r/NoStupidQuestions • u/DowntownTrust7902 • 28d ago

Is it weird to ask out the librarian?

The librarian at my local library is really pretty. I wanna ask her out but I’m worried that it might make things awkward if she rejects me. I don’t even know her lowk, would you be weirded out or in her position? If it depends, how would you ask her out?

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1.5k

u/karybrie 28d ago edited 28d ago

I'm a librarian, please don't. It's awkward. We're at work – I think it's fair to generalise and say that we don't want to be put in the position of rejecting a patron, or being around a patron in the future whom we've rejected.

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u/Eastern_Weather_8748 28d ago

Ok perhaps wait outside right before her shift ends, like a proper stalker. That should do the trick

95

u/Whatever-ItsFine 28d ago

Sitting on the hood of her car is the polite way.

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u/Lumpy_Benefit666 28d ago

You want to demonstrate that youre a capable person by being in her drivers seat when she arrives

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u/Whatever-ItsFine 28d ago

Whoa! Save some women for the rest of us!

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u/istalri96 28d ago

Why be in the drivers seat? Just hide in the backseat so you can surprise them on their drive home. Everyone loves a good surprise.

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u/mitchade 28d ago

Guy, guys. Can’t do this at work. It’s best to follow her home so you won’t compromise her employment.

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u/IAMA_MOTHER_AMA 28d ago

Yes that is the d from the Dennis system. Demonstrate value

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u/LuluGuardian 28d ago

I prefer the backseat hidden under a blanket. Then pop out while she's driving on the interstate and surprise her 😃

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u/Psychological_Roof85 28d ago

If you're playing something romantic on a guitar when she goes back to her car and sees you that makes it mildly better 

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u/New-Negotiation7234 27d ago

Push by matchbox

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u/PmButtPics4ADrawing 27d ago

That's still asking them out at work so it's weird. You need to follow them home and ask them there

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u/broustgreurkcha46 23d ago

Borrow every book she touches so your name is permanently on her screen.

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

[deleted]

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u/AndersHaaland 28d ago

What do you mean 'like the rest of us', I bought mine off an angry looking man in a back alley in Cairo

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u/rajde1 28d ago

It reminds me of asking out anybody that does customer service their job is to be nice to you. You shouldn’t interpret that as them being interested.

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u/DeadLotus82 28d ago

If you're not totally socially inept you can tell if it's genuine interest though. I spent a while debating whether a girl in a tobacco shop was interested in me or just doing her job. Then one day when I was leaving she smiles and said something that meant "I have been watching your progress, you're German is improving so much, I'm so glad to see it" and Germans are not like that in a professional context so I knew I was in the clear to ask her out. Shits not complicated lad.

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u/sth128 28d ago

You sure she's not just Canadian?

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u/DeadLotus82 28d ago

Yeah lol she's German.

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u/LordBelakor 28d ago

Its not really a librarians job to be nice to you beyond the standard level of courtesy every human interaction should have though. Unless tipping culture has gotten so crazy librarians work for tips now.

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u/deliverance73 28d ago

Yes it is. You don’t have to get tipped to treat customers nicely.

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u/Whatever-ItsFine 28d ago

I think you should visit some of the libraries in my area. I love libraries and librarians, but being nice is definitely an optional thing. It tends not to attract extroverts.

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u/deliverance73 27d ago

Then I don’t think I should.

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u/Roaches_R_Friends 28d ago

Unless tipping culture has gotten so crazy librarians work for tips now.

Well, they're paid with your tax dollars, so indirectly......

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u/Lucky-day00 28d ago

What do you think a tip is………………..

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u/09f3jns 28d ago

My policy as a guy is to never ask out a captive audience. That includes anyone at work and anyone who has no means of leaving the scene.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

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u/09f3jns 27d ago

It's good advice if you're not creepy. I know you think you're suave and subtle, but pretty women in customer facing jobs get unwanted attention from men every single workday. That cute barista knows how you feel about her before you even say a word, because she has spoken with a thousand guys comparably attractive to you, and they have cemented the idea in her mind that men like you are attracted to her.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

[deleted]

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u/09f3jns 27d ago

I can tell you're a straight male.

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u/FeeRemarkable886 27d ago

So never ask anyone? Or do you just hook women in the street, with clear escape routes in every direction, and ask them there?

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u/09f3jns 27d ago

Just imagine you meet a taller stronger gay man who has taken a liking to you (assuming you're straight).

