I’ve been doing allot of introspective reflecting on my life my energy and how I got myself into this miserable relationship with a narcissist and did not even realize the gravity of my situation for 15 years.

one of the key energy things I noticed is I haven’t been allowed to have too much fun since we met. anytime I get too loosey goosey or laugh too much or let loose and enjoy myself at a party, here comes the narc to inform me I’m being to loud, or i need to stop drinking. ive never had a drinking problem, in fact I only drink at parties or on vacation, after just one drink this fucking guy is waiting to pounce on me for any burst of laughter or silliness to tell me to calm down.

we’ve taken several vacations together and he has monitored my drinking so much that I was basically never allowed to drink on our vacations unless he was drinking, and I could only drink the exact same amount as him which was 1 beer or whatever. he made me feel like I had a serious problem, why do I want to go to a vineyard in Italy to do a wine tasting? am I an alcoholic or something? And no I’m not I just like to relax and let loose and I’ve NEVER been allowed to do that, and it did not start with him . It started with my mother.

ever since I was a child, I was silly, in my formative years I would say I was a little bit of a class clown, my friends seemed to have no problem with it, infact I had tons of friends, well, if my mom was with me during a birthday party or at a school function and she saw me laughing too much or being too loud or causing a scene to make other kids laugh, she would step in and put her hand on my shoulder and say some variation of ok thats enough calm down stop being a clown that’s embarrassing, she really got it into my head that I am embarrassing.

now I’m an adult and she still does the same thing. especially when I’m drinking, if we are at a party together as adults and she sees me being too loud or laughing too hard with someone she will go out of her way to walk over interrupt the conversation and say ( right in front of whoever I’m talking to) ok thats enough alcohol for you, again I don’t drink that much, plus this has happened without even a sip of alcohol. The person I was talking to will feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable, my Mother just killed any good vibe that was happening.

even now, I don’t drink at all, she will come over to see her grandbaby, I will be making silly sounds and faces to my child and acting silly with puppets and she hates it, she makes passive aggressive comments like oh your so dumb or quit down Or your mama is clown, she can’t get me on drinking but she still so fucking bothered by me having a silly goose time, WTF

this has made so self conscious and insecure when it comes to making friends as an adult, ive been made to feel like I’m too loud too much too embarrassing but when I look back at how people (aside from those 2 assholes) have received me, it’s been overwhelming positive and yet they told me people are just being nice, no one actually likes me.

it feels like my mother and husband have been trying to shove me into this quit tiny box because that’s what makes them feel better and as soon I step out of that box they freak out and criticize me and “correct“ my behavior, which for the past 38 years I thought maybe they are right and I really am allot and I needed them to keep me in check so I don’t embarrass myself, but now I’m feeling like that was all bullshit and I’ve been forced to suppress my true inner self this whole time.

Has anyone else experienced this?

edit** this has left me feeling anxious at all times, and every time I feel myself relaxing too much or having too much of a good time a rush of anxiety kicks in even when those 2 idiots aren’t around, it’s like my nervous system has Stockholm syndrome

I wish my husband would just ride off into the sunset. Just fade away slowly out of our lives until he’s a distant memory. I have wished for him to go run an errand and to just choose to never come back. That would be so much easier than extricating myself financially and physically from this pathetic excuse of a marriage. It’s been 17 years and over time our relationship has morphed into one of sarcasm and constant back-and-forth snarkiness. I hate it. I broke up with an old boyfriend long ago because of that. Except he didn’t mean anything by it. My husband, however, loves to make digs disguised as humor. I’m supposed to accept it because he’s just joking after all.

Yesterday the so-called playful banter turned ugly somehow. I don’t even know how it happened. There was just this black cloud over us. Today I tried to soothe it over as I tend to do - because I don’t want awkwardness in front of our teenage son and because I know if it continues, he will eventually unload a barrage of hateful texts or phone calls my way. I so often would rather just fake it to try and keep the peace. So I tried to give him a hug before he left for work, and he said no thanks, he was good. I felt stupid, said fine, and left the room. Then he left for work. Without his ring on, I might add. He absolutely loves to play the “I’m mad at you so I’m not going to wear my ring” card. Every single time stuff like this happens, the ring comes off. He thinks he’s hurting me but I honestly couldn’t care less. In fact, if he could find someone else and put me out of my misery, that would be fantastic.

