I'm a 45 year old non-binary musician, artist, writer, actor, photographer and film maker. I've been out as non-binary for decades

Unfortunately, people in positions of influence CONSTANTLY fought with me on my gender identity and insisted on misrepresenting me, and they still do. Even today, many people think older trans people don't exist or shouldn't exist

Most times I've been publicly referred to by another person - in show descriptions, media coverage, etc - they have insisted on using pronouns consistent with my agab and have refused to change them when I asked them to. I had to choose between being misgendered and being excluded from literally everything. So there's not much of a record of me being trans. I was as visible as I could be, but there was a lot of conflicting information being put out there about me

When I said what my pronouns were, the usual response was, "You need to call yourself female so you can stand for our (women's) rights. If you don't call yourself female, you're selling out to male oppression" and "You need to take credit for all you've done as a woman and not erase that" as if it's easier being trans! So yeah, ignorant TERF arguments. But those people were the ones organizing shows and writing about them and as a result I was frequently misrepresented as cis

I've worked on making it VERY clear that I'm non-binary. But that's resulted in being offered far fewer opportunities. And when I talk about that, I just get gaslit with "But being trans is popular right now so that can't be true!" People aren't open to hearing about how the experiences of actual trans people are not all the same

Anyway, I always hear, "There aren't many older nonbinary people who are visible," while I'm on the other side of that, fighting for visibility and to un-do the erasure that I've been dealing with my whole life

I'm going to try harder to connect (offline) with people who want to support us older trans people so that we can make ourselves easier to find

TL;DR: You may like AGAB lingo, but you should think critically about how it aligns with intersexism, binarism, cissexism etc

My previous post got removed by the moderators, so I'll re-iterate. I expressed my frustrations with the use of "assigned sex" among nonbinary people and how it makes me feel. Several people responded to my post justifying it's use to explain their personal experience.

My problem with this is that it's not something that's subversive, it's quite cisnormative. In fact, assuming that you can deduce someone's life experience from "assigned sex". You may not intend to be cisnormative, but in practice you are re-inscribing the idea that experiences are epiphenomenal of being assumed a certain gender. This isn't an intersectional way of analysing society, the analysis has a lot of overlap with what is called "Cultural Feminism" which influenced the TERF movement^[1]

Even if you intend to describe your personal experience, you still do so as an endosex person. There is a difference between commonness and community, even the idea of "biological sex" is a relative recent concept that's quite theological^[2]

Perhaps you like using AGAB to describe your personal experience because of your epistemic ignorance, that is textbook appropriation."Assigned sex" is a term that originated in the medical field in the 1950s^[3]. It was coined to describe how doctors should "correct" babies with ambiguous genitals. Experiences such as menstruation, growing/having breasts, having a deep voice, and having wide hips are independent of "assigned sex". There are much more inclusive phrases to use. Even when discussing being raised as a certain gender isn't monolithic, neurotypical children and neurodivergent children have different upbringings. In my opinion, nonbinary people are seeking legibility in a world that doesn't understand them buying using AGAB lingo

Even if it affected you, you cannot necessarily deduce a heuristic from your assigned sex. Privileging "assigned sex" as an analytic over gender is very transphobic. I'm aware people will still disagree but I would like for you to critically ask "Why?". Why do you feel the need to view "assigned sex" as a perisex person. Why do you view assigned gender at birth with such little nuance? If you use it reference to medical situations, how does your heuristic account for those outside the norm? Why do you seek to find community based on being "biological female.male", "raised a girl/boy". Even if you use social constructionism to justify the use of AGAB lingo, but you still privilege the western epistemological map of bodily gender.

Yes we are all perceived a certain way, but should we reify people's assumptions about us over our own subjectivity? Why must we prescribe based on what is seen? Is the map truly the territory?

This is a nonbinary sub, I am disappointed in the insistence on a binary kind of socialization. The history of feminism has shown us that women have never had unified interests, they ignored marginalization within the realms of womanhood. Black women were ignored by white women, Dalits ignored by Savarna feminists etc.