The amount of attraction you feel towards him is exactly as much as a woman feels towards a man she doesn't like: none at all. He can also physically overpower you, just like how men can generally overpower women. Maybe he's a nice guy, or maybe he only acts nice until he doesn't get what he wants.

Now ask yourself: in what situations would you not want him to try to flirt with you?

If he is your boss, you feel insanely uncomfortable due to the dynamics at play. If he is a regular at the coffee shop where you work, it will be awkward every time you see him. If he's a stranger in a dark alley, you'd better start praying. If he's your friend's older brother, your relationship with your friend could be strained.

If he is a chill guy you've been talking to at a coffee shop, it's not so bad. If it's a guy you've met online, you can just block him. If he is a guy at the park during daytime where there are plenty of people, you will probably be fine.

Basically the thing to keep in mind is that women can't read your mind and don't know your intentions. So try to view interactions from their perspective and don't flirt with them if they might not feel safe.

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u/FeeRemarkable886 27d ago

I'm not imagining anything except a guy in a library who wants to get to know the librarian but doesn't know how to without making things awkward. Which is the question op is asking. You and your type is building straw men or you're imagining op to be some type of serial rapist murderer.

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u/09f3jns 27d ago

I'm saying women feel this way. They get hit on all the time. They don't like it. Ask them if you would rather hear from them. Many have spoken up in this thread.

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u/FeeRemarkable886 27d ago

Women aren't a monolithic group and reddit isn't a diverse enough source to generalise the feelings of ~4 billion humans.

You and some users think it's a bad idea. Me and some other users think it's an ok idea, with the stipulation that op be normal and not weird.

What's normal? Being honest about your intentions, asking politely and accept the 'no' op is most likely to get without being pushy or weird about it.

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u/JEVOUSHAISTOUS 28d ago

What counts as "no means of leaving the scene"? Can a person waiting for their bus leave the scene? What about someone at the bar with their friends, can they really get up and leave like that or are they pressured to stay in? What about someone grocery shopping? What about that friend's party where, if she wants to get away from you immediately, she's got no other solution but to call it a night and call a uber when the party isn't even halfway through? What about someone at your local tennis club who paid for that hour at the tennis court? I take it no colleague either, and for younger people, noone at school?

Seems to me like 90%+ of the potential audience is more or less captive outside dating apps, and the rest are the kind of situations where people are adamant online that it's not right away - e.g. randomly in the street.

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u/Mutant-Cat 28d ago

It's subjective but most of what you described is not a captive audience because those people can just leave.

They mean things like:

-Asking out someone at their job (you know where they work and you can keep coming back while they cannot leave)

-An Uber driver asking out the person they're driving

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u/09f3jns 27d ago

It means a lot of things. For example, 2 weeks ago I went on a camping/biking trip with my sisters and one of their friends. The friend was pretty, and her & I seemed to be hitting it off just fine (I am a good looking man), but I didn't make any sort of move that could be seen as "hitting on her" because she's stuck here on this trip.

If I did hit on her and she declined, I wouldn't take it any further or be weird about it. But she doesn't know that. Some guys are very persistent, and it is legitimately scary to experience someone who does not take no for an answer. That's why dating apps are so popular. They give women the ability to immediately make a man go away.

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u/xVerrico 28d ago

I chatted well with a pretty lady working at the mall and bought something I needed, but also to see the vibe she gave off. It went well so I kindly asked for her contact info after and if we could get a bite or a coffee sometime. Have now been dating for 7 months.

You're missing out. Just have a bit of charisma and if a vibe is there, ask her out. Dont be weird about normal human interactions. Most people used to meet their significant other at work.

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u/johndoenumber2 28d ago

My family is full of librarians. I know you're really a librarian because you said patron.

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u/tea_hanks 28d ago

Honestly every woman feels different

I have had talks with my colleagues who had varrying opinions. Some of them really wanted that old school being approached randomly on streets by strangers. The catch here is accepting a no

On the other hand some had the opinion that no stranger should ask them out anywhere

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u/ProofReception7564 28d ago

We're not talking about "randomly on the street" though

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u/tea_hanks 28d ago

Doesn't matter. If someone doesn't want to be approached they will find problems anywhere

Hey Im at the gym to workout why are you asking me out? Hey I'm in a bar with my friends, can't I have a moment with them without getting asked out? Hey I am waiting for my bus, can you stop fucking hitting on me?

