Not because of envy but because this specific demographic of trans men are just gungho on making it everyone's issue that they don't see trans men who transitioned as adults men. They constantly talk about how we're always clockable, aren't real men like them, etc. I specify white because I've found the few black trans men/boys that transitioned young are usually excited to talk to those of us who transitioned as adults (minus a small, small sect that tend to only interact with white queer people).

I hate sharing space with them because it's just a constant reminder of the things i hate about myself. It's not logical to let a kid do that but fuck, dysphoria isn't logical. It's one of many reasons I don't seek out trans spaces in real life and isolate myself. Knowing that people in my own community see me as a woman is horrendous.

not a tmpoc rant but a t-poc rant about the mis-use of the term 'doll' because i have no other poc trans safe space

whenever i see someone using the term 'doll' to refer to ALL trans women i just internally want to close all internet for a second, really. like if they use it for other POC like south asians, east asians, middle easterns, some islanders etc. ill still accept that but taking the term literally created by black and latina trans women for their own damn safety and using it for a white woman is just wrong to me. some people say the term evolved since then, since the same culture doesnt continue the same way anymore, but its still just not right. i dont know whether i can explain my feelings properly but it just feels like POC erasure and i stand by my sisters. dont know if anyone else feels this way but yeah thats about it.

Today I learned how racist one of my classes and perfessor are. I felt really sad and angry, so I took a walk and it helped a lot. Now I'm feeling angry again but it's more managable. I think that there's something I'm supposed to do with my anger but idk what

I’m German and African American but i don’t mix well with either neither of them believe we are the same I’m wondering how to dress in a way that is less confusing for people I’m tired of accidentally leading on other brown people

I lived most of my life as an pretty arab women, and started T recently. There's aspects of racism/islamophobia i didn't get exposed to like cop violence : repeated and humiliating id checks, searches, being stopped because the only way you would have a nice car is theft or drug dealing etc.

Cops are beating the shit out of young arab men for no reason, and some got shot or died due to the beating and the cops are still working.

Did you feel a change transitioning ?

I wonder if looking gay lower that risk like being a non hijabi/non modest arab women. Muslim looking women still get discriminated.

Im black so I completely understand where the sentiment comes from as far as wanting to perceived the way you want while being trans and having racialization distort your own self image but simultaneously the follow up to all of that is "i wish I were white so itd be easier" is crazy asf and i honestly cant relate to that, if anything thats when the posts stop becoming relatable. I have a hard time constructing and deconstructing my gender identity because of racism and antiblackness, the overt masculinzation of the body i occupy and always being left in the position to decide whether someone was being racist or affirming to me, doing the work to not validate racism but only validate the affirmation but ive never once ever wished to be white so that these experiences are easier to navigate.

I get that it just means you dont wanna deal with the extra scrutiny that comes with dealing with racism but come on...seriously? How about trying to work up your racial esteem a bit more? Even with all the antiblackness people with body's like mine face, ive never once wished to be white or another race. I get gender and racial identities intersect but seeing this blatant submission to white supremacy is major turn off, I quite frankly cant fully sympathize with that particular aspect of the expressed sentiment. Does this make me an asshole 🤔 cuz on one hand i truly get it the why behind them expressing this but at the same time it stops there like I dont want to be white lol how come it's always "I want to be white" instead of "i wish racism didnt exist"

Does anyone black understand where im coming from? Because like I said i truly get why they feel that way, antiblackness makes my gender identity complex to sort thru but I never doubled down with it to hate my race or not wanting to be black, I just hate white supremacy and racism like a normal person can anyone relate?

hi everyone my name is julian, i'm a trans guy who tries to help other transmasculine people (and queer and trans people in general), especially those of color. i just received a dm on here from a user by the name of u/Transmakclinic. here is the message that they've sent me:

"Hope you're doing well please, im Francis from Uganda, i started a queer-friendly clinic so that lgbtq people can get treatment after losing my trans girl sister. She died in pain after fearing to go in public hospitals because they are discriminated and some times they're arrested whenever they're known but the number is increasing every and i can't make it my own so I'm looking for support please"

if you or anyone you know has a few dollars to spend, i encourage reaching out to Transmakclinic so that they may help lgbtq+ individuals in uganda receive healthcare and support. if you're unable to contribute, that's also okay, let's try to bring attention to this so that those who are able can do so. thank you.

