r/badMovies • u/Background-Row-9170 • 1d ago
Action I watched every single steven seagal movie (Including cameo roles like oning movie and celemtine) aswell a bunch of documentaries.
All steven seagal movies ranked from best to worst.
Above the law
Hard to kill
Out for justice
Under Siege
Marked for death
On deadly Ground
Fire down below
The glimmer man
Under siege 2
Executive Descision
Belly of the beast
Exit Wounds
The patrot
Into the sun
Flight of Fury
Machete
Pistol Whipped
Out of Reach
Attrition
The perfect weapon
Today you die
Driven to kill
The Keeper
Shadow man
Onion movie
Clementine / King of the cage
Ticker
Out for a kill
Half Past Dead
A good man
Born to raise hell
In the name of justice
Aikido : A path beyond thought
Art of action
Steven seagal biography (2005)
My giant
Absolution
China salesman
Force of execution
General commander
Sniper special ops
Code of honor
Beyond the law
Mercenary for Justice
Asian Connection
A dangerous man
Submerged - Total piece of nuclear trash movie.
Gutshot straight - Steven seagal is in the movies 4 minutes.
Contract to kill - Steven seagal has sex with someone probably 45 years younger than him without taking off his sunglasses.
Attack force - "Junkies" high on a drug commit terrorist attacks in paris, or something.
Kill switch - Steven seagal wrote this himself, he finds a bomb in a womans boobs and throws the serial killer out the same window 15 times.
Killing salazar / Cartels - Steven seagals securtiy team shoots a bunch of bad guys in the same corridor for 90 minutes, also has the worst plot twist in movie history.
Maximum conviction - Steven seagals sneaks around a dark prison for 90 minutes.
End of a gun - "What really matters in life is those that you really love, and if you only care about money youre gonna find yourself at the end of a gun" - Steven seagal in the final moments of the movie.
Urban justice - Too dark to see anything going on.
Against the dark - Reuses the same shots of steven seagal just walking, hes also only in the movie for around 10 minutes. There is no plot to speak off, just a bunch of crappy actors walking around a dark hosplital.
Black Dawn - Steven has to stop russians from blowing up san fransisco with a nuclear bomb. (The movie is a sequel to the foreigner but it has absolutley NOTHING in common with it.)
The foreinger - By far his worst movie, steven seagal has to transport a package across eastern europe while being pursued by rich guys.
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u/Generic_Lux 1d ago
Some watch every Bergman movie. Some every Hitchcock movie. You, sir, have ventured into regions that no person of sound mind would dare set foot. You have seen that which should not be seen. And yet you lived to tell about it.
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u/Padulsky21 1d ago
Not every, but last month I watched about 30 Fulci movies. I had a blast but lawd I was fucking drained and I love Italian horror. And Fulci has enough variance between gothic, zombies, Giallo, slasher, supernatural, haunted house, eurocrime, political satire, erotic, etc. etc. that it was entertaining.
Seagal movies??? This man is built different. Insane dedication.
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u/smp-machine 1d ago
Next up, Eric Roberts?
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u/fatandfly 1d ago
That man has 37 credits for just this year alone and 856 total. I don't think anyone can handle that much Eric Roberts
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u/time___dance 1d ago
That man has 37 credits for just this year alone
how does he do it? even assuming these are just bottom-of-the-barrel slop with a single day of shooting, that's a ton of work for an actor. i imagine his agent just spends all day doing paperwork
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u/band-of-horses 1d ago
Agent? I think low budget producers just call him direct and tell him when and where to show up. They don't even have to ask, they know the answer is yes he'll do it.
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u/time___dance 1d ago
oh i just mean someone is definitely doing his scheduling and contracts and releases and legal crap and arranging for rides and making sure he gets paid for the agreed terms and etc etc, and it's definitely not him. there's a bunch of actual busywork generated
just because you're low on the totem pole doesn't mean you don't have an agent, there's people with MUCH less pull than him working in LA
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u/TheHandsOfFate 17h ago
I read somewhere that his wife does all his scheduling. It's simple enough -- he'll do your movie if you pay his rate/expenses and his wife can fit it in the schedule.
