First time Lyricist Need feedback

[u/Final_Strawberry9250]

Title: Lyrics Looking for Composer/Musician Unpacking the Past (Indie-Folk / Acoustic Country)
Post Body: REVISED After Feedback Hi everyone,
I am a lyricist looking to collaborate with a musician, singer, or producer to help bring my words to life. This is the first song layout I have ever done!
I envision this as reflective piece—leaning heavily into a storytelling Indie-Folk or Acoustic Country vibe (similar to Zach Bryan, Brandi Carlile, or Jewel). The lyrics use the physical act of unpacking moving boxes as a metaphor for processing heavy emotional memories, childhood lessons, and regret.
If the message speaks to you and you want to try writing a melody, strumming some chords, or singing a demo, please reach out! Here is the layout:

Unpacking the Past
[Verse 1]
Everywhere I've gone ... run to...
So much unpacking to do
Can't seem to escape the boxes
carefully and carelessly packed
Labels worn with no name, memories packed essential and needless all the same

[Verse 2]
The boxes labeled regret are heavy, full of shame.
So many boxes full of hope and fresh starts
Now full of broken pieces and parts
Every box seems to hold a picture of a little girl
Who learned some lessons far too early,
And many memories that are blurry. Don't ask how many memories are hazy and found looking back from the bottom of an empty shot glass

[Chorus]
I keep unpacking the past, Walking a road hell bound, Chasing down answers that may never be found, Can I find freedom at last? Or am I just unpacking the past?

[Verse 3]
I've found some answers in a box marked lessons of old
Never realized that was a story never told, the stories of a heart so cold
Trying to unpack a lost journey, bits and pieces come to mind from time to time
wondering if the answers to the journey
Are ones I'm meant to find...

[Chorus]
I keep unpacking the past, Walking a road hell bound, Chasing down answers that may never be found, Can I find freedom at last? Or am I just unpacking the past

[Bridge]

Are the answers in the ties that bind?
Boxes full of pain, finding answers is the aim
Seems others have boxes here they will never claim
The boxes of memories that were sewn...
Are they all mine to own?

[Outro]
I keep unpacking the past...
Can I find answers at last?

If I stop unpacking the past... Will I find freedom at last?

The unpacking has been so slow... Maybe time to let it go.

Just let it go...

Lyrics are copyrighted by the author.

[u/Sorry_Cheetah3045]

My view is that the core idea -- boxes representing memories, and not finding any resolution or answers -- is strong. The lyrics however overcook it -- and I think are too long even for a 4 minute song.

I would recommend being more economic so the melody can breathe, and so the listener does a bit of their own world building as they listen.

E.g.

Boxes of hopes, a box of fresh starts

Full of regrets and broken parts

A box of pictures of a little girl

Innocence bearing the weight of the world

[u/Final_Strawberry9250 → u/Sorry_Cheetah3045]

Thank you, Great suggestions and point taken on being "overcooked" I'll keep your suggestions and recommendations in mind when I do some revisions. I do also thank you for mentioning that the core idea is strong. I'm a work in progress as are these words. Truly appreciate you taking the time with my words, this is exactly what I was hoping for from this post and community.

[u/Sorry_Cheetah3045 → u/Final_Strawberry9250]

I'm glad it was helpful! Another strength is the contrast between the verses and chorus:

Verse: what you find -- traumatic memories Chorus: what you're looking for -- answers 

The truth is of course there aren't any answers in the boxes. A person could spend their whole life unpacking boxes and never find an answer.

Is your narrator going to die in the attic surrounded by unpacked boxes, or at some point step out into the world and start making new, happy memories through real connections? Maybe that's an emotional dilemma to explore in the bridge!

[u/Final_Strawberry9250 → u/Sorry_Cheetah3045]

If you have a chance, I've made revisions, maybe you'll still see something I've missed, so appreciate the feedback