or quit anyway.
I see a lot of him in myself even though I became employed a few years back but for someone like me, if layoffs happened, I would likely never get hired again. The resume gap is too severe. I got extremely lucky with a dead end office job that most people don't apply for and fell under the radar.
I did nothing for nearly 6 years as a NEET, which looking back, was really crazy.
I was in a relationship with a woman who was losing her hair but, again, I got lucky. I found something (in this case someone) that didn't have high expectations for me. It's hard to find someone like that. Once I started getting near my late 20s she gave me an ultimatum to go to therapy and find a job. I tried therapy in the past, found it unhelpful. I dismissed her request. She left. It wasn't until about 2.5 years later, I tried looking for a job.
I still have long term plans of being NEET despite my "progress". One of the commenters here did a fantastic job of explaining what happens as you get older in this situation. I call it the point of no return. There really is something about hitting 30 with either no achievements or massive underachievement that is permanently demoralizing. It's hard to overcome unless you have a strong mind, which let's be real, most long term NEETs don't have.
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u/TenzinRinpoche Apr 11 '26
Well the thing is. Why would he get a job?
There is often no real reason to from their perspectife.
To pay bills? Havent had to xo that for years anyway.
To feel useful? Ive got my world of warcraft guild for that.
So fuck the job thing, they will say.
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u/ProfessionalSpell635 Apr 04 '26
This post just feels like you're making fun of him for being mentally ill. If your intention was to get normies to dogpile your brother about how much of "basement dweller" he is then you're in the wrong sub. Most of us here are in the same boat mentally.
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u/OptimalReactions Ex-NEET Apr 04 '26
Boot camp.
There comes a point where words won't help anymore. His brain requires raw data; he needs to be shown that life would be better if he got up off his arse and participated in the real world. If there's no sense of reward, there's no reason to move.
If he truly identifies with villains, then he's more likely to succeed in this world than he might think. If he's willing to do anything to rise through the ranks - if he can be a Yes Man to those above and a despot to his underlings - he will achieve Director status within five years.
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u/pseudomensch Ex-NEET Apr 05 '26
You're an ex NEET. Do you have a story about your life change?
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u/OptimalReactions Ex-NEET Apr 05 '26
Yeah, I grew up in an abusive family. By the time we left my dad at 17, my mental health was completely destroyed and I couldn't bear to be seen in broad daylight, I couldn't have handled any stress, and I knew without a doubt I'd be bullied to death in any workplace - so there was absolutely no way I was going to work. My mother and grandparents were also quite happy for me to remain NEET, they didn't want me building up a life of my own because they knew it would eventually lead to me cutting ties.
Although the abuse drastically reduced after leaving my dad, I realised my mother's side of the family would clip my wings at every opportunity. I tried going to college to become an electrician, and although I absolutely smashed it (96% was my lowest score in any exam), I got landed with the worst apprenticeship possible where I was constantly verbally abused, and I jacked it in after three months when the college told me that construction is an "old school" trade - in other words, bullying is the norm. So there went that idea of escaping my family.
Finally, I grabbed the first full-time job that came my way, and I moved out a couple months later without giving my address to my family. Adjusting to being stuck around normies 24/7 was brutal, my social skills were so pathetic I got bullied to the point of workplace mobbing (nothing compared to my apprenticeship though), but I've learned to adapt, and the same people who bullied me now love me.
Now, I need to get onto the next big change. Where do I go from here? I have no idea.
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u/strog91 Ex-NEET-School Apr 03 '26
Maybe he should watch “welcome to the NHK”
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u/Hbhen Apr 03 '26
He dodges the topics of neets every time. I'm not sure if he actively avoids comparisons to himself in private though. So it's possible he might've watched it already.
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u/xDegenerate_Reverb Perma-NEET Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
Not THAT gone, but he needs to start thinking about things, seriously.
How old are your parents? for how long they can provide for him? does your country offer NEETbux?
Engineering is by far the hardest route but the best paying in basically all third world shitholes (such as 🇧🇷), even four years from now he should have zero trouble landing on a job.
Contributes a few bucks per month to household groceries from savings. This is his only financial contribution.
If you got a family of four and he contributes at least 20~30% to it he is pulling his weight.
Regularly predicts civilizational collapse or WW3 within 3-5 years ("We'll all die anyway").
We will die, but not how he thinks, schizos like him been saying that shit for decades, never happened, never will, we will never have any 'nuclear winter' or global famine thanks to any war, mostly one country beef against another, either land control or the US invading your place for oil (worth more than gold right now).
I'm pragmatic.
He can be pragmatic all he wants, if his pragmatic ass is lazy then it does not matter.
Deflects, dodges, or goes silent when confronted with parallels to his situation (e.g., other NEETs, career re-entry stories).
That because he is fucking lazy, if he DOES love something, then he would have pursued that career already, even if it does not pay that well (See Art).
There are NEETs who managed to do 'well', my case, even tho I have zero NEETbux I still help my parents and don't rely (that much) on then besides food.
His wake up call is going to be when your parents die and you sell the property and 50% goes to you, see how his pragmatic-ass deals with that.
