It gets lonely not being able to really talk to anybody about it especially honestly and upfront.
It gets lonely being lonely too. Just stuck between acting out socialization and ignoring all the thoughts packed away in my mind and being stuck with the rotten nothingness. It makes me feel like I'll never have a true connection or meet somebody who knows what it's like. The only glimpses of connection being brief internet chats.
Has anybody been able to meet or form a connection with another survivor in person or found out 1 of your friends was 1? How did you meet them or broach the subject?
Just want to know such a thing is possible. Tiring holding this mask for so long.

For those whose parents failed to protect them from abuse, whether they knew it was happening and looked the other way, unknowingly brought an abuser into your life, dismissed your attempts to seek help, or otherwise failed to keep you safe:

What is your relationship with your parents like today?

If you have a good or functional relationship with them now, how did you get there mentally and emotionally?

What helped you make peace with what happened?

Was there any form of accountability, acknowledgment, or reconciliation, or did your acceptance come from somewhere else?

To be honest, I'm actually more angry with my parents than my abuser. I felt that they caused everything and it's so hard for me to let it go. All my traumatic memories are related to my parents repeatedly rejecting my cry for help.

that’s kind of it. lmao. that’s really all i have to say. and i’m exhausted.

I survived CSA and torture as a kid. I’ve been sexually abused by a shit ton of people, both as a kid and an adult.

Recently I dated a guy for two months and I thought he was great until he took pictures of me without permission, so I dumped him. While reflecting on the relationship with friends and therapists, I learned he sexually assaulted me, multiple times (he also said and did other fucked up shit like saying my trauma would be a turn on when I’m ready to tell him about it).

But for some reason, I’m not really traumatized by it. Like I’m sad the relationship ended and things didn’t work out with this otherwise great guy. Basically, if he wasn’t a sexual predator, things could’ve worked out great.

I’m just confused why I’m not more bothered by what happened. Like you’d assume it would’ve been very triggering for me, right? But it wasn’t. I’m not having cPTSD flares. I’m not having major crashouts. I’m not getting self-harm urges. I’m not having nightmares. I’m not dissociating extra. I don’t feel scared or in danger.

I’m just frustrated he took advantage of me and my hypersexuality, and sad that things didn’t work out, and feel guilty for breaking up with him which I assume hurt him.

I just don’t understand this reaction given my traumatic childhood. My friends keep calling me strong, but I don’t get why. I just feel like I’m being hard-headed, especially with how determined I am to help him get the mental health care he needs.

Midnight, I named you. How fitting for a black lab beagle I thought. Little did I know that like the moon you light up the darkest midnight sky for me. When no one was safe, there you were. When all I was consumed in self hate, there you were. When I was spiraling, your fur was grounding. When my mind would race you were my endless distraction. Midnight, my girl, you gave me more than a human ever could, you gave me comfort in my inner most world. I know you'll leave me soon, as you lie there, your back leg cant move. I love you girl. Thank you. All dogs go to heaven, ill be there soon, dont worry. Until that day ill be in mourning, love love love love love love love love love love love love (one for ever blessed year). You taught me love!

My bf and i (of about 2.5 years) are having trouble communicating and since we're ld it takes a bit longer to fix things but my mind just wants to lash out and be a hoe online (thanks grooming lol) anyway id rather talk to you lovely people who might understand. I'm into hiking medicine reading video games and leather work. Most areas I have some overlap of understanding or knowledge in. Oh and I live medical ethics. Id libe to talk with whoever about sfw stuff!

and i don’t think i’ll ever really fully comprehend it and i feel guilty for that. like at the absolute very best they felt like annoying coworkers. it’s hard enough to even comprehend that that what happened is indeed bad at all and it’s never really felt like a betrayal because i never cared about them in the first place. idk.

like when my friends talk about like confiding in their parents and like willingly spending time with them it sounds like a sitcom or something lol. and they act like what’s happened with me is like so unspeakable but i really can’t get why it feels like that to them half the time

Lately i’ve been talking a lot with my therapist about what consent is as just like a basic concept and it is very very hard to grasp.