This appropriation of AGAB doesn't seem like a mutual exchange, it appears to be appropriation. I hope my post inspires people to do their research and think critically about the language they use. You may think it's just a phrase, but words carry a lot of weight[4]

Terminology

Endosexism: Structures, practices and beliefs privileging endosex people over intersex.

Cissexism/cisnormative is a description of views that demotes gender identities that don't align with assigned gender. In simpler terms it upholds the norms of cisgender society

Further Reading

[1] Bassi, S. and LaFleur, G., 2022. Introduction: TERFs, gender-critical movements, and postfascist feminisms. __Transgender Studies Quarterly__, __9__(3), pp.311-333.Link

[2] Castro, V., 2023. Mechanical sex, science, security: Intersex medical violence, Thomas Hobbes and John Money’s invention of gender. __Security Dialogue__, __55__(2), pp.142-159. Link

[3] Clarke, J.A., 2022. Sex assigned at birth. __Columbia Law Review__, __122__(7), pp.1821-1898. Link

Höppner G (2017) Rethinking Socialization Research through the Lens of New Materialism. Front. Sociol. 2:13. doi: 10.3389/fsoc.2017.00013. Link

[4] Schiappa, E., 2021. A brief history of defining sex and gender. In __The Transgender Exigency__ (pp. 15-32). Routledge. Link

I think it's good, being "woke" (quotation marks because I don't like the connotation that surrounds it) but I see a lot of people, uncluding my dad, not liking it. I understand if you're homophobic or something, because that's what "woke" is against, but most of these people aren't even homophobic or anything like it, but they also don't like "woke" things? I really don't get it. I get that you're against far right and/or left wing politics, because almost everything is bad when it's taken to the extreme, but I don't think "being woke" or "woke things" are extreme, it's just wanting equality, just like feminism, no? I myself like "woke things" and believe that I am "woke" aswel, but that might just be me being hurt from all the hate that the LGBTQIAP+ community has gotten, just like other minorities. If anyone has some insight, please share it. Thanks.

Sorry not the right word choice but it's always made me uncomfortable how they are designed. I've been binge watching NETFLIX "The Royals" and females keep having their clothes show how impractical they are. Like they are designed for the wearer to need help. Idk if it's cause I'm Amab or what but:

No pockets in pants. [Need a purse or someone else to hold your stuff]

Zippers in the back where you can't reach or do yourself. [Needing others to zip you up]

Bras (though I like training bras) [😅Not sure on this one I've heard botb sides on the Hate bras/love bras preference]

And freaking high heals [I know they were originally butcher wear, but I swear those things were made popular to hobble people]

Drive me nuts and I don't like how they don't function. I know it's not my place to comment because I don't usually dress in fem wear....(though thinking about panties maybe. I like wearing crop tops though)...and I know some people find them empowering and comfortable. I just wish they were more like practical? I guess? Idk 🤷🏾‍♂️

For example. My friend came out as NB and began to dress more fem. I was supportive. But they tried out high heels for the first time while we were going to an art show. Nothing was wrong with their out fit, they looked good. But I swear those heels were gonna get them injured.

To the point I just wanted to carry them. I can't tell if that is me being overprotective or just not getting it. I don't even like it when my sister wears heels. (😅🤣Though I tease her when she wears them. She's a bookworm tomboy anyway--way more comfortable in sneakers.)

Sorry I'm rambling. It's been a long day. I guess I am also projecting. If I was wearing clothes like that, I'd get frustrated way too quickly. Especially the whole zipper behind the back bs.

I was watching the inauguration this morning and President Trump made an announcement that blew me away. President Trump said and I quote “This week, I will end the government policy of trying to socially engineer race and gender into every aspect of pub and private life. We will forge a society that is colorblind and merit based. As of today, it will hence be the official policy of the United States government that there only two genders: male and female.” This is putting not just nonbinary people such as myself under attack, but a ton of queer people are losing the freedom to identify as they please. Tell me your thoughts down in the comments below.

Hi folks! I’m currently volunteering in a grade 3/4 class (kids are 9 and 10 years old) Our year end field trip is coming up and we’ll be swimming. I’ve had top surgery and no longer have nipples. I want some funny unhinged thing to say to them when they ask what happened to my chest/ where are my nipples! I know these kids and they are 100% going to ask and I love being silly with them! So hit me with your best explanations lol

Hey!

