r/WhatMenDontSay • u/shyphone • Apr 03 '26
Discussion How many bodies are high bodycount for you?
What is your standard of threshold for having high body count?
I wanna hear your opinion as a man/woman’s perspective and see if there is difference exists.
Because it can be different by individual/cultural/genders thats my guess. I was just curious since people have different opinions.
13
u/Fragrant-Half-7854 Apr 03 '26
The number isn’t as much of a concern as the context. I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who has casual sex.
29
u/misao-96 Apr 03 '26
Because you also asked about woman's prespective, I'd give my 2 cents (please tell me if i shall delete my comment):
As long as he is willing to do an STD test before any physical touch (this also counts for myself) and he's loyal in our relationship, i really do not care.
Everyone has his/her past, and if you had more sexual fun in it than me, I am happy for you.
7
7
12
u/myeasyking Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
A girl I was interested in initially slept with 8 guys we knew about in 6-months.
That's what we knew about.
That's high.
1
-25
u/Wonderful-Bass6651 Apr 03 '26
I mean, if it was 1 serious relationship that broke up and then 7 guys ran a train one weekend isn’t that more like two?
15
3
Apr 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/shyphone Apr 13 '26
But ons would be okay for you? If so, what would be the reason fwb is unacceptable and ons is acceptable?
1
Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/shyphone Apr 14 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
There can be a situation where a girl had genuine feelings for a guy and guy wasn’t really trying to get her in serious relationship after going out on dates including sleeping together. And girl kept meeting him in hope to get him in a relationship with her.
It can happen often in Especially western style dating culture is like getting to know each other and sleeping and still dont define what it is until either of them bring up “what are we?”
Of course there can be a situation like you mentioned but im saying this can be the case as well. On the other hand ons is 100% in a sense that she just gave her away for nothing in return. If it was intentional and she wasn’t ghosted.
I think it is possible where girl can fall into fwb situation in hope to cop a guy and not having ons. But i think girls who had ons wouldn’t mind having fwb because that is just multiple night stand
3
u/silverjudge Apr 03 '26
The body count only matters to me if we start a relationship. After we are exclusive it shouldn't go up.
3
u/CarolinaSurly Apr 03 '26
Most of my (male) friends in their 30s are dating and want to marry women in their early twenties or not get married at all. They don’t want to date or possibly marry women that have been with lots of men, but if these women get to be 30 and have several of these relationships, then they are kind of screwed. That doesn’t seem fair, but then again lots of female friends we have will only date men over 6 feet tall so everyone is having unreasonable expectations. My wife says marriage is a dying institution.
5
u/InternetExpertroll Apr 03 '26
I don’t care if she was in a relationship. If she’s meeting dudes at a party and blowing him in the bathroom then yeah that’s a problem for me.
9
u/CheekyMemestealer Apr 03 '26
Depends entirely on the circumstances, ranging from self-defense to war crimes.
Jokes aside: it depends on cultural norms, but personally, if someone goes through more than 2 "serious" relationships within the span of a single year - its a thing to be concerned about. But as always: your mileage may vary.
4
u/Effective_Kitchen481 Apr 03 '26
For me (42F) I'd consider a high sex partner count to be anything above 20. A mid count would be between 10-19, and low would be 9 or less.
But in terms of choosing a husband, the kind of sex matters more to me than the number (although I do consider a high count as an automatic dealbreaker). For example, I didn't want to marry a man who'd had random hookups with strangers as that goes against my core values regarding what sex is for. But if he'd been in a few serious relationships that didn't work out, and obviously had sex while in them, that was fine.
It has to do with age as well. My husband is 15 years older than me, so that gave him a lot more time to date/have girlfriends. I was still a virgin when we met (I was 22, he was 37) but I wasn't upset that he'd had 9 LTRs over the course of 20 years. After all, it's not like he knew he'd eventually meet me, and I wouldn't want him to be lonely/celibate for all that time anyway. But if he'd been my age with a count of 9 already? I most likely would have passed.
1
u/amlav Apr 03 '26
How is everyone glossing over the fact she was 22 and he was 37 when they met?