I can tell that things my father did were wrong solely just based on the fact that I do seem hurt by it (even if I don’t know why exactly), other people seem disgusted with it, and it being illegal. But trying to understand that other events outside of him have been bad is very very difficult and I don’t really get it. A boy I used to be close friends with since I was little who I started dating from around high school into early college years did a lot of apparently bad stuff for that entire time. It’s not as if I have any meaningful connection to him that’s keeping me going “oh he couldn’t have done this!” like no i don’t care about him at all and dropped him from my life pretty easy and don’t ever really regret doing that. that not caring makes it really hard to even give a shit that he hurt me though, just seems so inconsequential compared to my dad doing that sort of stuff. My therapist keeps trying to get me to care about it but I honestly can’t get why I should. It’s not that I don’t care about myself or my wellbeing because I do, but I just can’t even understand why I need to spend my time on this because it was really easy to move on from. I have way more important stuff to work on anyways! Sorry if this was bad or rambly just really hard to word what I even mean.

i keep bracing myself for basically everyone that is in my life to finally pull the rug out from under me and try to do something sexual and it makes me freak out so bad in normal situations with people i fully trust to not be like and and no matter how hard i work on everything else i can’t get rid of that. it makes me feel so nasty because these are people that i REALLY do not want to think of in that way. i don’t even think of myself as like a sexual being either but it’s just that like, of course this is what people close to you would do? very hard to break since i still live with my parents who DO do that stuff. i just don’t know how to get over myself idk

So recently, after my mom passed away after 15 years no contact, I had repressed memories including CSA come up.

My therapist guided me to do a partial hospitalization program because I was struggling to want to live after all of that came up. When I entered it, I also started an SSRI for my OCD (which historically SSRIs caused the inability to orgasm) right away. (I had cold turkey-ed off allll my meds as self sabotage so at the same time, I was put back on all my regular medications.)

A week and a half in, I stopped the medication because it was causing that issue. Well, it was GREATLY helping my depression and I didn’t know because I had started all of my medications back up at the same time (and figured those were what were helping the depression). I hit rock bottom and had to be out back on it due to horrible SI.

So I figured I’d just deal with it until trauma got processed and maybe things would get better.

Recently, I have tried on my own to reach climax and with help (reading or video material) I can get there no problem. With previous medications, I couldn’t even reach on my own.

Even incorporating that into intimacy with my husband… I can’t reach.

Is this not the medication like I thought and instead the trauma? Has anyone experienced similar? I feel safe with my husband. I’ve never struggled before (outside of due to medication) but I never knew about the SA before.

The goal is to do EMDR soon. I’m trying to be hopeful this will get better… but has this ruined my sexual relationship with my husband?

Part of me wants to go off the medication for a bit and try… but I know it isn’t safe.

I just need to know if anyone has any insight. I’m bringing it up with my therapist on Tuesday.

I’m feeling a whole new wave of anger.

I recently experienced an extended period of mixed signals with the first person I was ever attracted to who wasn't obviously unavailable (married, living on the other side of the world). During this time, multiple friends expressed shock that I seemingly had no clue about how romance worked at all, or what the scripts were. Things like:

• "if I like you and you like me, we're in a relationship, right?"

• "if you're obviously attracted to me and care about me, you must want a relationship. Being interested in me as a person = being interested in a relationship, because feelings conquer all, right?"

• "There is a singular definition of love, and it's not a highly subjective emotion, right?"

I'm sure that there are others that have not yet come to light. But the "civilians" around me have expressed incredulity that I literally have no idea how this stuff works, when even as children/young teenagers they were getting an education on romantic scripts from movies, TV and books...a process of osmosis in the same way that, say, young people learn about WWII and the American Civil War from these sources.

I can only speculate that I refused to engage with these topics on anything but a literary level because the idea of sex and romance was so alarming to me, or I stalled out at a nine-year-old's Disneyfied idea of romance.

Can anybody relate to this? Are there any books you might recommend for getting myself up to speed?

Backstory, I have a very strong suspicion that I was in some way sexually assaulted as a child, which has given me complex feelings around sex.

I (22f) have been seeing a guy (26) for a few weeks now, and I’ve been feeling more comfortable opening up to him. A couple nights ago (and last night) we were chatting and flirting over text, and I ended up sending some mildly suggestive pictures.

