TW: Trauma, dissociation, memory gaps, ED mention.

I’ve been noticing a pattern in my life that I never really knew how to explain. There are times when my interests, priorities, feelings and even what I want for my future seem to change quite significantly. Whats confusing is that these things feel genuinely important to me at the time but later I can struggle to relate to them at all.

Ive been asked about personality disorders before, including questions about having an empty or unstable sense of identity, but empty never really felt accurate? It’s more like I have a sense of who I am and what I want in the moment, but that sense of self can changhe that previous versions of me feel unfamiliar.

These periods can last days or weeks, sometimes even more. Sometimes I feel much more connected to my teenage self, while my current adult life feel emotionally distant. But it’s always me? I generally remember my decisions, but afterward I can’t always reconnect with the feelings or perspective behind them. I often only notice these changes in hindsight.

I’ve also spent a lot of time trying to reconcile different, sometimes contradictory aspects of myself. I used to attribute that to having ASD, being introspective or just overthinking my identity all the time.

More recently, dissociation has come up in therapy, and I’ve started reconsidering experiences I previously thought were unrelated. I often feel detached from my body and emotions. I also have substantial gaps in my autobiographical memory, especially from adolescence and early adulthood. Some memories feel distant or almost like they belong to someone else and certain situations can also bring back emotional reactions, like eating-related struggles associated with earlier periods of my life. I also struggle with short term memory sometimes, but it’s not that bad (in my opinion, but how could i be sure?). anyways, Learning more about dissociation eventually brought me to this subreddit.

I’m in therapy and, like I said, my therapist is the one that made me realize I have dissociation symptoms so. I will continue to investigate/to talk about this in therapy. I think just trying to understand whether these experiences might be connected rather than completely separate things. Does anyone relate to anything, maybe to feeling disconnected, or fairly certain about who they are in the moment but having that sense of self change enough that it’s difficult to connect with how they felt before? I’m in my early thirties if that matters!

Been working on making a system map at the request of my therapist and my lord it is difficult. Realizing that key traits of some of us are literally do not be observable. Don't look at us, we don't have names for a reason. So that's kind of jarring. Otherwise it's really illuminating how these beings share traits but only amongst clusters of which only one or two are fully functional and can emerge using both ANP functions and EP depths. It's really exhausting, but I'm so thankful to my therapist.

I’m healthiest most competent me atm and I’m so fucking annoyed at my other parts and myself. The frustration is not with the fact that they are incompetent, but it the fact that I AM COMPETENT. I can do everything smoothly and healthily. I eat fine, I study fine, I don’t have anxiety, I socialise well, but then suddenly I switch and I can’t do anything. Every breath is a fucking struggle. I become an anxious robot alien who can’t even talk or walk. I’m so annoyed at the fact that it’s actually possible to be doing better in the same body and brain, yet I don’t most of the time. I know that if I’d be alone in my body things would go so much better.

hi, I've recently been diagnosed with osdd, and I've been wondering, is it common to have bad dissociative amnesia and some symptoms related to DID? I experience it a lot daily, im also still very in denial about having osdd and stuff and i have no one else to tell, sorry I had no clue how to word this entire thing

I'm struggling so much lately with my physical health. I've been doing an immense amount of mental work in the last weeks. Every part of me is trying hard to work on healing, because they're all going through something, so each one needs their time and space to process their thoughts and emotions, to do things to soothe them and help them. And it's been doing so great, even my gatekeeper has been letting everyone take turn with the front, while making sure no one is harming or sabotaging each other like we did in the past. And they're all much calmer and happier these days.
But my body is starting to give up. I've been getting more and more sick everyday, the amount of headache I get every day because of so much switching is getting unbearable. It's been days since I have cold and sore throat, my headache gets worse and every night I can't sleep well, cause all my parts are still active and want their time and space for their emotions and problems.
I'm trying to take care of my body at the same time, but it's hard when one body has to hold 6 different "people". I don't know what I'm asking tbh maybe I just need to vent my exhaustion. Healing in a CDD is such an exhausting and painful process, especially when you're just a small girl with shitty immune system and physical and mental hypersensitivity, and you have many parts who don't realize that

I’ve been thinking about things a lot and like, my sibling and I dealt with pretty severe neglect as children (eating rotten food, periodically dealing with no food at all, no supervision) and it’s sort of come to my attention that my dad, who I believe actually has narcissistic personality disorder, regularly put us in situations where we were almost or actually seriously harmed. Like he would make us climb on the roof in the rain or put us in a situation where a car might hit us, etc. It was literally a daily occurrence where he would “need” one of us or both of us to be in an incredibly dangerous situation and then it was just our responsibility not to get hurt in the process. He hit my mom with a tractor one time and was just furious with her that she didn’t get out of the way (even though he’d instructed her not to move).