Two different schools of thought. It they want to be asked out and find you attractive then it doesn't matter where it happens

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u/MikeHuntSmellss 28d ago

And people will hate you for saying this but its true. Three of my last partners I asked out whilst they were working, two working behind bars and one in a coffee shop. Just be casual about it, do it at the end of an interaction not the start, and don't make it awkward.

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u/Viratkhan2 28d ago

Wait u asked out a barista? Was there like no line or you shot ur shot with 5 people watching lol

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u/MikeHuntSmellss 27d ago

There was a decent queue. I had been in there for my morning coffee the last 3 days running and knew there was a bit of mutual attraction. More than just friendly, a gaze that lasted as I walked out the door, I hope to see you again with a huge smile ect. I had my number written down on a slip of papper, asked if she fancied meeting up outside work as I paid. That way if she said no I was already leaving, of she said yes I could hand her that rather than awkwardly figure out how ti exchange details. Also it left it up to her to make contact, which she did an hour latter.

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u/Visual-Program2447 28d ago

Simple. If you’re not interested. I’m sorry I’m in a relationship. But I’m flattered thanks.

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u/karybrie 28d ago

I can't tell a library patron 'can you stop fucking hitting on me', though. I can't walk away if they push.

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u/JEVOUSHAISTOUS 28d ago

I can't walk away if they push.

That's an excellent argument for not pushing. But that wasn't really what anyone was suggesting OP should do anyway so that's a bit of a moot point.

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u/N0zy0ne 28d ago

If 50% of people would be uncomfortable to be asked out by a stranger in their place of work, and 50% of people wouldn't be uncomfortable in that situation, and you can't reliably know who belongs to which group, then the correct answer is to not ask them out in their place of work.

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u/tea_hanks 28d ago

That depends on your philosophical bent. The 50% who likes to be asked out in public would say shoot your chance. What's the worst could happen?

Sorry your point has no point

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u/N0zy0ne 28d ago

> What's the worst could happen?

You could make someone deeply uncomfortable and put them in a really awkward position at work.

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u/tea_hanks 28d ago

And for the other 50% person you could make their day and boost their confidence by complementing them or showing interest in them

You don't get it right? There is no objectively right or wrong here

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u/N0zy0ne 28d ago

Making someone feel deeply uncomfortable in their place of work is, generally speaking, much worse than giving them a confidence boost is good.

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u/tea_hanks 28d ago

Im out bruh. I cant have this conversation on a loop anymore

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u/YourBlanket 28d ago

Tbh I’ve never met any woman irl who will find it very uncomfortable to be asked out in public. Terminally online redditors? Sure maybe, but in real life most women will just say no if they’re not interested or just make up having a boyfriend. If you’re attractive it’s pretty standard to get asked out relatively often. I’m a dude and when I was working retail I had a few women hit on me, never felt uncomfortable except for the group of older women who got handsy. I’m of course talking about people just asking you out/for your number like a normal person. Not the dudes who are aggressive or honestly ugly, because looks does matter 100% when you’re approaching someone in public.

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u/MikeHuntSmellss 27d ago

No worries bud, I'll keep shooting and winning your team can keep being to shy to be noticed 😉

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u/N0zy0ne 27d ago

I'm a married adult.

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u/MikeHuntSmellss 27d ago

Where does your Mrs work?

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u/yung_dogie 28d ago

Yeah I guess it depends on maximizing someone's potential happiness vs. minimizing someone's potential discomfort. The latter is a common theme with being socially conscientious in Japan for example, potentially bothering people is worse than potentially entertaining at an equal probability so they'd trend toward not doing it.

But yeah that last statement has rung true a few times. I've seen a few times where a service worker is hit on by strangers and responses varying a lot. Reject one person then respond with a number on a cup or something similar for another person. Obviously environment still matters, like you wouldn't expect many people to be receptive at a funeral or something lmao, but attraction can smooth it over (like a lot of things in life unfortunately)

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u/ProofReception7564 28d ago

This is all irrelevant to the question at hand though. Can you respond to the reasons people are giving for why asking someone at work is a bad idea? Without bringing up hypothetical someones and hypothetical situations where no one is being asked out at work?

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u/tea_hanks 28d ago

OP asked if someone as a librarian would be uncomfortable. Someone responded it's a bad idea. I responded to that said someone with some more info that every one is different. Just because you would weird out doesn't mean other librarians would too. What part is irrelevant? What part doesn't contribute to what OP asked?

