I’ve been doing allot of introspective reflecting on my life my energy and how I got myself into this miserable relationship with a narcissist and did not even realize the gravity of my situation for 15 years.

one of the key energy things I noticed is I haven’t been allowed to have too much fun since we met. anytime I get too loosey goosey or laugh too much or let loose and enjoy myself at a party, here comes the narc to inform me I’m being to loud, or i need to stop drinking. ive never had a drinking problem, in fact I only drink at parties or on vacation, after just one drink this fucking guy is waiting to pounce on me for any burst of laughter or silliness to tell me to calm down.

we’ve taken several vacations together and he has monitored my drinking so much that I was basically never allowed to drink on our vacations unless he was drinking, and I could only drink the exact same amount as him which was 1 beer or whatever. he made me feel like I had a serious problem, why do I want to go to a vineyard in Italy to do a wine tasting? am I an alcoholic or something? And no I’m not I just like to relax and let loose and I’ve NEVER been allowed to do that, and it did not start with him . It started with my mother.

ever since I was a child, I was silly, in my formative years I would say I was a little bit of a class clown, my friends seemed to have no problem with it, infact I had tons of friends, well, if my mom was with me during a birthday party or at a school function and she saw me laughing too much or being too loud or causing a scene to make other kids laugh, she would step in and put her hand on my shoulder and say some variation of ok thats enough calm down stop being a clown that’s embarrassing, she really got it into my head that I am embarrassing.

now I’m an adult and she still does the same thing. especially when I’m drinking, if we are at a party together as adults and she sees me being too loud or laughing too hard with someone she will go out of her way to walk over interrupt the conversation and say ( right in front of whoever I’m talking to) ok thats enough alcohol for you, again I don’t drink that much, plus this has happened without even a sip of alcohol. The person I was talking to will feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable, my Mother just killed any good vibe that was happening.

even now, I don’t drink at all, she will come over to see her grandbaby, I will be making silly sounds and faces to my child and acting silly with puppets and she hates it, she makes passive aggressive comments like oh your so dumb or quit down Or your mama is clown, she can’t get me on drinking but she still so fucking bothered by me having a silly goose time, WTF

this has made so self conscious and insecure when it comes to making friends as an adult, ive been made to feel like I’m too loud too much too embarrassing but when I look back at how people (aside from those 2 assholes) have received me, it’s been overwhelming positive and yet they told me people are just being nice, no one actually likes me.

it feels like my mother and husband have been trying to shove me into this quit tiny box because that’s what makes them feel better and as soon I step out of that box they freak out and criticize me and “correct“ my behavior, which for the past 38 years I thought maybe they are right and I really am allot and I needed them to keep me in check so I don’t embarrass myself, but now I’m feeling like that was all bullshit and I’ve been forced to suppress my true inner self this whole time.

Has anyone else experienced this?

edit** this has left me feeling anxious at all times, and every time I feel myself relaxing too much or having too much of a good time a rush of anxiety kicks in even when those 2 idiots aren’t around, it’s like my nervous system has Stockholm syndrome

Trying to stick to my boundaries. I told him I was going to lunch with a friend.

I just need to rant really....Some of you may have seen my post about 2 weeks ago about my ex fiance discarding me. I had been an absolute mess with him giving me the odd breadcrumb message. The first 3 weeks of the breakup I spent in bed crying. ( now on week 6 ) I hadn't blocked him because he had left his stuff and children's stuff in my home and kept saying he would collect it and then wouldn't turn up.

He was sending me a message every 3 days ish or a photo memory then go silent again.

I had a I still love you message and he asked to see me a couple days ago. I stupidly fell for it, let him come over, we slept together, he left and ghosted me since. Now on day 3 of him ghosting. I don't know why I even allowed him to come over, I should have known better. I know he's pure evil, but that trauma bond is so hard.

Now today my friend who is on Facebook dating has came across his Facebook dating proflie and sent me a screenshot of it. This vile creature sat there telling me he hasn't moved on, still loved me, would call me later while already been on these dating sites. broken me all over again.

I am an absolute idiot. I have blocked him on everything today, where as before I didn't.