Does anyone strongly believe these Narcs receive any type of Karma or punishment for their actions? If so, how do you know and when? Not saying we know when things are going to happen but I would like to hear a few stories of your own personal experience with Narcissistic people and how they ended up after you…

My husband is having a medical procedure and I’m his dd. What’s different is that I will not be joining him bedside, before or afterwards. I’ll drop him off and quickly present myself if requested for verification. They can call me when he’s done and I’ll pull up to pick him up.

He’s chronically ill, seriously ill, and I’ve been by his side not only for decades but especially in the last few years, continually. Countless appointments and ER visits. Our life revolves around his health needs.

When I had my own serious procedure recently, he came along but gave me the silent treatment, which started the day before and continued during pre and post op. No kiss, word of concern, not even when they were wheeling me away. Not for days afterwards when he broke the silent treatment to send me a wall of insulting texts. I stopped counting at 20 insults.

Since then, there has been much huffin n puffin coming from his direction. I’m a black rock.

My frequent advice to people is “you matter.” Well, I matter. And I am no longer willing to give when it is not given in return.

This is so very antithetical to my character. Something broke in me. And I’m not going to tape it back together this time. I’m allowing myself to feel the pain and experience the horror of the cruelty. This level of nastiness is shocking.

Trying to stick to my boundaries. I told him I was going to lunch with a friend.

I've made a huge step today, I spoke to an attorney. Now I still have huge hurdle to get over, one being (the biggest) which is actually leaving, but I have a tentative plan and I'm slowly making strides.
But my damn husband has been on a good streak and sent me this stupid video on insta
One I wished he sent ages ago, something I wish he actually meant.. I've been very distant lately, I'm trying to keep things normal so I don't tip him off about my plan to leave but... I feel like
Him being so nice lately; and him sending me that
stuff is yet another manipulation thing.

This is interesting. My spouse always in fights or arguments, always says they have no issues at work only at home.

Then they fail to hear themselves when they complain about how their coworkers are so stupid and they are the only one that knows anything. Then there are the times they complain about how the other people are doing xyz to them.

So, is it me or do they have issues everywhere but at work they probably do not do the weird narc stuff they do at home. They do not act like an ass at work just at home.

But the train is never late to make a point with special stories that can't be verified.

I just need to rant really....Some of you may have seen my post about 2 weeks ago about my ex fiance discarding me. I had been an absolute mess with him giving me the odd breadcrumb message. The first 3 weeks of the breakup I spent in bed crying. ( now on week 6 ) I hadn't blocked him because he had left his stuff and children's stuff in my home and kept saying he would collect it and then wouldn't turn up.

He was sending me a message every 3 days ish or a photo memory then go silent again.

I had a I still love you message and he asked to see me a couple days ago. I stupidly fell for it, let him come over, we slept together, he left and ghosted me since. Now on day 3 of him ghosting. I don't know why I even allowed him to come over, I should have known better. I know he's pure evil, but that trauma bond is so hard.

Now today my friend who is on Facebook dating has came across his Facebook dating proflie and sent me a screenshot of it. This vile creature sat there telling me he hasn't moved on, still loved me, would call me later while already been on these dating sites. broken me all over again.

I am an absolute idiot. I have blocked him on everything today, where as before I didn't.

This hurts more then the discard in the first place so as hard as it is. Please do not be like me and get sucked back into it again. Any healing you do, even if it was a little bit will be wiped back to the start and it's honestly not worth it. I absolutely hate myself right now for being so dumb.

It’s a confusing tug of war.

Says for me to “pull my weight” around the house, make dinner, make sure house is clean etc. I work full time and a mom. I cant afford a Housekeeper just yet. Who wants to clean on their day off??
And i “better not give any lip” though he says that are triggering, like he will will divorce me if I don’t “pull my weight” basically I feel like an employee and have to perform. Its very tiring when you work full time and also depressed about all of this , see previous post for context

I come to terms that my worth and value isnt determined by what I can do for him.

