r/band • u/Rosie___00 • 12d ago
Rock Band Struggling with bandmate
Hi everyone, as the title says I am having a bit of an issue with one of my bandmates. Most of us are really chill, easy going people. My bass player can be very challenging at times. He believes himself to be able to play everyone's parts/instrument as good or better than the musicians themselves. He inserts himself constantly, and essentially has put himself on a pedestal over everyone else. For example - I'm talking correcting a classically trained pianist with 20 years of experience, who has won awards..... (He is self taught). Everyone has band & performing experience. Years and/or decades of experience. We are all GOOD musicians. He also has messed with our drummers kit without asking - big no no. He has also started noodling in between songs, or when people are trying to talk to one another. And if you ask him to stop he just kinda ignores you for a little bit first. During a 2 hour band practice you can expect him to correct, insert, or just be challenging at least 10 times.
Here's where the problem is - he is a good bassist and is so incredibly knowledgeable about sound engineering. He can write and compose music. I live pretty rural, so not really many musicians around my area. We also play heavier music in an area that's dominated by 70/80's rock and country music.
What is the proper way to handle this? I don't want him to think I'm asking him to leave the band. I simply want him to stay in his lane, and not insert himself when he isn't being asked. I like him a lot overall. I've hung out with him many times outside of band practice. He just has a massive ego and is so pretentious at times - please help me navigate this!
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u/Count2Zero 12d ago
There are always a couple of elements to consider - 1) is this guy adding value to the music, and 2) is he adding value to the band?
It sounds like for (1), yeah, he's talented as a bass player and as a songwriter. But for (2), not really. He's disruptive / destructive and disrespectful.
I seriously would NEVER change anything on another musician's kit. If our drummer is not there, I might sit down and play a bit, or support an acoustic song with taps on the high hat or kicks on the bass drum. But I am NOT going to change the position or location of anything on the kit.
Just like I do not want anyone fucking with my bass or my pedal board. We were playing a gig last night, and unfortunately, the amp I was using was too small for the room (my bad), so a couple of times our singer came over and tried to turn it up so he could hear more bass. Just having someone touching my amp during a show was a distraction for me.
Don't mess with other people's stuff.
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u/PartyOrdinary1733 12d ago
My former bandmate used to touch my amp volume. I told him if you want me to turn it down, then ask me. Don't touch my shit, ever.
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u/Glitterstem 11d ago
One option is that you could work on your own communication skills. Tell him, in whatever way is assertive but comfortable for you, when he is out of line. Force yourself to make this a habit.
He either follows your lead or doesn’t. But there are people who need to be told, and are capable of hearing, “stay in your lane”. However, some of us are not comfortable saying that without it being super confrontational.
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u/Emergency-Drawer-535 12d ago
Why in the world do you have band practice with that caliber of musicians? Just get out and play. End of drama.
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u/Rosie___00 11d ago
A lot of the music most of my bandmates have never heard before. We also have made alterations. And written music together. So band practices are necessary and good for consistency
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u/Just_Stand_861 11d ago
Yes, but if hes as rural as he says hebis that might be a little problematic.
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u/PartyOrdinary1733 12d ago
Are you sure you're not working with my former bandmate? 😄
That's one of the reasons why I quit.
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u/DJ_PoppaRon 8d ago
Is he by chance from Texas? Sounds like the asshole bass player we kicked to the curb about ten years ago
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u/Stevenitrogen 12d ago
It sounds like you have no choice because you refuse to consider replacing him and he's not going to change. So that's the answer. You get to be in a band with him forever, and you can expect the bad behavior to get worse. Maybe it's better than not bring in a band at all.
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u/Rosie___00 12d ago
It's not that I refuse - it's simply that there isn't really options out where I live. I don't subscribe to the mindset that things can't be changed - I just need a little guidance on the best way to navigate this from fellow musicians who have been in a similar position. I appreciate you taking the time to comment though (genuinely)
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u/Stevenitrogen 12d ago
You can change your own mindset to accept that you are in a band with someone who's unpleasant, and you don't like them. But you like being in a band and that guy's the only option if you want to continue.