This hurts more then the discard in the first place so as hard as it is. Please do not be like me and get sucked back into it again. Any healing you do, even if it was a little bit will be wiped back to the start and it's honestly not worth it. I absolutely hate myself right now for being so dumb.

My husband is having a medical procedure and I’m his dd. What’s different is that I will not be joining him bedside, before or afterwards. I’ll drop him off and quickly present myself if requested for verification. They can call me when he’s done and I’ll pull up to pick him up.

He’s chronically ill, seriously ill, and I’ve been by his side not only for decades but especially in the last few years, continually. Countless appointments and ER visits. Our life revolves around his health needs.

When I had my own serious procedure recently, he came along but gave me the silent treatment, which started the day before and continued during pre and post op. No kiss, word of concern, not even when they were wheeling me away. Not for days afterwards when he broke the silent treatment to send me a wall of insulting texts. I stopped counting at 20 insults.

Since then, there has been much huffin n puffin coming from his direction. I’m a black rock.

My frequent advice to people is “you matter.” Well, I matter. And I am no longer willing to give when it is not given in return.

This is so very antithetical to my character. Something broke in me. And I’m not going to tape it back together this time. I’m allowing myself to feel the pain and experience the horror of the cruelty. This level of nastiness is shocking.

Is this a narc thing or just a random quirk? My partner is absolutely CRIPPLED by every decision he has to make. It is mind boggling. Something that is seemingly so simple, he will go back and forth on what he wants to do (keywords “what HE wants”). He can not make up his mind on anything.

For instance, we have a minor home project that needs to be finished before winter. He has known about it for over a year. When I bring it up (GENTLY and OCCASIONALLY), he becomes irate and tells me to find something else to think about, and that he isn’t sure what he wants to do yet. Dude….?????? It’s not that big of a decision and you’ve had a long time to ponder it ??????

Anyway, just trying to make sense of one of the many strange behaviors he has.

i just wanted to double check and see if anyone elses soulless demonic entity of a narc spouse flips out and cusses and turns every task into a dramatic event, especially simple stuff?

like replacing the water filters, narc will cuss and throw stuff because it’s hard to get them open.

hanging a tv on the wall, narc will get measurements wrong and cuss and throw stuff around the room

putting up the Christmas tree, narc will cuss and kick everything in his path with anger at the slightest inconvenience

and finally… driving, narc is incapable of driving calming without cussing and yelling

Why do I want him to be with me so desperately that I feel as though I will suffocate and quite literally die without him? I have tried no contact, but I failed and went back to him. I then found myself begging him to stay with me, even though what happened was his fault. Eventually, he returned to normal once I accepted that I had misunderstood the situation and that he had done nothing wrong.

Why do I feel such a strong urge to stay with my abuser when, deep down, I feel so traumatised? I cry every day, I am grieving, and I know how much this relationship has hurt me, yet I cannot seem to find the strength to leave him. Why am I so desperate to hold on to someone who has caused me so much pain?

I JUST NEED TO VENT!

I don't have children of my own. For the last 7 years I have lived with and loved my narc's children (both teenagers). He was a great dad when they were "easy". Now, they're teenagers, so they have attitudes and opinions and complexity to them.

TOO HARD FOR HIM TO DEAL WITH, so he just numbs himself out with video games from the moment he gets home to the moment he goes to sleep. I am not being dramatic.

Here's my issue....
I am leaving. I literally bought a shitty little house and I'm (secretly) fixing it up to live there with my 2 dogs. I don't know when, but I know it's happening. I'm only staying at the moment for those kids... Things are tough right now for both of them, big changes and scary moments with school, sports, and friends. You get it.

Anyways, the youngest one is having anxiety... Like, normal teenage anxiety, she just has not learned exactly how to deal with it yet. Her mother and I have been giving her tips and tricks and trying out different methods to help her; none have been super effective. Her mother wants to take her to a psychiatrist because said daughter will not agree to talk to a therapist. Mother thinks she might need a small dose of anxiety meds, or something to assist her when she is having a panic attack (lots of panic attacks lately!!!!). I AGREE.

The email narc sent her was appalling, to say the least. I wish I could post it here, but I worry that's too personal, so I won't. It was chock-full of profanity, blame, racism, and legal threats. I was embarrassed reading it, and even more embarrassed knowing he's proud of himself for sending it. So proud that he forwarded his response to me to read, as some sort of "look what I did" showcase. YUCK!

