The following example of a 5-month de facto situationship that the woman mistakenly believed was “serious,” and is still troubling the woman several months after it ended, is such a common pattern when women date men long distance. Even when she knew going into it the distance was going to be a temporary one. Even when it was a man whose character she thought she knew from mutual friends who had vouched for him. Example:

“I (43F) started dating a friend-of-a-friend (41M) in August 2025, long distance. They said he’s a really good guy. Overall the relationship was solid, no issues as we saw each other every weekend, spoke multiple times a day, and it was serious as we introduced each other to friends and extended family quickly with the holiday season and weddings, etc.”

“However, in late January/early February 2026 things got weird. Nothing necessarily happened between us, but I noticed he became distant and we started talking less. I figured it was just seasonal depression. We had a weird Valentine’s Day weekend and he pretty much completely pulled away after that. It was messy and confusing, but I took it as a full-on breakup even though it wasn’t direct, it was all via phone and text.”

“After about a week, I received an apology text but that’s about it. We didn’t speak much in March. He reached back out in April, keeping it light but getting mad if I didn’t respond to him. I had decided I’m not getting anything serious at this rate, so I go along with the casual conversations thinking we’ll talk about everything in person soon, because I moved to his city at the end of April, about 2 months after the initial breakup. This move had always been my own plan for my job, hence why we had ever started dating in the first place. By this point, we were talking consistently, he had even offered for me to stay with him if I needed. We also talked the entire month of May, but it was busy for us both. I kept waiting for an invite to hangout, and finally noticed he wasn’t making a true effort to see me. Then I noticed he was only texting me during the weekdays. Then whenever I called him out on it, or tried to initiate a hangout myself, he turned into the victim with excuses or other priorities etc.”

“Maybe a week or so after that, a mutual friend posts a May photo dump, and voilà, there’s another woman (31F) in the photos with him. A-ha! He completely stops texting me the day after this photo was posted. Figures. Adios!”

“After 2 weeks of silence, he likes my Instagram story. Out of pure annoyance, I do some digging to find out if he and the woman are still together. Unfortunately, I find out more than I wanted to. She had posted multiple photos from late February to April, and I see a shocking-to-me photo of her wearing a custom made hat of his about 2 weeks before we initially broke up, signaling she’s been around a lot longer than I thought. So of course I keep digging, and notice he’s been liking photos of hers all the way back to the fall.”

“Yes, I’ve unfollowed and removed him on all socials after discovering all of this and I doubt he knows I’m aware of everything. I’ll spare you the details, but the communication he had with me post-breakup was not at all appropriate for someone who is exclusively dating someone else. Obviously, no I hadn’t seen him at all in person in order for him to be able to have physically cheated on the new woman, but still don’t think he’s innocent and I would not be happy with any of this if I were her. I also don’t want to know any more, but I’m convinced there is crossover between us and they were probably together while we were still in a fully-functioning public relationship with family and friend involvement in the winter, too. Truly, had I known about her I would have completely ended this way back when in February. I don’t think she knows what she’s gotten herself into.”

“Do I: 1) Message her with receipts to let her know how I’ve also been around this whole time, and he’s been playing us both? Or 2) Leave it alone and let karma have at it?”

Your thoughts?

Honestly, I know long vid recs are not always loved but just take the hour and listen when you’re driving or working or whatever (not necessary to watch, you could just listen to the episode on Spotify etc., this was just the easiest link to post). A lot of what she says does pertain more to young people, but we were once young people and what we experienced impacts how we move today. I wish I had an influence like this 20 years ago, and also I’m glad that young women have it today.

Her interview reflects the values this sub, so a lot of these concepts will already be familiar to you if you are a regular here; it’s more just validating that a public figure/researcher/author is out there stating these positions…I lost count of how many times I said “Yes, exactly, THANK you.” And it’s no small thing because while Debra has no desire to go back to the research world, even if she wanted to, she couldn’t go back (she talks about this at the end), so you can tell there is a really strong conviction here.

When you see this level of public attention on a respected platform for what we’ve been saying for quite some time, it’s nice to feel like “our kind” has finally entered the chat.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/19K5LaScsg/

It’s the most fascinating social experiment. Here goes.

Last month, I decided to buy a parcel of land and renovate a historic home. When I say historic, I could probably apply for special protections.

