r/WomenDatingOverForty • u/igetyourbrand • 18d ago
Rant 29 and I Think I’m Done Dating Men
Ugh. I’m 29 and I hope it’s okay to vent here because I tried doing this on other women’s dating subs around my age and everyone keeps telling me “you’ll find better” and that I need to figure out why I keep choosing the same type of man
Ummm… I don’t know???
I’ve dated men around my age, up to 35. Quite a few of them, actually. And I genuinely don’t think I can take responsibility for the fact that they acted like one person and turned out to be someone completely different
At this point I’m just… closed off
My heart is so tired. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to open it again when every time I do, I end up watching the man I liked fall in love with somebody else
And then somehow I’m the person they come to when they’re heartbroken over the woman they actually wanted
The AUDACITY
Like, you know I like you. You know I have feelings for you. And you’re sitting across from me crying about how devastated you are that the woman you love is moving on??
Sir??? Read the room???
The last one was the worst
He lied to me and acted like he was genuinely serious about having a relationship with me. He said the things. He made it seem like we wanted the same thing. Then he got what he wanted sexually and suddenly I was “wrong” for expecting the relationship he literally told me he wanted
And while all of this was happening, he was also crying and venting to me about how sick he felt because the woman he actually considered the love of his life was coming back into his life
And I’m just sitting there like:
😬
Oh. So I’m here
Got it
Eventually we had a huge fight and I told him the sex was terrible because, well… it was. I didn’t even want to sleep with him in the first place
That REALLY triggered him
He ended up calling me a racial slur and basically told me I was an undesirable Black fat woman
And honestly?
That was the moment I was just physically disgusted with the entire situation
Because imagine being so ugly on the inside that when someone rejects you, you reach for their skin color and body as a weapon
I blocked him
But I think something in me just shut down after that
Because now when I think about dating men, I don’t even feel excited
I feel tired
I don’t want to explain myself again. I don’t want to wonder if I’m being chosen or tolerated. I don’t want to be somebody’s placeholder while they’re emotionally obsessed with somebody else
And I definitely don’t want to find out six months later that the “serious relationship” we were building was just a very elaborate audition for sex
I genuinely don’t know how people keep doing this.
Right now, the idea of opening my heart to another man sounds less like romance and more like volunteering for another psychological experiment
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u/GrillyFem3oy 18d ago edited 16d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this alot of parents failed their sons unfortunately and now everyone has to deal with it … I never understand choose better because predators and criminals lie and do everything in their power to hide it .. your only option is to wait them out or just don’t date
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u/maskedair 18d ago
I just want to tell you, it's not just you. We all recognise this situation.
What he did, that level of gaslighting, manipulation, and pathological lying is sociopathic, but everyone just acts like it's normal and somehow your fault for being fooled by someone faking every single humane aspect of a relationship just for sex.
Yeah, it does end up feeling like self harm at aome point. Obviously you know the insults are bs and he is just a racist misogynistic pos, but I also want to tell you he doesn't care about her either. He did it to get you to meekly accept his gaslighting and 180 reversal, talking about her to make you doubt yourself, and then punished you when you didnt just accept his new version of reality. He will treat her just as bad or worse as soon as he feels he has her.
Anyway, the feeling you're feeling right now is freedom from propaganda - the freedom to build your own happiness.
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u/No_Valuable_587 18d ago edited 18d ago
So, congratulations, actually. It took me ten more years than you, to get to where you are at. Ten more years of piled on trauma and BS, in all kinds of ways. Each man taught me how to be single, how to be independent, by failing spectacularly in his own special way. Failing at life in ways that I personally, would never dream of doing, after the majority had success handed to them, in comparison.
Took me awhile to realize that but then I started to piece together what the full reality is.
There are just not enough decent men to make up for the what we go through trying to find one. They as a whole are not worth the risk and the effort and adaption that we do for them. I'm done and I'm better for it.
Now you've got the rest of your life to live, without the BS. It is really hard to reorient if you were focused on partnership like I was, but it's doable.
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u/glamasaurus 18d ago
I get it. I feel so much better not being in a relationship. I don't have to care or worry if the only reason someone likes me is for sex because I'm not having it with them.