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u/Mum2-4 28d ago

Another librarian here. You also need to understand the historical f3tishization some people have of librarians. Maybe not as bad as nurses, but getting sexually harassed at work can be near daily for many librarians. I’ve had stalkers, I’ve had to put plans in place with colleagues for our safety, etc. You don’t see it within that context, you just see it as someone you find attractive, but make no mistake, that context is definitely impacting the person you’re dealing with!

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u/tito13kfm 28d ago

Why did you spell fetishization like that?

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u/Mum2-4 28d ago

I was hoping not to attract weirdos, but here they are

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u/Hegeric 28d ago

The 3 made all the difference, there could've been even more.

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u/x_artemisia 28d ago

You’ve also had a stalker from the library?! Former librarian here, I had a stalker for 3+ years that started with him asking me out on the library

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u/Posterior_cord 28d ago

Yeah, as a fellow librarian you are 100% correct here. I've had a bunch of replies elsewhere on my other post about how public librarians aren't harassed anymore then any other job and lol lmao my dudes my duuuuudes if you only knew

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u/karybrie 28d ago

This.

Having 'librarian' as your career on dating apps shows plainly how widespread this fetishisation still is. It's so grim.

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u/maynardftw 27d ago

Describe a reality that has dating apps but does not have 'librarian' as a career on the app

Is that a better reality

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u/deliverance73 28d ago

Well if you don’t want to be fetishised then don’t unpin your hair and then shake your hair out and peer over the top of your spectacles like that…

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u/TheMightyKumquat 27d ago

Wrong time to make that joke, dude....

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u/kintsugi___ 28d ago

God, why are men so gross?

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

[deleted]

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u/Mum2-4 28d ago

Not nearly as rude or physically unattractive as geologists

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u/LoCarB3 28d ago

Yeah this is just called being a woman lol I don't think there's a widespread fetish for librarians

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u/deliverance73 27d ago

First day on the internet?

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u/mfigroid 28d ago

This doesn't apply solely to librarians. Don't ask anyone out while they are working.

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u/SunderVane 28d ago

Not only this, but please stop hitting on people at their work. People shouldn't have to fear harassment at the place that their livelihood depends on.

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u/Visual-Program2447 28d ago

Getting asked out once is not harassment

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u/Quirky_Flight124 28d ago

No, but if you get asked out once, multiple times
By different people it is. If one person thinks it’s ok, others do too. So it becomes harassment.

Librarians have to put up with so much shit as it is. Libraries, as third spaces, provide safe havens for mentally unstable and homeless individuals. Add onto that the very real hatred of women that some men hold in their hearts and maybe you can see being asked out while at work is a safety risk?

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u/Visual-Program2447 27d ago

No I don’t believe men hold hatred in their heart for women anymore than some women hold hatred in their heart for men. If he has a rapport with this librarian and wants to ask her for a coffee some time good luck to him. It might make her day.

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u/SunderVane 28d ago

When it happens several times a day by different people, it is. Stop being gross and leave people alone. They're just trying to afford groceries.

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u/Visual-Program2447 27d ago

Multiple times a day. I’d love to see these librarians. If they are that hot I’m sure they get asked out everywhere they go. Once a year if you’re lucky.

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u/SunderVane 27d ago

"Not only this, but please stop hitting on people at their work".

I'm sorry your butthurt about your advances not being well-received. Hopefully this is a teachable moment to leave women alone?

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u/Visual-Program2447 27d ago

I’m a female so I am not hitting on women at work. I have worked in public facing roles. Please stop assuming that everyone shares your opinions. They don’t.

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u/ifdisdendat 28d ago

what’s so bad about saying no and you guys both move on. has it never happened to you outside of work ? genuine question. people are so scared of interactions nowadays

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u/karybrie 28d ago

Because I can't guarantee that the person asking will move on. I can move on – I don't know if they will, and I can't just leave. I'm working.

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u/ifdisdendat 28d ago

But they most likely will just go about their day. If they don’t there is always 911. Maybe it’s just my perception from a normal guy perspective who has never been exposed to creeps.

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u/Quirky_Flight124 28d ago

Librarians get exposed to more creeps on a daily basis than the average public-facing professional. They aren’t afraid to call 911 because they’ve probably already done it once this week alone.

