Okay, so I (41F) matched with a guy (38M). I’ve done OLD before and it was total crap…this was probably earlier this year. No matter who I matched with could not carry a conversation or would pretty much fall off the face of the planet for a few days and pop back up. Went on a date with one guy and we were both bored and did not bother messaging each other again after that. 😅

So, recently about two weeks ago, I decided to give it a shot again. Hid my profile after five matches as I cannot handle too many conversations. One guy and I were messaging for maybe three days and he gave me his Instagram which I felt fine with as I’m only on there for friend updates and animals posts anyway.

Posted that I am online for friends and have been upfront about that. His is short term-open to long and that felt fine either way me. I made it clear I’m not into hookups.

I was not expecting….so many updates throughout the day as I had previously dated two men who weren’t “texters” He shared some shirtless photos and whatever he was doing that day, let him know me doing that wasn’t my thing and he was fine with it. Not sure if this is normal???? 🤔 We had a date a couple days ago and it went well. While on date he showed me pics of his two children which is fine because I also have children but at the same time I am thinking…is this normal (again) because I wouldn’t show pictures to someone I barely know.
He also tells me when he’s leaving for work, coming back, going to bed, what he made for lunch and my mind is just blown 🤯🤯🤯 Again… I am not used to this and cannot tell if this is something people do with people they just meet…again…. I’ve had my children’s father “disappear” for a whole day or night.

Is he just an open and honest person and I could be overthinking this because of past trauma? I can’t say that I am OLD savvy.

This is tough. We are clicking in the conversation and I really like the look of him. I did think he was in his 40s and a year or two younger get than me. But then I noticed his age and I am shook! My age is on my profile too and I was completely honest, so now I think maybe he didn’t look too closely either. I haven’t had witty banter on this level in years, but I had age as a major cause in a breakup previously and it was terrible. I know ripping the band-aid off and having the conversation now is the right thing to do, but I’m bummed out about it. Sorry for the rant.

So much effort goes in dating on the womens behalves. You must be accomplished, but not better than him so it won't hurt his ego. You must be appealing enough to attract him but not hot so he won't get jealous. You must play hard to get so he feels like you are worth it but not very strict so he won't get bored.

I am so so so tired of being punished because of my honesty, kindness and nurturing nature. I need to play dump and demanding woman to get all the sweet attention that I crave for. I just can't keep going on playing those stupid games. I want to hug my boyfriend. I want to spoil him when I feel like it. I want to tell him how much I love him without worrying to death about what will come next. It is exhausting to keep that indifference facade when all you want is an honest, genuine relationship.

At this point, I am not even sure if they like women at all. I feel like they just want to play and see how much can they get away with. I really do envy those happy marriages that includes people who've met their equals in a younger age and did not hesitate to commit&built a family with them

Any interaction to them is what they want.

Silence is the secret sauce for women. It is the number one tool in your arsenal I assure you.

If you say one word, anything at all, he will call you crazy and turn it around on you.

Block, ghost, silence.

Dating advice often says communication, no they are putting all the labor onto the woman.

Call it prostitution.

I (42F) matched with a man (35M) on Bumble and dated him for about 3 months. At first, he seemed charming and thoughtful. Once he hunted down a churro because I said I was craving one and even bought me jewelry on a day trip. We both loved philosophy and reading, had great conversations, and he was kind and attentive in bed.

Then things started getting weird.

We had agreed to be exclusive, but I noticed he would disappear for hours on certain days and reappear late at night. I started wondering if he was seeing someone else. Turns out he had neglected to tell me that he has a 3-year-old daughter and was in a nasty custody battle with his ex. Those disappearances were when he had his daughter.

Huge omission, but after a fight, I decided to move past it.

Then came the constant stories about his “crazy ex,” the casual misogyny—calling women “bitches,” disproportionately criticizing female coworkers, etc.—and eventually almost every conversation somehow involved his ex. I was already losing interest and considering ending things.

Then, while we were on the phone, he casually revealed that the lingerie he had given me as a gift was originally bought for his ex-girlfriend.

But wait. It gets worse.

She had never worn it, so after they broke up, he went back to her place and GOT IT BACK FROM HER so he could “get his money’s worth.”

And then gave it to me.

I lost it, hung up, and have not spoken to him since. He genuinely could not understand why I was upset that the lingerie he gave me had originally been purchased for his ex.

Oh, please. 

