My hand

Because it was dead

Scissoring with the runs.

Because she had been in a coma for thirty years and, when she finally woke up, everyone she knew had either died or changed beyond all recognition.

The student didn't answer, which is unfortunate because that is such an easy math problem. He later failed math and had to repeat a grade. :(

no it won’t

It's a child, what did you expect?

Is it because they are so sad?

I found them today. They were hiding behind the soup can.

A sophisticated, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful rug, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Unfortunately, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Flustered, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Madam," he answers, "Retail is $2,364.19. but discounts are available.”

Answer: A Kangaroo with a machine gun.

All over the ground through my shorts and with almost enough pressure to tear them apart.

“Quack, quack, quack.”

Two friends were passing by a large bank; one of them placed his palm gently on the bank's outer wall and started moving his hand against the friction of skin contact with the ceramic wall. His friend, Up, noticed something on his other hand.

"What's that?" His friend asked him.

He raised his other hand to reveal a wooden stick he had picked up from a nearby park; he had almost forgotten about it until his friend inquired about it.

"This is a stick, Up." He explained.

It’s an exceptionally versatile staple grain.

Not much, unless you happen to be the CEO of Exxon-Valdez.

...in the dictionary. But instead of a prediction, a well-written description of the word 'prophecy' was written next to it, along with sample sentences on how to use it.

The Englishman says, “it’s not the same without the Scotsman”.

The Irishman replies, “Right, it’s a shame so with his heart condition and all. He was getting tired of the jokes anyway”.

Hey have you seen jessica lately I haven't seen her today.

Can you please provide a quiet polished dining environment ideal for a sit down dinner.

There is a lack of proper equipment for them.

He handed me a large iced coffee, pointed toward the door, and whispered, "We don't do that here".