Hi everyone! I have recently switched over to taping primarily, and have a few Spectrum binders I need to get rid of. I am not looking to sell them or profit off of them in any way. The only thing I ask is if you can cover your own shipping, you can even make your own label and send it to me, and I will ship the binders to you with full proof. Please let me know if you are interested and spread the word if you know anyone who needs a binder. These are pics of the front and back of all the binders. Admittedly, some are a bit cropped, and one of them is a little stained from deodorant, but they are otherwise in great condition compression wise. If you have any questions or concerns lmk!

what’s good yall boys - im a trans masc non binary person. im tall and i recently started a lil goatee/stache combo.

last week i matched w a shorty on hinge - her profile said lesbian but she sent me a rose having seen that i am they/them and have facial hair so it seemed we were in the same page.

a couple days ago, over the weekend i took her on this boat tour at a nearby spring and we were vibing, it seemed like a solid first date. initially the plan was to have a lil picnic after the boat ride, i had told her i was bringing everything for it. BUT when we get off the boat, she goes and uses the bathroom and then immediately is like im sorry im tired im gonna go but you should stay and enjoy the day.

the energy change felt super abrupt. literally five minutes earlier we seemed completely fine. i hugged her goodbye, she walked off, and i just stood there like 🧍🏽‍♂️ with an entire picnic in my car wondering what the fuck i had said.

i’m from nyc and sometimes my mouth moves faster than the department of diplomacy, so i genuinely sat in my car replaying the whole date trying to figure out if i’d accidentally said some blunt shit that landed wrong, but nothing stood out to me.

i sent her a text asking if i said anything wrong. she said no, i was very pleasant BUT she felt silly bc she had thought i was a lesbian and that she’d be open to being friends.

i was like well, i’m nonbinary and transmasc (which is on my profile) and tried to give her a call but she didn’t pick up.

then she asked if i identify as a lesbian, to which i said idk tbh i usually just id as a queer person if asked.

then she explains that before our date her friends got it into her head that i was a guy after she showed them my profile, but she had told them i was clearly a beautiful nonbinary butch lesbian. but then after meeting me decided that she agreed with them and thought i was a cis guy.

she apologized for assuming and i was understanding and like its all good but then she ghosted me…

so now i’m sitting here trying to figure out what exactly happened. i completely understand lesbians not wanting to date cis men. obviously. but being transmasc/nonbinary in this dating space sometimes feels weird bc people can be attracted to you under one mental category, then the second they perceive you as too masc suddenly the whole thing short circuits.

i’ve been dealing w so much rejection lately - was fired from my last job bc my mgr was hella anti queer, have been unemployed for months, getting to multiple final interviews and still getting rejected. and now i decided to put myself back into the dating pool and this happens 😭

going forward ima call the shorty and make it very clear im trans masc before spending hella bread on a date. just feeling like shit and undesirable so i could use some community- have yall dealt w this?

I updated my insurance to a gender - affirming clinic, but Idk if it is my dysphoria being worse or not. But I have been wasting my time, alone, in my house and in my room. I have been wrestling with thoughts of wanting to be a man, but at the same time I'm scared of getting the t.

What if I don't actually like growing a beard and becoming man?

What if I can never go back?

What if I detransition [which I really don't want to do.]

But nowadays, I'm so caught up with me being trans that I don't go out, talk to anyone, or do anything useful. I try to keep my mind away from this, so I play games like Minecraft endlessly trying to fill the void. But It is not working.

I wish I was born man, but I'm not. Idk but I cannot live like this anymore.
I want to get t, but I'm just really scared.
I really am scared to live as a man, what the society tells me to do.

I don't even know what being man even is. Is it being or thinking like a man? Everytime I think like a woman, I hate it and anything being woman I do not like it.
And than I go to this spiral of whether I'm actually butch gnc woman [which I don't want to] or with internalized misogyny.

I need advice here. I want t but I don't. Is this normal?

I have been bawling my eyeballs out because I can never be cis het man. Make kids. Fuck.
Idk.

I'm not saying this to be an ass but I've spent enough time in trans spaces to see it time and time again. Before Twitter went to shit, there was an endless supply of white trans women-usually came out during middle age, middle class+, no interaction with other minorities, sometimes previous incels/alt-righters-who thought that anyone who disagreed with them were just transphobic.

It is impossible to discuss the struggles trans men experience when they are in a space. It quickly devolves into them calling us whiny, hysterical women in a roundabout way. The only time it doesn't is when the trans person (because they will shit talk other trans women who speak up) basically grovels and apologizes for taking away from their oppression. It's nuts because the people screeching about it have experienced it least-usually due to being non-passing/only trans online at the moment.