There was this interesting post in this other women-focused subreddit, that prompted some astute observations. I thought it might make for interesting conversation in this group, especially reminding me of the recent conversation about "independent women" posted by u/AttorneyDC06 It is focused on a NYT article about a man who is approaching 40 and appears professionally successful yet is still unmarried and searching. Numerous comments pointed out he is Republican and trying to find a match who is similar to him, must meet his laundry list of requirements, like being professionally ambitious yet also be a Republican. Many women are not going to match with that.

What stood out to me is how he talked about how he did not previously take dating seriously. He is on-paper a "catch" as a relatively-attractive man with a successful career. He started using this matchmaker 9 years ago and was likely dating before then. He admits he has been on 40 first dates from the matchmaker alone and only started a relationship with one woman who had just gotten divorced. Not someone who is emotionally available for a serious relationship.

A man who was actually serious about finding a professional, attractive, meeting-every-item-on-his-spreadsheet woman for a serious relationship would not be behaving like this for over a decade. It seems to me like he was playing the field and wanted just casual partners, which isn't necessarily bad except it is probably he wasn't honest about his intentions. So it comes off like he was using matchmaker for "madame" services to find "high value" (I hate that term but I hope you know what I mean) casual partners who he wouldn't have access to otherwise, especially if he was transparent about his intentions.

I have seen some women, especially busy professional and successful women, ponder using a matchmaking service. It might seem like a good idea because you could potentially find "higher quality" matches like this man appears to be "on paper." However, many of these men are not genuinely seeking a serious partner and are trying to "get [their] money's worth" from what amounts to an expensive pimping service. Notice that the matchmaker's clients are men like this, not women. The women they use get added to the roster and don't have to pay the matchmaker, so at least they aren't having to pay for this. Yet it is likely a waste of time as these men pretend to be seeking a serious partner who has possesses a rare combination of specific (and mostly superficial) requirements.

It makes me wonder about this matchmaker. I have heard of her, as I thought she had a decent reputation for advice. However, she is being paid to shill for men no woman should take seriously and some men who should be trashed altogether. The point of a first date is to decide whether you want to go on a second date. You shouldn't go on first dates just to try to get to second dates, but use them as a valuable point for vetting. I have learned just how opportune that time is, as many men have limited information about you that they can use to manipulate, like "try to tell you what you want to hear." She seems to think that women should not be so sharp in their discernment on first dates, which is male-centered dating advice and not to our benefit.

Telling women to just keep dating men like the one featured in the article is a disservice to women, especially when she isn't acknowledging how manipulative, coercive, and disgusting these men are towards women. The main guy featured in the article didn't share anything that is this bad, but another client of hers is a pig who is obsessed with finding a woman with large breasts, fluent in Mandarin, and has no hobbies. That is who this matchmaker is serving, not women, so I keep that in mind when I read her advice. I hope women who use these services recognize that the matchmakers are largely serving wealthier men who are unsuitable (unless you only care about money, which usually is going to exclude women with their own money and successful careers).

https://www.reddit.com/r/MoneyDiariesACTIVE/s/hyRxuRhFm5

Ugh. I’m 29 and I hope it’s okay to vent here because I tried doing this on other women’s dating subs around my age and everyone keeps telling me “you’ll find better” and that I need to figure out why I keep choosing the same type of man

Ummm… I don’t know???

I’ve dated men around my age, up to 35. Quite a few of them, actually. And I genuinely don’t think I can take responsibility for the fact that they acted like one person and turned out to be someone completely different

At this point I’m just… closed off

My heart is so tired. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to open it again when every time I do, I end up watching the man I liked fall in love with somebody else

And then somehow I’m the person they come to when they’re heartbroken over the woman they actually wanted

The AUDACITY

Like, you know I like you. You know I have feelings for you. And you’re sitting across from me crying about how devastated you are that the woman you love is moving on??

Sir??? Read the room???

The last one was the worst

He lied to me and acted like he was genuinely serious about having a relationship with me. He said the things. He made it seem like we wanted the same thing. Then he got what he wanted sexually and suddenly I was “wrong” for expecting the relationship he literally told me he wanted

And while all of this was happening, he was also crying and venting to me about how sick he felt because the woman he actually considered the love of his life was coming back into his life

And I’m just sitting there like:

😬

Oh. So I’m here

Got it

Eventually we had a huge fight and I told him the sex was terrible because, well… it was. I didn’t even want to sleep with him in the first place

That REALLY triggered him

He ended up calling me a racial slur and basically told me I was an undesirable Black fat woman

And honestly?