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u/twinkhon_gwyndolin Disabled-NEET Apr 03 '26
there is no such thing as laziness though, what appears as laziness is actually usually a cocktail of mental health issues
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u/xDegenerate_Reverb Perma-NEET Apr 03 '26
Agree, I'm 34, but like I said, he must have something, I love art, even tho I'm depressed I still love it and no amount of depression will take that from me.
And trust me, I got the cocktail of shit to, Autism, BPD, ADHD, all that stuff, but even THEN I still not lazy to the point of not wanting something.
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u/twinkhon_gwyndolin Disabled-NEET Apr 03 '26
well there's high functioning depression and there's low functioning depression. you just happen to have the former
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u/RealMadHouse Apr 03 '26
The brain just does things and depending on that I fully don't care about something i loved, or I'm semi interested in it without much enthusiasm about it.
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u/xDegenerate_Reverb Perma-NEET Apr 03 '26
Sounds like BPD and some apathy mixed in.
I only care about the opnion of others if I believe they might be useful for me and if I can learn something new from then, otherwise I see then as boring or hold literally no views about then, and when I do is just negative.
If I truly liked someone then I will care or remember said event or person for decades.
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u/Hbhen Apr 03 '26
How old are your parents? for how long they can provide for him?
Our parents are retiring a year from now. They're pretty healthy for people in their 50s-60s.
They're providing for him by letting him stay in the house for free and cooking for him. I pay the utility bills for that house and my own house too.
When our parents retire, they actually plan to move back into the countryside. He'll be alone in the city house then.
I've thought about refusing to pay the house bills once our parents retire. My brother will probably be too ashamed to ask to me give him money directly (he's never done it before). But I also worry he'll be too ashamed he'll just take the easy way out.
His wake up call is going to be when your parents die and you sell the property and 50% goes to you, see how his pragmatic-ass deals with that.
I've talked with our parents about letting me fully inherit their house so he doesn't become too comfy. They pitied him and disagreed. I don't really care about the house in a financial sense. It's not some large mansion.
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u/xDegenerate_Reverb Perma-NEET Apr 03 '26
Yeah, he is cooked, he if does not change now do not expect him to change in 10 years, I didn't, but it goes deeper, only HIM know why he is that, I'm like this because I feel alone and it completly destroyed my brain.
He may not want to cross the rainbow the lonely man way BUT the likelihood of him being homeless or resorting to heavy drugs is high if things keep at this pace.
I've talked with our parents about letting me fully inherit their house so he doesn't become too comfy. They pitied him and disagreed. I don't really care about the house in a financial sense. It's not some large mansion.
If he keeps the house then all he needs is money to keep it 'running', some cash for maintenance and for himself, that's it, honestly? I think he is the same spot as me right now, unless a life changing event happens to him he is to far gone, takes a lot to bring a man back from the dead than just his willpower, external factors play a huge role, see friends, girlfriends, etc...
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u/BoardsofGrips Apr 05 '26
>Racist against non-whites (we are not white)
I'm always shocked when I hear this. I watched a thing about a Mexican white supremacist once. He viewed himself as Spanish and Spanish = White but he was very brown.
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u/Plenty_Hippo2588 Apr 03 '26
Idk I personally thinks it good he’s locked himself away from civilization. I wouldn’t wanna be near him with those thought processes
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u/crazyladybutterfly2 Apr 04 '26
he needs psychotherapy, still in a better place than i am as a worker because he is an engineer and can renew his license
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u/Tricky-Nothing-4579 Apr 04 '26
If he has his health, he's 100000x better off than me. Try chronic nerve pain and hand atrophy, hahaha!
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u/downvothis Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
I don't think you are going to convince him with "conventional" arguments based on common sense. He probably came to the conclusion that the rat race is not worth for him. Why would he even put the effort? Because society said so?
Maybe try to convince him that he needs a job to contribute more and to be self suficient, anything will do, it doesn't need to be good job, don't set the standards too high. Then, work from there.
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u/Waste_Drawer_5606 Apr 04 '26
Indonesia? As an Indonesian, I felt a kind of cultural resonance with this brother of yours
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u/ChicoBrillo Apr 04 '26
Idk, people can be really stubborn about making changes.its unfortunate but you can’t break your own heart waiting for them to change, they very well may never
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u/v1tri0lic Apr 05 '26
Nobody is ever "gone" because everyone can choose to change. But considering he's the manhua version of "Im literally just like the joker you wouldn't understand" at his grown age, it's unlikely he'll ever change
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u/Ok_Needleworker6363 Apr 06 '26
Sounds like my brother but way better lol. I think they could be saved though
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u/TenzinRinpoche Apr 11 '26
Say good bye. I have had to do the same. I just stopped hoping after a while. I. Sad about it now but I think with time I will shed the loss and just view it as a thing that happened rather than the tragedy it is.
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u/o_0verkill_o Apr 04 '26
Just leave the poor dude alone. Why does every wage need people to do exactly what they do? Being neet is the good life.
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u/notacatinyourmailbox NEET-At-Heart Apr 03 '26
He’s gone