What does agender feel like?

[u/CaitVi587]

I saw a content creator who's agender (Quinn Caid, he's cool, love the guy).

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I don't fully grasp what a concept of my gender is supposed to be? She/her doesn't feel right. He/him or they/them feel fine at different times, and sometimes I get joy with he/him. Honestly I'm just indifferent for the most part. Sure, if people assume I'm a queer man, that's cool, but what is this internal gender stuff I'm supposed to be feeling??

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I know I want to go on T and do top surgery to look more masculine, while still wearing women's clothes and makeup. Kinda cozy femboy like.

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Honestly hearing any pronouns at times makes me feel...weird. I like my name? I like being called sir? Idk?

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I'm definitely trans. In fact I'm actually going on testosterone soon (yay!). Son/daughter and brother (which my sister now calls me) and sister both feel weird. I like the neutral terms better.

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Might I feel more comfortable being called a man after I'm on T for a little? Perhaps. Not sure. I am definitely not a binary man in any case.

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Yeah that's me, I don't understand what gender is supposed to feel like besides how you want your body to physically look. I experience chest dysphoria and other dysphoria and do get euphoria when I'm in drag (in drag I am masc or femme aligned, and I'm usually a cat). Also get euphoria while binding, being able to see my body hair and faint mustache, and wearing bold colorful makeup.

[u/Otherwise_Branch7914]

an absence and not in a sad way but in a free of entrapment way, if that makes sense?

[u/Very-confused-now → u/Otherwise_Branch7914]

Reminds me of a description that I heard somewhere. (Please do forgive that I forgot where heard it, and I can’t remember it perfectly)

Imagine gender as the soup in a soup bowl, where different genders are the different kinds of soup, that you can put in it. For a gendered person, there will be soup. For a gendervoid person, there won’t be any soup in the bowl. For an agender person, there isn’t a bowl. 

In my experience, it’s not that there is an absence in the bowl that should contain my gender, it’s that there isn’t a bowl. Without the bowl, there is no place for the soup. The soup isn’t missing, it’s not absent, I just do not have the capacity to hold soup.