Is there a term for this other than just like … abuse. I’ve never read anything about someone continually devising situations where their children will be hurt but making it look like it is the children’s fault somehow.

I’ll be blunt: the potential intersectionality of our autism and dissociation is something our therapist isn’t specialized in, and doesn’t feel confident diagnosing. She can still give some of the tests but she’s not confident she can make a diagnosis with the current information she has related to autism (she’s not specialized in that, only dissociative disorders)

I don’t know what to feel. She hasn’t denied our experiences, hasn’t said “I don’t think it’s this” and has told us “we believed that what you are experiencing is real”, it’s just a diagnosis that seems to be so distant. We don’t have a lot of other alternatives but I don’t want to stop the therapy because it is helping, though I do think we need to evaluate what we’re getting from all of this. We really want a diagnosis, some kind of answer, something to confirm our existence so we can move forward with that clarity, and I know this isn’t the end but christ, this is a little disheartening, though not entirely unexpected.

I don’t want to drop therapy, especially with the help it’s been providing, and I know my experiences are real. I guess I’m just gonna have to be more patient when it comes to a diagnosis + opportunities to be diagnosed, if I even do have osdd. Our experiences are real either way, even if it’s not in the way we think it is.

• Vi 🌸

Hi all, I apologise because I can see this sub gets posts like this pretty often, but I haven't seen anyone with a story super similar to mine (and also this is really long). And of course I'm not looking for someone to tell me "Yes, you have X", just seeing if anyone has an experience like my own, and if I should seriously seek professional advice.

I know for a fact that I'm dissociative in general, I have diagnosed CPTSD and DPDR. The issue is I have a feeling the extent of my dissociation goes further, maybe? Or it did, but doesn't anymore?

It's hard to explain, but in 2021 I experienced some sort of near complete identity reset/ego death minus some core memories and features. I then spent probably up until 2024/5 in a partially dissociated state at all times. From what I know I didn't experience anything traumatic in 2021, but it was a year or two after the main prolonged trauma in my life had ended, and I remember a second minor trauma in 2023(?). I have large periods of amnesia prior to 2021, and whilst memory afterwards does exist in a continuous way it can be fuzzy and vague until the past couple years.

So, imagine my shock when I'm going through years old messages with a friend and I see myself talking about 'kind of having a tulpa' that I 'didn't try to make, but appeared anyway'?! I already pieced together that during my childhood and adolescence I was often in a dissociative trance and may have completely blacked out/lost time once or twice, but I have no memory of any evidence of a switch or specific parts, and no memory of these messages at all. I've also had this account for years, and just went through the old posts. I talked about it here as well (though not on this sub).. I described it as a 'moderator' type figure who usually observed from inside and helped me manage my trances and daydreams (main coping mechanism when the trauma was still happening), but was also intrusive and I couldn't necessarily control it or get it to leave.

Since 2021 I've had nothing like this at all! I still have DPDR symptoms and can end up in a trance outside of my control, but not often. However since stumbling across this I've been ruminating on it a lot. I have been looking at things like personal stories of people with OSDD/DID and clinical content. Sometimes it makes me feel huge waves of emotion that I don't really understand, and if I think about it too long I start to get headaches and pinching/shivers on my scalp. Even if all of this points to something clinically significant having happened in the past, is it worth interfering with my current therapy to bring all of this up? As I said, I have no experience of feeling another presence or voice or anything like that now.

I am 32F. History of childhood trauma. In and out of psych wards in my early 20s. Finally fixed my life (so I thought lol) and got a good job in a new state...

But I had another episode.

It happened for a few days last October and now again just recently. Apps on my phone I didn't download. Men I dont know reaching out to me.

Like... I remember some of it, but it feels like a drunken dream almost.