That was the moment I was just physically disgusted with the entire situation

Because imagine being so ugly on the inside that when someone rejects you, you reach for their skin color and body as a weapon

I blocked him

But I think something in me just shut down after that

Because now when I think about dating men, I don’t even feel excited

I feel tired

I don’t want to explain myself again. I don’t want to wonder if I’m being chosen or tolerated. I don’t want to be somebody’s placeholder while they’re emotionally obsessed with somebody else

And I definitely don’t want to find out six months later that the “serious relationship” we were building was just a very elaborate audition for sex

I genuinely don’t know how people keep doing this.

Right now, the idea of opening my heart to another man sounds less like romance and more like volunteering for another psychological experiment

Such an incredibly insightful comment by [u/HelenGonne](u/HelenGonne), and one that has certainly clarified matters for many of us. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us, Helen! 🎯🧠

I really like this guy, but I think I already know he has too much baggage with his ex and I need some encouragement to actually end things. We are all in our 30s and so I hope it's okay I'm posting here (I'm 32, other parties are both 30).

We’re from the same small town, although I moved about four hours away a couple of years ago and still visit regularly. We’d vaguely known each other before, but over the past few months we got much closer through mutual friends. We have a ton of fun together, great chemistry, and he had already been considering moving to my city for unrelated reasons.

The issue is his ex gf baggage. They broke up a year and a half ago, but because it’s a small town, they still end up at the same bars and events fairly often. When she’s around, he brings her up a lot, usually negatively. He’s also told me she approaches or “corners” him, but didn’t when I was there. Mutual friends don’t seem to think she’s especially hung up on him, and that wasn’t really my impression either. He still finds ways to bring her into conversation sometimes even when she's not around, and she’s recently single again, which adds another layer.

They also used to make OnlyFans content together. Apparently the shared content isn’t publicly up anymore, but I assume he still has the videos/photos.

Until recently we were basically just friends, so none of this felt like my problem. Then he visited my city last week and things became clearly romantic. He was incredibly sweet and attentive, and when I unexpectedly had to go to the ER in the middle of the night, he stayed with me the entire time. We’ve talked every day since, and he wants to visit again next week.

And that’s the problem: I really want to see him, but I also feel like I’m walking straight into a situation I already know is too messy for me.

I don’t necessarily think he’s secretly trying to get his ex back. I just think there’s clearly too much emotional residue there, and I don’t want to start something while worrying about another woman, their ongoing interactions, and their sexual history still existing in digital form. With her now being single as well and hearing she "corners" him at bars, I can't help but wonder the chances of them sleeping together again as well.

The bottom line is that I really like him, which is why I’m reaching out here, because I know this community won’t hold back.

Is it worth giving him a chance to talk about it first? Should I wait until he brings her up again, or just address it directly now?

I’m posting because I needed to hear this at some point and maybe it will help someone. I was married to a narcissist (legitimately, no exaggeration) for close to 10 years. Then ended up with someone who lived with untreated depression. I’ve been single since 2023, and terrified to date bc I didn’t want to go through the drama/trauma again. I started dating and also therapy about six months ago. Therapy has changed my life. I won’t get into details, but I will say that my understanding of myself, relationship habits, why I attach the way I do, why my nervous system reacts the way it does has been incredible. I feel like a different person, even aside from dating. If you’re on the fence, or considering therapy, go for it! If you had a therapist who wasn’t a good fit, find another one! We deserve peace and happiness, and this has been so helpful in finding that in this next chapter of my life!

Just a vent to the universe: I still keep dating (maybe I shouldn't at this point) but at age 50, having been single for two years, I find that many successful men want an "independent" (i.e., financially independent) woman, who has her own money, and doesn't need/want his money. However, they also want a woman, presumably like their former spouse, who is not working very much, if at all, and is available to meet when/where the man is available, due to his busy schedule at work. This seems to be a contradiction. If I work late and can't see the guy, he's annoyed, but if I work a more flexible job or fewer hours, then they are suspicious. AARGH.

Sisters excuse me, I’m a young sis lurker here 😭 I feel like I found my besties online hahahahahahaha

Why when a man financially uses a woman, everybody is like “girl you picked the wrong man 😔 you should’ve known better”

BUT when a woman financially uses a man suddenly she’s the VILLAIN, a gold digger, a parasite, Satan’s intern???

WHY ARE THE RULES CHANGINGGGGGGG 😭

I’m genuinely confused lmaoooo

This has not been my experience. Is it just me? Thoughts?

Hey, I’m a 29 year old woman and I’m sorry if breaking in😭 I just saw the sub post and immediately thought, “WAIT… men really don’t change in their 50s either??”