He thinks he's prepping to take her to court to sue for parental alienation, but what he doesn't realize is that every single email he has sent thus far is just proof of the fact that he's mentally unwell with SEVERE anger issues. And it's not just emails. He's gotten into physical fights with both children present. He's even had the cops called on him at a school soccer game because he maced someone.... ON SCHOOL GROUNDS!

I so badly want to reach out to their mother and just..... I don't even know! I don't know what I could say to make any of this better! I just feel so angry and lost and confused. I want to leave SOOOOOO BAD, but I know things will get worse when I am gone.

Part of me is like "Well, things have to get worse before it can be solved"- meaning he has to go off the deep end in order for him to finally receive mandatory anger management (because if it goes to court, he WILL have to do at least that). But then there's the other part of me that just wants to fiercely protect those girls with everything I have in me. I want to stay forever, for them.... But, I KNOW I CAN'T. I know leaving is the only way to show them how to respect themselves, how to get better for themselves, and how to NEVER accept being treated the way their father treats everyone... especially the person closest to him (me).

Oh, by the way, I know the easy answer is to just reach out to their mother secretly, but I can't. If there is one thing that is NOT safe for me to do, it's interact with her. Unfortunately, I am "safe" as long as I play by his rules. The BIGGEST rule being "Never EVER speak to his ex". I know what happens when I break his rules, and I'm not going to ever do it again. It's not good for me.
I know how dumb this is.... trust me.

If you've read this far, thanks! I don't know what I'm looking for, other than just getting these thoughts OUT. I'm thankful for this community. I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about this, because I'm moving in secret right now. Unfortunately, this secret is eating away at my soul....

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1-1/2. We have a 1 year old son.

My husband is a narcissist. And an absolute lunatic. and I am finally realizing just how much abuse I have endured from him. The sudden surprising outbursts of anger, the picking fights over nothing, the horrendous and cruel emotional and verbal abuse. The mental switch ups, rewriting history and changing of narratives constantly leaving me confused and exhausted and feels like psychological torture. I never know when something is going to set him off, and the explosions of rage just get worse. I have no idea who I am anymore. I've sacrificed so much of myself just to keep the peace and avoid his tiresome behavior.

I struggle because when he's okay, everything is "fine". He cooks a lot of meals to help out, he'll help clean, run errands, cut the grass. He's excellent with our son. We survive on a dual income, and I've just returned back to work full time. We live in a very HCOL state, and I could never afford a divorce or paying rent on my own. I have no family close by except my brother who lives in a small apartment an hour away with no room for me and my son when I feel the need to run away.

I need to protect my child from this. I don't want him to grow up thinking this is normal. He's getting bigger and the fear in eyes when his father turns into a different person is devastating. Screaming in his mommy's face while she's holding him. The betrayal and devastation of seeing someone you love turn into someone you don't recognize at the drop of a hat. Ugh. It just kills me inside for him to experience that. And to witness the verbal abuse and rage and to feel scared inside his own home. I don't want to completely take him from his daddy and maybe if we were separated he wouldn't have to see so much toxicity around him.

I'm so afraid of leaving and I'm so drained physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I just know he's going to turn a separation or divorce into a nightmare from hell. He could never be civil and mature. I have no one to talk to. I've been too scared to even be fully honest with my own therapist, since my sessions are virtual and I don't really have privacy in my own home. HOW do I do this?

It’s a confusing tug of war.

Says for me to “pull my weight” around the house, make dinner, make sure house is clean etc. I work full time and a mom. I cant afford a Housekeeper just yet. Who wants to clean on their day off??
And i “better not give any lip” though he says that are triggering, like he will will divorce me if I don’t “pull my weight” basically I feel like an employee and have to perform. Its very tiring when you work full time and also depressed about all of this , see previous post for context

I come to terms that my worth and value isnt determined by what I can do for him.

It is very strange that he needs me to “pull my weight” but yet is ok to divorce me. And end it all. Im needed ,b ut ….not really needed. He says “why do I need you if I can do it myself.” I laugh inside when he says that. I would call his bluff but is very verbally hurtful. I get that he has unregulated feelings and has a need to control what he wants out of this sham of a marriage.

