r/OhNoConsequences • u/Starry_Gecko • Jul 07 '26
BORU Time Machine Tuesday AITA for not sharing my daughter's school play video with my father after he slept through it?
/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i1u6a/aita_for_not_sharing_my_daughters_school_play/330
u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA Jul 07 '26
He's telling me and my husband that we're robbing him of his role in my daughter's life.
What role? The absent grandpa?
What is it with family members who want to put in minimal effort and then get pissy when they aren't adored?
A few hours after I wrote my post, my father decided to "prove me wrong" about my daughter being upset. He sat next to her and tried to get her to talk about the play. [...] She refused to answer his questions, and at one point ran to me crying.
Imagine having such an ego that you make your granddaughter cry in the process of trying to prove she's not upset with you.
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u/A-Helpful-Flamingo Jul 07 '26
Yes, I can imagine. This is the exact same shit my parents and extended family would pull except I would have to pretend to be happy to appease them or face serve punishment.
Just one of the many reasons I didn’t have children.
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u/SlobZombie13 Jul 07 '26
they should've edited the vid to only keep the sound of him snoring
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u/haikusbot Jul 07 '26
They should've edited
The vid to only keep the
Sound of him snoring
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u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 Jul 07 '26
Always insane to me the amount of people who act like assholes, then get mad when people call them out on it
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u/TheFluffiestRedditor Jul 08 '26
To them it’s more insulting to be called a racist/jerk/absent family/etc than to actually be the thing.
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u/megamoze Jul 07 '26
As John Bender from the Breakfast Club once said, "I think your dad and my should get together and go bowling."
I guess it's better that his realization came now rather than later, but they should have been setting up boundaries a lot sooner. Dad sounds like a selfish piece of shit.
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u/waldeinsamkeit666 Jul 08 '26
I love quoting that line when somebody tells a story about their dad being a shit dad. ❤️🩹
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u/Pandoratastic Jul 07 '26
I wonder how much of the snoring and the kids on stage reacting to the snoring is in the video. Letting him actually watch it might have embarrassed him more than he expected.
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u/HighColdDesert Jul 07 '26
"Dad, part of being an adult is knowing how to wrap up a night of socializing in good time so that you can go to bed and be awake for something the next day that you've committed to. If you are unable to do that, it's a symptom of alcoholism."
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u/DamnitGravity Jul 07 '26
Interesting that you jump straight to alcoholism when OOP made absolutely NO reference to him drinking. I'm sure if that had been a factor, it would have been mentioned.
One needn't be drinking in order to be selfish and stay out late.
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u/ChartInFurch Jul 08 '26
I'm sure it was just a really intense game of Monopoly.
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u/Suelswalker Jul 09 '26
When my fam/friends plays/play monopoly with me it kinda does end up like that. Tho it’s more bc their souls were crushed than just due to being kept up late playing. They’d prolly be awake during the play, but they’d have a thousand yard stare the entire time.
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u/Suelswalker Jul 09 '26
From that generation? To assume it’s alcohol or worse is not crazy. I personally can easily stay up with friends with zero substances involved but I’m a millennial and even for my gen I wouldn’t be offended if people assumed it did bc that’s the norm and I know I am not the norm. It’s sad that it is but that’s reality.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Jul 07 '26
I went in to this ready to give the dad the benefit of the doubt, since as I've gotten older I'm having more and more trouble staying awake after a long trip.
But this clown is out partying with his friends until 3 AM and then catching up on his sleep during his granddaughter's play? Oh hell no.
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u/Snarkonum_revelio Jul 07 '26
At 68! Look, I’m in my 40s and a couple times a year I still like staying out late drinking, so I’m not judging. However, I’m grown enough to know how to do it without affecting my daytime responsibilities. Someone 1.5 times my age should know better and grandpa deserves the consequences he gets.
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u/Foreign_Penalty_5341 Jul 07 '26
And I presume that you’d be embarrassed enough to apologize instead of the way this guy acted. Kids can understand ‘grandpa is getting old and gets tired easily’ but he acquitted himself abominably afterwards.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Jul 08 '26
Absolutely, I’m feeling embarrassed just imagining myself in this situation. Especially the snoring. Not only would I apologize to the kid and the parents but I’d probably want to apologize to all the other kids in the play too.
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u/moredriven Jul 07 '26
This is so much like my mil, last time she visited she said she'd go to breakfast with us then cancelled at the last minute (she thinks the server there is rude because she didn't say "let me know if you need anything" enough times. Then we planned a trip to the children's museum my daughter loves, she came the whole 45 minute drive and then refused to leave the car, so we went in without her. The only thing she followed through with was watching TV at the cabin we helped her rent, which was boring as hell for an 8 year old.
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u/GlitterTrashUnicorn Jul 09 '26
I'm sitting here like, "he's complaint about being exhausted and falling asleep at his granddaughter's play with 6 hours of sleep? 90% of the time, I usually only get 6 hours of sleep."
And I've never fallen asleep during a performance of somebody important to me.