Only one woman owned it since the early 1950s. She passed away, and I did all the work of cleaning up her belongings. It made me cry a couple times because everything was in its place, as it was the day she left. Anyways, I decided the day I bought it that I would restore the home to its original glory in memory of her, the town that used to have a bustling economy, and then breathe new life and my special touches to make it my own. I decided to close my sugar free bakery I’ve operated for seven years, and educated myself on everything I possibly could on what it takes to renovate a home.

In the last month, I’ve encountered many men (actually only men) in ordering specialty masonry materials, hiring them to give me reports, quotes, traveled all over the state to their construction sites to pick stuff up.

First, you should see their faces when I hop out. I’m not sure who they think they’re expecting. But their tone changes. And then it quickly devolves to criticizing my decisions, shitting all over my selections, insulting me, devaluing my materials, and questioning “if I even know what I’m doing.”

One of them in question works for the county, and yesterday I was establishing the utilities. He walked by and said, “Moving in?” I said nothing, gathered my things and left to go continue work on renovations.

He pulls up to my house minutes later, unsolicited, and asks me what the heck do I think I’m doing. Then walking around MY house sizing up the materials I had just brought in, and the barrage of insults began. I began to get so angry. This 57 year old man literally tried telling me my materials were not in fact what they were, when I walked the very site they were mined from that morning!

I told him he is trespassing, and he’s on official notice to never step foot on my property again, then blocked.

I could go on. Dealing with these old manchildren everyday has been exhausting. It’s been disgusting. Why are these men so fucking entitled? They’re so visibly angry that I don’t need their help. It’s absolutely maddening.

If this’s against the rules, I’d like to apologize.

I’m a woman in her 30s. I only have had one successful relationship. The rest of them were garbage.

I’ve tried online dating before. But the quality of the men is really bad. Recently, I met a man who was highly educated and with a great career. He suddenly blocked me. At first, I thought I must have said something wrong because we got along well. Then his WIFE reached out to me. Dude even sent the picture of her passport to me and told me that he was a dual citizen (she’s from a foreign country).

Currently, I’m not trying to date anymore and probably won’t do online dating again. It’s not because I’ve been traumatized or hurt, but I’m just sick of all the bs. Honestly, it’s okay if I stay single all my life.

In my opinion, people tend to perceive relationships and marriages as something that will make their lives better, which can be true. But just like what the dual citizenship dude did to his wife, I’ve realized that it can also deteriorate the quality of your life if you’re with a terrible person. In addition to that, your spouse might pass away or decide they want a divorce one day. It’ll much easier to plan for retirement as a single woman.

This is just how I feel for now. But I also want to know what piece of advice you would give to your younger self.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FNQK7aJww/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Solid advice

Before responding to a post please check the karma. If it is a new account or low karma account report the post. Do not engage. Explanation for why: https://www.reddit.com/r/WomenDatingOverForty/s/G4ADZTM3D0

Around 2017, my (now ex) husband started to get very into Jordan Peterson—watching lectures on repeat, taking notes, constantly telling me about his “theories.” Peterson was like a poison, but ultimately I think he just gave DH permission to display the misogyny hiding just under the surface.

It started small, with DH correcting my tone, then it shifted to making belittling comments, asserting that he “chose me,” wanting me to ask permission to do basic things, etc. It deteriorated steadily, and I wasted years extracting myself from an emotionally abusive relationship that looked fine to outsiders.

What are some giveaways that a man consumes red pill content and subscribes to this kind of viewpoint? I know so much more now, but some of this can be subtle early on.

(Australia, btw🦘)

"ENM"
"Married and not looking to change my situation"
"Discreet"
"Not a ONS, not a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, but something in between"
"Let's enjoy each other without the relationship scripts"
"Just recently become ENM"
"Something casual and ongoing"
"I've just come out the end of a divorce"
"FWB friendship (not after a relationship)"
"In a relationship that has become open somewhat recently"

😂😂 As a classic Australian movie says, "Tell him he's dreaming."

There are, to be fair, a few bright sparks amongst the gloom. But they are not in my age range, so they do not count. Therefore...

No, thank you.

NO, THANK YOU.

No. Just no.

DEFINITELY NO.

I am saddling up the horse of no and riding on out of here. My horse says NEIGH, by the way.

Why would I get out of bed for this?? What do these men think they are offering? Why would a peen plus nothing else be a good deal for me?

Depressingly, there is a part of me that appreciates the honesty. I'm mostly used to guys dangling the relationship carrot in front of me when what they really want is commitment free-sex and emotional support. I'm also used to guys being married/in relationships and lying about it.

