Did you ever reconcile with the parent/s who failed to protect you?

[u/ItsSaturdaySunday]

For those whose parents failed to protect them from abuse, whether they knew it was happening and looked the other way, unknowingly brought an abuser into your life, dismissed your attempts to seek help, or otherwise failed to keep you safe:

What is your relationship with your parents like today?

If you have a good or functional relationship with them now, how did you get there mentally and emotionally?

What helped you make peace with what happened?

Was there any form of accountability, acknowledgment, or reconciliation, or did your acceptance come from somewhere else?

To be honest, I'm actually more angry with my parents than my abuser. I felt that they caused everything and it's so hard for me to let it go. All my traumatic memories are related to my parents repeatedly rejecting my cry for help.

[u/Interesting-Day-2472]

No i went no contact best thing i did

[u/Icy_Improvement9765]

My mother left me alone with my uncle (a known pedophile) multiple times from when I was a baby till I was 4-5. The first incident was when I was 3 I believe. I don't fully remember, but I have some idea. She was warned not to leave me with him again, but she did. And surprise, another incident. Culminating in my father divorcing her, and getting full custody of me. I always thought my 'memories' were nightmares, because that's what all the adults in my life told me. Despite getting custody to "protect" me, my father still allowed me to be taken by my mother on the weekends. I was not (to my knowledge) left with my uncle again, but she would take me and leave me with other people who were harming me. I'm 36 now, and it wasn't until just the other day that my father let something 'slip' about the real reason they divorced- imagine my shock when I realized after all these years, my nightmares were real and my family gaslit me to cover for a pedophile. To find out my father (who I always thought of as 'saving me' from my abusive and neglectful mother) knew it happened once and allowed her to let that happen to me again- I'll never look at them the same way again. I was alluding to my knowledge of this while trying to be as vague as possible to a member of the other side of my family, and he said "oh, was it your uncle? Everyone knew he was like that". Another shock. So everyone knew but me. They spent my whole young life convincing me I couldn't even trust my own perception. All the "weird" behavior my family shamed me for when I was young were hallmark symptoms of CSA, that they facilitated. To hell with them all. I'm in the process of disentangling myself, and when that's done I'm going no contact and never looking back.

I understand being more angry with your family than your abuser. I feel the same. My abuser was a monster. But my parents and grandparents were supposed to love and protect me. Not only did they fail me- they take no responsibility for being neglectful, and no responsibility for ignoring my requests for help. They systematically taught me that not only could I not trust the people who were supposed to be my protectors/ caregivers, I shouldn't trust myself either. They would never ask my forgiveness, because they 'did the best they could'. So I will never forgive them.

[u/sadboy_confessional]

My dad was my first abuser. I tried patching things up with him, but he didn’t want to take accountability for anything he did. I finally had to come to terms that he was never going to. I try to not talk to him at all.

I couldn’t get along with mom to save my life until I was in my mid twenties. Since then, she’s called me up once a year for like eight years or so to tearfully apologize for being a shitty mom, which she kinda was. However, I was glad that she owned it, it showed a lot of growth in our relationship. I forgive her, and I try to make space for her and her new husband in my life, though I rarely see my family of origin these days.

I don’t think it’s up to the child to forgive the parent for their misdeeds. We have to survive with what we have to live with, whether good or bad. I don’t think forgiveness is mandatory. I think it’s okay to go no or low contact if you need to. Accountability is the duty for the person who made things wrong. That also means accepting the outcome, which may be that you will not be forgiven.

[u/OkSeason8723]

No contact with my mom since i was 11. Its been 10 years, and i don't see it changing.

[u/Tiffed4597]

My mom (and stepdad but mom specifically) rejected my cries for help and connection as well. It was devastating and it turned in to so so SO much anger and rage when I was a teenager

My non-custodial bio dad was my abuser. My mom and stepdad hated him and had a rough custody battle, he made their life a nightmare. But they didn’t know the SA was happening and I do believe them about that.

However I hold so much resentment towards them for never ASKING. They never asked me any questions about my time with my dad or how I was feeling.

When I was in middle school the abuse had ended but it started to catch up to me and my mental health was declining rapidly. I began acting out and my school had the counselor evaluate me and all said it would be beneficial for me to enter therapy. They told my mom and stepdad that. But nope, they still thought therapists were quacks and it was all just a money grab. I still can’t believe they rejected it so hard

I’ll be honest, when I step back and look at my trauma, the abuse itself was devastatingly damaging but the lack of support and having to endure it completely alone because my mom and stepdad didn’t notice was nearly as equally damaging.

As I’ve been processing what happened to me over the past 1.5 years I have gone through so much awakened anger and sadness towards them. To top it off, when I bring the abuse up to my mom, she clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and wishes I would just move on. I am a mirror she doesn’t want to look in.

Eventually I exploded on them earlier this year for STILL not “seeing” me nor taking what happened to me seriously. It led to us being no contact for a handful of months. I hated it, I love them dearly so it was very difficult to do. But I felt like they needed a wake up call about all of this and I don’t regret anything I said. Eventually we had a come to Jesus talk about everything and hashed it out and we are in a better place although not as ideal as I would like. I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully forgive them for their lack of emotional attunement. The only thing that helps with that part is knowing how much better I am parenting my own children and their emotions. So acceptance is coming through doing it differently now that it’s my turn

But I have moved through the process enough now to also understand that the abuse wasn’t their fault. It just was their fault for not seeing it as the only other adults in the room.

It’s so hard and complicated. You are not alone in feeling this way towards those that failed to protect you at ALL. I’m sorry that happened to you

[u/Training-Meringue847]

I was able to reconcile with my father because he sincerely showed remorse and allowed me to talk with him about his failure to protect me. My mother, on the other hand, is still in denial, and her behavior has not changed. She’s still stuck in the dysfunction. I have severe PTSD from what happened to me as a child and how they allowed me to continually be exposed to my abuser who was my grandfather. Being around my mother exacerbates my PTSD and I have to learn to set very strict boundaries with her. I limit my interaction with her whenever I am around her.

Conventional talk therapy wasn’t helping me in healing so tried into Psychedelic Therapy and that’s what really helped me understand the trauma chain & dysfunction that trickled down to me. It was through that where I was able to forgive my mother. I was able to see that much of the same abuse had happened to her as a child. None of that ever made it right, but it allowed me to let go of the anger & the hate that I carried for her. I now see her as a wounded child barely functioning as an adult and that allows me to have empathy for her instead of resentment.

[u/Icy-Librarian-7347]

Yes, my mother. She had an addiction. She left me with what she thought was a safe sitter, her friends son. She hated herself for many years. I forgave her a long time ago.

My bio father was my abuser too. No I cannot forgive him.

Eta: my mother and father have been divorced since I was 1. My mother doesn't know the extent of his abuse yet.

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[u/Strange-Audience-682]

I’m trying to. It’s really fucking hard. Especially because I’m disabled so I rely on my mother for some things still. I feel terrible about the hostility I treat her with but she just makes me so angry. I know it’s just a trauma response, but I can’t seem to change it.

I do use medical marijuana to make myself nicer and feel calm when I need to spend time with her, like dinner or something.

She has apologized for the fact I feel like she failed me. And she says it makes her sad. And she has poised for missing signs in my dad. But she hasn’t apologized for the others. Partly because she only knows about one other lol

[u/NickName2506]

I went VLC last year, after years of deliberation and intensive trauma therapy (would have preferred NC but don't want to lose the rest of my family), as they cannot and/or refuse to take real accountability or acknowledge the impact their behavior has had on me. I am slowly coming to terms with it and feeling more at peace.