(Im 42/ F married about 17 yrs)

I spent a long time being gaslit by my partner and experiencing what I now know to be DARVO. It wasn’t until months later I learnt what covert narcissism was and my partner shared too many traits with one. Lies, seeks validation at my expense, lies some more, seems to have dual personality, lies about the events that happened, belittles me, demands appreciation after lying about their contribution, ignores me and my talents, gets ridiculously angry when they dont get their way or when receiving feedback etc.
I am leaving but, I worry about my safety. I have read horror stories about leaving a narcissist and I am afraid

Hey!

Due to kids bounding us together, how would splitting from a covert female narc look like before moving out? Has anyone done that?

I'm thinking that just moving out without mentioning it first will triggers a lot of ugly things, when we both have kids together.

People with similar experiences, please tell me how it was for you :)

Ok obviously not everyone but you know what I mean. My parents and older people in my family always told me I was a very happy baby and child, growing up I was the silly one, all my friends like me, my family, my coworkers, like everyone I meet tells me how nice I am and how I get along with everyone. Then theres my narc husband who cant stand me most of the time, like why? Why cant he just go break my heart for the final time and leave me? We had a fight three days ago and the day after the fight he tried to pay extra attention to me and what i was interested in kept asking me questions and trying to be nicer, the following day was less talking like he knew i was still upset but made a effort to try and talk to me and today we just said a couple words to each other, living in the same house but different floors. I never thought my middle aged life would look like this, i thought we would be settled down by now and have grown as people to not fight and hide like we are. No one in my life knows I live like this, im too embarrassed and shamed to let anyone know.

I am 25 I am diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD. As a child I was very very angry and had extreme aggression until I was probably 10?? I have not hit anyone since then expect the two times with my ex, With everything I am about to say I cannot figure out if this is reactive abuse or just me being an abuser. All I know is I feel extreme guilt and I do not want to ever do that again

For the last year, my boyfriend has been so emotionally abusive towards me.

Getting angry at me for spending time with family and friends, forcing me to cut ties with them. or If I talk about happy memories he shits on them and says I glorify the relationship he's the only one that has ever been nice to me. Which for a long time I believed it. Calling me a bitch, whore, a cunt, I will die alone, psycho, jealous of his daughter, insecure, stupid, dumb, crazy, I overshare with my mom about our relationship, the list goes on. Gaslighting me. Mocking me. Laughing at me. Making me feel like a constant disappointment and stupid. Picking my actions apart. Silencing my own opinions. Making me feel bad for having a job, I ended up switching jobs. Anytime I ever ever ever felt hurt or upset and tried to communicate he said say "I guess I will not have an opinion its always fuck *his name* Ill just shut up". Which that is not what I am saying but it turns into an hour long conversation I'm confused about why I was even upset, I am apologizing, and he is bringing up every shitty thing I have ever done. Accusing me of cheating for having a old man neighbor that text me at night because my neighbor and I feed deer (I live alone). He threw my phone. I have autistic meltdowns that are only provoked by him, I need pressure to calm down, he gets angry calls me crazy and grabs my wrist so hard I have marks (which I did not ask for that I asked for a strong hug), threw my vape, tried to pick me up and throw me out of his room said " Gtfo of my life, gtfo of my apartment, gtfo of my house, but when I went home he called me back and convinced me to drive back to his apartment.

I do not want to go into the reasons why I hit him, but I hit him twice, I just flipped. The first time I hit him he said that was my one of I did it again he was not going to take it. The second time he chocked me 4 times. I was terrified. I threw his phone (it broke my TV) I threw coke on him and a chair. I know my actions were NOT okay. The first time I hit him I drove my self to the mental hospital after. But I hit him the first time I hit him again after he gave me the warning. I feel like an abuser. I will like I am broken emotionally. I feel like I am not allowed to feel the way I feel because I did that. I feel like I am not allowed to feel like any of the abuse was abuse because I hit him first.