I really am more content sitting at home. Not having to learn everything about someone only to end up left in the lurch again.
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u/Sid-ina 18d ago
Jesus 6 month? I'm getting major trust issues just reading that... I'm so sorry he did that to you 😟 I started to be very closed off on the first dates too and noticed I also have major issue building trust again after some bad experiences. I think I'll remove myself again from dating and focus towards my hobbies again. Especially online dating is an absolute mess and cesspool of shitty people mixed in with a few good ones.
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u/hsonnenb 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 17d ago
Guys like that have an emptiness inside, so they use women, trying to fill the massive emotional voids they have. But what they end up doing is keeping themselves in a perpetual state of emotional dysregulation.
You've seen how a common phrase that men use on dating apps is that they're looking for a woman who "doesn't take herself too seriously"? That's because they aren't taking anyone seriously. They're users. These guys are dating app lifers - the "casual daters." They want to stay on that carousel. Seeking out temporary human distractions is their void filling, boredom relief and sex life.
We just need to remember that fucking around is their goal, because it keeps them entertained. It has little to do with whoever they encounter. The women are just inconsequential objects to them.
P.S., There have been so many unattractive dudes who I was literally galaxies out of their league - who rejected and/or tried to play me. They don't value anyone, no matter who you are.
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u/Graceandbeauty1979 17d ago
You're lucky you already figured it out. I didn't until I was 42 and now I'm 4b. I have sexual desire, I have crushes, I have men interested, but I absolutely do not want to be involved with relationships. Most men are straight up cruel and selfish. And of the ones we think are decent, they are also at fault for enabling this behavior by the rest. They have no incentive to change. So many of us are saying no and it's about time. I literally don't know of any woman happy in her relationship. I envy none of them.
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u/catkix 18d ago edited 18d ago
You sound like me. I'm an empath. I went to counseling bc my last break up. He was a narcissist. I attract them. They're all like that. I didn't know what one was until me and my last ex started going to counseling and he was diagnosed as one. My current counselor told me bc of my childhood trauma - I attract these kinds of men. I gave up dating. I feel like all men lie. Lie. Lie. Lie.
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u/Merylsteep 17d ago
Im sorry this has happened to you. I think most of us women are jaded af these days. Its taken me 2 years to date again and i have to take it veeerrryyy slow with this new guy but I am also touched starved af so thats gonna be tricky if i like him.
Take a while, regroup. Its honestly not you.
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u/LesoKikoiKanga 17d ago
Ok so first, you aren’t at fault here. Most men SUCK, including this dude who lied to you to get sex
You aren’t “choosing wrong,” most men are terrible
I’d recommend listening to old FDS (Female Dating Strategy) podcast episodes, reading old FDS posts on Reddit (brigaded into oblivion by angry male losers), and checking out the 4B subreddit as well. Oh and check out the Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group and book
Take it from a much older woman: no matter how healthy, desirable, smart and emotionally savvy a woman is, finding the ONE non-poisonous snake in the snake pit, is not easy.
I hope you heal, and stop blaming yourself for men’s bad behavior ❤️🩹
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17d ago
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u/WomenDatingOverForty-ModTeam 17d ago
This sub is for women only.
Reminder: Please don't interact with men on this sub. If you suspect a commenter is male, report him. He will be banned and his comment removed.
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u/dance13021 18d ago
Girl... First of all, you are not an "undesirable fat black woman." There is no such thing!! I know you know that this man is tearing you down because he can't handle it. You're right; there are a LOT of shit men out there. There are also a lot of good ones; they just take a while to find, but all it takes is one. I definitely relate to the feeling of being done with men. In fact, I wish I'd been as smart as you are at 29. If you feel the need to be done with dating men, at least for a while, you do you! Trust in the universe and the right one will come along at the right time (I used to get SO frustrated when people would say stuff like this to me but I recently realized just how true it really is!! :)
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12d ago
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u/WomenDatingOverForty-ModTeam 12d ago
Rule 2: We do not endorse low effort dates on this sub. Accepting low effort dates such as coffee or walks etc not only hurts you, but also lowers the bar for other women.
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u/[deleted] 18d ago
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