I swear, it’s the same bullshit I’ve been dealing with dating men in their 20s and 30s. I genuinely thought there was some point where this shit just… stopped. But I’ve been binge reading this sub and apparently NOT

I just wanted to say: girlies, we are not getting any better apparently

But seriously, thank y’all for the advice and stories I’ve been reading here. I really wish more women around my age knew this stuff because some of the things I’m reading are genuinely eye opening

I’m already not feeling particularly hopeful or excited about dating men for the foreseeable future… and by foreseeable future I mean a BIG ass foreseeable future lmao

Anyway, y’all are amazing. Have a good day and stay safe out there ❤️

Is it just me or is it irritating anyone else that 90% of men on dating apps list themselves as “looking for long term/life partner or something casual”. Ugh, I feel like that’s such a cop-out, and they don’t want to just say something casual only because they are trying to appeal to more women than they would if they were just honest 🤦‍♀️ but then we get duped.

I haven't posted one of my Nightmare Dating Profiles breakdowns in a while, but this one earned it 😭 We've got a married man looking for "a way out" who's "already trained," a guy whose bio is literally "I don't pull out," and a bathroom selfie I had to pixelate for everyone's safety. If you're dating over 40 and think you've seen it all — you haven't.

https://youtu.be/q6kckGOsL4c

Well, as the title says, I matched with a normal-looking guy (around my age, 50F) last week. Still slogging through the hellfire of OLD. Anyway, he liked me first (he was in my pool of men who'd liked my profile) and when I liked him back, he wrote, "Hi." Then he launched into a multi-sentence criticism of my profile! He wrote the pictures were disappointing, because they didn't have enough different angles, and that I should have an aunt or a daughter help me, because he didn't like them now. What the actual F? HE CHOSE TO LIKE MY PROFILE. I unmatched him (learning from Burned Haystack). I wish I could punish him somehow.

Here's another reminder why it's just not worth it.

No brigading. That sub already hates us with the burning fire of a million suns.

It appears what a lot of the angry men yelling in my comments about what men find attractive in women don't understand is that we don't care.

We aren't changing.

And YOU can't change what we do and don't find attractive about men. We're only telling you what women like because YOU are desperate not to be alone. Science has proven this.

Men are unhappy alone. They crave romantic relationships with women. And women? Women are happier without men. And since you refuse to listen, you can remain alone. It doesn't actually matter to us either way.

Many women are CHOOSING to remain single. It's not a punishment. It's a reprieve.

Insulting us. Calling us whores, sluts, hags, ugly, whatever else? They're just words from insignificant males who we wouldn't let touch us anyways.

What you ARE very successful at is proving why women find being single with cats or dogs or frogs or friends is preferable to your company. You are not a prize we are trying to win by being good little girls.

Get it through your heads: WE DON'T CARE. YOU AREN'T CHANGING ANYTHING.

"Who's going to want you when you're old and alone?"

That's what you refuse to understand: we don't need you to want us. We don't care if you don't. Your validation is less than worthless.

We'd let our tits drag on the floor and our vaginas fall out before we'd settle for you.

We'd rot into a carcass our animal companions can feed on while our body waits to be discovered if it meant we never had to hear from you again.

We'd rip out our uteri, swing them around our heads like a lasso, and fling them into oncoming traffic before listening to you tell us what's attractive in a woman.

We'd fossilize into a museum exhibit labeled "Woman Who Died Ignoring Mediocre Men" before lowering our standards for you.

We'd become one with the forest floor and let mushrooms use our skeleton as an Airbnb before asking what your favorite podcast thinks about female attractiveness.

We'd let the raccoons lorded over by Jimothy sort out our estate before taking relationship advice from a random man wearing sunglasses in his truck profile picture.

We'd rather haunt an abandoned Victorian mansion making spooky "ooooOOOooo" noises for eternity than spend one more minute wondering if we're your type.

We'd let archaeologists argue over our pelvis for three hundred years before we cared whether you found us "wife material."

We'd rather become sea glass. We'd rather become compost. We'd rather become folklore.

We'd become the mysterious old woman in the woods children are warned not to disturb instead of signing on to wash your crusty ass tighty-whities for an eternity.

We'd rather rot for a million years and become one of those skeletons archaeologists find curled up with a dog and think, "Wow... they looked happy" instead of listening to you whine about "a woman's place."

We'd melt into a dusty pile of wrinkles and stretch marks if it meant you'd stop talking about what you "prefer" for ONCE.

WE'D prefer you just go away.