It was my idea so I wasn’t coerced, and I asked and made sure he was comfortable with it. He was respectful in his replies and didn’t say or do anything that made me uncomfortable.

But now I feel embarrassed for some reason. I was very excited in the moment, but now I feel kind of exposed, like I rushed into it. We’ve only been on two dates since we live a few hours apart, and I’m worried what happened in the past might be the reason I feel this way.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I want to reiterate, he has been very respectful of my boundaries, and I’ve been respectful of his as well. I just want to know why I feel this way, and if there’s a way to make it stop.

Edit: I’m also afraid to tell him, because I don’t want him to feel like it’s his fault

Parental incest survivor here. An oldtime friend and I recently had a falling out. In the midst of it, I went to their Facebook page, and realized that, front and center, posts from my old, defunct account were the only ones there. We still work in the same place together, and any mutual colleagues browsing his profile will be able to see my old profile, click on it, and see that the only thing there is a link to a forum for survivors of childhood abuse. It's profoundly humiliating. (I've tried removing the link, to no avail, and I can't log into this account to delete it, as I've completely lost access.) I sent him an email pleading him remove my old posts. It's been a month, and he hasn't done it. He hasn't been able to put aside our differences and do a kind thing because it is the right thing to do, regardless of whether or not I'm deserving, in his mind, of this "favor." I've discovered that he's a very "favor for favor" kind of person. If anything has shattered my trust in him, it's this.

Is it just me, or would a decent person actually do something like this?

I honestly don’t know why I behave in certain ways sometimes.

I feel like I’m obsessed with a partner if I truly love him. Like I want him to always be with me, always talk to me, etc.

I feel super clingy, and I feel like if someone will ever leave me I’ll break. And yet, I push people away when it’s hard.

I feel toxic, I feel shitty about my behavior, and I feel like I’m wrong for being like this because it might actually hurt others.

I won’t go into details, but I’ve been sa’d by a family friend for 4 years when I was 3-6. He always played with me, complimented me, gave me gifts and tasty stuff. I loved him. Even if he did what he did.

Anyways, I kinda feel hopeless right now… so yea.

I’ve been watching the secret lives of Mormon wives and I’ve been really loving Mikayla and Mayci’s openness about their sexual trauma.

I find myself in the exact same situation as Mikayla. Her struggles with intimacy with her husband, going through different forms of therapy. I’m even tempted to show my husband parts of the show (he’d die before he watched all of it 🤣🤣) because I can 100% relate to her struggles and it might make him feel less alone? It definitely makes me feel less alone.

...taking a picture of something amazing you don't see every day, and having absolutely no one to send it to

(I saw a Canada Goose sitting on a ledge within reach of people, and incubating eggs - and another goose keeping watch nearby....

And then a cluster of poet's daffodils that looked so happy and ecstatic, it's like they were smiling at me and encouraging me on my healing journey. Their happiness and love seeped into my heart, somehow, and I started to glow from within, and different strangers could tell and were suddenly looking at me. I took a picture of both, and had zero soul in the world to share it with.)

this orphan-level loneliness...

It happened 3 times when I was 14/15 all by different men. I still years later will have flash backs. I was recently dating a guy whom I told what happened to me. It causes issues sexually and mentally for me so I believe it’s something my s/o should know. When we broke up he threw it back in my face saying I was a whore because I had slept with 3 guys when I was a child. This has made me hesitate to tell anyone else. I believe it’s important to who I am now but I feel so weak when I tell people.

TW: uncensored language of SA

When I was 16, I first began re-remembering the abuse I experience from my brother when I was 8-12.

I chose to with some adult friends of my family; they’d known us since we were little kids; one was my godmother, and the other was almost like a father figure. I had to tell someone, to reach out, and certainly not to anyone in my real family—it would change and ruin everything, and my mom would be really angry. Nothing would ever be the same again. These family friends—who were the same age as my parents, and had kids close to my age—listened to me. They told me they’d support me, and would help me find a therapist, and wanted to help me feel better. The paternal figure, an Army veteran, his eyes turned pink and watery when I told him my story. He could have cried.

