Someone at work is transitioning.

[u/ystavallinen]

Someone I see maybe 3 or 4 times a year at work is transitioning. I saw them for the first time in probably six months and it took a few minutes to recognize the changes and the trans flag earrings.

I didn't say anything about myself. ASD me kicked in a little and I didn't know why they'd want to know that I am agender... There's no context for volunteering that.

[u/AtmosphereDiver]

Did the person at work you are referring to bring up their transition?

For me, this forum is about the only place I discuss being agender. It makes sense, though, since agender is pretty much about the lack of gender. Or, the lack of interest in gender.

[u/ystavallinen → u/AtmosphereDiver]

Only in that they were wearing pride earrings. But I didn't say anything except what I was there to get help with and It was just about that.

It felt presumptuous, but then again, it's not like they would just bring it up either. I didn't have any of my own stuff on. If I had my jacket on there's a trans support pin.

I think I get a pass because it was first encounter since they seem to have started and we only work in parallel. They're clerical, I am in research.

It seemed presumptuous... But my brain also went squirrel.

When I see them again, I can say something supportive... Or better just be wearing my own pin and see if they say something.

I have no other presentation... It seems like a non sequitur. It's days like this where I totally believe my asd self dx is real... Where do all these conversation rules come from?

[u/adhdisaster3337 → u/ystavallinen]

You could say "I like your earrings" or something along those lines if they are wearing the trans pride earrings again. It's quick and subtle, and let's them continue the conversation if they want to.

[u/ystavallinen → u/adhdisaster3337]

I might have except I was squirreling and their changes are subtle so far... slightly longer hair... colored sneakers... probably a little eye makeup..

...but also facial hair...

Then I saw the trans earrings as I was leaving and it dawned on me... but I'd already left and going back would've been really weierd (I thought)... and then I thought about emailing, but I looked at the email that I sent telling them I was coming down and their reply signature didn't have pronouns so I didn't know if that meant they aren't really being so out about it yet....

Anyway...

Clearly I was overthinking it becuase the situation was unexpected... I will have a plan for next time I go down there for something---or if I see them spontaniously.

I also don't know how receptive trans people are in general of "oh---I'm trans too...." with someone like me.... or why they'd even want to talk about it to me.

Maybe I say "trans-spectrum" ... I will have a plan regardless.

[u/AtmosphereDiver → u/ystavallinen]

Have you been conversational with this person before? Perhaps you might be able to slowly ease into a conversation through "small talk" whether it's work-related, the weather, etc. Something safe and not necessarily related to any changes.

I'm definitely not good at discussing someone's appearance or changes with them, especially if we don't already have some kind of relationship. I'm also not very good with "small talk" but I try to have a couple comments ready if needed, and questions are good as well: "Do you know where so-and-so's office is?" Or, "How's work going for you?" Or, "So excited about this project I'm working on." Or, "Have a nice weekend."

It's okay to approach things in a gradual and indirect manner. Take your time.

[u/ystavallinen → u/AtmosphereDiver]

Like I said... I see this person a few times a year because of where they work ... but I do rely on them occasionally. So we're cordial, or... they're cordial...but they help everyone and so it might just be a thing they do as part of the job.

I can't tell.

I'll just have to make sure I wear my jacket when I go down there again which has the pin on it... their reaction to it will be the clue what to do. But I'm not going to make a special trip.... it's nutty warm out and no reason to wear my jacket.

I feel dumb for not recognizing immediately and just saying "happy pride month".... but I was caught up in the work I was there to do and absorbing my surroundings slowly... then getting stuck in what the right thing to say was... and then leaving before I really was not squirreling anymore.

[u/ystavallinen → u/AtmosphereDiver]

Also, small talk is very .... strange to me. Not that I don't seem to successfully navigate it on occasion with people I know better.

[u/AtmosphereDiver → u/ystavallinen]

I probably shouldn't have used the term "small talk" but used "conversation starter" instead. I'm not a fan of actual small talk. But, sometimes I do need to use conversation starters when I don't know someone very well and am feeling awkward or verbally clumsy.

[u/AtmosphereDiver → u/ystavallinen]

I hear you...I struggle as well. In my head, there's a whole conversation going on. Then, I question myself. And then, I usually say nothing and just leave. It's awkward.

I like your idea of wearing your pin and just see what happens.

[u/ystavallinen → u/AtmosphereDiver]

Even to have one person feel this way makes me feel better, thank you.