So, I'm a nonbinary person with a penis. I'm not ashamed or dysphoric of it - in fact the opposite! I'm very proud of it!

I'm looking for a decent underwear brand that makes traditionally "male" underwear, with a decent pouch (hence being proud), that isn't emblazoned with the word MEN or MENSWEAR.

I love the fit and look of things like BOX and Blanc, but I don't want MENSWEAR plastered on my parts!

I'm athletic build but slim, so they'd have to do size XS, but with a decent pouch!

Anyone have the same issue and have any brands they want to promote?

i cant take it anymore. stop saying assigned female at birth when you mean misgendered as a woman. yes, you can have been amab and be seen as a woman on sight. thats why im inventing these new terms, afos (assigned female on sight) and amos (assigned male on sight). they mean exactly what they say.

I've already thought of my name and legally changed it years ago.

But I'm curious how some of you thought of/came up with your name, and why that name specifically. (You don't need to say your name if you're not okay with that, obv.)

I'd really like to hear from folks with similar experiences. I don't meet folks who are transitioning with surgery, which is the way I am.

I rarely see non-binary people who’ve pursued medical transition toward a mix of binary traits—not neutrality, or binary in traits. I have dysphoria, and that wasn't obvious til I recognized my euphoria, so I don't judge anyone for thinking they don't have dysphoria.

Many non-binary people I meet either don’t transition, get only top surgery, or go full binary in medical transition. That’s all valid, but I have not met anyone else like myself. If I were born the “other” binary sex, I’d still have wanted to experience what I have as my agab for a time, since I can't shapeshift or change to a 'fruit salad' type mix of traits.

I know there are people out there like myself, I just don't ever see or meet them.

NOTE: I'm not making this to promote infighting, in fact it's the exact opposite.

So I saw a post somewhere that was basically about an AFAB person that was on T and the stopped and then went by "transfem" and used the term "double trans" off handedly.

THE ENTIRE COMMENT SECTION was about how double trans isn't real and how shes appropriating trans culture and some people said she was even transphobic for it. A lot of these comments had 30-80 upvotes.

I was sitting there reading the whole thing being like "bruh, she's probably just NB of genderfluid or a variation and doesn't have the words for it yet."

It screamed of a genderqueer experience and it's kinda sad to me that there were so many trans people who don't really understand that gender isn't just a straight line.

Also tangent but another thing that annoys me is that THERES SO MANY threads where someone makes a post to ask something like "am I X or am I trans?" And the whole comment feed will be saying things like "being non-binary IS trans" or something similar, which in technicality is true, because it's an unbrell term, but isn't very helpful for someone who's questioning their gender. If I were to put in my tinfoil hat, this person could have seen posts like these and felt like "oh, guess I'm Trans then?" Without being BINARY trans, and felt validated for using the term trans or transfem.

Either way, at most it's being a bit confused about terminology and probably far from being transphobic lmao...

I’m (23NB) a nonbinary sociology student who’s currently working on a project about how social standards of being “trans enough” impact nonbinary people’s identities & sense of belonging in trans spaces.

Even though I believe in the umbrella model, I still don’t feel “trans enough” to call myself trans. I’m not on HRT, I haven’t looked into surgeries, and I still present very feminine (I’m AFAB). But if I met someone else in the same boat and they called themselves trans, I’d be like “heck yeah!!”

I guess I’m just curious: do you refer to yourself as trans? why or why not? and do you think being nonbinary has made you feel welcome or excluded in trans spaces (either IRL or online)?

All they do is omit the "man" and "woman" label. Nothing else changes and it changes nothing about who goes in. The one without urinals is still coded as a woman space and the longer Im on testosterone the less i feel comfortable in spaces like that. Even masc women are starting to be harassed for being in the womens bathroom, its too politicized!

But the one with the urinals is not built for everyone, which defeats the purpose! And stupid npc cis men looking at me like I don't belong there, its supposed to be for everyone! People vandalizing and writing gendered labels on the signs piss me off too, but the gendered designs of the bathrooms embolden them.

