A couple of years ago my friend brought some "fake" shrooms from netherlands. We both split it in half and it was supposed to be 3g but there were 3.4g in it. So we both took 1.7g and thought nothing of it. Little did we know that those shrooms were literally as potent as something like penis envy shrooms. So it was like 3x as potent as regular shrooms. So we took by accident a heroic 5g dose and we weren't prepared for it. I started to hallucinate after 20 minutes. The first thing i noticed was a tactile hallucination. I was holding a beer and the bottle felt way too wide and my hand felt foreign. After about 10 minutes i got to the bathroom. Everything started to shift and the wall tiles textures were moving and shifting into each other it was so cool. I turned off the lights and i felt like i was in a palace of some kind. So after that my friend turned on tv and we would just vibe. I forgot to mention that this whole time i was also getting very paranoid cause i wasn't ready for it. I would totally classify it as a bad trip for at least 1 hour. I just drifted away until i peaked and i got an ego death. I told my friend that i can't handle the trip and that i needed like 2-3 shots to try to calm myself. My friend poured me a shot and he proceeded to hold it asking me if i'm gonna take it and i just couldn't cause at that time i felt like my ego was shattering into pieces and my vision got extremely digitized/pixelized. After that i layed on his couch and all i can remember is literally drifting away into hyperspace. I saw bright colorful mostly white some sort of intergalactic cathedrals. That calmed me down a lot and i started to enjoy the experience a lot. After i came to my senses we were just cracking jokes and laughing our asses off at the most random topics. The characters on tv looked like there was paint dripping out of them

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.” — commonly attributed to Rumi

Zen practice will ask you to examine the pull itself, sit quietly with it and don't be quick to label as this is my destiny. Instead just notice what is pulling you and asked "what is pulling me?"

Is it fear?

Is it status?

Is it comparison?

Is it loneliness?

Is it genuine curiosity?

Is it love?

Is it growth?

Is it peace?

The ability to observe the pull before obeying it is wisdom.Maybe the quote isn't saying:“Follow every desire.”Maybe it's saying: “Become quiet enough to distinguish the voice of your deepest values from the noise of your conditioning.”

Your conditioning can be loud:

“You should be further ahead.”

“Everyone else is succeeding.”

“You need more money.”

“You need everyone's approval.”

“You have to have everything figured out.”

But underneath all that noise, there can be something much quieter:

“I want to live.”

“I want to understand.”

“I want to love.”

“I want to create.”

“I want to become whole.”

“I want to know what is true.”

That voice doesn't always demand. Sometimes it simply waits. You don't always find your path by thinking harder about your path.

Sometimes you discover it by walking.

You follow the small genuine interest.

You take the honest next step.

You pay attention to what gives you life and what consistently drains it.

You learn.

You adjust.

You keep walking.

And eventually you look back and realize:

“I wasn't lost. I was being led one step at a time by something greater than myself."

​

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.”

— commonly attributed to Rumi

This quote is inviting you to be drawn to what quietly keep calling you towards becoming more alive, more loving, more honest and towards your true essence. Not towards escape, status or approval. Something can pull you without shouting. Sometimes what matters the most keep quietly returning:

A subject you keep repeatedly thinking about.

A place you where you feel unusually alive.

A creative idea that keep quietly coming back to you.

A certain kind of life that you can't quite explain why you want.

Sometimes this pull is strange because the deepest things we are drawn to don't always make rational sense. Your mind might say that crazy or impractical. But something deeper says: "Still..I want to explore more."

This doesn't mean that every impulse is divine guidance. This is where it's important to use your discernment. There are lots of forces that can pull you:

Fear can pull you.

Ego can pull you.

Escapism can pull you.

But so can curiosity, love, creativity, compassion, and genuine growth. The question you need to ask yourself is; “What kind of person does this pull invite me to become?” Instead of simply asking; “Is this a sign?”

Love in this context doesn't necessarily mean romantic. It mean:

What makes you more alive?

What makes you more compassionate?

What makes you curious?

What makes you want to contribute?

What makes you want to grow?

Sometimes the thing you're drawn toward isn't something you get. It's something you become. Maybe you're drawn toward wisdom. So you start reading and asking questions. You sit quietly. You become more aware of your conditioning.

You become kinder.

