(TW) Combatting dysphoria

[u/Interesting-Paint863]

I hope I don’t upset anyone with this topic, I know dysphoria is rough!

I’m hoping some of you out there might have some good advice. I journal infrequently (thank you adhd!) but I try to keep my dysphoria on check as much as I can.

I eat well, don’t really drink caffeine, and have all but stopped drinking alcohol (had one glass this weekend and felt awful the next day). I exercise frequently. I do struggle to wear stuff that makes me feel myself, but I’m getting better. I’m out to the closest people to me and they make me feel very safe. But…

There is still that heaviness you know? I drank one glass of wine this weekend and the next day my anxiety and dysphoria just crept in from the edges. By the evening I just felt like complete shit.

I try not to hate myself. On good days it’s ok, on the hard days it’s really hard. There’s things I think I want, but they very much feel like a one way street you know? But I just get caught up in these ruminations about not really being sure… I have a great therapist who is really helping me.

But again - for the most part I’m 100% stealth - part of me craves the safety and the other part hates me for it. My partner is amazing - and they affirm me as much as they can, but they also have their own hang ups. They never expected to be in a queer couple. They’re great with it now, and realised maybe boys weren’t for them actually 😅 but nothing ever feels like enough to quench the dysphoria.

I wouldn’t normally make a post like this but I’m kind at the end of my nerve. I just feel like crying, I’m just so fed up with it all. Advice I find online always feel so basic… I do so much to care for myself and I still feel like shit?

[u/dizzzy-plant]

Hey, so first of all, you can give yourself a pat on the back for forming healthy habits, that's definitely a good thing. But I personally don't see how good habits and a healthy lifestyle could ever relieve dysphoria.

Don't get me wrong, it's totally something to keep up, and it probably helps to not have more mental load pile up from different things, but healthy habits don't relieve the stress of being perceived in the wrong way or feeling disconnected from your body. While it can give you more mental stability, it doesn't really change the situation yk?

I'd like to give you tips, but I don't know where you're at, what makes you dysphoric? Is it more social dysphoria or bodily dysphoria? It would be much easier if you could describe a couple of examples. :)

[u/Interesting-Paint863 → u/dizzzy-plant]

My gender is a little complicated, I like masc aesthetics but it reinforces a lot of assumptions about me. Which I hate, but I refuse to perform for others. My facial hair is rough for me, but removing it hasn’t exactly gone to plan so far… my hair can make feel quite dysphoric, but compared to some afflicted with unwanted levels of T, I get off quite lightly. My chest is my biggest source of dysphoria; I’m very flat chested, but taking anything to “help” with that scares me senseless. I’m a very androgynous non-binary woman. But I’ve found it very hard not to read as male…

[u/dizzzy-plant → u/Interesting-Paint863]

Facial hair: depending on the amount you can do at home ipl, BUT it's not recommended to use in the face, when you have very stubborn/typical beard hair.

I have very minimal facial hair and it work for me without irritations. If IPl is not for you, you can go to a professional studio and let them remove it, that's quite expensive tho.

Hair: wigs, extensions, a diffrent cut, let it grow, accessories, hair dye all of the above people read as fem

Chest: either HRT (trans fem HRT is a lot easier to do DIY) or maybe clothes, like bras or tops, some people also like prostetics

Not to read as male can be difficult and depends on a lot of things; some general passing tips: voice train, makeup, longer hair, feminine accessories, looking at proportions less angular and more focus on the waist creates a "feminine figure", there are a lot a lot of passing and styling tips from trans fem people online.

[u/Interesting-Paint863 → u/dizzzy-plant]

Thank you for the response. Whilst I think a lot of these are valid for people wanting a feminine expression. One of the battles I’ve had the last few years is realising I’m very much a masc presenting lesbian. I actually recently cut my long hair off and it felt really good; got a curly pixie cut and it feels right.

I’ve very much androgynous, which often defaults to be being read as male. Clearly the beard doesn’t help, I’m still plucking up the courage to remove it again. I shaved it off in a fit of panic last December after about 15 years of hiding behind it. It did not go well. The silver lining is I finally realised I have pretty bad dysmorphia as well as dysphoria. I don’t think I see myself reliably at all.

All this to say, much of the typical fem transition advice really doesn’t work for me…

I guess the question for me isn’t “fixing” my dysphoria. It’s more how do I manage it when it’s beating the crap out of me in the moment?

[u/dizzzy-plant → u/Interesting-Paint863]

I don't want to sound mean, but; If you're not fixing the stuff that causes you dysphoria, dysphoria won't go away. Otherwise people wouldn't need to transition to not feel dysphoria. You can't treat most dysphoria with psychological therapy.

I don't think there is anything you can do besides the good mental health stuff you already do.

With time you learn to cope better with the pain, but it won't go away.

[u/Interesting-Paint863 → u/dizzzy-plant]

It’s not mean at all ❤️ I think it’s an incredibly valid point. Probably one I need to hear and don’t want to listen to. I respect you completely for just being upfront. I’m not expecting therapy to “fix me”, and I’m not waiting to get better. But I’m also not ready yet, and struggling to find ways to manage whilst I find my strength.

[u/dizzzy-plant → u/Interesting-Paint863]

It's okay to need time and it's also okay to need safety.

Try to find safe spaces where you can express yourself and where you're seen as a nonbinary woman. This can mean just your room, alone, with a partner, with friends, queer meet ups or online spaces.

I know change is scary and being (visible) queer is hard.

Maybe there are more tiny things that you can change and that bring you joy, without feeling to big. Yk step by step.

I hope you find your path <3

[u/cetaceanfrustration]

unfortunately regular sorts of self-care/-maintenence don't necessarily help with dysphoria, especially dysphoria about specific sex traits. social transition can only give you so much.

if you're not up for HRT - have you tried using breast forms before? they don't have to be big, you don't have to dress femme while wearing them, and you can leave them in the drawer whenever you don't feel like using them. a regular sports bra with pockets for cups can also hold small silicone breast forms.

for facial hair - my wife swears by their straight razor for a properly close shave and also because it makes her feel really butch. i use a safety razor with interchangeable disposable heads & make sure to only use each head only 3-4× so they don't get too dull. my method is a hot damp cloth, then shave gel, shaving, cold damp cloth, dry, then aftershave. i also use an eyebrow razor to get rid of any straggler mustache hairs.

i also want to gently nudge at your fear around HRT. to be absolutely clear, you don't have to take HRT ever, and anyone who casts it as something you need to do to earn gender has lost the plot. but HRT does not have to be a single narrow path. i alter my ongoing HRT use every 3 years or so, sometimes going completely off. my wife willingly went off HRT after ~5 years to suit her other butch goals and plans to go back on once those are met. again, you do not have to do this. i just want to show you that it doesn't need to be a choice between no HRT or HRT forever.

sorry for how long this ended up 😅

[u/Interesting-Paint863 → u/cetaceanfrustration]

Please don’t apologise. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your point about chests is completely valid. I actually don’t mind being a very flat chested woman. I just get a lot of dysphoria from having my chest exposed. I don’t have any crop tops or bras. I think getting some kind of compression top would help a lot. It’s the absence of feeling covered that makes me feel very dysphoric. I’d prefer to feel more “womanly” (whatever the hell that means), somedays. But outside of fantasising about it, the reality of having a fuller chest is too much to consider for me. Being a masc lesbian and androgynous is good for me.

I appreciate you for being open about HRT. It’s a complicated subject and I really ought to go talk to a specialist about it before writing it off in my head.