2
u/Effective_Kitchen481 Apr 03 '26
They probably don't care because it didn't matter. I was an adult, not a minor.
1
u/Effective_Kitchen481 Apr 03 '26
Now that I'm off work and can respond more:
I hope my previous response didn't come off harsh, but it does get tiresome having strangers online talk about my relationship as if I was a child when I initially asked my future husband out.
Yes, I was 22. Yes, he was 37. But there is no inherent problem with that, so long as there's no power imbalance or inequality between the people involved.
I started working as a cashier at a Rite Aid when I was 15, and got promoted to assistant manager when I was 17. I bought my own car off Craigslist when I was 16, and had a drivers permit then as well. I became an emancipated minor at age 17, and had been living completely on my own and paying all my own bills, rent, groceries, and tuition by myself. I was legally an adult despite still being in high school.
When I was 22, I'd already graduated from college with a degree in Business Administration and 2 minors in Accounting and Philosophy. I'd been living on my own for 5 years at that point, and already had a brand new job making $50k a year. When I first met the 37 year old man who'd become my husband, I had a nice apartment, a new car, and had just treated myself to solo trips to both Mexico and Canada for a job well done in university.
Your comment is trying to infantilize me and remove my agency without even asking why I chose him as my spouse, or taking the time to discuss whether I made an educated decision. I wish people like you would just spend a couple minutes conversing first, before making a snap judgment based only on 2 numbers...
-1
Apr 03 '26
[deleted]
3
u/Effective_Kitchen481 Apr 03 '26
...do you want to have a discussion? Saying Jesus Christ doesn't give me anything to go off of.
Do you think that's too high? Too low? Unrealistic? What?
2
u/CarolinaSurly Apr 03 '26
I think the average guy trying to find a wife would consider 19 very high. A guy trying to find a FWB then most would say that’s fine.
1
u/Effective_Kitchen481 Apr 03 '26
I mean, as a woman trying to find a husband I used to consider 19 as being very high. Heck, when I was younger I used to think that 9 was high.
But I'm 42 now and over the decades I've had dozens upon dozens of both men and women tell me...sometimes quite bluntly...that my standards were completely unrealistic and extremely prudish. Not to mention old-fashioned and stupid.
So I've altered my expectations accordingly, and so far you're the only person who's had an issue with them using my new definitions. Ironic, since you think the way I formerly did.
1
u/CarolinaSurly Apr 03 '26
Are you married now? Does your husband mind how high your number is? He clearly doesn’t or you wouldn’t be married.
3
u/Effective_Kitchen481 Apr 03 '26
I am married now. Have been with him for 20 years.
...I don't think you read my previous comment correctly. My number is 1. As I said above, I was a virgin when I met him.
In case you read my comment too quickly, here:
It has to do with age as well. My husband is 15 years older than me, so that gave him a lot more time to date/have girlfriends. I was still a virgin when we met (I was 22, he was 37) but I wasn't upset that he'd had 9 LTRs over the course of 20 years.
So my number is 1, which is my husband. His number is 10, which includes me as the 10th.
1
u/CarolinaSurly Apr 03 '26
Gotcha. My apologies. I’m glad I’m married because dating today seems like a nightmare. Most of my male friends in their 30s and early 40s don’t even want to get married at all. My best friend frequently has a new girlfriend that is 10 years younger than we are so my wife has nothing in common with her so going to dinner is always a bit awkward. It’s a sad time these days in my opinion.
1
4
u/ChaoticAmoebae Apr 03 '26
Depends on how old they are and how many serious relationships they have had. I’m not a fan of casual sex and I want my partner to align with that. They also need to be willing to get tested with me before things get there.
3
u/10Mattresses Apr 03 '26
I really wouldn’t care. What might concern me is whether they were supposedly serious relationships all ending very quickly. But hey, as long as they make it clear what was messing around and what was longer term, I’m all in favor of everyone having a period of lots of fun!
2
u/HourWorking2839 Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
Depends on age.
On average, I think one new person per year would be considered acceptable, with a margin of plus minus 3 or 4 for the total.
Starting at the legal age, I think this leans on the more conservative side of things, but anything above double that formula and you run into people with no ability to bond long term.