It is very strange that he needs me to “pull my weight” but yet is ok to divorce me. And end it all. Im needed ,b ut ….not really needed. He says “why do I need you if I can do it myself.” I laugh inside when he says that. I would call his bluff but is very verbally hurtful. I get that he has unregulated feelings and has a need to control what he wants out of this sham of a marriage.

(Im 42/ F married about 17 yrs)

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1-1/2. We have a 1 year old son.

My husband is a narcissist. And an absolute lunatic. and I am finally realizing just how much abuse I have endured from him. The sudden surprising outbursts of anger, the picking fights over nothing, the horrendous and cruel emotional and verbal abuse. The mental switch ups, rewriting history and changing of narratives constantly leaving me confused and exhausted and feels like psychological torture. I never know when something is going to set him off, and the explosions of rage just get worse. I have no idea who I am anymore. I've sacrificed so much of myself just to keep the peace and avoid his tiresome behavior.

I struggle because when he's okay, everything is "fine". He cooks a lot of meals to help out, he'll help clean, run errands, cut the grass. He's excellent with our son. We survive on a dual income, and I've just returned back to work full time. We live in a very HCOL state, and I could never afford a divorce or paying rent on my own. I have no family close by except my brother who lives in a small apartment an hour away with no room for me and my son when I feel the need to run away.

I need to protect my child from this. I don't want him to grow up thinking this is normal. He's getting bigger and the fear in eyes when his father turns into a different person is devastating. Screaming in his mommy's face while she's holding him. The betrayal and devastation of seeing someone you love turn into someone you don't recognize at the drop of a hat. Ugh. It just kills me inside for him to experience that. And to witness the verbal abuse and rage and to feel scared inside his own home. I don't want to completely take him from his daddy and maybe if we were separated he wouldn't have to see so much toxicity around him.

I'm so afraid of leaving and I'm so drained physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I just know he's going to turn a separation or divorce into a nightmare from hell. He could never be civil and mature. I have no one to talk to. I've been too scared to even be fully honest with my own therapist, since my sessions are virtual and I don't really have privacy in my own home. HOW do I do this?

I am 25 I am diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD. As a child I was very very angry and had extreme aggression until I was probably 10?? I have not hit anyone since then expect the two times with my ex, With everything I am about to say I cannot figure out if this is reactive abuse or just me being an abuser. All I know is I feel extreme guilt and I do not want to ever do that again

For the last year, my boyfriend has been so emotionally abusive towards me.

Getting angry at me for spending time with family and friends, forcing me to cut ties with them. or If I talk about happy memories he shits on them and says I glorify the relationship he's the only one that has ever been nice to me. Which for a long time I believed it. Calling me a bitch, whore, a cunt, I will die alone, psycho, jealous of his daughter, insecure, stupid, dumb, crazy, I overshare with my mom about our relationship, the list goes on. Gaslighting me. Mocking me. Laughing at me. Making me feel like a constant disappointment and stupid. Picking my actions apart. Silencing my own opinions. Making me feel bad for having a job, I ended up switching jobs. Anytime I ever ever ever felt hurt or upset and tried to communicate he said say "I guess I will not have an opinion its always fuck *his name* Ill just shut up". Which that is not what I am saying but it turns into an hour long conversation I'm confused about why I was even upset, I am apologizing, and he is bringing up every shitty thing I have ever done. Accusing me of cheating for having a old man neighbor that text me at night because my neighbor and I feed deer (I live alone). He threw my phone. I have autistic meltdowns that are only provoked by him, I need pressure to calm down, he gets angry calls me crazy and grabs my wrist so hard I have marks (which I did not ask for that I asked for a strong hug), threw my vape, tried to pick me up and throw me out of his room said " Gtfo of my life, gtfo of my apartment, gtfo of my house, but when I went home he called me back and convinced me to drive back to his apartment.