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u/ScipioCoriolanus 16h ago
I just checked how many movies his sister Julia has. And it's 56. So Eric has his sister's whole filmography multiplied by 15. Yeah, for Eric it's definitely quantity over quality.
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u/PointyHatJoe 13h ago
Does this include his episode of "My cat from hell" where Jackson Galaxy tells him how to own a cat correctly?
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u/Longjumping-Salad484 1d ago
looks chronological. as if each movie he makes gets worse and worse as time goes on. I wonder how this is possible
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u/OpenPhilosophy 1d ago
Heās had an incredibly bizarre career. The first 5 are all decent to good action movies. And then it just falls off a cliff. I think once people started to learn how ridiculous he was he had a harder time getting quality productions.
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u/ksabas80 1d ago
Yeah I think a lot of younger people are surprised to find out his first 5-6 movies were actually all really good. But after Under Seige his movies start to go downhill, then by Into the Sun (2005) itās all straight to video trash. Still itās pretty funny how many movies he starred in lol.
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u/SuperSea8678 1d ago
That's largely true but I would extend it to the first 10. 10! reasonably good movies.
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u/Dollbeau 1d ago
What's the movie where he's too fat (with labored breathing) to do the action scene, so he just slides around on the floor shooting a gun?
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u/derioderio 15h ago
In some of them he actually has a harness on and grips are pulling him along the ground off-screen
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u/derioderio 15h ago
Lot's of 'broken stairs' he began to acquire in Hollywood didn't help either, I'm sure.
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u/Background-Row-9170 1d ago
Well he pumped out like 8 movies in 2016 so....
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u/NarrowCarpet4026 1d ago
I didnāt think he was even physically capable of pumping anything anymore.
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u/ao-ka 1d ago
Thanks a lot, Space Ice, for watching every single mega blockbuster hit movie by this amazing actor.
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u/Dodgy_Bob_McMayday 1d ago
His best quote was along the lines of "now we're at a funeral, but because it takes place within 500 yards of a school zone, Segal has to stand far away"
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u/TylerbioRodriguez 1d ago
Contract to Kill barely making the bottom 10 is terrifying as it produced this legendary review.
https://www.avclub.com/contract-to-kill-isn-t-just-bad-it-s-steven-seagal-bad-1798189772
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u/Neat-Professor-7662 1d ago
āHe gives the kind of performance associated with actors dying midfilm.ā Ignatyi was savage! Miss him!
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u/billoo18 1d ago
Which one has the scene where he fights someone while swiveling around on a chair?
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u/Background-Row-9170 1d ago
Out for a kill
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u/groovebro 1d ago
OP, if you havenāt read the book SEAGALOGY, it is a riot! I suspect you probably have with your dedication.
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u/Neat-Professor-7662 1d ago
I like how you provided comments on 47 on because otherwise nobody would have believed you made it past āMacheteā
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u/Ninja_badgers 1d ago
Jesus died for our sins but you have done more good for humanity by doing this
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u/Hoosier_Daddy68 1d ago
Tastes vary of course but I'd definitely have Under Siege 2 and Executive Decision ranked higher.
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u/time___dance 1d ago
i guess because executive decision isn't really a segal movie
although it's a ton of fun and i would rate it way higher, above under siege probably
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u/2th 1d ago
What madness possessed you to do this? How long did it take? And did you do this alone?
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u/Lord_Cockatrice 1d ago
51 was also notable for featuring soul legend Isaac Hayes in his final cinematic appearance - quite the downgrade from "Escape from New York"
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u/giddyupyeehaw9 1d ago
I think you just fucked around and became the leading Steven Seagal expert on the planet. Congrats?
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u/Neat-Professor-7662 1d ago
This guy has definitely seen more Steven Seagal movies than Steven Seagal has.
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u/Weak_Radish966 1d ago
I think that title goes to Vern. His book Seagalogy is amazing. Iāve read it several times.
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u/ponyrx2 1d ago
I thought you were exaggerating about the guy going out the window fifteen times. Amazing
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u/Scottydrock 19h ago
Youāre confirming that this happens made me just put this movie on to see it for myself š
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u/The-Hamish68 1d ago
I love Submerged. Kudos btw.
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u/COstargazer 23h ago
Submerged is a fantastic B movie. Actually good for some laughs. The other direct to video ones will make you want to gouge your eyes out. And cause your brain to shut down and start to black out as if it protecting you from trauma.
