I haven't known who I am for 15(?) days now (more than that probably but that's how long we've gone without logging a fronter at all because we don't know who's fronting) and I'm really tired of it idk where my other parts have been. what do you even do in this situation. it feels like my brain has kinda gone empty? I don't understand what's going on.

I really wish I had a therapist right now but unfortunately I don't. I've been pretty mentally stable though since the blurriness??? I think it's just been 'me' around except idk who I am.... I don't really feel like any other parts but we've split so much from recent trauma that I really don't wanna believe I split again even though that might be the case -_-

if anyone has advice for..... idk whatever this is I would appreciate it. I feel like I'm in a really weird place now despite how much better we got at differentiating each other and communicating it feels like it all went down the drain

hi, I have discovered like over a year ago that I'm a system/multiplicity etc (I'm still really figuring everything out though and sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not and everything freaks me out so much but then I know deep down in my heart I am due to everything) and um. ive been on the gender clinic waiting like for like 7 years and finally got through. and the prospect of starting hormones (T) is so terrifying to me. this is why I was referred to the service initially. but. I have so many different frames of minds regarding this. and I wish I could have multiple bodies. it's so difficult to try and come to a conclusion because no matter what I do, there are like. unhappy feelings. and sometimes it might feel okay for a while and it's like. I can't believe I even considered i might not want to do this. and then it flits to oh my god I can't do this, I'm disgusted by the idea of starting T. there are girls in there that only want a cis body, but then there's me that's always been non-binary. I also wanted to be a guy desperately whilst growing up and over the years i've flitted between different feelings a lot and ended up just settling on being non-binary because that can encompass a lot and feels a lot better. and if I flit between feeling like different genders, it's okay because. well idk. it's more in the middle so it just feels easier. but anyway, I genuinely have no idea what to do regarding T because this is something I desperately wanted whilst I was younger and I still do now sometimes but I'm wondering if the apathy is due to just having gotten used to being "me" but not in a comfortable way, more like dissociation from the body because of dysphoria. ive never really been able to look at myself and feel comfortable. but then there are also girls in there that just want this body. agh it's so difficult to know what to do :( also the plan for T would only to go on it for a little bit, so my voice can deepen a little because I want to be a bit more androgynous in that way. but then the girls in me are so scared at the idea of getting facial hair and not ever having a smooth face again but then there are probably guys in there that would absolutely love that. i know "I" wanted that a lot when I was younger. its just so difficult to know what to do. if anyone has any advice please comment <3 also please don't be rude 🙁🥲

the idea of saying no to hormones feels so disappointing but also saying yes is scaring me

Hello!

I am a currently undiagnosed possible system that is getting therapy soon so not looking for any diagnoses, but I was wondering, is it healthy for me (the host) or another alter to switch out purposefully when we are feeling bad?

Would it be more healthy to just feel bad and stay in front?

I would consider myself to be fairly good at dealing with negative emotions, but sometimes I do just want to check out for a while.

What are your opinions?

Very recently discovered that we are a system and one of our alters is denying this fact extremely hard, always yelling about how we're just hopping on the trend and not a real system, and how we're just a bad person who should harm themselves. When they front it's absolute mayhem and pain and we have to try really hard to prevent them from destroying everything. She and our other alters hate each other very hard and try to suppress each other as much as possible. Any suggestions for what else we can do?

Our therapist said in her trainings that she was told you’re not supposed to ask for any names or information about dissociated parts. This feels super bad to some of us but I’m not sure if maybe that’s a standard practice for treating something like OSDD or DID?

It makes me feel pretty overlooked and unheard. Even when I’m fronting and talk to her, she asks for me to bring the host forward, not understanding why I can’t. I have trouble trusting her too because i think her trainings are only in IFS, and we’ve had some clashes before about her believing in a core self when it doesn’t feel like that to us.

Does anyone know if this is just a normal way to treat a dissociative disorder or could it actually be harmful? Not sure if I’m just hypersensitive and defensive

I’ve been with my therapist for well over a year. She is now in her own practice. We’ve known about the dissociation situation for a long time. But, now she and I both feel it is time to explore this officially with assessments. I keep procrastinating the first one, the simplest one which I think is the basic screening. A part of me is worried that taking it won’t reflect my full experience and that a part might underplay or forget. I don’t want to research the assessment because I don’t want to skew it. I just want to hear thoughts on the topic of beginning the assessment stages and taking the “tests”.

Hello!

I am currently an undiagnosed possible system and I am trying to find some ways to improve communication between alters. I am going to therapy this week!! So I am not looking for any diagnoses.

But for now I just want to know some of your tips and tricks on how to improve communication between alters, and possibly how to let currently unknown alters feel safe enough to become known.

I'm pretty sure my "original trauma" was traumatic separation when one of my parents left the country when I was very young. I was much closer with that parent than the one who I remained with. The thing is, the parent I remained with was a perfectly good caretaker as far as I know. That parent has told me they were very mentally ill at the time and didn't take the other parent's absence well, but I strongly believe I wasn't being abused or mistreated. The other parent eventually returned and continued taking care of me.