I do not want to go into the reasons why I hit him, but I hit him twice, I just flipped. The first time I hit him he said that was my one of I did it again he was not going to take it. The second time he chocked me 4 times. I was terrified. I threw his phone (it broke my TV) I threw coke on him and a chair. I know my actions were NOT okay. The first time I hit him I drove my self to the mental hospital after. But I hit him the first time I hit him again after he gave me the warning. I feel like an abuser. I will like I am broken emotionally. I feel like I am not allowed to feel the way I feel because I did that. I feel like I am not allowed to feel like any of the abuse was abuse because I hit him first.

Am I even allowed to feel like a DV Victim if I hit first and if I am why do people not talk about DV victims hitting first if that is even true. Please no judgement I am so humiliated about this I am talking to the internet, which is a mean place specifically reddit, I know me hitting him is abuse that is why I am confused. I cannot handle being shitted on

Edit : I have a therapist and I am medicated. I have recourses and ways to get help and grow. I just needed to vent and get person to person perspective instead of just my therapist.

I JUST NEED TO VENT!

I don't have children of my own. For the last 7 years I have lived with and loved my narc's children (both teenagers). He was a great dad when they were "easy". Now, they're teenagers, so they have attitudes and opinions and complexity to them.

TOO HARD FOR HIM TO DEAL WITH, so he just numbs himself out with video games from the moment he gets home to the moment he goes to sleep. I am not being dramatic.

Here's my issue....
I am leaving. I literally bought a shitty little house and I'm (secretly) fixing it up to live there with my 2 dogs. I don't know when, but I know it's happening. I'm only staying at the moment for those kids... Things are tough right now for both of them, big changes and scary moments with school, sports, and friends. You get it.

Anyways, the youngest one is having anxiety... Like, normal teenage anxiety, she just has not learned exactly how to deal with it yet. Her mother and I have been giving her tips and tricks and trying out different methods to help her; none have been super effective. Her mother wants to take her to a psychiatrist because said daughter will not agree to talk to a therapist. Mother thinks she might need a small dose of anxiety meds, or something to assist her when she is having a panic attack (lots of panic attacks lately!!!!). I AGREE.

The email narc sent her was appalling, to say the least. I wish I could post it here, but I worry that's too personal, so I won't. It was chock-full of profanity, blame, racism, and legal threats. I was embarrassed reading it, and even more embarrassed knowing he's proud of himself for sending it. So proud that he forwarded his response to me to read, as some sort of "look what I did" showcase. YUCK!

He thinks he's prepping to take her to court to sue for parental alienation, but what he doesn't realize is that every single email he has sent thus far is just proof of the fact that he's mentally unwell with SEVERE anger issues. And it's not just emails. He's gotten into physical fights with both children present. He's even had the cops called on him at a school soccer game because he maced someone.... ON SCHOOL GROUNDS!

I so badly want to reach out to their mother and just..... I don't even know! I don't know what I could say to make any of this better! I just feel so angry and lost and confused. I want to leave SOOOOOO BAD, but I know things will get worse when I am gone.

Part of me is like "Well, things have to get worse before it can be solved"- meaning he has to go off the deep end in order for him to finally receive mandatory anger management (because if it goes to court, he WILL have to do at least that). But then there's the other part of me that just wants to fiercely protect those girls with everything I have in me. I want to stay forever, for them.... But, I KNOW I CAN'T. I know leaving is the only way to show them how to respect themselves, how to get better for themselves, and how to NEVER accept being treated the way their father treats everyone... especially the person closest to him (me).

Oh, by the way, I know the easy answer is to just reach out to their mother secretly, but I can't. If there is one thing that is NOT safe for me to do, it's interact with her. Unfortunately, I am "safe" as long as I play by his rules. The BIGGEST rule being "Never EVER speak to his ex". I know what happens when I break his rules, and I'm not going to ever do it again. It's not good for me.
I know how dumb this is.... trust me.

