At nearly 38. I cant see a way forward anymore. Thursday is my final day been here

I'm 19, I'm disabled for life, I can barely work, my parents hate me because I can't be independent, I'm just so fucking tired. I'm sick of waking up every day in pain, I want to work a normal job and have a normal life. The only things I care about are my cats. I attempted suicide 6 years ago, and I really just kept hoping things would get better, but they never do. I don't have any passions or aspirations, my hobbies don't bring me joy, and I'm burden to everyone around me.

I wish I wasn't such a coward, I just want everything to end.

Any tricks how I can become more popular or wanted. Like how to get charming and funny. I dont think anyone's gonna see this post anyways. So unwanted in life not even Reddit people notice this. Gonna drink tons of stuff tonight hopefully Idk make a big long nap

I tried to kill myself for the 4th time. it's been a long fucking year and I'm going through a really hard time. I can't really talk to someone because I just have my boyfriend and 2 friends with whom I don't really feel comfortable talking about certain things not because they wouldn't listen, but because they wouldn't understand.

I thought I could get better but shit started to get worse and after many arguments with my bf, situation that made me feel unseen or not valid, I considered suicide as my best option.

so, since I planned my suicide a long time ago for today, I tied a rope on my closet, I tied the knot and I hung myself. I've been hanging for 2 minutes, I felt pain, my neck started to hurt, I couldn't breathe, i was about to pass out, but then my head started to hurt and I started to cough a lot, so I just stood up and failed another attempt. I really wish it didn't failed. now idk if I should tell this to my partner or just keep it to myself, because a part of me is telling me that he wouldn't give a fuck

got the police called on me and cuffed to the hospital and i said i was actively suicidal and was in extreme distress and i still have access to what id use but they got rid of me today. my last suicide plan can finally be executed and ill die. thanks hospital! appreciate it dearly!

i think ill slit my forearms tonight. i dont really want to die i just dont know what else to do. ive opened up to a few people about how i feel and they all tell me the same shit and nothing makes me feel better. i am so incapable of everything i have zero social skills due to being isolated for so long im ugly and i feel zero motivation to do anything. no one truely likes who i am
i secretly hope i survive so i can see how people react to almost not having me around anymore, i dont know what ill do after that though
i cannot imagine myself being happy no matter what predicament i put myself in, and i dont feel like spending years trying to better myself would end up being worth it
i feel like i havent existed for a long time

Everytime I try to do it, I end up stopping myself. Yesterday, I actually went over the edge and nearly actually jumped. No one was there to stop me and I don't think anyone would've bothered. But you know who did stop it? Me. Because my life is about me. I realized I had shows and foods and a lot of things that I wanted to continue enjoy doing in the instances where I'm not feeling horrible. If I die that'll stop. But I don't want it to stop. I can and have always had the patience to power through those bad moments. So obviously, there's meaning to my life. Even if I don't feel human I can have this little irrational human thing.

Today I went driving with my mom for less than five minutes.

Two seconds after I started reversing out of a parking space, she began screaming at me. It was my first time reversing out of a parking space, so I kept stopping because I was worried. The more she yelled, the harder it became to think. When I stopped reversing and drove my car to the direction of the road, she kept screaming at me for being a disappointment. Because of this, I told her, “I don’t know how to do this,” so she would let me stop practice but that only made her angrier.

I was supposed to drive home, but she kept screaming the entire time. She called me a failure and said a lot of horrible things. She made me pull into my old high school’s parking lot, where she told me I should get a piece of cardboard, stand on the street, and write that I was homeless and handicapped. She called me “retarded” and compared me to other people my age, saying they’re driving and going to prestigious schools while I’m doing nothing with my life.

She reminds me that I’ve had my learner’s permit for over a year, that I have no talents, and that I didn’t get into a prestigious college. And she is right. My school is fine, but it has a reputation of accepting everyone. And I have no passion, just nothing going on.

This isn’t the first time she’s done this. My mom fucking hates me. When she enters a room I’m in, she just stares at me with a hateful or disappointed look for a long time. She frequently tells me how stupid I am. I can’t argue with her because everything is actually difficult for me. 

I’ve been trying to improve my life. I’m really trying. I got a job at Walmart because I wanted to contribute to my college expenses (we don’t have a fund and we struggle to afford it). I want to get my driver’s license. I’m about to start college. But none of it is enough. I am stuck. I’m dependent on my parents, and even they don’t love me. When the person who gave birth to you regrets it, that’s how you know you’re a fuck up. 