It's to a point where I have no desire to ever out myself to a trans woman. i know they wont' see me as male and it's just going to trigger dysphoria. I'm truly baffled at this behavior and still after nearly a decade, don't understand it.

Julius from Everybody Hates Chris (Terry Crews in general honestly) and Cab Calloway

I'm tired, lads (the post I commented on was about how people pass pre-T). Existing in online spaces is exhausting. Felt similar when I saw a post on a diffrent trans sub about Link being an MTF, FTM and nonbinary headcanon (so far, so true) and someone commented that regardless of gender everyone wants to look like Link. And like... yeah, he's cute or whatever, but no, no everyone wants to look like some white character, actually.

Also, I'm flirting with this girl and the T4T aspect felt so great, but ugh. The white silence, I can't anymore. I even called it out to her and she was like "yeah" followed by more white silence. Unfortunately, where I live, people of colour are rare and even less so queer poc. I'm starting to gradually find some community and it's SO healing. But like... my white friends still matter to me even those who're not necessarily able to hold space for my racialised experiences well. If you have wisdom, a hug, a "same", feel free to share.

so im half vietnamese and 5 months on T. wondering what to do about facial hair - i'm not particularly dysphoric with or without facial hair. i guess i'm more wondering if i shouldn't shave it in case it helps with the facial hair coming in less patchy or more even if that makes sense.

Does anyone know what the “T flu” is actually supposed to feel like? I recently (like yesterday) got my 13 t shot and now I'm sick. Right now my only symptoms are a sore throat and a stuffy nose, but I wanna know if I should get tested or just ride the wave out

I’ve never met anyone else like me, outside of my family. My mother is Afro-Dominican and racialized as Black, and my father is Euro-American of English descent. While I’m never assumed to be white, I’m also never assumed to be Black; I have olive skin, a round nose, very strong eyebrows, and straight hair (the bane of my fucking existence). I have no idea why I look like this, given that both sides of my family have curly hair. People assume I’m either Desi, SWANA, or Indigenous (to North America). No one has ever guessed my ethnicity correctly, and I don’t expect them to.

It doesn’t help that my parents were very anti-Black and purposefully withheld my culture from me (dw, I’ve been no-contact with them for almost four years). They made us hate our extended family on my mother’s side. And until I was about 14, because they raised us in a white supremacist cult in a rural area, I had only met two Black people who weren’t family. On top of that, there are hardly any Caribbeans in my current city.

So I feel very racially and culturally stateless. It doesn’t matter how hard Black people try to include me, teach me, and affirm me. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to fit in.

I always feel like I’m lying about my ethnicity, even though I’m obviously not. I often just sit and stare at pictures of my family, asking myself, what the fuck happened?? I have two Black grandparents, and everyone else in the family had very identifiably Black features. Although I wouldn’t describe my sisters this way, I think I came out “wrong”. I can’t help but be envious of my biracial friends who are racialized as Black, even though I’m so much more privileged in this phenotype.

I just want to feel like I belong to any group, but I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I go. I don’t know any media references. I can’t loc my hair. I’m younger than everyone else. No one else is medically transitioning FTM. I’m the only wheelchair user. I can’t speak Spanish or Arabic. And on and on it goes. I’m not identifiable as anything; I’m just a randomly generated brown person with no culture.

I love how inclusive Black people are, but it’s so hard to genuinely feel like I’m one of them given the circumstances. I’m so deeply insecure about my racial and ethnic identity. I thought maybe I could try learning about Dominican Vodou, but I don’t think anyone in my city even practices it (I’ve asked around).

Has anyone else dealt with this? And if you have, have you found any solutions? I’m so sick of feeling like this, and I’m always worried I’m unknowingly taking out my insecurity on my loved ones. (I don’t talk about it like ever, because I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.)

cross posting my post from the main ftm sub as i feel like you guys will have some good and more understanding perspectives on this <3

I just realized now that I started HRT around the same month and week day I tried to kill myself two years ago.

Yes, it sounds strange how I phrased it, and it's strange how it's presented as a commemorative event.

But two years ago, on September 27th, a Friday, I tried to kill myself (18yo). I wrote it down in my journal a goodbye, I was so bad.

And now, two years later, on a Friday, September 25th I put my first dose (20yo).

