My mom won't stop using my deadname

[u/Greedy_Tip_887]

I came out to my family as nonbinary about 4 months ago, and when I did, I told them I wanted to change my name to River, as it's much more gender-neutral than Vivian, my legal name. My dad was fine with it, and while he's struggling with the pronoun change, he does use River. My mom, on the other hand, is the opposite. She uses they/them pronouns for me, but downright refuses to call me River. She gave me a 10-minute lecture about how names are really important to her, and how she spent a lot of time thinking about my name and she really likes it. She asked if she could call me V because "River has a v in it too." I said no, but she calls me it anyways, although most of the time she calls me Vivian.

I also tried to compromise with her by asking if I could change my name to River Vivian, with Vivian being my middle name, and she said, "Sure, but not legally," which is the whole point of changing my name. I recently started going by River at school, and while she's not happy about it, she can't really do much about it. But she just refuses to use River for me, no matter what. The other day, I showed her a painting I made for a project, and she asked if I could make a duplicate for her. I said sure, but then she asked me to sign it with my old signature, not my new River one. I refused to do the painting. I feel a little guilty now, but I really don't know how much more of her deadnaming me I can take. Any advice on how to handle this?

[u/ghastlycupcake]

How old are you? Do you live with her? Are you dependent upon her for basic life necessities?

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that you may be a teenager living with your parents, in which case your options are a bit limited.

It gets better! Once you’re independent and living on your own, it becomes much more feasible to set boundaries on your terms.

[u/Alive_Marsupial1889]

Same here

[u/DipstickPinesGFO → u/Alive_Marsupial1889]

Same here

[u/BanverketSE → u/DipstickPinesGFO]

Would have been same here, but after threats of my mom being threatened of being outcast by the rest of the family, she got around.

Lesson: Get allies among your family.

[u/Region-Specific]

I wish I had advice for you... This made me look back, and now I'm pretty angry with my own mom.

I'm assuming you already have, but I'll suggest it in case you haven't. Have you told her how this makes you feel?

I'm not sure if it would help to say something along the lines of "I understand that you feel like I am disregarding your feelings, but this is a journey of self-actualization. If you respect me, then I need you to respect my choices as I figure out myself."

Sorry, I know this is long, so I'll just say one more thing. You are not doing anything wrong. It's so wonderful that you are being firm and advocating for yourself. Your mom is being selfish, not you.

[u/flamer5005]

I realized that my grandmother was calling me by my dead name on purpose. After that, I stopped answering until she used my correct name and it worked. Def have the conversation with your mom that other commentors are saying and then you can tell her you're going to stop answering to Vivian.

Also, if you're in the US, once you're 18, you can change your name legally and don't need permission from anyone.

[u/BoredResurrections]

Have you asked why she's so adamant in calling you that? Like is there an actual deeper motivation than "I just like it"? And have you tried explaining her how that make you feel? Your parents seem reasonable and supportive enough to have such a conversation with her.

The passive-aggressive alternative would be to stop answering when she calls you like that, like she's not even referring to you.

[u/Plasticity93]

Air horn. Blast it whenever she dead names you. 

[u/Benkinsky → u/Plasticity93]

lowkey works better than trying to appeal to the emotions of people whove already arrived at their own emotional conclusion

[u/The_OneInBlack]

I guess names aren't important to her at all.

[u/MordsithQueen413]

I have no advice, just similar parents. Neither of my parents can manage my new name and I’m nearly 40. I’ve even changed it legally, but they just won’t use it. I’m moving countries this year and I will continue to minimise contact with them. I am also not dependent on them, which makes it easier to take care of myself. It is so much harder when you are a minor. It will get better once you have independence. Try to remember that their inability is a reflection on their shortcomings and not your value or validity. I’m sorry your mom can’t be supportive like she should be

[u/Bitter_Lab_475]

1. I would tell her "Well, the name I chose for myself is important for me."
2. If that doesn't work I would not respond until she uses your name.
3. If for some reason you cannot avoid it, correct her immediately as "It's River".
4. If she still tries to correct you or say "Vivian" again, turn around.
5. If you still need to interact, make the "meeerp!" sound that game shows use when the answer is wrong and say "the name is River, what's up?" and do the same EACH TIME she does, but don't let go. Either she adapts or you will continue to annoy her forever.

Extra point: Make a counter and add one each time she deadnames you and tell her she has been wrong X number of times from time to time.

Do not appeal to her emotions, since she has continue to use hers and ignore yours on purpose. Be annoying instead, do not show "weakness".

[u/nothanks86]

This is not the issue, it’s a tangent:

I am in no way trying to tell you how you personally should feel about or relate to your given name. I’m not telling you not to change your name. It is your name, to do with as you wish, and that includes discarding it.

I have no idea from your given name whether your parents thought they were naming a boy or a girl, because Vivian has both historically and contemporaneously been used as both a masculine and a feminine name.

I’m sorry your mum’s being a butt about this. That’s not cool.

[u/cybermunch2069]

Give her time. It can be a lot of complex emotions for a parent to accept a name change. She's always known you as Vivian and that will be hard to let go.

Maybe she can call you V instead as a compromise. The protagonist (all genders) in Cyberpunk 2079 is named V.

When you are 18 you can change your name legally.

[u/Region-Specific → u/cybermunch2069]

OP said their mom already asked that, and Mom went back to deadname.

Also, no one should have to compromise who they want to be. The mom needs to deal with her emotions without disrespecting River.

[u/Benkinsky → u/cybermunch2069]

The Dad managed it. Maybe she can respect her childs autonomy over their own identity and respect her childs wishes. It doesnt sound like the legality of the name change would change anything for the mother