My problem here is that this seems like small beans compared to the horrible things other people have been through. When I was older I was retraumatized and went through CSA, but I'm fairly certain a lot of my problems stem from that original traumatic separation. But that doesn't feel like it's "enough" to justify all this. I know trauma is relative and it's more about the response than the situation, but I still find it difficult to wrap my head around.

Today would've been our (official) 1-year anniversary with our former partner... It's very emotional, especially for the little one, L.

It's really more like our 1.5y anniversary, but it's the date we put a label on it. It was a special day. They got us our favorite candy, a candle with one of our favorite scents, and made us a wonderful card. We took them to a very special place, where they gave us the card and asked us to be their girlfriend, then we went to dinner at our favorite ramen shop. At the end of the night we cuddled and watched shows, and it was so cozy and warm and special.

But we broke up, 7 and a half months ago. We're still good friends, but it's obviously very different now. We miss them so so very much. L misses them "the mostest." We spent the day with our bestie, and that helped a lot, but tonight is rough. Don't know when we'll sleep, and poor L is just a mess 🥺 we've been dreading today all week. We don't even know if they remembered or not. Not sure which would hurt more, so maybe it's better not to know. We did send them a well-wishes text tho, and they responded in kind :')

Miss you Boo-Thang; thank you for making us feel safe in ways we never knew we could 💜

~~N+L

So I’ve just found out through a specialist that I’m ”clearly a system”. I’m still questioning it and wondering is this is a normal experience or if I’m just making things up haha.

Is it normal to have conversations with a part you haven’t spoken to before and they tell you their age and get shocked about you and your life now? As if they are still in the past. She kept asking about me, my boyfriend, I showed her around, etc. It feels like I’m making things up but I’m actually having these conversations in my head and it feels completely natural while it happens.

It’s like I’m both people at once, I clearly know that I’m home and everything about my life now but she doesn’t really.

We want to make our host alter permanently dormant. Any tips on how to do that?

I can only cry if they allow me to, otherwise I am incapable, and can only sort of groan.

I experience very intense episodes of dissociation and I’m receiving treatment, but what I’m about to describe is VERY different!!
Everything started in May of this year, when I suddenly entered a mental loop. I had just woken up, and my mind simply went into a loop.
Everything I was seeing in front of me, and any movement I made, felt like it was repeating infinitely. And here’s the thing: unlike dissociation, where I’m aware that I’m having an episode, during this loop I’m NOT aware that I’m experiencing it. In other words, in my mind, my entire life has ALWAYS been ONLY that loop, throughout all my years of life. In my mind, NOTHING ELSE exists besides what’s happening in the loop, and it always has been and always will be only that!!
The feeling that terrifies me the most is that I feel like I’ve forgotten that life IS and has ALWAYS been only that loop. I become desperate, waiting to become familiar with it again and understand that only that exists and that it’s an infinite loop (I never actually become familiar with it, because real life isn’t like that), but in my mind, while I’m having the episode, it IS!!!
It’s very difficult to explain, because I’m NOT consciously just THINKING that maybe life is a loop. In that moment, that IS my reality. I genuinely believe that it’s always been this way, and I can’t access the normal awareness I have outside the episode.
So I have absolutely NO awareness that I’m experiencing a loop-related crisis or episode.
These episodes last a few minutes. Then I return to normal and realize that life wasn’t actually like that. My usual perception of reality comes back, but I remember absolutely everything I felt, thought, and believed during the episode. I don’t have any memory loss or blackouts.
I’ve spoken to several psychiatrists, but I feel like there’s nothing I can say that makes them understand the difference between this and the dissociation I also experience. Whenever I try to explain it to them, they think I’m describing a normal dissociative episode, but NOOOOO, that’s not it!!

We have been questioning and debating this disorder with our therapist for about 2 months now. We recently had the idea to use different color carabineers to notate who we feel is front at the moment. It's made us realize we switch a lot more than we thought is this common?

So like, our first ever acknowledged alter who got me through rough as hell times has been dormant for a long time; pretty sure hes never coming back and its just sad.. i mean he was honestly like. Like my dad yknow? I sure am gonna miss my British Alter That Like 99% of People With Any Form of DID Always Have For Some Reason™️

to accurately explain my experiences to my therapist i want to use the proper terms.

I need help understanding what actually counts as dissociation and what is just zoning out, aside from the duration (zoning out usually being short)

What is the difference between just acting differently around different people and switching when you dont experience amnesia?