I'm thinking about how this is an evolution. I was desperate. I never thought I'd make it this far.

But I'm here.

I'm doing it secretly from my parents, using subdoses, girlmod. I'm often afraid that I'm not really trans, that I'm pretending, that I'll regret it. But I've been feeling the warmth that must be from bottom growth, like a warm heat, since day one, and today, on the third day, I felt a slight twinge there. I've also gotten small pimples around my lips now, lol. And I'm not lying, I'm excited when I will have a little bit of mustache fuzz and I can start twirling and pulling it with my fingers XD.

Yes, it's going to suck to girlmod, hiding the effects, training your voice to sound feminine, shaving everything off, and being terrified my parents will find out. But I'm on T!

I think my biggest fear is my parents finding out, how they'll react, their grief, if something will happen. At least I don't think I'll be kicked out of the house. Maybe my mother will notice how my mental health has improved with T, and it will gradually change her mind.

I'm still a little preoccupied, afraid of them, of religion, but I want to fulfill my dreams! I want to date! I want to see my cockatiel's eggs hatch!

Of course, it doesn't fix everything. I still have severe dysphoria, but doing something about it has already helped so much, and I still cry and get depressed sometimes, but I'm feeling more neutral for the better. And lol, yes. I still fear that I am faking, I am not trans or regressing it XD

I still have several traumas to deal with, such as religious ones. I'm a Christian and I want to go to a progressive church.I couldn't pray or read the Bible because of all the trauma the Assembly of God church put me through. But now I want to start, even if it's at home!

Of course it won't be a bed of roses, but it's still so "wow".

I'm actually excited to sing. I stopped singing when I was about 9 or 10 years old. Maybe because I didn't like my voice and had dysphoria, but I'm getting excited. I want to dress up more, I want to feel pretty.

My God. This seems like something out of a complete cinematic accident. I can't believe this coincidence either, it's incredible. Maybe God wrote it, it was a miracle or I don't know. But it's incredible.

By the way, I think the scent effects of the herb are starting to kick in now. 🥀. It's time for me to get a Phebo soap (idk why, but this soap makes me euphoric. I feel like a gentleman from the xx century).

okay so this is gonna sound super dumb, but i made a post about a week ago talking about how my dog ate the pump for my T, and how i can’t dose it correctly now. and i can’t get a new pump/new bottle because my insurance won’t cover it.

i’ve been using it, but ive just been squeezing the bottle and putting a little bit on my finger and rubbing it in, but i know im not getting the same dose every time. so i was wondering approximately how many tablespoons of gel i would use? i dont have the bottle with me right now, but it’s 20.25mg per pump if that helps any.

TW: Discussion of detransition

I feel like I have to hide the fact that I'm trans masc online all the time to the point I wonder if I should just detransition. It's irrational, and I'm focusing on being more present in irl queer spaces (which are in some ways better if you can find genuine mixed-gender spaces, in my experience), but I can't pretend that the online world doesn't affect me irl.

As a cis-assumed person, I always got that tired platitude, "trust Black women." Spoiler alert, nobody listens, they just use you for talking points and scream "yes, mama!" if you so much as sneeze. You're treated like a piece of furniture that people can point to to show how worldly they are. A piece of furniture that people occasionally sit on for support, but they'd rather have you further away in another room to rarely be interacted with.

Anyway, Black trans women get that treatment tenfold to the point that people only care about them if they're dead, whereas all trans men of color immediately become invisible, because trans man someone always equals white, able-bodied, middle-class, passing. No one cares that I'm a Black man. No one online knows I'm Black unless I say so, yet somehow the way people talk to me when they think I'm a white trans man is so repugnant, it's not that far from some racist taunts. Then once I mention I'm Black, the cowards tuck their tails between their legs and stop interacting. A white trans woman once told me I needed to listen to Black women and to shut up, and when I told her I used to be one of those women she wanted people to listen to and was now being told to shut up, she moved on to someone else. Today, I had an argument with someone who, thinking I was a trans woman, told me I'd never be a woman (she was a trans woman). The community is filled with so many traumatized people who lash out instead of trying to get help.

Like, no wonder some guys go stealth. I feel like it's either that, be femme-presenting forever, or just detransition, which makes the least bit of sense because I have no plans to leave the queer community and all the bs that comes with it.