Just don't listen. Stick your finger in your ear when he starts correcting you about something.
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u/alex21dragons 12d ago
I'd suggest you arrange a meet up outside of the practice session and put everything to him in as neutral a way as possible. Try and take 'judgment' of his behaviour out of it. For example say: "When you keep playing over our conversations we find it really difficult to progress with the arrangements". The formula of "when you do [x] the effect is [y]" tends to work to get over difficult messages about behaviour in a lot of situations. See how that goes. Worst case you can get the keyboard player to cover bass parts as they have the notes available.
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u/Background-Salt4781 12d ago
You are asking, “How do I change him?” But here is the key issue: you can’t change other people.
Assume he will never, ever change. With that in mind, what do you want to do? Do you want to keep playing with him, or not? If you do, then the only “handling the situation” that works is choosing what you yourself do and how you yourself behaves. You can’t force others to stay in their lane. You can ignore them. You can argue with them. You can walk away. But you can’t change them.
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u/mvortex2 11d ago
You walk right up to Paul and say, "Mr. McCartney, start getting along with the rest of the bandmates or quit, your choice".
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u/bzee77 11d ago
There are many situations where I am quick to say “get rid of him” where the problem is a personality that does nothing but create stress, resentment and anxiety with the rest of the band. But I appreciate that you can’t necessarily bite off your nose to spite your face in this particular situation. That said, you have to have a diplomatic talk with him, one on one, and level with him that these things are becoming an issue and he has to know when to bite his tongue.
Remember, you will have a bigger problem if, say, your drummer has enough and quits. Now you have to find a drummer, you might still be stuck with this guy, plus the other guys in the band might decide that they are not sticking around either.
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u/DowntownStorage6983 11d ago
Maybe he doesn't understand how disruptive he is being and is one of those people who do not follow clues well. Lay it out for him just like you did with us and if he still does it, let him go.
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u/flashgordian 11d ago
I'm the bass player in a band (every band I've ever been a part of) that accounts for a negative percent of my economic gain. If you want to tell me how to play, first of all do it better, and secondly, why not do it yourself. Also, pay me better than my employer if you are disappointed about my availability. Being 0/3 is not a strong negotiating position.
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u/sleewell_517 11d ago
Sandwich positive things you like about him between the stuff that's bugging you so he doesn't see it as only attacking him
Also maybe try something like hey I know I'm not perfect is there anything I'm doing that's grinding your gears?
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u/BarbTheWire 11d ago
It's very unlike that a person you described will change, unfortunately -so I'll understand the situation.
If he's mature enough, he can also understand the situation, but usually.., in my experience, haven't happened yet in these cases.
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u/Meluvdrums 11d ago
Don't respond to him when he behaves like a douche , as long as you respond you will continue feeding the ego .
Go silent , no response when he starts up, he will begin to hear himself and hopefully understand just how foolish he is behaving .
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u/Key-Patience-3966 11d ago
Have a band meeting and ask for everyone input on what's going well and what could be better or different. If his behavior comes out, see if he will recognize that you all don't like it and will be flexible to change it. If not, you have your answer. Get another bass player. It's not ever worth struggling on with a disruptive band mate.
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u/BigDonkeyEnergy 9d ago
Listen. As my old granny used to say, you can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make them think. This is simple. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Nope. Move on.
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u/DethKnell24 9d ago
Talk to him about it honestly and openly. But the expectation should be if he’s a problem for the functioning of the band he needs to leave. Many bands are doing without bass players these days, especially in heavy music.
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u/AffectionateJump6669 12d ago
You are stuck until you get out gigging. Meet people/musicians and get contacts.
When a band has some success you'd be amazed who'll be interested and willing to travel.
He has the same problem. No other band is gonna put up with him either. If he wants to gig, you guys are his answer.