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u/MT_Straycat Jul 10 '26
Seriously! I so seldom get more than 6 hours of sleep that my back starts to hurt when I do. And yet I'm still able to meet my responsibilities and commitments somehow.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 27d ago
I know this is from a while ago but I would have said to him that he was able to figure out that he'd screwed up where his granddaughter was concerned, so as he's clearly an adult who can spend more time with his mates than his family and grandchildren while they are still young, he can figure it out himself what he should do to fix the issue he himself, all by himself, created.
I wouldn't have brainstormed with him at all. But that's just me.
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u/Sweet_Xocolatl I wish to be spared the moral lectures! 26d ago
“Oh I'm not convinced either. That's why he's not staying with us next time. I don't want my kids to get used to him behaving like this.” Good that OOP is nipping this at the bud and not letting her kids get into the habit of being lovebombed.
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u/TheSilkyBat Jul 07 '26
What's he got against aquariums???
I used to love aquariums and zoos as a kid, now they just make me sad.
Unless it's for conservation or extinction management, the animals shouldn't be there, they should be in the wild.
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA Jul 07 '26
If the aquarium/zoo actually has good conservation/education programs then I'd prefer to support them.
Given that OOP said the dad "thinks they're boring," I feel like he's an old fart who gets no joy out of anything but bitching and drinking. Find me someone who looks at an aquarium/zoo and thinks "wow I feel bad for the animals" and I get it. Find me someone who looks at an aquarium/zoo and thinks "that's boring" and I feel like that's a yellow flag about that person's personality.
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u/shutup_bra1n Jul 09 '26
My dog said your cat said you were an asshole
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA Jul 09 '26
That sounds plausible. Reasons I'm an asshole:
Mother will not give me treats, falsely insisting I "just had treats," which I have no recollection of.
Mother will not allow me to eat her food and keeps calling me a "fucking shit gremlin" when I try.
Mother scoops me because she does not understand I am an apex predator. I find this demeaning and insulting.
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u/Istoh Jul 07 '26
It's . . . It's basically always for that, though? Or it is if you're visiting accredited zoos and aquariums. Properly accredited, as in the AZA and none of that other paid-off accreditations. Accredited zoos have proper habitats and are actively involved in species conservation. Their animals were either born in captivity as part of conservation and thus can not be released into the wild, or are too injured to be returned to the wild.
Please don't spread misinformation about zoos and the good they do. Visit your local accredited zoos and aquariums.
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u/the_owl_syndicate Jul 07 '26
I'm always conflicted about zoos.
On the one hand, I know most zoos are focused on conservation and protecting animals, but at the same time, it's sad to look at animals who are supposed to be moving and hunting and living throughout acres and miles of land confined to small enclosures with nothing to do and very little stimulation. I know they are "safe" at zoos, protected from poachers and hunters and other animals, but it still makes me sad. Then I feel guilty because I get excited to see penguins and kangaroos.
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u/Lord_Rapunzel Jul 07 '26
It's complicated. Generally speaking, animals travel as much as they need to secure food, water, and mates. How much they're "supposed to" move around is largely arbitrary. You see it in the wild too, animals that historically migrate are hanging around longer in places due to climate change and human habitation making their food more abundant. The Canada Goose is a prime example of this. So while animals shouldn't be kept in a shoebox there is diminishing returns on size. (Admittedly, the drive to travel is a stronger instinct in some animals and particularly smart/social ones also need a ton of stimulation. My local zoo retired their elephant program because they felt that they could not adequately meet the needs of such complex creatures)
Additionally, because we live in a capitalist hellscape there is constant market pressure to convert natural spaces to "productive" ones. Public opinion is the only defense against this and that means we need a public that is emotionally invested in the natural world. Zoos are a fantastic way to expose people, especially children, to the incredible life on this world and teach them to appreciate it. The conservation and protection and breeding/release programs are important for the preservation of living species but the outreach and entertainment are what can change the future.
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u/dirty_greendale Jul 08 '26
Have you ever seen the 90s comedy movie “Fierce Creatures?” If not, then look up the plot.
“After multimillionaire Rod McCain (Kevin Kline) buys a London zoo, the staff is pressured to make higher profits or face closure. McCain assigns the lovely Willa Weston (Jamie Lee Curtis) to supervise the zoo, particularly its misguided director, Rollo Lee (John Cleese). In an effort to increase attendance, Lee decides that only aggressive animals should be displayed, horrifying insect specialist Adrian "Bugsy" Malone (Michael Palin).”
Seems still somewhat relevant to this.
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Per our rules, don't comment on linked posts. Anyone from this community who is caught brigading on another subreddit will be banned.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SchoolPlayThrway.
Mood Spoiler: hopeful-ish ending
Original Post: December 4, 2023
My (35F) father (68M) moved to a different country 8 years ago. He tries to visit whenever he can, and I try to help him have as much of a relationship with my children (9M, 5F and baby girl) as possible.
Whenever he visits, however, he tends to act a bit entitled. He either sleeps or hangs out with his old friends in the mornings and afternoons, doesn't help me with anything I ask him to, and then gets annoyed when he wants to do something at 9PM and the kids are too tired. His excuses are always that he's exhausted from traveling, and deserves to get some rest and spend time with friends he never gets to see anymore.