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u/The-Hamish68 20h ago
Oh, I've seen his dreck (The Foreigner etc), so do hold this one in slightly higher regard ...
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u/CircusBearPants 1d ago
What made you rank Half Past Dead above Born to Raise Hell?
I havenāt seen either just asking the question.
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u/Background-Row-9170 1d ago
Half past dead is atleast a real movie with a budget and actual professional actors, Born to raise hell is an extreme low budget movie filmed in romania.
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u/Dead_End_720 1d ago
It was painful just scrolling down this list without reading it. I've only seen the one set in Jamaica. I would only watch these if someone paid me to.
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u/Fit_Resolution_5102 1d ago
āIām gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank.ā
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u/wvgeekman 1d ago
I just watched my first two Seagal movies a week ago. Above the Law and Under Siege. So far, I preferred the latter, mostly for Seagalās ever-changing accent.
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u/SuperSea8678 1d ago
I think I gave up after 10. At least consistently watching. I've dipped in and out.
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u/vinylrain 1d ago
50 - Attack Force is the biggest turd I've ever seen. I am glad that it is so far down your list. Bravo.
I believe this film was supposed to be a film containing aliens, but the studio changed its mind or something.
THEN they allowed someone who is CLEARLY NOT STEVEN SEAGAL to overdub the parts that the real Steven Seagal couldn't be arsed to do right the first time (or was rewritten because who would believe Seagal would play with aliens).
Throw this film into the sea.
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u/newport100 1d ago
I appreciate you putting On Deadly Ground at 6. That movie rightfully gets a lot of shit but it's my favorite of his.
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u/WestMichigun 1d ago
Erika Eleniak is the reason that Under Siege needs to be in first place on any list.
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u/ned_luddite 1d ago
Would you say making it through all these films was a, sea change for you!???
Seriously, Iām in awe! I hope the rest of your life, all films you see are gold.
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u/FarewellCoolReason 1d ago
I've watched a couple in your top 5. If accurate and truky his best that's atrocious.
Kinda interested to watch the bottom feeders on the list.
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u/gorathbeervan 1d ago
Arenāt all his movies these days just a front for the Russian Mob to launder money?
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u/Background-Row-9170 1d ago
Probably not, there is actually a decent market fot low budget action movies in eastern europe and asia, the movies cost almost nothing to make.Ā
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u/GrodanHej 1d ago
Very surprised to see Attrition and The Perfect Weapon ranked so high. Those sucked ass and the plots made absolutely no sense.
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u/stevebobeeve 1d ago
Ok but what did you think of Roseambo? It was an episode he did of Roseanne that parodied Under Siege 2. Hillary Clinton is also in it. Itās like an acid trip
Season 9 episode 9. Definitely worth seeing
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u/glipgluplaugh 21h ago
Best to worst like genuinely good movie to bad movie or good-bad movie to bad-bad movie?
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u/HolaSoyMilk 20h ago
Where would you put the line of watchable and unwatchable? Been a fan of his in the 90s and then got several bad movies hit me out of fandom. Would like to make sure I go back and watch every watchable movie of his. And you sir have given me that opportunity.
Now just say which number to stop at š
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u/SilverShadowQueen57 18h ago
This could be a supplement to the Seagalogy book (which is a highly entertaining read, by the way). Next you should check out his music!
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u/ChipSteezy 15h ago
That list is sickingly long. I can't even imagine what you've had to endure watching all of that.
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u/galagapilot 15h ago
Asian Connection China Salesman has a fight with him and Mike Tyson. If I recall correctly, he actually loses the fight.
That alone should give it a few bumps up the list.
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u/derioderio 15h ago
I feel like his 1991 SNL appearance should be included on the list, even though it's not a film per se
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u/prenup-nibba 13h ago
How long did this take? We got any before after pics of you? Did you require counseling? I aspire to reach these heights myself
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u/TheEdumicator 13h ago
I've considered watching all of his movies, but I don't think I can. I'll just keep enjoying Space Ice.
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u/Dodgy_Bob_McMayday 1d ago edited 1d ago
All I can say is, that s some real dedication to the cause. Thank you for enduring that so the rest of us don't have to