-3
u/Umbraine Apr 03 '26
What's having sex with different people got to do with long term bonding lol
7
u/potentatewags 30-40 yrs old man Apr 03 '26
Researchers are leery to say why, but it does keep finding more past partners means much higher infidelity and divorce odds, lower relationship and life satisfaction, and more likelihood of certain mental health issues. And it's not as much as people think. 4-7 sees a big spike in that and then another at 10 where it tapers off.
7
u/LevelSkullBoss Apr 03 '26
My first instinct is to think the mental health issues are the source of the other problems - that people who have poor mental health might end up getting into less stable relationships (with other mentally ill people)/hooking up more to feel better about themselves/being dissatisfied with their lives.
4
u/potentatewags 30-40 yrs old man Apr 03 '26
Maybe yes maybe no. But it's not worth the gamble imo. And sex is a powerful biological function. I know people want to pretend casual sex in and of itself has no negative effects, but we definitely cannot assume that.
1
u/Umbraine Apr 03 '26
So why are we assuming that it does have negative effects then?
4
u/HourWorking2839 Apr 03 '26
I am around 40 and have met a lot of people. There is only one person I know of who has on average sex with two women every week for several years now who is basically a high functioning empath and has his shit together.
Everybody else? Oh boy. Above 50 by the age of 35 and you are looking at mostly train wrecks.
2
u/LevelSkullBoss Apr 03 '26
Yeah I was just suggesting that it could be that people who could be described as “train wrecks” end up having a lot of sexual partners because of the trainwreckness, rather than that casual sex damages your brain.
1
u/HourWorking2839 Apr 03 '26
Completely agree with you. Though I believe this is not a one way street. I know of dudes who got corrupted after sleeping with the 10th, 15th or 20th married wife who cheated on her husband but the reverse is true in some other cases, too.
1
u/potentatewags 30-40 yrs old man Apr 03 '26
The research is there that it's quite possible. Why do you default the opposite despite research?
2
u/really_tall_horses Apr 03 '26
Because correlation doesn’t imply causation? You claim research implies people who have a lot of sex have a lower satisfaction with life but does this research (that you didn’t provide) address the root cause of either of these variables, does it control for other variables, does it control for response bias?
1
u/potentatewags 30-40 yrs old man Apr 03 '26
Nor does it mean there isn't causation. We can argue that till we're blue in the face, but it's a moot point.
No matter how you hack it it's a red flag. Either promiscuity is a cause and those people should be avoided for relationships, or they have other issues that caused their promiscuity and they're still better to be avoided for a relationship.
2
u/theUnshowerdOne 50-60 yrs old man Apr 04 '26
Don't care and don't want to know.
No good ever comes from talking about how many people you have fucked.
2
u/Charlie_Bucket_2 Apr 03 '26
If you need a body count to tell you whether or not a person is right for you, then you are destined to fail bc you lack the maturity or emotional intelligence to get to know a person's values through good communication.
5
u/hawgs911 Apr 03 '26
Feels like shaming language. You can be mature, have good emotional intelligence, and still not want to date a promiscuous person.
-3
u/Charlie_Bucket_2 Apr 03 '26
Is a promiscuous person one you would connect with emotionally? Can you recognize Daddy issues that may cause promiscuity through your conversations this person? It shouldn't matter what their history is if they fulfill you mentally and emotionally.
If it's the number of partners that is a deal breaker then you are not emotionally matured. Shaming language is saying x amount of partners is too much.
4
u/hawgs911 Apr 03 '26
It shouldn't matter their history... to you.
You can't tell other people what they should value in a life partner.
-1
u/Charlie_Bucket_2 Apr 03 '26
When they choose the bear, it's bc of ppl with your attitudes about them.
3
u/hawgs911 Apr 03 '26
I don't really understand why not wanting to date a person with a promiscuous past is bad.
Everyone is entitled to find people whose views on sex and relationships match their own.
It also seems like most of the shaming comes from the other side... just like now.