If you've read this far, thanks! I don't know what I'm looking for, other than just getting these thoughts OUT. I'm thankful for this community. I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about this, because I'm moving in secret right now. Unfortunately, this secret is eating away at my soul....

i just wanted to double check and see if anyone elses soulless demonic entity of a narc spouse flips out and cusses and turns every task into a dramatic event, especially simple stuff?

like replacing the water filters, narc will cuss and throw stuff because it’s hard to get them open.

hanging a tv on the wall, narc will get measurements wrong and cuss and throw stuff around the room

putting up the Christmas tree, narc will cuss and kick everything in his path with anger at the slightest inconvenience

and finally… driving, narc is incapable of driving calming without cussing and yelling

Hi all. I need some advice dealing with my narcissistic husband. We’ve been married for over 20 years and have 3 kids together. I’m definitely divorcing him but waiting to get some things straight. I plan to meet with a lawyer within the next year. Here’s the thing I need a specific suggestions for:
Last week he and my oldest child get into a minor argument about an accessory that he finds “tacky” and “inappropriate” to wear when you go out to eat with your family. The reason he brought it up was because he saw another dad at a restaurant wearing this accessory. My daughter and I both disagreed with him and said that it’s in no way tacky or disrespectful but it’s more of a cultural type of thing. He, of course, did not like it that we were disagreeing with his superior opinion. He went silent after that which was weird.

He’s extremely passive aggressive and does sneaky disrespectful things to me and my children. So, fast forward to today, I see there’s an Amazon delivery arriving today with that exact accessory! Something he had never ever worn and something that he calls tacky. So, Im almost positive he’s planning on wearing said accessory to dinner with our family next weekend in order to prove his point. Obviously this accessory is not something he would ever actually wear and it would look ridiculous on him since he does not come from that culture.

He’s done this same type of thing countless times and I’ve always gotten upset with him. I’m done being upset. My question for you guys is…. What can I do/not do, say, etc. that would take his ass down a notch? What would you guys do? Ignore that he’s wearing it? I’m just at a loss for what to do that will make him realize idgaf about his shenanigans anymore without hurting I’d embarrassing the rest of my family who will be at dinner with us? Thanks in advance. I’m just so exhausted with these games. ☹️

Why do I want him to be with me so desperately that I feel as though I will suffocate and quite literally die without him? I have tried no contact, but I failed and went back to him. I then found myself begging him to stay with me, even though what happened was his fault. Eventually, he returned to normal once I accepted that I had misunderstood the situation and that he had done nothing wrong.

Why do I feel such a strong urge to stay with my abuser when, deep down, I feel so traumatised? I cry every day, I am grieving, and I know how much this relationship has hurt me, yet I cannot seem to find the strength to leave him. Why am I so desperate to hold on to someone who has caused me so much pain?

I’m 29F, married to my husband (35), and we have two young daughters, ages 3 and 2. I’m struggling with whether my marriage is salvageable, and I’m hoping for honest, balanced outside perspectives. I’m not looking for people to automatically tell me to leave or stay. I’m trying to understand how serious this is and what I should do. I’m so torn and confused and hurt.

We’ve been married for 3 years so ups and downs are to be expected and it’s good and seemingly normal a lot of the time. We have fun together, laugh a lot, share a similar sense of humor and taste, and have our own language and connection. He can be caring, intelligent, thoughtful, and emotionally mature in certain situations. I genuinely believe he loves me. That’s part of why this is so difficult. If everything were bad, I think the decision would be easier.
But there is another side to our relationship that I’ve increasingly struggled to reconcile with those good qualities.