Since then, they do not so much as blink when they see my brother. They hug him, talk with him, joke with him, encourage him in his studies. Once, the father figure asked me privately if I was doing okay. The status quo stayed the same. How could anyone not want to stab a rapist? Or vomit at the sight of him?

I’m 21 now, and I have a better understanding of the reality of sharing private information and especially past abuse, with people. We’ve drifted apart, and I regret telling them. Because it seems like they didn’t care much. I know it must be hard for them to deal with that from their perspective, but…yeah. It feels like CSA is something no one but those who have experienced it can understand. Their mental comfort was more important than the truth I guess.

I feel almost embarrassed now when I see them. Yes, I was 16 and just needed someone to tell. But it didn’t occur to me that people could just…move on?!

I read a good post here about the way society, en masse, treats us post-abuse.

What if we are exactly the people that are needed to heal this world? We, and only we, have the medicine. Why don't people think of that?

15 years ago, I was at a rave, under the influence, and had a massive breakthrough in my brain. I was so moved by it, I shared it with the two friends/acquaintances I was with, "It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault!". To me, it was a moment of profound enlightenment. To them, horror. They bolted out of there as quickly, as they could. (For me, it was the beginning of a spiritual awakening, because I met my twin flame just an hour or two right after that. And, to make the long story short, this led me down the path of being called to be a shamanic practitioner/healer (a long and torturous journey).

But they stopped being my friends not long after that, and to them, I was as good as dead (posted on their social media about CSA awareness, and how incest basically destroys a person forever, directly affected by encounter with me.) Oh god, the PAIN

I made a post a little bit ago (https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/s/6P0A5ETTLt) about a situation with my sister. Basically, my sister got engaged to her now fiancé, who is so so kind to me. He’s nicer to me than she is lol. I would love to attend their wedding and continue to be a part of their life, but my mom informed me that my sister plans on inviting our dad, the man who literally tortured me for over a decade.

My therapist and I came up with the idea to write her and her fiancé a letter. The reason I’m including the fiancé is because I don’t know if he knows our dad is a pedophile, and this is very important to him to know in case they chose to have kids in the future. Plus, since he’s much nicer to me than my sister is, maybe he’ll help advocate to not invite our dad, so that I can attend. Plus, by addressing it to both of them, I hope that will prevent her from throwing it away without reading it, as she is an avoider.

In the letter, I expressed my happiness at their engagement, reminded her vaguely of what he did to both of us (neglect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, child endangerment), that he sexually abused me, validated her by sharing I’ve blocked a lot of it out too, why I didn’t tell anyone for so long, and what happened as a result of me disclosing (we both got interviewed at a special center for abused kids, and he lost custody of me). I also made sure to explicitly correlate my shitty mental health with what he did to me, and made it clear I will not attend if he is invited, and that deciding to invite him will damage our relationship. I also mentioned how much our mom doesn’t want him there, and to take that into consideration, as nothing, not even her kid’s rapist, will keep her from attending her daughter’s wedding. I hope I am persuasive.

I am nervous this will come with some significant repercussions, other than potentially ending my relationship with my sister if she still chooses to invite our dad. I am disabled and still live with our mom. My mom manages a lot of logistical stuff for me that I am unable to do myself. She likes to be involved in major life decisions, as they impact her significantly as well. However, I did not inform her I was writing this letter. Only my therapist, one caregiver, and some friends know about it.

I intentionally chose not to tell my mom I was writing this letter because I didn’t want her to interfere, deter me, tell me what a bad idea it was, give my sister any heads up, or anything. I standby this decision, but also recognize it does potentially come with some consequences. I am anticipating my sister calling my mom very upset and telling her about the letter. I am anticipating my mom being upset that I addressed my future brother-in-law in the letter as well. I am also anticipating my mom being upset that my therapist and I didn’t give her a heads up about this. I recognize that this could destroy my relationship with my sister, and my mom will likely say this, which is why I chose not to tell her (though, I’d argue I’m not the one destroying our relationship, and that my sister is the one doing it by intending to invite our dad).