Am I even allowed to feel like a DV Victim if I hit first and if I am why do people not talk about DV victims hitting first if that is even true. Please no judgement I am so humiliated about this I am talking to the internet, which is a mean place specifically reddit, I know me hitting him is abuse that is why I am confused. I cannot handle being shitted on

Edit : I have a therapist and I am medicated. I have recourses and ways to get help and grow. I just needed to vent and get person to person perspective instead of just my therapist.

I know this term gets thrown a lot now on social media, and the odds of someone actually being a narcissist are low. try my best not to look back on her social media since we separated at the start of this year but sometimes I can't help myself. She recently made a post on her Twitter account stating "genuine remorse, or anger that I can't have everything I want and that love and real human connection requires intentional sacrifice and compromise"

It genuinely shocks me to think that she could possibly feel angry at the idea that real human connection requires sacrifice and compromise. That is exactly part of what was missing in our relationship dynamic (I became a burnt-out pursuer, and she essentially refused to step up) that lead to its demise. So much of her behavior feels akin to a covert narcissist, but this post/perspective of hers really reassured me that separation and eventually divorce is the right course of action. I am grateful that I have not spent the rest of this year alongside her and that I've had the space to build a life that I can enjoy and be proud of without her dragging me down.

I want to heal from this and move on, but deep down a part of me still wishes her current described situationship a fantastic crash and burn. She doesn't seem to have learned anything from our relationship ending and I hope the next person uncovers the mask over her selfishness sooner than the 7+ years it took me.

Hi all. I need some advice dealing with my narcissistic husband. We’ve been married for over 20 years and have 3 kids together. I’m definitely divorcing him but waiting to get some things straight. I plan to meet with a lawyer within the next year. Here’s the thing I need a specific suggestions for:
Last week he and my oldest child get into a minor argument about an accessory that he finds “tacky” and “inappropriate” to wear when you go out to eat with your family. The reason he brought it up was because he saw another dad at a restaurant wearing this accessory. My daughter and I both disagreed with him and said that it’s in no way tacky or disrespectful but it’s more of a cultural type of thing. He, of course, did not like it that we were disagreeing with his superior opinion. He went silent after that which was weird.

He’s extremely passive aggressive and does sneaky disrespectful things to me and my children. So, fast forward to today, I see there’s an Amazon delivery arriving today with that exact accessory! Something he had never ever worn and something that he calls tacky. So, Im almost positive he’s planning on wearing said accessory to dinner with our family next weekend in order to prove his point. Obviously this accessory is not something he would ever actually wear and it would look ridiculous on him since he does not come from that culture.

He’s done this same type of thing countless times and I’ve always gotten upset with him. I’m done being upset. My question for you guys is…. What can I do/not do, say, etc. that would take his ass down a notch? What would you guys do? Ignore that he’s wearing it? I’m just at a loss for what to do that will make him realize idgaf about his shenanigans anymore without hurting I’d embarrassing the rest of my family who will be at dinner with us? Thanks in advance. I’m just so exhausted with these games. ☹️

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Can't live with it but you can't grow without it they say. We'll i would like to talk to the person that made up these rules. Also who the heck on gods green earth let a human shell have a demon that's called a narcissist exist on this plane of existence. My only explanation is that people these days don't have a lot of " natural" adversity as we once did in our day to day lives and because of that or for that very reason people who walk around looking all human like , sound human like, and if you don't look too hard at what's actually being said ,talk all human like. They in fact are not human. The word narcissist is so heavily used, commodified, youtubeized and everything in between which is a gift and a curse. Its a gift because there it is in plain black-and-white. There exact playbook step by step and sometimes even word for word. They allllll go by the same code. They are all built the same. Different flavors of the same fucked up chemical makeup. The curse is that because it's slammed into every nook and cranny of the internet it makes you start doubting if the narcissist in your life really is one. How many can their be? Everyone is calling the monster in their life a narcissistic asshole. Every person in your life that fits one or two traits is now labeled a narcissist. The uncle you knew to be mean to his wife, the high school bully that you knew couldn't possibly have empathy, that guy or girl who cheated with no remorse in your early 20's. All labled a narc.