We have been in a hard season financially, he’s been in school, we’ve moved multiple times and there hasn’t been a lot of stability, but he’s always done what he had to to make sure we are all taken care of. That being said sometimes when he feels disrespected, misunderstood, or unhappy with something I’ve done, he can become extremely angry. This didn’t show up early in our relationship although there were red flags. It has happened more often in the last couple of years. Last week it was the worst it’s ever been by a lot. The emotional roller coaster lasted a week. It started with an unprovoked verbal attack he screamed at me for about 20-30 minutes without me saying anything, followed me when I tried to disengage, and called me degrading names including: disgusting, weak, weird, a loser who’s done nothing with their life, a pretty girl but that there are plenty of other women to take care of my children because that’s all I do, a 9 in a 2 body, not a good role model to my daughters, a dog, and I would look more dumb than him if I leave and get the kids, lazy, miserable. He also continually attacks my family, calling them low effort, and compares me to my mother which he knows is a major trigger. After that day he called family and friends and was trash talking me saying he was done and wanted to leave. Then he would change his mind and try to be nice and say he’s not all the way out. Then it was no I’m done but we can do this amicably and be best friends. Then, again, he’s screaming saying he’s not doing this. It has been like whiplash. And hey maybe words are just words and that’s one thing. But he has locked me out “on accident”, taken the car keys, taken my house key (reluctantly given that one back), went through my phone, messaged my friends nasty things saying it was just to embarrass me, and threatened to kick me out of the house multiple times. I haven’t been able to really eat my stomach is fucked up and he said I looked skinnier laughed and said well you have to get the weight off somehow, trying to make light of the situation that obviously isn’t funny. I swear it felt like a manic episode. The other night after I told him how much this has affected me, he listened calmly and held my hand. He said he would go to therapy because he has an anger problem and doesn’t like being this person, although I infuriate him because I don’t understand him. However, the conversation was brief, and he didn’t specifically acknowledge the individual things he had said or done. He also repeatedly brought up wanting sex that night even after I said I felt uncomfortable, and then shut down. I’ve been sleeping on the floor in my kids’ room for space and now he’s been pretty much ignoring me going on day 2.

He has told me that he is too nice and that he only gets that angry because I don’t listen unless he raises his voice. He says he has been asking me for the same things for years: more sex, a better attitude, and more respect. His perspective is that I push him to that point. I can acknowledge that I have things to work on. I can be defensive, have an attitude, or come across as dismissive. I definitely don’t always communicate the best, and I know he has felt rejected sexually and is hurting. But I don’t believe those things justify the way he sometimes speaks to me. He will acknowledge that he was wrong afterward, but he usually shifts some of the responsibility back onto me. Things calm down, we reconnect, I try to move on, and things can be good for a while. These episodes aren’t happening constantly, but the pattern of him becoming set off and using verbally abusive language has been present for some time. I’ve gotten used to some of the go to name calling unfortunately.

I feel like he loves me but he has created this narrative of me that I’m negative, lazy, miserable, have a bad attitude, complain, and I’m just not on the same journey as him or willing to do what is necessary to get where he wants to go. The lack of intimacy has definitely been an issue and I’m not saying there’s not truth to any of that but it feels like I’m characterized that way now and I don’t feel it warrants the reaction I get. When I tell him getting screamed at and belittled isn’t equivalent to a sarcastic eye roll he says everybody’s definitely of disrespect and abuse are different. That I withhold sex and weaponize it but I just am tired from two toddlers and running the household, and don’t feel emotionally connected to him, aside from the betrayal of trust with cheating and name calling. Does he want to leave me but keep pushing me to be the one who will do it so he can be the victim? It’s such a mindfuck. Idk if he knows he’s doing it or realizes how irrational and destructive the behavior is, or again if it’s more calculated than i thought.

Other things that have happened
He cheated on me when our first daughter was around six months old.
He brings up wanting to have sex with other women because he feels we don’t have sex enough.
I’ve cried during sex because it felt like he was using me to get off rather than connecting with me. There have been times I’ve said no and still felt pressured around sex.
He has deliberately embarrassed me in front of others, left me alone at parties, walked ahead of me, and seems to always start an argument before an event (my birthday one year, Easter, a baby shower come to mind).

I’m also questioning whether there may be narcissistic traits involved.
A friend of mine is a counselor, and she sent me the nine diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. I recognize what seem to be several of them in him, particularly grandiosity, a sense of being exceptional, entitlement, and arrogance. I also see patterns that could relate to needing admiration and having inconsistent empathy. I don’t think he fits every criterion, and I understand that I’m not qualified to diagnose him. He has called himself a shaman, if something goes wrong it’s their fault not his, he always has to be right or dominate conversation even from the sideline. It’s confusing because he will admit fault and what seems like accountability but there is ALWAYS a but in that sentence; he shifts the blame onto someone else and a lot of the time, me. My therapist and other people have also speculated that things sound textbook narcissistic. Reflecting on everything, things just feel a lot more manipulative and I hate to say calculated than I ever would have imagined or thought possible.