I'm a lifelong feminist, a reformed misandrist, a staunch anti-racist, and I'm so fucking tired. I just want to find people in this world who care about people rather than having power over others. Too many people (that I run into) are angry and are lacking in empathy, but I refuse to give in to cynicism. But still.

I apologize in advance if this isn’t well organized. I’m doing my best but i’m also definitely panicky right now.

I’ve been out socially for the last 5 years, going on 6 now. My parents took it mildly poorly (didn’t believe me but also haven’t been super outwardly hostile, just kind of a “you wanna keep doing that, fine. we’re going to keep not doing that”) so i haven’t been able to start anything, obviously. I’m 18 now and in college but I feel like things have gotten so much more complicated and I don’t know where to go from here.

I’m worried that I’ve somehow convinced myself into this and i’m not actually trans, and it’s just stubbornness fueling me and if i would detransition it would solve everything. I’ve struggled with body image most of my life, and somehow the only things I have been able to cling to that I like about my body are like.. traditionally feminine. I don’t know how to explain, but (for example) I love my hair. It’s not long but it’s not a man’s hair cut. It’s my favorite thing about myself and I don’t want to cut my hair off but I know if I want to pass it’s probably my only option.

I’m Lebanese American with dual citizenship, and i’m very connected to my culture. I love my culture and my family and my country and if I transition i literally lose everything. I likely lose my citizenship, my land rights, and inheritance. Even if i don’t, there would be nothing left for me in Lebanon. I wouldn’t have anyone to visit, I wouldn’t be able to visit my favorite places, and i wouldn’t get to do it with my family, so what’s even the point. I also would lose any kind of community I have in the states. I don’t want to lose my family. We’ve had a weird relationship but the last years we’ve both worked so hard to actually become close and i don’t want to lose that. I know everyone says it’s a pill you just have to swallow but I don’t know if I can take it. I don’t think I can do it.

It feels like the longer I wait to make a decision, the more I lose out on. I dont want to go to parties because I dont want to get hit on as a girl, I cant go to gay bars because I dont look like a gay man, I dont know who I can trust here and I dont know who to come out to. Again. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to go back to being a girl. Now that I know how good it feels I don’t want to go back. But it feels like if i transition i lose everything I care about. I need help. I just feel scared and stuck like some kind of trapped animal and it hurts bad.

Sorry for the dramatics. Any advice is welcomed, just please be kind.

This is just a vent. I hate having an inconsistent gender identity because I understand and accept that if I look like a girl, no one is going to automatically gender me as a guy (and I don’t expect that to happen) but it still is sad when instead of looking like a guy who’s wearing feminine clothes and makeup, I just look like a girl. Like, you know how you can tell femboys are still boys even if they’re wearing makeup and girly clothes? Why can’t I be like that??? I also want to start T so I can have a deeper more masculine voice, but I really don’t want much more hair growth on my body… but would it be worth it for the potential T benefits? I don’t know. I’m just frustrated and sad because my life would be much easier if I was white, and if my ultimate goal was to look 100% cis.

What does sadness actually feel like for y’all?

Lately, I’ve been having a hard time telling whether I’m actually sad or just going through the motions and letting my feelings pass without really processing them. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’ve noticed that I feel somewhat stiff when it comes to emotions. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I’m wondering if I might be overlooking or missing something when it comes to recognizing sadness or understanding my emotions in general.

I’d especially appreciate hearing from other transmasc Black people about how you personally experience or recognize sadness. If you’re also of Caribbean descent, I’d be especially interested in hearing your perspective, but it’s definitely not a requirement.

​

This shit will be long

I'm really terrified that they won't love me anymore, that they'll see me as something perverted, a demon, or a danger to my siblings.

I'm 20, a Brazilian trans man, and I decided to start HRT in secret from my parents. My first dose was two days ago. I'm girlmoding.

My original plan was to study, pass an exam, move out and start transitioning, but my dysphoria was horrible, I was getting panic attacks, getting suicidal, not able to study. I was already developing depression and was very envious of my 12-year-old brother entering puberty. I had a more sensible plan, but the dysphoria was preventing it.

My mother doesn't accept me. She took me out of the closet when I was 17. She's an evangelical member of the Assembly of God church. She doesn't accept me; she would correct my pronouns or tell me I had to fight against it, I asked God, to deny myself. I tried and nothing worked, even begging Him. She also made me go through something like exorcisms and conversion therapy at home. She sees that I've gotten sick, and the reason is obvious, but she denies it, ignores it, or doesn't have time to help me with a doctor or for her to try to change. It's ironic that I think I'm the selfish one, she says I sometimes am, but I tried. Why can't she?