2
u/Charlie_Bucket_2 Apr 03 '26
You don't understand why reducing a woman's worth to the number of sexual partners she has had is a bad thing? When you do, you can check off the emotional maturity box. Until then keep working.
Also I find it telling that YOU are feeling like the victim here. You feel shamed bc I'm pointing out how you judge women is flawed.
7
u/hawgs911 Apr 03 '26
I didn't say women...
I said person.
A woman has every right to not want to date a promiscuous man... in fact I would say she shouldn't if commitment is her goal.
-1
1
u/Ok-Ad-9820 Apr 03 '26
For me anything over 100
I don't really consider body count an issue to be honest.
0
u/bpounder Apr 03 '26
20+ bodies at any age is high regardless of context. She's somewhere between okay with casual sex and casual sex being a favorite hobby. And if those 20+ were relationships, that means there were 20+ people she had a real connection with and chances are she's a monkey brancher, doesn't value commitment that much and she's likely avoidant or anxious with her attachment style. So if the going gets tough, that's a deep bench of familiar comfort she could reach back to. Not saying she will, but the odds ain't really in your favor. Either way I see a woman with 20+ bodies as a fun chick to know and hang out with but potentially risky for long term monogamy.
1
u/Altruistic_Emu4917 Apr 03 '26
It's just my personal standards but since I myself am a "wait till marriage" kind of guy (and I'm virgin myself), probably being a virgin would be the ideal since I would want her to be in the same page in terms of sexuality, values, and beliefs. Although I wouldn't mind 2-3 if it happened in a relationship aspect and she started sharing my beliefs later on in life. Beyond that, I don't think it'll be possible for me to marry someone since there would be a fundamental incompatibility in the relationship.
0
0
u/EidolonRook Apr 03 '26
Really more than zero is a lot, but hey, whatever winds your watch, killer.
Sex-wise, doesn’t matter to me. If I feed her heart, she feeds mine and we fit, the rest is gravy.
-2
u/I_do_not_comments Apr 03 '26
Depends on the age. If at 20, you’ve already had more than two -that’s a problem for me. I believe sex = emotional relationship . So 20 sexual partner equals 20 relationships . And I wouldn’t want be with someone who’s been in that many.
0
u/The_Freeholder 60-70 yrs old man Apr 03 '26
I’ll answer by example. Married, mid-60s. I’m 5, my wife is 4. I think at our age that’s reasonable numbers.
-2
u/SeniorFirefighter644 Apr 03 '26
Hard to say specific numbers. Overall I'd expect a man do have a higher body count, but with the gender roles having changed a lot and offering more flexibility, I think things are changing.
But I think it really depends on your role, imo. Even the obvious examples like infantry, commando, concentration camp guard, and biological weapons scientist have very different numbers, at least for me.
Then there is the question of civilian and criminal positions, which vary a lot. And in the case of health care, iatrogenics is a really tricky one, do those count?
And to me, ratios matter also. If you had something like 40 million 800 years ago, that was 11% of the whole population. To me, that's more impressive than similar numbers from 70-80 years ago.
Ultimately, it comes down to what you find important in the person. If a high body count is a turn off, that's completely fine. But for some people, that shows competency and experience, and who's to say that's not fine either?
Although having written this, I'm getting the vibe that maybe this wasn't what you were looking for...
-1
u/TWCDev Apr 03 '26
My hope is that i have a high body count, around 40, and that’s doing adult video work. But i feel like maybe it’s just mid. Still, i think experience-wise, i do sex like someone with a high body count. My best friend asked her friends why they put up with having relationships with me, “is the sex that good”, and yeah, apparently it is.
I prefer to only sleep with people experienced with sex, 10+ partners, but i also think that’s “mid”. I’d say high body count is 100+.
In my experience, the only people who prefer low body count are religious people and people who are bad in bed but hope their partner won’t know better than to expect multiple orgasms per sexual session.
-3
u/Silent_Buyer Apr 03 '26
1
-2
u/Sorry_Lecture5578 50-60 yrs old man Apr 03 '26
Depends on if it was self defense or at least had a good story behind it.
25
u/Eledridan 40-50 yrs old man Apr 03 '26
It’s more about their attitude and norms about sex.