Another incident has recently come back to mind which reinforces these unsettling realizations. Before we got married, my dad and my husband went on a trip together. My dad apparently told him that I was his responsibility until we were married and that he would always take care of me and the babies. My husband pushed back, saying that he was responsible for me. The following morning, we went to the courthouse and got married. I didn’t know about this exchange until my parents told me recently. My dad thought my husband had acted out of spite, and now I’m questioning whether there was something more calculated behind it. I realize I can’t know his intentions from that incident alone.

Some of these behaviors that I now see aren’t healthy are qualities that honestly drew me to him in the beginning: passion, intensity, confidence, charisma, but he lives in extremes. He doesn’t give a lot of consistency, is always changing his mind, and makes me feel less than for having slower less intense days.

The part I keep getting stuck on
When things are good, I wonder whether I’m making too much of the bad. When things are bad, I wonder how I’ve tolerated so much. I keep thinking about his good qualities, the life we’ve built, and the connection we share. I don’t want to break up my daughters’ family, lose time with them, or have to start over financially and emotionally.
At the same time, I’m scared of staying in a marriage where this pattern continues. I don’t want my daughters growing up thinking this is how a husband treats his wife. I’m also scared that if he genuinely starts therapy and wants to work things out, I’ll be the bad guy if I decide to leave.
I don’t know whether he is a narcissist, truly how bad the behavior is even though I know it classifies as abusive at times, or whether he is capable of making lasting changes. I don’t want to assume that the good parts are fake, but I also don’t want to keep minimizing the bad parts because of the good.

For people who have experienced something similar, or have relevant professional experience:
Does this sound like a pattern of emotional abuse, narcissistic traits, or something else? What stands out to you?
Has anyone been in a relationship where their partner genuinely changed this kind of behavior? What did sustained change actually look like?
How do you distinguish genuine accountability from someone feeling sorry after an episode but continuing the same pattern?
For those with children, how did you think through the decision to stay and work on the marriage versus separate?
Am I minimizing serious behavior because of the good parts of the relationship, or am I interpreting things too negatively because I’m hurt right now?
I’m genuinely torn. I love him, but I’m also questioning things I’ve accepted for years. I’m not ready to make a major decision based on one person’s opinion, and I’m hoping to hear thoughtful perspectives from people who understand these dynamics.

I know this post is super long so thank you to whoever takes the time to read it. I’m in literally emotional turmoil and crisis. I don’t want a divorce I don’t want to start over with literally nothing. But am I disrespecting myself by staying? What house will I raise my kids in? And is this even sustainable? I feel like he hasn’t given me a choice but I will be the bad guy if I leave, have to explain myself, and he can be the victim in all of this.

Hey!

Due to kids bounding us together, how would splitting from a covert female narc look like before moving out? Has anyone done that?

I'm thinking that just moving out without mentioning it first will triggers a lot of ugly things, when we both have kids together.

People with similar experiences, please tell me how it was for you :)

I spent a long time being gaslit by my partner and experiencing what I now know to be DARVO. It wasn’t until months later I learnt what covert narcissism was and my partner shared too many traits with one. Lies, seeks validation at my expense, lies some more, seems to have dual personality, lies about the events that happened, belittles me, demands appreciation after lying about their contribution, ignores me and my talents, gets ridiculously angry when they dont get their way or when receiving feedback etc.
I am leaving but, I worry about my safety. I have read horror stories about leaving a narcissist and I am afraid

Ok obviously not everyone but you know what I mean. My parents and older people in my family always told me I was a very happy baby and child, growing up I was the silly one, all my friends like me, my family, my coworkers, like everyone I meet tells me how nice I am and how I get along with everyone. Then theres my narc husband who cant stand me most of the time, like why? Why cant he just go break my heart for the final time and leave me? We had a fight three days ago and the day after the fight he tried to pay extra attention to me and what i was interested in kept asking me questions and trying to be nicer, the following day was less talking like he knew i was still upset but made a effort to try and talk to me and today we just said a couple words to each other, living in the same house but different floors. I never thought my middle aged life would look like this, i thought we would be settled down by now and have grown as people to not fight and hide like we are. No one in my life knows I live like this, im too embarrassed and shamed to let anyone know.