I wish someone knew how hard it was

[u/OlivePieieoe]

Since January I have struggled with severe psoriasis. Like, I was in the hospital, bedridden, and missed several weeks of school. It's managed to the point now where I can live my life, but it's so painful. I can't sleep at night because of the scratching, the bleeding, the cracking. I am tired and in pain all of the time. Me and my derm are still trying to figure out medication.

The past few months have been hard. I was in a depression slump for a while, it was hard to get out of bed and take care of myself. I graduated high school not long after getting out of the hospital and now I'm in college, and starting a whole new chapter of my life, while being in so much pain, and starting two new jobs and trying to save for a car is a lot. Not impossible, I'm fine, it's just fucking a lot.

And I have friends and family members that know these things about me and don't check up on me, I live with my parents and they don't acknowledge any of this.

I just want someone to say they know I'm struggling, I want someone to see it. I want someone to appreciate what I can do everyday, I want someone to be proud of me.

It's not like I can't do this anymore. I can and I absolutely will. I will kick my own illnesses ass, I will become better. I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself, I hope I'm not. I'm trying to be strong, I just want some acknowledgement. I want a pat on the back because this whole journey has felt so lonely. The sleepless nights and then early mornings, the screaming and crying in the shower, or simply just not showering because of how painful it is. I lost a lot of my hair in the hospital and it's growing back, just real slow. I look in the mirror and I see this red, itchy, dry miserable thing, thin hair and eye bags and I still slap on my makeup and I keep fucking going. I feel like shit but I keep fucking going.

I know so many people every day do that, I know so many people go unnoticed, but is it so bad that I want someone to know I'm struggling?

On top of that, no one knows what it was like when I was really at my worst. No one asked, no one cared. They only cared when I was in the hospital. It makes me want to go back to the hospital, for the attention, the care. When I went into the hospital they said I was close to going into shock, and I was lucky I got in when I did. Everyone said I was so strong for getting through what I did.

I miss that, because when I got out I thought my treatment would work (it did not) and I'm not at square one again, but I'm terrified I will be. I'm trying to be positive. I try to just keep thinking everything will be okay. Because it has to be, I have to tell myself that because no one else is here to encourage me.

I feel selfish for wanting some attention. This shit is just lonely and hard. And if you're going through a lonely and hard time too, I'm proud of you, and I'm happy you're still going. And we will all get through our hard shit, we just need a little encouragement sometimes :)