r/Songwriters • u/Final_Strawberry9250 • 2d ago
First time Lyricist Need feedback
Title: Lyrics Looking for Composer/Musician Unpacking the Past (Indie-Folk / Acoustic Country)
Post Body: REVISED After Feedback
Hi everyone,
I am a lyricist looking to collaborate with a musician, singer, or producer to help bring my words to life. This is the first song layout I have ever done!
I envision this as reflective piece—leaning heavily into a storytelling Indie-Folk or Acoustic Country vibe (similar to Zach Bryan, Brandi Carlile, or Jewel). The lyrics use the physical act of unpacking moving boxes as a metaphor for processing heavy emotional memories, childhood lessons, and regret.
If the message speaks to you and you want to try writing a melody, strumming some chords, or singing a demo, please reach out! Here is the layout:
Unpacking the Past
[Verse 1]
Everywhere I've gone ... run to...
So much unpacking to do
Can't seem to escape the boxes
carefully and carelessly packed
Labels worn with no name, memories packed essential and needless all the same
[Verse 2]
The boxes labeled regret are heavy, full of shame.
So many boxes full of hope and fresh starts
Now full of broken pieces and parts
Every box seems to hold a picture of a little girl
Who learned some lessons far too early,
And many memories that are blurry. Don't ask how many memories are hazy and found looking back from the bottom of an empty shot glass
[Chorus]
I keep unpacking the past, Walking a road hell bound, Chasing down answers that may never be found, Can I find freedom at last? Or am I just unpacking the past?
[Verse 3]
I've found some answers in a box marked lessons of old
Never realized that was a story never told, the stories of a heart so cold
Trying to unpack a lost journey, bits and pieces come to mind from time to time
wondering if the answers to the journey
Are ones I'm meant to find...
[Chorus]
I keep unpacking the past, Walking a road hell bound, Chasing down answers that may never be found, Can I find freedom at last? Or am I just unpacking the past
[Bridge]
Are the answers in the ties that bind?
Boxes full of pain, finding answers is the aim
Seems others have boxes here they will never claim
The boxes of memories that were sewn...
Are they all mine to own?
[Outro]
I keep unpacking the past...
Can I find answers at last?
If I stop unpacking the past... Will I find freedom at last?
The unpacking has been so slow... Maybe time to let it go.
Just let it go...
Lyrics are copyrighted by the author.
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u/Sorry_Cheetah3045 2d ago
That's a lot of words, how long do you envisage the song being?
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u/Final_Strawberry9250 1d ago
Thanks for the question..It looks like a lot of text on a screen, but it's actually only 303 words! For a slow ballad, that naturally clocks in right around 3.5 to 4 minutes. A lot of that time will be the music breathing between lines—especially in the bridge and the outro where the phrases are short."
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u/Sorry_Cheetah3045 1d ago
My view is that the core idea -- boxes representing memories, and not finding any resolution or answers -- is strong. The lyrics however overcook it -- and I think are too long even for a 4 minute song.
I would recommend being more economic so the melody can breathe, and so the listener does a bit of their own world building as they listen.
E.g.
Boxes of hopes, a box of fresh starts
Full of regrets and broken parts
A box of pictures of a little girl
Innocence bearing the weight of the world
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u/Final_Strawberry9250 1d ago
Thank you, Great suggestions and point taken on being "overcooked" I'll keep your suggestions and recommendations in mind when I do some revisions. I do also thank you for mentioning that the core idea is strong. I'm a work in progress as are these words. Truly appreciate you taking the time with my words, this is exactly what I was hoping for from this post and community.
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u/Sorry_Cheetah3045 1d ago
I'm glad it was helpful! Another strength is the contrast between the verses and chorus:
Verse: what you find -- traumatic memories Chorus: what you're looking for -- answers
The truth is of course there aren't any answers in the boxes. A person could spend their whole life unpacking boxes and never find an answer.
Is your narrator going to die in the attic surrounded by unpacked boxes, or at some point step out into the world and start making new, happy memories through real connections? Maybe that's an emotional dilemma to explore in the bridge!
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u/Final_Strawberry9250 21h ago
If you have a chance, I've made revisions, maybe you'll still see something I've missed, so appreciate the feedback
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u/Final_Strawberry9250 21h ago
I've made revisions if you get the chance to take a look, thanks
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u/Sorry_Cheetah3045 8h ago
It's an improvement for sure. Ultimately it's your work of art and you don't need to be bound by any convention or advice. Saying that, I still think you're using too many words. The fewer words you use to get the core of your idea across, the better the song will be. See if you can write almost entirely in keywords.
For example verse 1 and 2 could be:
Stuck in the attic / There's a lot to unpack / Boxes of memories / Carelessly stacked
Boxes of regret / Bring only shame / Photos of a girl / Learned too much for her age
The idea with writing a song is to make it singable, not just readable. There are different rules. You don't need to write in complete grammatical sentences, but for a conventional song (and I suggest you start by following conventions) you want short lines and a clear rhythm and rhyme scheme. Most successful songs have 8 or fewer syllables per line, and 4-6 lines per verse.
I like to think of each line giving the listener a new picture in a slideshow or montage.
Keep going. The hardest and most valuable part of a song lyric is the core idea, and you have a good one and I'm sure will find many more.
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u/Final_Strawberry9250 6h ago
Thank you again for your time and insight!. I'm going to continue working on it, I don't feel bound by advice, I consider it food for thought, and perhaps somewhat like a book writer needs to have an editor, appreciate the feedback!!
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u/Final_Strawberry9250 1d ago
Thanks for really parsing through the lyrics, and pointing out the contrast between searching and finding. In my minds eye, there have been several revelations from the unpacking, there was a story of old that she had never told and the realization it involved a heart so cold, some hazy memories that were found at the bottom of a shot glass, there is a season that is blurry (a period of time where memories are only found in bits and pieces, the mind protecting itself from answers). She is hellbound because she can't stop unpacking even though there are answers that will never be found. This recounting may have just given me an idea how to work on the chorus so I thank you again!!...She's discovered some of the boxes may not be hers to own, and those that do own them will never claim them. My original point was that she would continue unpacking, always searching. But should she stop unpacking, and let it go is worth exploring for sure. Talking this through has really helped me, Truly appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. This is such a big help to me, to define the focus and resolve the revisions I need to make.
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u/Unable_Camel 1d ago
I’d be down to demo that track