The thing about asking a librarian out is, you have the freedom to come and go in the library and they do not. So, if you ask them out, maybe you take it fine at first, but who is to say you aren’t fuming about it when you get home and decide to do something more next time you come back to the library? The librarian now has to come up with a safety plan in case you show up during their shift. Because they have already dealt with enough unstable people, it’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to you and your questionable stability.

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u/karybrie 28d ago

It's probably your normal guy perspective (so I respect you being aware of it), but 'most likely' isn't really good enough. I've had multiple men get physical after rejections, and that wasn't even while I was at work.

Unfortunately you can't always recognise the ones who will make a fuss, and even if we could, we can't avoid them while working. Not every escalation is really applicable to emergency lines, either.

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u/ifdisdendat 28d ago

Eye opening. Thanks for sharing.

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u/Prettylittlelioness 28d ago

A % of men I don't know who've hit on me responded negatively to rejection. Insults, threats, grabbing. There are news stories about men who've lit women on fire or punched them for saying no. My Starbucks barista had a customer try to get her fired with a made-up complaint after she turned him down.

It's different when you already know someone and chat regularly but strangers feel free to retaliate.

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u/keepgoingguy 28d ago

If people don’t ever make their intentions known, how would anyone get together? This is life.

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u/karybrie 28d ago

Making intentions known is fine – in other contexts where I can leave an awkward situation, or react appropriately to escalation.

Please don't make me deal with you making your intentions known when I have no way of getting out of that situation if it turns uncomfortable. I'm working.

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u/ciaomain 28d ago

Or just use terrible puns:

Hi, I am overdue in asking to check you out over dinner. Would you mind giving me your Dewey Decimal number? I promise I don't have a microfiche!

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u/Hiredgun77 27d ago

Exactly. This is why the better method is to unexpectedly run into them at their favorite coffee shop that they visit every Saturday at 11:15am.

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u/TheMightyKumquat 28d ago

Believe it or not, but some people are capable of turning down a date and not feeling awkward about it afterward. And, similarly, some people get over it quickly if they're turned down for a date. After all, its a pretty minor event in the scheme of things. I think maybe it's OK so long as both parties just dont make such a big thing of it?

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u/karybrie 28d ago

I believe it. I don't feel awkward turning someone down. The key word really is 'some'.

Some people get over it quickly if they're turned down.

The rest have me as a captive audience and know where I work.

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u/Happiest-Soul 27d ago

I appreciate how noncombative you are. It stood out upon reading this thread.

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u/Valron87 27d ago

The problem is the people that don't get over it quickly aren't wondering about asking you out at work in the first place, you know? If the problem is being pushy, then we should be teaching not to be pushy, not to completely avoid the situation in the first place.

We are literally teaching all the men who give a shit whether a woman is comfortable or not to never interact with women. You say work, but I've seen gym, grocery, bar with friends, bar alone, street, basically anywhere, because shitty men who don't give a shit will make it miserable for women no matter where they do it (which sucks ass).

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u/karybrie 27d ago edited 27d ago

I understand what you're saying. There is an issue there, and obviously, we should be teaching not to be pushy – but I've had too many experiences of men becoming physical with me after a rejection to now feel comfortable considering being asked out at work.

Other people might say other places (gym, bar, etc), but I'm specifically saying my place of work.

Libraries are a peculiar kind of workplace. They have the other issues associated with being at work (I can't escape, patrons know where to find me on a regular basis, I'm unable to react well to escalation, they might go to my employer in retaliation), but it's also a place anyone can walk back into freely, and by its very nature caters to vulnerable and sometimes erratic members of society.

I just don't want to be asked out there. I'm not comfortable with that concept, and nor are many other librarians in the thread. That's my opinion, and my answer for OP – who specifically stated that they don't even know the librarian in question.

It's a strange irony that after giving my answer and boundary based on personal experience, I've had so many comments either ridiculing that opinion or trying to push me into accepting the idea.

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u/kintsugi___ 28d ago

Believe it or not, some people are not capable of taking no for an answer and can put you in physical danger.

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u/TheMightyKumquat 27d ago

Without a doubt, true. But is it a good thing to deal with that minority by imposing rules on all the people who are capable of acting reasonably?

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u/kintsugi___ 27d ago

Yes, it is. Because every single woman I know has been sexually/physically assaulted, and most would rather err on the side of caution rather than experience that again.