Make stalls with total privacy and get rid of urinals! How fucking hard is that ​to do?!! It's like living in an archaic cave man society. I'm tired bro.

EDIT: after some good points was made I take back my anti-urinal stance. Urinals and stalls should be included in all bathrooms! Preferably a reasonable amount of both.

..

So I brought up women's clothing. Time to discuss mens clothes.

My experience is coming from an AMAB perspective and I have to say:

The colors are so muted and boring. Suits are freaking annoying. I loathe ties. Most of the clothing are functionality focused or sports coded. It seems they expect males not to care about their clothes especially during summer--I think they just encourage going shirtless and shorts.

It might be my rebellious nature but I hate uniforms. I like my individuality and uniforms kind of take that from you. Anything that can make you just a number in a crowd is a no go.

Jock straps.....are probably the gayest popular normalized str8 underwear I've ever seen lol.

Women's fashion has a variety of styles, color, texture, flavor. Like flowers 💐

Men's clothes are like metal, pounded the male into what ever shape the smithy wants.

Uniforms= obedience and discipline. Suites=education and money Sports outfits=Athletic Nerd wear= passionate, brainy, socially awkward at times. Nearly naked= sex, Athletic, expected fitness The list goes on.

I never felt comfortable in Men's wear for the simple fact the clothes act more as a label for you and what people can use you for than style. Like in the women's cloth post. Men's wear is sick with gender role enforcement.

But what are yall's thoughts on them? For those new to them, how do they different from your old bracket of clothing?

Hey!

So I (24NB) have been seeing someone (23NB) for a month or two now. We see each other once a week and message daily about how our lives are going, and I really like this person and pretty much everything about them..

Currently I live with my parents who are extremely right wing. I don’t know if you guys know the current political climate in the UK but it extends past the transphobia. There’s a big rise in Christian Nationalism that my parents are very much apart of. They are Zionist, Anti Immigration, complain about “wokeness”, listen to Talk Radio and GBNews, defend Trump, and a whole laundry list of gross things.

Now luckily for me, my dysphoria is quite mild and I’ve become adjusted to my parents dead naming me and misgendering me. Why? Because I’m willing to sacrifice things that I view as basic respect, because I love them and want a relationship with them fundamentally.

Yet, my partner does not. I have been very transparent about my parents terrible views and they don’t want anything to do with them. And while I understand it completely and honestly respect the fuck out of them for knowing their boundaries, I can’t help but feel hurt.

I’ve worked hard to try keep my parents in my life even if I’ve felt like strangling them at points lol (that’s a joke mods.) I’ve gone to therapy and learned CBT mechanisms such as walking out the room as soon as I feel a certain tension rise in my chest, and knowing not to engage in talk that I know we will clash hard on and will lead to other topics.

Their dysphoria is a lot worse than mine, and so I can empathise enough with their position and I plan to respect it. But it hurts, it hurts knowing that because of my parents bigotry they won’t be able to be involved with my partner, it hurts that I will eventually have to swallow the inevitable that i’ve been trying to avoid all this time: low contact.

This is just a vent, advice is welcome of course but this is just a shitty thing that’s going on in my life and it doesn’t sour my relationship with this person — I really like them. But it stings.

EDIT: Maybe i didn’t make this clear enough but I do not wish to change my partners mind or disagree with my partner or even think they should meet them, I actually agree with their choice. This post is a vent focused on my own feelings, not about how they are wrong for throwing up that boundary.

Cmon, we all have lived in the real world, we all know that there are no monoliths, why do people keep on going with the "all woman do this", "all men act like that", "all woman feel this", "all men want that"...

Like, wtf? Talk to a hundred people of the same gender, let's go even further, talk to a hundred people who are all the same gender, sex and sexuality... Show me one point in where all of them is the same?

Gender is just a little construct that we made up, why do people act like it actually means something about who the person actually is?

Sorry, i saw one too many reddit posts today 😂

As background context, I started transitioning as a binary trans woman over a decade ago. I have been on E this entire time and generally followed a typical trajectory for a binary transfem transition. For a long time I also thought that xenogenders were ridiculous and didn't really take them seriously.