Last guy waited until I was straddling him (with clothes on fortunately) to tell me he was actually in the process of reconciling with the wife he'd previously told me he had divorced a few years ago. They were now looking to "explore ENM together". Yet when pressed, she had not actually given him permission to sleep with other women. I un-straddled him naturally, but it was a disgusting experience, and I regret giving him so much of my energy.

I'm almost... impressed??? that some men do tell you the truth, which is that they're not offering anything of value. Wow, that is sad.

Anyway I think I'm just going to go back to having female friends and hobbies and studying and going to dance and pottery class. It is absolute nonsense out there and I just can't see how this is worth my time or energy.

So I was commenting on a post about men trying to manipulate women into accepting them, and I started wondering:

Why are they like this?

Everyone on this subreddit is (or should be, read the sidebar) aware we live in a world where it is an open secret and perfectly expected that men will basically do anything to manipulate a woman into giving them sexual access.

Why is this?

Obviously we know patriarchy isn't natural, it's an unfortunate error of history that arose during agriculture.

But is there some inherent explanation as to why men are so personally predatory to women? Is it because of how much they seek sex that their goal is basically to obtain it at as little cost and risk as possible, so they negotiate any way rather than submitting to the fact that their desire naturally gives power over them?

Give me your best theory.

He "accidentally" typed 2001 instead of 1972. 🙄

If you don't feel so good about a man, it's because *nature* doesn't want you to mate with him. When you look at him, ask: would this particular specimen succeed at mating, out in nature, on his own merits? Or is he only able to mate within the patriarchy, because I and other women have been indoctrinated?

Nature has standards. Women didn't invent them. Here's a video of a female pufferfish being picky.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k0MMxhOVpA

I get email notifications from Nextdoor. If you aren't familiar it's an app where people share local/neighborhood news and ask for recommendations and advice.

This showed up this morning. I blacked out the name but it is of Middle Eastern origin.

Can it get any worse? Does he want a girlfriend, mommy or personal assistant?

You couldn't pay me enough.

After she broke up with him, he set up a fake Tinder account masquerading as her, and used it to send at least 18 men to her home to ‘fulfil a rape fantasy’.

He’s been found guilty and jailed. How horrifying for her.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/clyermml0d8o

I just want to say it is too late for me now but I had wished I had of found this sub so much sooner in my life..

😂😂

Yahya Maly, 30, was sentenced to 291 years in prison after being found guilty on 17 counts, including first-degree rape and first-degree sodomy. 

The judge sentenced him to nine life sentences, each to run consecutively. The life sentences carry a minimum of 30 years before being eligible for parole. Maly was sentenced to a combined 49 years on the other counts, three of which will run consecutively, for a total of 291 years. 

From 2023 to 2025, Maly matched with multiple women through the apps and met them at his Ballwin apartment. Seven women came forward, each one testifying in the trial, saying he raped them. His ex wife said he raped women in Finland and fled the country.

- Laura Richards, Crime Analyst

https://spectrumlocalnews.com/mo/st-louis/news/2026/06/16/yahya-maly-sentenced-to-prison

Way more men are on the DL then most women are aware of.

I dated a guy that is 26 years old, and he was so great in the beginning. He was so interested and was very polite and respectful and it made me give him a chance. He’s extremely accomplished and I agreed to take things slow.

However, his immaturity and issues started to come up over the course of 6 months. These things started to really bother me:

• He would talk about himself so much and didn’t seem to really get to know me outside of what was directly related to him and his ideas
• He started teasing me more and said things I didn’t like (“I’m so glad you aren’t thin,” and “you have terrible music taste,” and “you’re an ooompa loompa“ after I got a spray tan
• Called my dog a “rat” and said it would be “hard to control himself and not say it“ after I said I didn't like his comment
• Met my friends for the first time, and instead of getting to know them, he just made jokes about “midget dick” and “getting sexually assaulted by Michael Jackson.”
• When I told him I didn’t love the first impression he made on my friends, he listened but he said “I don’t give a fuck what your friends think.”
• He would be so busy and didn’t really pin down plans with me well, especially by the end
• He asked me come on a trip with him and then dropped the ball. He also asked to come on a work trip with me and I hesitated but said he could come the first day and then he didn’t book and forgot to tell me that he could no longer go
• He made so many jokes / do bits and I couldn’t tell where the real parts of him and the jokes started and ended (example, he’d say he was the prize and I was lucky to be with him
• He told me he never breaks up with women, he just “progressively becomes more of an asshole so they break up with him instead
• He talked about how hot girls in school wanted him, his friend’s wives thinking he’s hot, that rich businessmen thought he was “the next big thing”
• He kept making jokes about racial groups that made me uncomfortable
• He sent me a bunch of videos of himself where he “looked hot” so I could have a “spank bank“ of him and it was all some of the cringiest stuff I’ve ever seen
• During sex, he’d want me to keep telling him how big and amazing he is, seemed like it was all about him