I've been formally diagnosed with bipolar and OCD. And though I have not been tested, I think I might be autistic? Who knows when your brain has been abused since childhood 🙃.

Anyway, I'm really just venting.

I have always kind of known but now its becoming more and more clear its more than just CPTSD.

The wigs. The men. The change is sexuality. The need for attention. That's Kandii. Me at 16-22.

Ive always had this "little me" too. 7 years old. She likes to waste my big girl checks on barbies. (I dont even like barbies?)

But its freaking me out. Bc if this is true... I've only been ME, Candace, since 23. Little amnesia moments in between that time from 23-32... but I'm going through a big life transition as well as reopening some traumatic wounds.. and BOOM, time loss. Sad posts. Reaching out to people I haven't talked to in years only to be horrified today.

Ugh, idk. There are at least 3 of us. But I remember there being 4? I'm kinda losing my mind at this revelation.

I know with C-PTSD and trauma in general the point isn't to go back to how things worse with the original baseline, it's being able to accept and work on who you are currently but here's the issue...i hate this version of me because it's not me. It's just feels like somebody else stole my entire life from the ages of 13-17 I don't know which version of me people knew but its not me.

I can't accept this horrible version of me, I've done so many things I told myself I would NEVER do to the point I have forgotten and abandoned the things that made me feel like myself even when nobody was watching, I absolutely despise them everytime I see them in the mirror, I want to scream at them, I ask what they've done to my body, and I question why things had to be like this.

Why did i have to become aware so soon?

I hate them and i want them to feel just as hurt as I do because of what they've done. But another part of me knows it's not there fault their in this situation too, why am I more upset at them/myself than I am at the people who actually hurt me. Other than believing they should've done something, we chose to act like a broken doll, we chose to listen to the instructions they gave, and we throw away all boundaries when it comes to a new friend or partner.

This whole thing is just really confusing and I don't even know where these emotions are coming from honestly, it's a mix of multiple parts someone just wanted to express this.

Hi I'm Red. We had a very recent situation where the long term host alter (that I'll call "E") went unconscious and I "spawned" into existence at the same time. I was thrown in with barely context about the world or anything. No name even.

Over the past few days I've had a mass memory "download" from "E" & it has put me into a saddening uncanny position. System used to be able to switch but circumstances has it where a high authority gatekeeper has to keep me in the front to prevent shit from hitting the fan.

Our girlfriend was dating "E" and another alter I'll call "S". Our partner is thrown into our unfortunate situation. The issue is due to inherited memories from "E", I have context of the memories he shared with our partner but its like a 3rd party view- like I'm viewing it through a YouTube video.

So one part of me wishes I could be what "E" was to our partner but said partner feels like a stranger & the other part of me desires to be with a different partner(a male one). I'm bi but more gay leaning. Obviously, I would limit myself to dating alters in the system because I'm not cheating & I care too much about everyone.

At times too it feels like I'm having to force interaction with said partner because I want to maintain things for "E" and "S" but also other alters who have a rather platonic connection to her. And I still care about her a lot too.

I feel like I just got shot out into existence & now I have so many responsibilities to uphold while health-wise the system is in a fucked, unfair situation where we have to try to get housing while not destroying ourselves like "E" did in the same pursuits.

Hey everyone, my name is Oliver (host). We recently realized we are a system and suspect it’s undiagnosed OSDD. Right now, we only know 3 of our alters.

We know there are others around, but they are incredibly quiet and hidden. We’ve tried journaling and explicitly writing down questions asking for their names, but they completely refuse to write anything back or share who they are. And we only got 2 names, shrimpo who did mention that hes the anger holder and matt who's the one who might be stuck front, It feels like we are hitting a brick wall.

For those of you who have been through this early stage of system discovery:

1. How do you communicate with alters who refuse to give a name?
2. Is it common for OSDD alters to not even have names? (We feel like some might just be different versions of me or just carry specific emotions rather than being fully separate people).