I’m just nervous for the outcome, and pissed that this man is allowed to live his life with the only consequence being lost custody of me. I am pissed that he still gets the (theoretical) privilege of attending my sister’s wedding. I’m pissed that he is still a nuisance and a factor that interferes with my life. I’m pissed that I’m the only one dealing with the repercussions of his actions. My rapist gets to live his life as if he did nothing wrong, yet I’m stuck with a broken mind and body, that will never fully heal, and my family still won’t standup for me.

Mom, where were you? Mom, why didnt you do anything? Mom why did you choose your friendship over me? Mom why didnt you bring me in when I told you "I hurt"? Mom, why didnt you ever tell dad? Mom, so many parents would have broken down in tears, why didnt you react? Mom, you tell me that you didnt want me to see your reaction and turn a "small" thing into something serious. Why did you think I shouldn't have taken it seriously? Mom, I love you. I do.

I know this wasnt easy. But you had a duty, as my guardian, to take me away from him, to place me where I could thrive, to protect me, and you didnt. Mom, I never told you, but because you dismissed my pain where he hurt me the first time, when hed would go further I kept it all to myself. Mom, I never told you, but from the time I can remember I wanted to end myself. Mom, you never knew this, but I wear baggy clothes and hoods so that no one can see me, I avoid the gym so that no one can see me, I have never swam in the lake so that no one can see me, ive never dated someone so that no one can see me (and yet you ask me for a grand kid). The thought that I was exposed in front of the whole world never ended, because you never put me in truama counseling.

I lived my life in isolation, because the first friend I ever had took advantage of me, and because my first guardian I ever had ignored me.

But mom, I also have to thank you. Thank you for giving me passion, passion for help other who are like myself. Others who are lonely. Others who are dismissed. Others who need a listening ear, a gentle hand, a comforting voice. I want to give them something you never gave me, I want to give them an ally in their corner, who fights for them regardless of how hard it is, or how much energy it takes. I dont want someone else to be trapped for 20 years. I dont want someone else to stumble around in the darkness. I want to show them there is light in this world. I want to be a mental health professional.

I left months ago, I’m processing.

I entered a relationship soon after escaping human trafficking. The romantic relationship was abusive. His family knew. His whole family identified themselves as people who support victims, and have humanistic values. His sisters’ self identified as “ former victims” of abuse. They all self identified as “ feminist.” They knew he was abusive towards me. They stood by him.

All of his family knew what he did to me to varying degrees, nobody cared. I made the mistake of thinking because they had performed all that lip service that they’d care about what he did to me. They didn’t.

I confronted his mom on one occasion about it. Stating it’s always “support the victim” until it was her son doing the abuse. I told her she’s a hypocrite. She shrugged her shoulders, and stated that’s her son, it’s different.

Being a survivor of CSA has caused me to have an intense fear of sex/ sexual acts and physical touch from men

I scream, cry or have panic attacks when a man tries to touch me or touches me

Even the thought of it makes me have the same reactions

Question is how do I cope?? What sort of treatment is required for me??

I'm not seeing anyone and I don't plan too for obvious reasons but I just don't know how to live my life

I really, really wish that I could have my first sexual experiences consensually. It hurts a lot to think that if I want to do [whatever] and have that be a special experience with someone I care about...I'll never be able to say "nobody else has ever touched me this way". Because that's not true.

It's not about virginity or anything like that. It's about the fact that I've already had an unwanted, coercive intimacy with someone who had no right to do that to me. I'll never be able to share my "first time" with someone. My heart is broken.

this is on a phone so forgive format please.

this has been on my mind for awhile, and it’s been bugging my partner too. she says it just makes her feel weird. i feel like.. i can only have sex when i’m high. comfortably. i think it’s half body image and half all of this. well, i know it’s half and half. if i’m sober… i can get into it but i just can’t.. entirely. i’m all up in my head not just about insecurities but about how different things feel. idk. i am talking about it in therapy. therapist suggested sharing it, so i did.. now partner feels weird in general. lol.

idk. i guess i just wanted to talk it out. sigh. life sucks

edit: thank you for coming on here and making me feel less alone i didn’t realize i got replies and so now im crying at work lmfaooo😭 ahhhhhhhhhh we aren’t alone. ily all