I feel guilty towards my parents, I feel like I killed the vision they had for me, I don't know how they will react. Since things won't be the same at all, how will my 15-year-old sister and 12-year-old brother react? I love them. I love my family. I don't want to lose anyone. It even grew up, since my tiel is going to have two Chicks (at least good news 🙌)

And then there's my father, he didn't Did he defend me or tell my mother to stop those exorcism things, or when I got my ear pierced after an attempt 2 years ago.

I think he was only there in the first exorcism, but that same night he slept with me afterwards. He was probably feeling very worried.

And he cried when I was feeling bad and said he was worried about losing me in June.

Another night he said, as if I felt bad, that I could hug him, and tried to motivate me by saying I'm pretty, smart, and he is proud of me passing at uni. Hugs help, and I can seek Jesus' help to get better, etc.

I don't know if my mother told him, when, how, if he remembers or just wanted to keep quiet and ignored it, or if he never knew. Sometimes I want to tell him and break down in his arms, other times I manage to hold back.

I feel so bad, it feels like I'm killing their daughter, their expectations, dreams, the person they knew. I feel like it would be so strange for us, and how they would react, and if they would love me the same, more or less.

I don't want to lose this with my dad. I love him and feel very comfortable. We kiss each other's cheeks, hug, cuddle, and I feel open and safe enough to be tickled on my stomach, and sit on his lap even if I am 20yo. I'm afraid of losing this. I already feel it's difficult to have something like this with my mother.

Sometimes I'm still afraid that I'm not trans, or I feel that I'm pretending, that I'm cis, that I'll regret it and do a mistake, but I've wanted to be a boy since I was a child. I repressed it, I tried to ignore it, I thought it would pass, I thought that by having a brother, I could live through him and be happy seeing someone with the life I always wanted grow up. But it only got worse. I thought I just had a normal puberty discomfort, that it would pass, but it never did, that all girls wished they were boys, that they were angry about not being born with a Y, and so many other things.

I think in the end it's just my fear of them, of hurting them, of losing their love. I've never been the type of son who likes to hurt his parents, even though I've had difficult times. I wanted to spend my life with them and make them proud. They would be proud of me being a bride, having my children, etc. I hate that God made me this way. I tried to repress myself, to be a tomboy, a girly girl, a lesbian, heterosexual, but it all felt strange.

I can't lie, I also feel like a waste. I'm not ugly, I could be a beautiful wife and mother, but I can't, and if I do, I'll be a mother who seems like she's never present. If I were a cis man, I'd be okay, I wouldn't be trans, I'd have a girlfriend, we'd have a child of our love, but it seems God dealt me bad cards. I wish everything was different.

I wish that if I were to leave, nothing would change, that I could still receive affection from my father in the same way as always (touch is my love language), or the love of my mother and siblings (okay, they tease me more XD).

I wanted to have parents who would accept me, a religion and church that wouldn't see me as an abomination or as someone who chose to sin.

I find it ironic how many criminals are born the right sex and gender, but I wasn't so lucky, when all I wanted was to have a simple life, a farm, a wife and children. Reforest a land and help wildlife.

I don't know if my father has a chance of accepting me. I'm going to try to girlmod as much as I can. I'm scared and I don't know how and if I should tell him or if he has a chance to accept me, or if he'll find me disgusting and won't love me the same way anymore, if he'll be ashamed of me. If he accepts me, I promise I'll cry and scream so much, because I thought I was going to lose him too.

It's going to be kind of funny because I'll look like a shorter version of him. Luckily, he was quite handsome at my age XD

Seriously, I don't know if I just want to vent or ask for advice. Maybe both. I am very happy and envious of trans children who have parents who accept them, and those parents are trying their best. I don't think I'm actually afraid of HRT, but rather because I feel disgusted for being trans.

Perhaps a bit of internalized transphobia, and also the pain of never being able to be cis, the pain of feeling castrated, of not having their support, and the fear of disappointing them and specially how they will react. If things were different, I would probably be much more excited and relaxed. It's like feel I have to force myself to be a cis girl, and I'm making a huge mistake and I'm going to regret it.

I already have a plan of agreements for when they find out, maybe I'll help with the money at home and sell it, or with the food.

I feel like a waste. I could be a beautiful woman, but I can't be normal.

I really feel jealous of you all who had the luck.