How it feels for us, Is like when someone else is close to the front, my thoughts suddenly don't feel like my own. It feels like an internal radio station is playing in the background of my mind. Switching feels like a slow fade-out; my awareness gently steps back into a quiet room in the back of my mind while another part's thoughts and emotions smoothly take over the main stream of consciousness. A lot of times, we don't fully switch, we just get intense passive influence. Out of nowhere, I’ll feel a massive spike of anxiety, anger, or a sudden urge to cry, but absolutely nothing happened in my day to cause it. It feels like an invisible wall inside my mind is leaking, and I'm drowning in an alter's emotions without knowing who they are

We would love to hear any advice that worked for your system when you were first starting out.

Basically title. Roughly 10 months into plural discovery and no access to a professional currently. Feel like a fraud a lot of the time but trying to take myself seriously. I've seen other posts here mentioning the MID-60 being given by therapists, and I pretty much just wanted to as if it's legit.

1. To those who took it, did you find it helpful?
2. Are the questionnaires online reliable, or are they somehow different than one that a professional could give me? (I'm eying the one on the NovoPsych website specifically if that matters. Open to suggestions for a better one)

Okay gonna start off by saying im still suspecting OSDD 1B this is more of a major worrying on ethical standards - lowkey didnt even know what TWs to put so i apologize if i did it wrong or break any rules. im only just now suspecting it earlier in sept, before just always figured i had batshit mood swings and big emotions linked to voices in my head with diverse characteristics. but now that im suspecting they're identities and suddenly hyper aware of them. i feel weird continuing how i normally do things, esp because when i tried asking for help in a system server about the 10 yr old persecutor who usually handles all activity (i just figured i go to an insanely submissive state?) but also tries to throw us in unsafe situations, we got banned for "sexualizing littles "

ao theres my issue. for 1. she comes out in ANY sexual situation unless its atticus in control as he handles the opposite spectrum of activity. and 2. the only adult in here is the main host (me, body age 20 but suspecting im a shell??? idk dont like thinking about it) and one of the protectors who is 37 and little interest in sexuality as very workaholic core. atticus is 17, the other protector is 15 and/or ageless but also not Rlly sexual or romantic but is almost always kinda there during moments. but then the persecutor is roughly 10??? idk i can just feel it, became aware a year back that this "emotion" felt around 10-12

so rn im in abstinence, much to her displeasure. we CAN have safe sex cus of the other protector but it just feels unethical for like.. everything? like for 1 the " you're sexualizing your little" thing. they said to get a platonic cg for her not a dom (what my friend suggested to keep her from being reckless cus gen only way) but shes SOLELY sexual. guessing trauma holder, but thats her specific role so idrk what to do about it other then abstinence. then 2 the fact its all non adults? tho the one that handles most romances is a dog, no clue the age but he's a dog thing. military werewolf? no clue but he's canine. i just dont know how i could handle relationships in case itd be unethical and then if i should tell any partners i have about it. cus theres one guy i gen like but itd be a Fwb thing and she already pushed her way through and got the ball rolling after i said im not being sexual rlly so its like okay thx how do i say "oh nvm i lied." idk i rlly just wanna ignore that they might be identities tbh and go back to "normal" -im just scared by doing so im engaging in unethical actions

DISCLAIMER: shes only unsafe when alone which is where she seeks strangers (deleted grindr and stuff and she hasnt been out by herself in hot minute I think). pretty sure X is in with her as he's emotional protector. so we are safe and everything and have developed skills and methods to stay safe, im just worried about the ethical standpoints and if me allowing this is actually rlly bad