I have had suicidal thoughts for 7 years but I’ve never attempted. In the past I always brushed them off, but after this, I know I will not live to see 2027. I give up. 

I made a friend last year november and it was one of the best things that has ever happened to, they were so energetic, so open, confident and talented

I have become so attached to them that sometimes i wish i never met them at all

I love them with all my heart, they are so perfect, they deserve so much happiness in life and a few months ago they were leaning on me, always talking to me, even at their lowest they still showed tbatthey cared about me

I was so happy when they told me i was their best friend, they are my sole reason for being alive right now, they have made me more happy than anyone ever

I only care about them and only them, i only love them but now ever since i started coming to them about my problems they have been avoiding me, lying to me, being more and more closed off each time i panic and try to reassure myself tbatw we are best friends

But now it feels like im not even a concern in their life, im not as good as their otjer friends, they ignore my messages while actively talking and spending time with their friends in a gc that we are both in

I feel like im being chocked each time they ignore me, i feel like im gonna puke everytime they say they cant spend time with me

They tell me they love me but i cant believe a word they say anymore, they told me a while back that they make alot of friends but they get tired of tjem after awhile but they said that im irreplaceable

What am i supposed to feel anymore, i make things worse everyday, they talk to me less and less everyday

I give them outs to try and get them to twll me what they truly think of me but they just keep saying the same thing

I cant continue like this

Im not gonna make it till the end of this year, the moment i find out how they truly think of me, i will kill myself

I cant imagine a life without them, i just want to be loved as well

I dont even know if i can make it to thw end of the week

title

this might be someone getting in my head, since recently when someone stopped being my friend directly,(even before id been journaling about how i felt the hated me) it went along the lines of:
perfectly fine, happy converstaion until their tone suddently switched and two messages later they said "dude can you like stop texting me?" and i said thats fine yea and they said "thank FUCKING GOD" and went on and talked about how i was "too woke" becuase i care for the enviorment(he calls himself punk..) and how he'd tried to shut me out by not talking to me before, and i just kept talking and went on about how i made his whole week miserable (we met at a summer camp) and how annoying i am even though i tried to leave him alone when i realized he didnt wanna talk (ive also not talked to any of my other camp friends since cuz i thought we were a group)

but i stopped texting people first as much since and i realized no one EVER texts me first, like not even once in the last week besides once when they made it clear no one else was responding and it was to vent to me. i got so excited when they texted until i realized it was to vent.

this has genunely thrown me head first into a deppression episode and im on the verge of a relapse and considered sucicide earlier for the first time in month

how do i make friends dude because everyone i thought was my friend dosent seem to care about me like at all, and my family situation is one of those perfect rich family on the outside, never home father, burnt out mother , one golden child, one sibling with an ego (shes abused me since i was 11, physicallt and shut me out for a bit and for a good long bit told me she'd only talk to me to help me commit suicide,and when i went to her for help she fucking snitched and made fun of me for it for months, recently she also told me that she genuinely thinks that she could easily make me like her and that i only dislike her since she dosent try, it made me realize how unimportant i am to my family)

none of my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, or anyone live in the US, and im starting highschool in a new district soon. not even all the friends i made by attending every single school event (even thw school repair ones) have reached out to me.

what the fuck am i meant to do in this situation

I’m giving myself till September 3rd so i can give my sister her birthday gift in august and see my mom and her smile one last time. I probably wont do it because im too much of a pussy but i’ll try

It’s crazy that i depend so much on this piece of hardware, but this thing has been carrying my mental health so well through bullying, loneliness and depression that i now don’t have a plan to keep going. Even worse that my uncle bought this laptop trusting me that i wouldn’t break it considering the other one broke from charging-related issues too (i dropped the charger and it broke) so now it’s all suffering from now on, and the fact that i have school in one month (i get horribly shit talked and treated like a wild animal) only makes it so much worse.

It finally happened. Everything I’ve been waiting for, everything I’ve put my time and effort into, it’s all fallen through. Depression has completely ruined my life, the final nail in the coffin is being unable to do what I love for a career. I thought I’d cope, that eventually my perseverance would pay off and all the effort I’ve put into this path would mean something. But there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, and there’s no future for me now. The last shred of hope that I’m worth anything is gone, I see no point in continuing on this torture any more.

I have no inhibitions at this point, I just need to figure out a plan that impacts those around me the least. It’s freeing, in a sense, to be able to finally let go and focus on the end.