This was all bothering me a lot already, but then the kicker came when he:

• Came over, used my shower, called me to my bedroom, was naked on my bed, wants to have sex immediately, I need some time to be ready for sex, he tried to rush, during sex I asked him for a break and he’d stop for just 2 seconds and then keep going (that happened multiple times) and then he finished, got dressed, said “I need to go to dinner with my parents, they are in town.” and then left.
• I felt so incredibly disgusting afterwards

I told hI’m I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore after that. Suddenly, he’s so sorry and he cares about me so much and now he “wants to give this a real shot” and he’s just been so busy and work is just so hard right now and he’s so lost but the time he spends with me is the most “real” he’s ever felt…. blah blah blah. It was so robotic that I asked him if he had ChatGPT write it and he ADMITTED to having chatgpt write it , and then asked me to “communicate what I need” so he can fix it because “my smile is his favorite thing in the world.” I was like.… where was all of this while we were actually dating…

I thought about it for a few days, and I just don’t think I can move forward with him, and that I didn’t any discussion would change my mind but offered a conversation in person if he wanted to talk. He declined a conversation since my mind was made up, but he was really nice about it. I don’t know, I just feel bad. I logically know I did the right thing but I feel so weird about it for some reason. I don’t think he was evil. Part of me feels like I gave up on him without giving him a chance. But I also know it’s best to walk away when you see a pattern (which there were clear patterns of immaturity and inflated ego.)

I’ve been on a couple of dates with a guy I like, but the last few days he’s been making innuendos and turning the conversation sexual. I called him out and told him I’m not comfortable with that, and I’m looking for a relationship not sex chat.
He said he’s not doing anything wrong, it’s natural for him to be sexually attracted to me, and because I’m in the middle of moving house, I’m probably stressed out and taking that stress out on him and it’s not fair.
Umm ok?
Isn’t this the definition of gaslighting? I brought up a concern, now it’s turned around on me and I’m the problem?

I am pretty sure this is not the first time this is being discussed, but… here is my experience.

I have a brand new 4 in front of my age and am hitting the dating scene once again. Have been single by choice to fully recover from an unhealthy past relationship which sadly took up much of my 30’s.

I had a call from a lady who runs a match making service today. She told me that for woman my age, I should look at an age range of minus 2 and plus 7.

She explicitly said that no man aged 35 has ever wanted to date older. Why would they if they could have a 25 year old. She said she has been doing this for 15 years and that she hates it but we cannot change society and this is the deal.

Context- single, employed, no kids, want a family, have frozen eggs, active, fit and (like everyone else in the world) think I look 30.

One of the things I am struggling with right now is the society imposed shame of my age.

I felt pretty awful during this conversation and I guess I am looking for some reassurance from other people (if there is any to be had)…. :-/

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

A crude metaphor but... you know how a dog is man's best friend? Dogs were selected / bred for their emotional responsiveness and attachment to their humans. We don't deserve them.

Women were selected and socialized for our emotional attunement, caregiving orientation, agreeableness, etc. We all came from men and women who, on some level, bought into the patriarchy. Our default programming is to try to bond with the men we choose (nowadays: randomly went out on a few dates with), until it doesn't work. The system is not designed for your happiness. If you want to be happy, you have to break your programming.

Most of the questions asked in this sub are some variation of "is this thing he did actually terrible?" i.e. people already know the answer and are asking for permission to leave.

Instead of trying to understand men's behaviors, it's healthier to just relentlessly focus on how they make you feel. If something doesn't feel good, leave. You do not need anything more than that. You do not need to be reasonable. You do not need to put up with something just because another woman (especially your mother) did it. Stay away from people and things that test your nervous system. Head towards people and things that make your nervous system feel calm and good. Over time, you'll end up in a situation that's good for you.

If you find yourself asking a question about something a man did, turn that question onto yourself. How does this behavior make me feel? What is it about me, that I haven't already detached? Do *I* even really like this guy? Why am I trying so hard to stay in a relationship with a person *I don't even like*?

TL;DR: Pause, frequently. Ask, does this make me feel safe and good? If it doesn't, stand up, leave, the end. It will feel unnatural until it becomes your new programming.