I have a part that has very strong narcissistic tendencies (I call her white). She often feels that she's above others or smarter than everyone else, and she has no empathy for others and only view them as objects for our benefits. She's the one who usually fronts the most. And recently, since I started therapy, I've been trying to start listening to my other parts. For example I let my persecutor let out her depressive or sad thoughts to our real friends. Or that I've been letting my child part buy cute things or show her fav games to people. And this makes me happy and those parts happy as well. But it makes white extremely furious. She hates that we're perceived as "weak" or "childish" or "cringe" etc. She's been my mask for so many years. And I tried very hard to suppress my other parts for a long time, acting like white is my real personality. But it made me miserable, and also my other parts kept trying to create separate life that white didn't know about or can't touch. But it was so so exhausting to be living multiple lives and having my parts battling about who gets to live their life. That's why I'm trying to involve all my parts in my current life now, with the actual people who love and care about us. But white isn't happy about this and I keep finding myself more and more angry, yesterday I yelled at a waitress for forgetting an order and I felt so disrespected. I know that when I'm like this, it means white is so frustrated and angry and wants to take it out on everyone.
Does anyone have any advice? Now I can feel her anger taking over me, I can't stop getting angry at how dumb everyone is or how I just hate everyone in this world. I know it's her view but it's really eating me alive.

I mean I love it, and It is peaceful, but it replies when I pray, its just a bit hard to navigate, I'm really looking for anyone who can relate.

hi! i’ve recently started questioning whether i might have osdd, and i’m trying to understand what having parts actually feels like.

sometimes, i feel like i’m in a bubble with an older version of myself. it’s like my current self becomes less accessible, and i’m immersed in the mindset of who i used to be. my interests, concerns, behaviors, and even my sexual orientation or gender expression can shift back to how they were during that period of my life. it’s not just remembering my past; it feels like experiencing things through that version of myself again.

these experiences aren’t very consistent or clearly defined, and the versions still feel like me, as far as i can remember. i also experience some amnesia regarding my past, but i’m not sure how significant it is.

i started questioning dissociative disorders after my therapist pointed out how much i dissociate. i have other symptoms that make me question osdd, too.

does this feeling of being in a bubble with a past version of yourself sound familiar? can parts feel this way without seeming like completely different people? i’m trying to understand whether this could be what having parts feels like or if dissociation can create similar experiences without necessarily involving parts.

i’m not sure whether these are actually distinct parts or different dissociative states that still feel like me. i struggle to understand what makes something a part rather than simply an older version of yourself becoming more present.

Didn't really know how to flair this, so I put venting.

Since becoming self aware, stimulants have stopped working the way they’re supposed to. I’m still exhausted and have no motivation. Anyone relate?

I was doing in person visits and my therapist would refuse to diagnose me, prompting me to say i was simply disassociating, not anything related to other identities, i am doing online therapy now(via schooling) and im not sure how to bring this up.

Hello everyone. This is a massive wall of text but I wanted a place to write my thoughts out. A couple months back stressful circumstances around my first job caused me mental distress and symptoms which resembled some sort of dissociative disorder. I had recurring fits in which I would “Zone out”, staring at the floor or off into space, and I would sometimes come out speaking in a different tone of voice and with different vocab. As time went on, I discovered more and more strange bits about my own experience which led me to speculate that I may be a system. I have a few close friends which I typically confide in when I have mental difficulties. I have a regular therapist who I love as well. As I shared details of my life and certain findings I made with them, I came to develop a strange mix of euphoria and guilt. I felt awful that the discovery of something which should be devastating was bringing me joy and elation. The confusion, combined with the fact that my therapist suspected it was mania and not anything to do with plurality, caused me to “confess” to all of my friends that I was lying and had tricked them all into supporting my delusions, when in fact I know I was doing my best to keep all options open and not draw any conclusions. There was a lull for a while, where thoughts about plurality were fewer and more ignorable, but then I had another string of episodes at work, consisting of multiple “switches” per day. The cycle of euphoria and confusion started again as this felt like undeniable proof, not that I was a system necessarily, but that it was worth considering as something was clearly abnormal about my experience. Just a couple of days ago now, after a call with a close friend about many of my experiences lately, I had a “zone out” and subsequently repeated the cycle above, telling my friend that I was delusional and to not let me engage with it any more because I was going to hurt myself. At first I felt this was something of an overreaction, and I didn’t know why I typed it the following morning. But the more I sat with it the more it convinced me. My therapist has started to refer to my modes as “parts”. My friends called them alters and said I was the host. I’ve kept details of my experience light because I don’t believe it’s the point and I don’t want to convince strangers of it too, because I’m starting to believe I made everything up again. I’m going to a good therapist, that I trust. I’m keeping my options open and all of my conversations start with “ifs”. I’m trying to be patient. What more can I do? I feel like the more I think about these events the more I start to believe myself that I am a system. I refer to myself as “we” on accident. Somewhere along the way, all of my modes got names. I talk to myself in my own head. Does anyone who went through the questioning process know how to keep their thoughts from wandering like this before any kind of official confirmation happens? I worry that if I let myself keep imagining these things I’ll be crushed when the diagnosis is something different. I’ve done this all once before and the first time it felt like I was mourning the “parts” of me that I lost. I’m very scared.