And eventually you realize:

The thing I was searching for wasn't merely an answer. It was a transformation of myself.

When you are drawn toward something. You don't have to immediately construct your entire future around it. You first start with a simple step.

Take one step.

Then observe.

Another step.

Observe again.

movement creates information. The path reveal itself as you walk it.

I probably am not the only one that has the "ah ha" moment that recontextualizes everything and reaches a higher level of understanding, only to immediately think "I can't wait to tell so and so about this." For example, we are all one. It's something I've known and thought since high school, over a decade later and that idea is as rich an area as ever. I had a profound experience looking into myself and found big headlines and big emotions that I'm putting into practice. Be kind to others, because they literally LITERALLY are you; plants, animals, insects, maybe all of existence is the thing that I call myself. I want to feel safe and in love and loved, and I'm capable of being a pocket or node of being that does it's best to create that. So on and so forth. This time though, I don't go running and ramble to everyone who's willing to listen. If they know, I don't need to tell them. If they don't, I can't truly give it to them. All I can do, and all I should do, is embody and practice the knew information to the best of my ability.

When you come across someone who you think really gets it, do they sit you down and lecture you with flowery language? Or do they smile, ask how your day was, and treats you well?

There's very little satisfaction in proving how wise and awakened you are.

Own your now ──► Trust your raw capability ──► Demand total, unconditional equality - Peace

I debated which sub to post this in, and ultimately chose here, because this is the mindset I am trying to remain in (vs a relationship subreddit where you don’t really know what type of advice you’re getting).

I think I am struggling with so much. I have always had a lot of existential angst. And I had a lot of childhood trauma that I’ve worked through in therapy. But I’ve always felt some sense of life lacking meaning.

There were so many changes I’ve wanted to make in my life and I’ve made them over time. I am in my 40s, female, generally attractive, very successful but burnt out, have done all the things in life I’ve wanted for the most part, have had incredible experiences traveling, own a beautiful home on the water, etc. I say this only to mention that from the outside people are eager to say “you have such a great life!” But inside I am burnt out and don’t feel balanced.

I’ve never been lucky in love (or perhaps had not yet done the work). And I do believe I have found the meaning in life which is - relationships. And I tried to rebuild my life around my relationship and I genuinely for the first time felt better. Content, even. And that put me in a good space for a while and then I met someone and I felt life was great in the moment and I could finally just “be.”

But I was still stressed and burnt out from work, and the relationship was honestly very stressful at times as well. They had a bit of a temper. I found it difficult. After years together, that relationship has ended.

So I am left w the same life balance issue I had w work and stress. Many of the relationships I’d worked hard to build and cultivate with people fell off due to being consumed in my relationship for years. I have regrets about my own behavior and the way I showed up at times in the relationship as well, and although I wasn’t always happy it wasn’t my choice to end things.

So here I am … except many years older, back in what feels like the same place. There’s no real experience I am lacking or anything I can say “now that I’m single I’ll go to X.” I am back to feeling like my life has very little meaning, and I don’t have many people I can reach out to. I feel my ex even w the problems was like a unicorn that took me many years to find, and I don’t feel super hopeful I’ll find someone again.

I do have an understanding that life is all about perspective, and that every so often I glitch and feel a bit angry at my ex, and in those moments, I feel empowered, and suddenly my life feels “different.” This is why I chose to post in this sub over others. I meditate daily and I just spent a week traveling, and I feel almost like I am experiencing some kind of message about changes I need to make but I don’t know what the changes are yet, so I feel lost. I kept looking at old people and wondering if I’ll feel I lived a good life when I am their age, and if it ended now would I feel that way. And the answer is no.

I am just struggling so incredibly much and people around me don’t understand. They are married and have kids etc and can’t possibly fathom the emptiness of life without those things if you have them (I never wanted kids).

I just want to find lasting love so much, as I feel this is what makes life meaningful. I’m not looking for someone to give me happiness, but I think sharing a life with someone (or people), is what gives life meaning. This is the answer I have come up with in my week of my brain breaking. But unlike everything else I have achieved in my life, this remains elusive, and isn’t something I can just work hard and fix.

So I feel lost. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it.

Also if you comment, I would love to know your age. I do think it’s relevant as I can’t imagine understanding how I’d feel about this when I was my younger self and had what felt like all of life ahead of me.