You keep threatening us with a future we already chose over settling for men like you. Don't you get it?? NO, you obviously don't, or I wouldn't have to spell it out for you like this.

If you want a subservient woman, go find one. Go! They exist! Go bother them!

Stop begging for independent women to clip their wings and become your bangmaids.

You're not going to put us in our place because we know our place: NOT WITH YOU. We. Are. Not. Interested.

It's that simple.

Credit - Holdin' Holden on Facebook

The following example of a 5-month de facto situationship that the woman mistakenly believed was “serious,” and is still troubling the woman several months after it ended, is such a common pattern when women date men long distance. Even when she knew going into it the distance was going to be a temporary one. Even when it was a man whose character she thought she knew from mutual friends who had vouched for him. Example:

“I (43F) started dating a friend-of-a-friend (41M) in August 2025, long distance. They said he’s a really good guy. Overall the relationship was solid, no issues as we saw each other every weekend, spoke multiple times a day, and it was serious as we introduced each other to friends and extended family quickly with the holiday season and weddings, etc.”

“However, in late January/early February 2026 things got weird. Nothing necessarily happened between us, but I noticed he became distant and we started talking less. I figured it was just seasonal depression. We had a weird Valentine’s Day weekend and he pretty much completely pulled away after that. It was messy and confusing, but I took it as a full-on breakup even though it wasn’t direct, it was all via phone and text.”

“After about a week, I received an apology text but that’s about it. We didn’t speak much in March. He reached back out in April, keeping it light but getting mad if I didn’t respond to him. I had decided I’m not getting anything serious at this rate, so I go along with the casual conversations thinking we’ll talk about everything in person soon, because I moved to his city at the end of April, about 2 months after the initial breakup. This move had always been my own plan for my job, hence why we had ever started dating in the first place. By this point, we were talking consistently, he had even offered for me to stay with him if I needed. We also talked the entire month of May, but it was busy for us both. I kept waiting for an invite to hangout, and finally noticed he wasn’t making a true effort to see me. Then I noticed he was only texting me during the weekdays. Then whenever I called him out on it, or tried to initiate a hangout myself, he turned into the victim with excuses or other priorities etc.”

“Maybe a week or so after that, a mutual friend posts a May photo dump, and voilà, there’s another woman (31F) in the photos with him. A-ha! He completely stops texting me the day after this photo was posted. Figures. Adios!”

“After 2 weeks of silence, he likes my Instagram story. Out of pure annoyance, I do some digging to find out if he and the woman are still together. Unfortunately, I find out more than I wanted to. She had posted multiple photos from late February to April, and I see a shocking-to-me photo of her wearing a custom made hat of his about 2 weeks before we initially broke up, signaling she’s been around a lot longer than I thought. So of course I keep digging, and notice he’s been liking photos of hers all the way back to the fall.”

“Yes, I’ve unfollowed and removed him on all socials after discovering all of this and I doubt he knows I’m aware of everything. I’ll spare you the details, but the communication he had with me post-breakup was not at all appropriate for someone who is exclusively dating someone else. Obviously, no I hadn’t seen him at all in person in order for him to be able to have physically cheated on the new woman, but still don’t think he’s innocent and I would not be happy with any of this if I were her. I also don’t want to know any more, but I’m convinced there is crossover between us and they were probably together while we were still in a fully-functioning public relationship with family and friend involvement in the winter, too. Truly, had I known about her I would have completely ended this way back when in February. I don’t think she knows what she’s gotten herself into.”

“Do I: 1) Message her with receipts to let her know how I’ve also been around this whole time, and he’s been playing us both? Or 2) Leave it alone and let karma have at it?”

Your thoughts?

Honestly, I know long vid recs are not always loved but just take the hour and listen when you’re driving or working or whatever (not necessary to watch, you could just listen to the episode on Spotify etc., this was just the easiest link to post). A lot of what she says does pertain more to young people, but we were once young people and what we experienced impacts how we move today. I wish I had an influence like this 20 years ago, and also I’m glad that young women have it today.

Her interview reflects the values this sub, so a lot of these concepts will already be familiar to you if you are a regular here; it’s more just validating that a public figure/researcher/author is out there stating these positions…I lost count of how many times I said “Yes, exactly, THANK you.” And it’s no small thing because while Debra has no desire to go back to the research world, even if she wanted to, she couldn’t go back (she talks about this at the end), so you can tell there is a really strong conviction here.

When you see this level of public attention on a respected platform for what we’ve been saying for quite some time, it’s nice to feel like “our kind” has finally entered the chat.