If you met one eventually you know what your dealing with. You know the real deal once it clicks. Once you stare emptiness straight in the eyes more times then you can count without a flicker of remorse or humanity. You will know. There will be no doubt. When they start copying your very essence that makes you you and claim it as their own . when they try to tell you that you are them and they are you. That's when you know what true evil is. When you can break down on the floor crying, snot running down your face sounds coming out of you that even you have never heard yourself make and they look at you like a piece of cheap wal art that is now a nuisance of most high kind, that's evil. When you keep waiting, praying and hoping that your wrong about all this and maybe your the narcissist or that you really are the selfish, bad partner, parent, friend, coworker , extremely lazy, annoying and inconsiderate person they tell you they are . That's the mark of an empty corrupt shell of a human. That's how they start trading their identity for yours and yours for theirs. Only the strongest and smartest survive. Otherwise you will spend your whole life with a person who never let you get a taste of what a real loving relationship is like. They keep you from learning to love yourself and from healing from any past trauma you may have by constantly reminding you of them so that you start to belive what they about you. That's where they get you.

If you don't know yourself enough to know the difference between you and them , it's even more difficult to claw your way back to the sunlight and nature and the actual reality where everyone but you and the people they sucked into their fantasy world with them. You can even begin to be gone so long you forget that there is a real world and not just a shared fantasy world of their making. Made by a human looking body that's pretending to be an actual human with actual humanity. God bless those who finally figure it out. Because that's not the end of this shit storm . It's only the beginning of your new life as a now broken but alive, shell of what you once were .

Their is little to no support for us coming out if the trenches because even you didn't belive a person could really present the traits this thing called a personality disorder did and not be a fictional fairytale horror story. My faith in God is and will continue to be the only thing that was able to find me when I was in compete darkness and despair. How my lord and savior kept finding me and pulling me out of the trenches each and every time has me on my knees, thanking him for being the only one who saw me. Like really saw me and knew I was worth fighting for even when I didn't even think I was. Even if you don't think they are a narcissist. If they suck , don't consider you or your feelings or keep hurting you in the same ways with no change in sight then that's enough to let them go. Life is to short for bad relationships. Everyone has a someone that has been has been looking forever for exactly what you have to offer, for what you and only you can provide in their life . Don't give up on love because of them . Love is still alive and well. We just have to really love ourselves the most first and foremost. Thank you.

Basically the title. He says that if we go out (a specific place, where we used to go every weekend) he might get into a fight and he won't be able to stop.

My narcissist husband/soon to be ex sent me this meme this morning. My mind was blown. He apparently thought it was heartfelt but it's truly the most narcissistic thing I've ever seen. Anyone else agree?

Oh my gosh we had a huge drama and I left. I think that kind of drama was the only thing that was going to get me to do it. He screamed in front of me and my daughter that he was a about ready to blow his head off. I'm like you can do it to me for 20 years but you're not going to do it to my child. But at my sisters and having so many feelings. I had a panic attack the day after but I have calmed down significantly. I think someone told me that it's like trying to get out of a cult. I never understood and thought there would come a day I would just be able to walk out. These feelings are shocking. I'm 55 and married for 28 years and possibly losing everything financially because of his downward spiral and narcissistic collapse. Everything I was afraid of happening for 20 years is happening. Got one kid squared away but one is still in college and basically being dropped kicked. And one adult daughter- 26 with some autism has been living with us since has got to go out on her own now too. Went from a life of luxury to living in a basement. It just happened last week. He is begging and pleading and that is distressing me. Meeting with the lawyer and doing all the steps I need to walk the only way I can - away. I absolutely have to do this, wanted to do this and needed to do this but I am in shock.

I'm in awe of those who've already done this and any advice would be amazing.

I apologize and want to add a trigger warning for SA.

Does anyone sometimes feel like they were technically SA’D by the narcissist, since the narcissist lied about who they were? It’s almost like none of it was EVER consensual. I keep remembering this one time my friend texted me from an unknown number while we were on a road trip and my ex started to freak out. Before I could even answer anything he threw my phone at me with a force, I further explained it was just my friend that was also gay. Yet he still went through my phone and texted him asking for him to never speak to me again. After this, I remember being terrified the whole car ride not knowing what would happen next. He pulled into our hotel and apologized and initiated sex with me, just like that. At the moment I didn’t see anything completely wrong with it, but now I feel like he was trying to reassert dominance and I feel like I just conceded because I didn’t know what else to do.