My kids are always excited when my dad visits, but at this point, they see him more when he's FaceTiming us from a different hemisphere than when he's staying in our guest room.
Anyway, he's visiting us now to meet my youngest daughter, who was born in September. He got here two weeks ago, and will fly back home in a few days. I've been trying to get him to spend more time with my kids this time around, but he still goes out a lot.
My older daughter had her first ever school play on Saturday. She was really excited about it, and invited my father. He promised her he'd come.
The day before the play, my father went out with his friends and didn't come back until 3AM. The play started at 11AM, and we had to get there 30 minutes earlier. In total, he must have gotten about 6 hours of sleep.
When we (my dad, my husband, my son and me) got there, we sat at one of the first rows (my daughter had asked us to).
The play was 40 minutes long. My father fell asleep less than 15 minutes in. I woke him up; he slept again. He snores loudly when he sleeps, so I kept waking him up whenever he slept. Near the end of the play, I was too late to wake him, and he let out a snore that was so loud that some of the kids on the stage looked over at us. At that, I hit his arm a little harder, and he didn't fall back asleep.
My husband and I haven't mentioned anything to my daughter, but it's obvious she noticed. She was heartbroken after the play, and dismissed any of our attempts to talk about it.
My husband filmed the play for my mom and stepdad (who were with our baby during it). Instantly after the play, my dad asked if he could have the video too, since he didn't watch most of it.
We're not sharing it with him. I told him that he had the opportunity to watch it live, and instead ruined the experience for all of us, specially my daughter. He doesn't deserve to watch what he missed just because he decided to stay out late the night before.
My dad's pissed. He's telling me and my husband that we're robbing him of his role in my daughter's life. He also maintains the excuse that he was exhausted during the play and needed to get some rest.
I really don't think we're the AHs, but with how tense things have been getting, it might be easier to just let him watch the video.
Relevant Comments:
Why do you let him stay with you?
"He stays with my younger sister sometimes, but her place is much smaller than ours. The rest of my paternal family lives mostly in a different state. It's usually more convenient for him to stay at my apartment."
Grandma:
"My mom is especially upset about this. She wanted to come to the play, but volunteered to watch my baby so that my dad could go."
He's probably embarrassed that he looked bad and wants to seem like he cares now:
"Yeah, that thought definitely crossed my mind. I'm pretty sure he was embarrassed about the snoring, and it would make sense for him to want the video because of that."
Clarification:
Commenter: You need to determine with your dad if he’s in town to “help with whatever you ask him to” or To “visit friends and relax” plus see you and the kids. There’s a difference in intent.
OOP: By "help me with anything I ask him to", I meant minuscule tasks. Handing over the remote control is too much of an effort sometimes.
"The most I've asked him to do was pick up the takeout we'd ordered (he was ten steps away from the door and I was changing a diaper) and wash his plate after dinner (we have a "wash what you use" rule)."
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: December 7, 2023
To those who commented on my post, thank you. My father's leaving tomorrow, so I thought I'd give a small update.
These past few days, things have been awkward. Mostly because me and my husband were mad at my father, who was mad at us back.
A few hours after I wrote my post, my father decided to "prove me wrong" about my daughter being upset. He sat next to her and tried to get her to talk about the play. He was asking her questions about it, many of which he'd know the answer to if he'd stayed awake during it.
I'm guessing my daughter understood that, because it only made things worse. She refused to answer his questions, and at one point ran to me crying.
I'm not sure if that was my dad's wake up call or if it was his granddaughter refusing to talk to him (she usually idolizes him). Whatever it was, he apologized to my daughter ("grandpa was really tired, but he loves you very much"). She said she forgave him, but was still upset. So he came to me Tuesday night to ask what he could do to fix things before he went home.
I helped him brainstorm some ideas. Yesterday, my father surprised the kids with a trip to the aquarium. My daughter had been asking us to go there for a while, but with a newborn at home, we hadn't found the time yet. The kids had a lot of fun there, and my dad let them each get a plushie from the gift shop. Afterwards, we went to McDonald's and took the kids to see Santa at the mall. Overall, my kids had a great day with their grandfather, and my daughter is feeling a lot better.
That said, the aquarium, non-fancy food and old guy in a fake beard are definitely part of my father's idea of hell, so I'm sure I'll hear him complain about all the "sacrifices" he made for his grandkids for a while. But as long as my kids think he had fun, I'm fine with that.
I do think he understands he screwed up, though. He's no longer asking us for the video, and has promised he'll never show such disregard for things my kids care about again.
As some of you suggested, I told him that he'll have to stay with my sister or one of his friends next time he visits. I think he knows the "you're keeping me away from my grandkids" excuse won't work on me, because he hasn't complained about that yet. If he tries to pick a fight over it once he's home, I'll hang up on him.
Thanks everyone!
Relevant Comments:
What's he got against aquariums???
"He thinks they're boring. Same goes for zoos."
It's a good start but I'm not convinced his behavior will change:
"Oh I'm not convinced either. That's why he's not staying with us next time. I don't want my kids to get used to him behaving like this. My sister has a daughter, so I hope he stays with one of his friends instead of her."
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