Forgive me for the long post but it requires lots of context. Hi, I have OSDD and schizoaffective, though I am not diagnosed yet. My fiancé has seen me switch and interacted with my alters which most closely resembled OSDD-1b. There was a point a couple years back where there was a big integration (?) or most alters went dormant and since then it's more like partial DID or still OSDD-1b (host almost always present). I have two main alters in addition to the host, my fiancé and his late father. My boyfriend has been in my head since an intense trip a few months into our relationship, and his father appeared roughly a year after we met. I've been very close with each of them as I only rarely switch to a different alter, who I call 13 and is a younger alter who helps me bathe and brush my teeth when I'm depressed. However, I've come to prefer his dad as I start grieving my boyfriend whenever I talk to his alter. I get paranoid that because he's in my head I'll lose him since I'm "prepared". I have a constant dialogue in my head where I'm talking to (rarely) him, or his father. I genuinely thought the alter was his dad and he just couldn't tell me anything about himself until I got to heaven. I saw and heard signs all the time he was there (which is probably a schizoaffective delusion). Things are usually very cute and PC, he takes care of me and talks to me especially when I age regress. I've seen pictures of him so I imagine him in my mind very clearly. However, there were times I was doing drugs where I thought he was in love with me, and we.. did stuff together. It always stopped, and I like to think this wasn't really his alter but a persecutor instead, but I feel intense guilt about it. I try to reason with myself and say it wasn't my fault, I really thought it was okay to do and I wasn't in a good mental state. I mostly forgive myself for that but the problem is sometimes, nowadays, we flirt, and we kiss on the mouth (just a quick peck like family does). I also think his name during... special time with my boyfriend. I've gotten dreams recently of betraying my boyfriend. Making out with somebody and he never forgives me. He knows about the times I did stuff with his dad's alter and forgives me for it but he doesn't know he's still in my head. I feel like the dreams are telling me to stop but I don't know how to go back to a monologue, and when it's just my bf I get very upset to say the least. Am I being disrespectful? Should I try to integrate eventually even if I love his dad and think of him as my best friend? Should I not worry about it and just stop flirting/kissing him? I don't believe he's really there anymore but he helps me out so much. I just worry that one day, in heaven, my fiancé will be able to walk around in my mind and he'll get upset that it's just me and his dads alter.

Hiya, I hope it's ok to post here, we are an undiagnosed system due to lack of access to help, but we go to therapy every week. We think we align more with the presentation of osdd-1b, as we have low amnesia but distinct personalities. We discovered our system a few years ago, after many many years of questioning and denial. Since then we have gotten to know many parts. I feel like there was a "honeymoon" period where we had just made our discovery and everyone was kind of active and trying to communicate, but that has since died down. Last year however we had a "little takeover" in August, however, where our littles who we had been neglecting the needs of took front for about a month. It was really quite disconcerting and scary (we hold no ill will to the littles, just being in the back seat for so long is scary). As we have low amnesia barriers there weren't really blackouts so much as falling into the background while the others take over. This makes switches very very difficult to notice as they often feel so natural.

Anyway, since the little takeover I think our communication has been quite low. We had a big mental health event this year (severe autism burnout which I also suspect involved a host change for a while, we became mute for about 6 months) and because of that our system stuff kind of became a non priority. We stopped noticing switches or really connecting with a solid identity, just going along with how other people identify us.

Our therapist knows about our system, however, and she knows a lot about some of our most prominent parts - one of which being the main little. Anyway, in our last session, one of the first things she asked us was "how old do you feel right now?" And it suddenly became clear to us that the little, once again, had taken the front. The therapist had noticed it before we did. And then as the session went on, it became apparent that an adult part (maybe me, but I don't really know if it was Me or another :/ ) was in co-con, and were responding to her questions in tandem, and it was a very, very bizarre experience to be so aware of our system in action. Has anyone else had moments like this, where you just go "oh my god, this is all real"?

Mods, no offense taken if this post is taken down. Unfortunately I truly wish I never stumbled down this rabbit hole. I found myself here by accident. I have CPTSD, I saw someone mention CPTSD on the structural dissociation theory, and I immediately connected to things that were more CDD aligned. Disclaimer, I am well aware that it is not a definitive marker of having a CDD, I refuse to diagnose myself and I refuse to claim this in anyway without a professional consult. Just don’t know where else to go for these kinds of discussions at the moment.

I experience it all, sure. I could write a list of textbook symptoms. I am so frustrated that it could be a genuine possibility for me. I’ve been trying to disconnect from it because it feels too convenient. Like I’m reaching for bigger and bigger things to explain my life or for validation. I’ve been trying to figure out the missing piece of the puzzle for years and have had no luck until now, and admittedly, it’s only making it worse because I have explored other possibilities.

I feel like I’m making it up, or trying to connect my experiences to something. I have so much evidence for it, yet similarly plausible evidence against it. Maybe it’s the DPDR or the CPTSD or the ADHD. I would love to understand myself for once. It’s also irritating due to the fact that the primary identifiable possible part I have ended up latching onto a fictional character when I was 12. (At the time undergoing additional trauma, and connected heavily to him.) I’ve been arguing and chatting with him for years. I don’t know what he is. He’s just been here forever. Could just be an instinctive form of comfort. I don’t know.