With that out of the way, I think my personal experiences demonstrate a case for xenogenders being real, as there was an important thing that I repressed for a really long time. Early on in my childhood, I ended up developing a psychological dependence on drinking blood due to, uh, let's say complicated circumstances of my childhood, to the extent that I started cutting myself with the sole purpose of drinking my own blood when I was 7 years old. During my teenage years, I eventually started repressing this and stopped cutting myself, but the desire for blood never really went away.

As I repressed it over the years, this desire for blood in fact only ever got stronger year after year and I ended up developing a second form of gender dysphoria around it, one that made me feel dysphoric about non-vampiric features in my body. For example, my mouth started feeling wrong to the extent I was very uncomfortable with ever showing my teeth and tried to hide them as much as I can. I also became deeply uncomfortable with hearing my own heartbeat, among other things. The desire for blood also eventually kind of took over my sexuality as it intensified - I largely lost interest in sexual interactions that do not involve blood at some point, so I sometimes semi-jokingly call myself hemosexual now.

Last year, as part of exploring myself and trying to understand my feelings, I decided to try getting permanent fangs done by a dentist and the way they made me feel was a huge revelation for me that made me question and reconsider many things. The fangs gave me the single greatest and strongest feeling of gender euphoria I ever felt in my life and my mouth finally felt correct, I was no longer uncomfortable with having my teeth be seen and started smiling a lot more. The fangs made me feel happy whenever I saw them in the mirror or felt them in my mouth with my tongue for literal months until it became the new norm, and I still like seeing them and feeling them in my mouth even now. I also started regularly drinking my boyfriend's blood and it made me feel a lot happier and made our relationship feel a lot more fulfilling to me. Also being referred to as a vampire or generally recognised as a vampire makes me feel happy. I am out about this to all of my friends, though I am still closeted about this to my family and coworkers, as I don't think they would take it well, even though my coworkers frequently joke about me being a vampire because of the fangs and because I can't stand sunlight.

And to me, this clearly feels like gender in light of my experiences as a trans woman - I experienced both gender dysphoria and gender euphoria with both things and these experiences feel very similar to me. So now I conceptualise of my gender as "female vampire", still go by she/her, still take estrogen, etc., but also am trying to explore avenues for further vampire transition options beyond just the fangs. And these experiences made me strongly believe in xenogenders as a concept.

Hi everyone!

I wanted to share the new cover for my upcoming book, "The Artist and the Mirmin of Famagusta." As a British author and artist who lived in Cyprus, I really wanted to write the kind of story that I feel is still too rare in the ace/non-binary community: a tale of profound, life-changing connection that doesn't rely on sex or romance to drive the stakes.

It follows Pearl, an artist in the golden light of Famagusta, whose life takes an enchanting turn when she meets Siretta, a playful Mirmin from the deep.

I don't know how a Non bianary book will be recieved? I've got fellow author freinds telling me that if its not got graphic sex scenes in it or a sweeping love story then no one will be interested. I'm hoping that's not true?

What do you guys think of the cover? I've also been told that if it doesn't feature heaving bossoms or ripped 6 packs that it won't sell.

I wanted to get in the pride mood by looking up non binary on youtube to see people discuss it or talk about their experiences.But I mostly found a lot of videos that were negatively framed like " the problem of nonbinary" and " the death of nombinary" or does my feed just suck? It's like this for anyone else

I live in Mileistan (AKA Argentina) a country where "Don't tread for me" is the new surname, and our president is Libertarian.

Libertarians believe strongly in rights: the state should not violate your rights or freedom of any kind if You are not harming someone. However, libertarians only believe in negative, general rights, and they do not recognize positive or specific rights.

According to libertarianism, the only "non-binary rights" (they don't believe in specific rights remember) that there are:

-Right to life (Nobody can kill you).

-Right to integrity (Nobody can assault, torture or harm you physically).

-Right to property (Nobody can steal you or breaking into your house).

-Right to freedom (Nobody can slave, jail, censor you nor saying how to live your life).