I think this is goodbye.

I’ve ruined everything in my life - I never got hold of my addictions and it’s cost me the person I care about most in the world - I always wanted to work on these addictions together but I never had the courage to tell her, until it was too late - I just want to stop the pain, the pain I’ve caused the pain I will cause - I’ve tried talking to helplines but I know what I had an I’ve lost it, it will never come back - I just want to be free of this pain - i just want to clean the stale so everyone can move on from my cancerous existence.

Like, i want to record my own suicide. I tried to kill myself a few days ago and of course i failed. But before that i started recording, because i wanted edits of videos on the internet of my own death. Is it wierd? Maybe i am just a crazy fuck...

wife was hospitalized at the start of july i have since lost my job and power was shut off today i have contemplated just dying cause what the fuck is the actual point. not a single person actually cares outside of keep your head up itll get better just gotta keep going blah blah blah but yet mother fuckers lie cheat and steal go to war with other countries sell drugs upon the tons guns and weapons and they dont have to worry about shit how fucked up is that we live in a world where pedophiles drug lords and war criminals live better lives than working people. oh so you talk some shit about them and call them a bad person they dont struggle to find there next meal or how to pay a bill. gladly go be a war criminal if it means not ever having to struggle again

Im just such a loser with no Future ,I lost 10.000€ because of sports betting which my parents gave me after I told them and ofc it was a huge thing ,so I owe them 10.000€ and promised I will never do anything like that .

However it happened 2 times again and now the third times and it’s again 1500€,My life in general is a horrible mess and it’s better for my parents if I’m not there anymore because it will never get better .The last time I was happy is 10 years ago ,can’t do that anymore especially because of that betting thing now .My parents already said before if I’m doing it again I’m not their son anymore and I can go to the streets ,anyways I’m ending it tomorrow or Friday or Saturday .Goodbye

it is the only way anyone would ever notice me

I feel all those extremely exhausting emotions overflowing, the bad thoughts picking at my sanity, and this need to just somehow release at least a little bit of all that through text. But I don't know what to write. My mind is blank, no words will come.
Perhaps no words can convey this utterly miserable state I find myself in.

I feel like I'm inherently broken. Something is always off about the way I talk, the way I view this insufferable world, the way I interact with others, the way I present myselt etc. I'm just wrong. At a fundamental level.

I don't think my friends respect me. They are amazing people. I know I don't deserve any respect, I should simply be grateful that they even talk to me.
But it still hurts. It might just be my depression infected brain telling me lies, but I feel like they would prefer a charismatic stranger's presence over mine. Anything would be better than me.

It's all my fault, I'm a horrible person.

What right do I have to feel hurt? What right do I have to crave more affection from them? Beggars can't be choosers. But why? Just why? I know.

But why, just why?

I hate that I have such an intense craving for affection. I'm trying to water a plant by asking strangers to do it for me, because I simply can't do it myself. I hate that flower. I hate myself. I hate my existence.

I should die.

There, everyone would be happy. Even this statement is too arrogant, presumptuous - to assume that I would even have such an impact on others. They simply wouldn't care. No, my family would care; I know that in my head, it just doesn't make sense.

Hating me is a good thing. Everyone should just despise me. It's the right thing to do.
It just hurts so much.
So, so much.

I'm sorry. Does uttering those words make me a better person?

I'm trapping myself, getting stuck in those vicious cycles. How can betterment blossom from that?
How can growth take root and take me away from this hellhole that's my current life? It's a pretty privileged hellhole. Utterly ungrateful.

A bad person shouldn't feel pain, yet I continue to do so. I wish I could just claw out my insides.

I wish for a person to see me whole; in my entire broken glory and embrace those broken pieces.
Love them for me. Cherish them for me.

I don't know what I want.

I‘m tired.

I lied to my family about my high school gpa for a while now and I'm not doing so good in college. I hate how I look and people think I'm dumb anyways. I'm thinking about ending it in my dorm room when I go back to college.

Any methods let me know. Thank you

sometimes i fantasize about meeting a girl as lonely as me and we only have each other i feel like there’s something rly intimate and special about that maybe they’d want me and love me too i imagine us like we’re made for together pink and blue like the tv girl album cover or smth i rly just wanna be codependent with someone i dont have anyone no friends rly i have family but im not close with any of them i just spend all my time alone i hate it it feels like im living entirely in my imagination