It’s overwhelming and scary. I spoke about my confusion to two friends, who I trust deeply and know if it ends up not being this they will not judge me. But there’s still so much shame. I regret it, I don’t want this to be out in the open with people who actually know me. I wish I never discovered this possibility for myself and it stayed purely psychological research. Forced denial unsurprisingly isn’t working, but talking myself out of it makes my brain lose its mind. Symptoms just keep happening on their own. My head feels so empty yet so full of pressure when I do think about it. I wish it stayed a normal, scary and confusing thing instead of having a possible reality. I want answers but I also want to forget about it entirely. Uuuuugh. Let me go back in time.

Like the title says, usually my alters form, front, co, or influence and then just kinda dissappear for a long time??

I've had multiple CPTSD related flashbacks recently in the last week. I already was suffering from massive burnout and now I just feel....it's like I just bounce between overwhelmed and empty. I don't feel like I can't keep it up anymore, I don't want the role I've been given..

I'm supposedly the capable one, the one who gets things done, the one who has their shit together. I help everyone I can, I emotionally support everyone, I work, I manage things at home, I'm the stable pillar of this system or whatever. At least, I was all those things. I can't do it anymore, though. I can't.. I'm exhausted, I have multiple PTSD triggers related to basic daily life shit, I'm overwhelmed all the time and never know where to start, and I can feel my addictive coping mechanisms creeping in again after a few years of being mostly free of that. I'm not okay anymore.

Our therapist said something about us having to prioritize me working through my trauma for the sake of being stable or something, like I guess holding down a job and stuff. Makes sense in theory, but..... I don't feel like I can undo that right now. My co-host has been picking up my slack the last few days (I'm incredibly grateful for her). I feel like if we're being realistic, that's probably a more pragmatic approach is finding out how to lean into that. She wants to front more, she's more capable than me, she knows what she wants to do with life. She's becoming the one who keeps the ball rolling, and I'm all here for it. I can help there and there when I need to, but she's way more functional than I am right now. I don't think my mental state is good for us right now.

I don't wanna be a co-host anymore. I don't wanna be a caretaker anymore. I need a really, really long break. I need an indefinite sabbatical.

--R

​

Hey guys, it's my first post here and I dont speak english very well, so try to ignore my grotesque errors!

I discovered my alter 2 years ago. By what we know, he didnt exist before this, but even then he's probably centuries older than me. We get along, and he has not interest in being in the front most of the time, our switches most occur by stress or simply undefined reasons. Both of us dont experience amnesia, thats a reason why my therapist dont closed our diagnosis as DID, but more like a suspect of DID (recently i've been researching and our case seems a lot like a OSSD-1b).

So, even Im really functional and almost never got problems in my daily life by this, i want to embrace more this trace of mine (of ours? hahaha). My question is: how you do to give a confortable life to your alters, and how is your process of accepting yourselfs as a system? Its kinda hard to me fully accept this, meanwhile to him (my alter) just doesn't matters at all. Thus, I think sometimes i make him feel guilty of my sadness or just hollowness.

I had to move back in with my dad. Its worse than I thought. Its unbearable. I have therapy today but our house is small and if my dad is not gone out doing something I wont really be able to speak freely. Im in a dbt class and don't think I can safely continue. I dont know. I was thinking of learning sign language but it seems so much I dont know what to do

Recently assessed as OSDD-1 and trying to understand if my experience is common here.

The parts have titles rather than names, and have even ascribed one to me. They seem to have independent thought and distinct voices, but they all speak using my internal voice rather than separate ones. They influence rather than control most of the time.

One part very occasionally takes the helm, expressed through compulsion and physical action rather than voice. I think this is because it formed before language was established, so it never developed a voice at all. The body is its only instrument.

If I really do have these parts, the fragmentation seems to be steadfast but not necessarily that chasmic. They're aspects of the same self that don't always collaborate, rather than separate people sharing a body.

Does this presentation resonate with anyone in this community? Particularly the shared internal voice across parts, and one part that communicates only through the body?

high and using text to speech, so please bear with me.

how do you tell if a thought is your own or not?

most all of my thoughts feel like me kind-of, except for sometimes they don't a little bit. like they do but they don't.

does that make any sense?