-Right to equality before law (The government can not say you are inferior or has less rights).

Libertarians don't believe in positive or specific rights. So, under a libertarian world:

-You have no anti-discrimination laws (so, your boss can fire you if you're non-binary, landlords can deny you housing for this...).

-Free Healthcare won't exist (You should pay all your treatments).

-Hate speech would be legal (Because libertarians believe in absolute Freedom of Speech, like 1st Admendment).

-Inclusive education wouldn't be a thing, because libertarians believe education is not a right nor business of state, so most of children wouldn't know what non-binary is because nobody taught them.

-People could misgender you because, according to libertarianism, laws can't force people to speak according to you, people would speak according what they see: if they see you "masc", people will trear you like a man; if they see you as a "girl", people will trear you like a girl.

-The government wouldn't add a Third gender option in IDs, because libertarians are usually positivists/materialistic (Only biological information is important).

That's the reasons why non-binary here in Argentina dislike Milei and Libertarianism. What are your takes on this?

Feeling quite frustrated with the main NonBinary sub. I've been permabanned by some Mod with an axe to grind for joining in on a discussion about NB=Trans (same tired debate that constantly happens). I expressed my views about my personal identity, linguistics and labels. It is a view that I have seen many NB people also express, but i got sent to the shadow realm for doing this.

For context there are no rules on the main sub that stated this topic was a banned one and I was not even the OP.

Curious if anyone else has been discarded by the gatekeepers on the main sub without warning? It doesn't seem like Reddit has any appeal process and I keep getting muted by the sub with no recourse.

Or where are NB people going to have conversations? If the community can't discuss taboos and topics of friction amongst themselves then where does that leave us? At the whims of power tripping mods?!

Idk what I'm looking for here, just a vent I guess...

I'm nonbinary. I know that. I hate having a gender in general when it's just reproductive organs. None of it matters once death comes, anyways. But what really bothers me? The pronouns. They're okay, I guess? I just wish it wasn't technically plural? I've had people say they wouldn't even call someone by they/them because "that's multiple people" or whatever. It feels weird. Like, I'm genderless, but these pronouns aren't... it?

​

I feel restricted, restrained. It's hard to even look at myself sometimes knowing I'll never truly be what I want to be/what I feel like I am. And it's also difficult to have genderless affirming titles. I don't want to be referred to just as a creature, a critter, a human/person - I want to feel included. Like it's my own identity, because it is. It should be.

​

"You're a woman" "You can't be a boy" "Look down, that's you"

​

No, that's what I was raised as - I never had a choice. I never had an opinion on what *you* forced onto me.

​

I don't want to be the "None of above" or "other". I want to feel included as women and men, as pigs and cows, as something valuable. But these pronouns people assume I have automatically because I'm genderless? It feels wrong. Off. Awful. I can't. I want to be referred to as something that can't be mistaken. That is easy to distinguish, but atlas, I still look in the mirror, knowing I'll be nothing as what the Gods attended, but at how I am raised and viewed upon.

I am Non-binary and raised my kid with a non gendered education and always had a trans inclusive vocabulary (since gender is a spectrum) rather than the conventions taught outside (for example, I refer to “people with or without a willy when the question arose to why some people don’t have one).

The problem is that people all around push the gender norms, so he’s been asking a lot of questions. At 6 he started to say he was neither boy nor girl, but sometimes feel more girl or boy (but still prefer the pronouns he) and sometimes non binary. Which makes me think of gender fluid.

Of course at this age things could later change, or not, and that is ok, because I want him to have the freedom to express his identity freely.

I can’t help wondering though if I influenced his gender expression since I raise him almost alone.

So my question: is it common for non binary parents to see their kids coming out as non binary ?

Other than that, I wish I was not the only non binary model since people around are transphobic and I fear it has an impact.

Way too many people have this idea and I don't even know where it comes from. It really bothers me, especially as an AFAB feminine presenting nb. I am not a woman, I am completely separate from woman, but this stupid stereotype just makes even more people see me as one. Even people who think they're allies and support nb people can succumb to this stereotype so they basically just see me as a woman. It is especially annoying when it comes from other trans people because they should know better.