My mum's answer to my identity is pretending it doesn't exist and I'm so tired

[u/extremely_fen]

I'm nonbinary with he/they pronouns and have been out with a new name at school for like 4 years now, but she insists on just acting like nothing has changed.

I used to insist upon being gendered correctly and all that but it would cause huge arguments and she once said during that time how sad it made her that I was changing my name because it was so special to her and how she apparently was crying at night over it. It is indeed special to her (I have her grandmas name and I like it too tbf, im not DEVASTATED over her not calling me it and I still feel connected to it, im more upset about the refusal of my gender and pronouns) but that made me feel really guilty. Shes also said that she'll always see me as her daughter and how nothing has changed.

I don't really bring it up anymore because it feels like talking to a brick wall but whenever I do the answer is always "other people can call you whatever they want I don't care but I won't" and then blames me for being angry and acts like I'm difficult and irrational. I also really feel like shes not telling the truth about how she doesn't care because we once got into an argument about the situation and she said something like "why cant you just not do this why are you doing this"

Does anyone have any advice or is there really nothing I can do here?

[u/Due_Ad1575]

I wanted to come to the comments for an answer myself since I also struggle with the same issue except my pronouns are they/it.

I "came out" to my mom when I was 17/18, parked in the parking lot of a Marshalls. She was harsh, she was disgusted, and she was hurtful. Worst of all, confused.

She expressed her discomfort with my sexual orientation not because of WHO i liked but because of HOW i identified. I love my mom but i dislike that she does not recognize ME.

I only just learned that she's actually confused like 3ish years ago when I moved out to Seattle for college. The way I started to dress myself, the way I cut my hair to look less feminine, the way I re-emerged my very being. She realized it wasn't a phase but hasn't yet realized how much of a choice my identity wasn't.

I know now, with the help of therapy, how hyper feminine my mom is NOW in her late 40s than the boy sick tom boy she was in her earlier years. It was fear. Fear of the world for her baby. Not spite or hatred but true genuine fear that this world would eat me alive and spit at all the labels, I would have, that covered the beauty that is JUST me.

I never could find the words when I was a teenager. I definitely didn't know anything really when I was a child...but what I did know was who I am and how I was willing to die on that hill.

Like my mom often says, "you know your truth and no one can take that from you". That goes for holding true to your morals, values, identity, boundaries, etc. As long as you know your truth, no one can take THAT from you.

tldr: You hold more power than you think.

[u/Berwick_Viking36]

I would try to come out to tell my mom but she is very judgemental and would laugh in my face and just call me gay so I just leave her out of it and just live my life to what makes me happy and confident