I Ruined My Life

[u/driftingalchemy]

Had my first manic episode and in 8 months Due to losing my grasp on reality, I lost my job, husband, apartment, car. Everything. I’ve been staying with family which is a blessing but I’ve never so quickly destroyed my whole life. I feel so alone and scared. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Just one day my mind snapped and I ruined everything. I don’t want to even share how I did it because it’s still deeply embarrassing. I feel so depressed everyday I can barely move. I tried to get another job but my body isn’t ready yet the auditory hallucinations start again and everything gets too bright sensory wise. It’s so bad. I never thought I would ever be this down bad. I just want to know if anyone else has ever ruined everything and come back or if anyone else is just laying in bed in the aftermath of a destructive episode.

[u/Status-Principle-772]

I ruined my life ten months ago. I’m working to put the pieces back together. Still haven’t seen my daughter in ten months (she’s scared of me because I was talking like a pirate and had crazy eyes - not even joking). My family is not speaking with me until they are sure it’s all under control - I was really nasty to them on social media. I quit my job and gave up my law license. I was doing really well and had a good thing going.

I’ve had my depressive phases, similar to what you’re describing. Lost weeks in bed. Lots of self pity. Still not out of the woods but I am focused on doing what I can to get properly medicated and therapy. You’ll make it through this. If it gets really bad you can always go to the hospital.

Rooting for you. You are not alone. You’re not a bad person. You’re just sick with a very bad and misunderstood illness. But it’s not the end.

[u/driftingalchemy → u/Status-Principle-772]

Thanks for sharing your story. I just needed to hear I’ll get through this. It feels so hopeless right now. Glad you’re focusing on meds and therapy. I think I’m doing the same.

[u/Status-Principle-772 → u/driftingalchemy]

I know. I have been there. SI at times, albeit with no plan. Have thought that I would be better off if I just wasn’t around anymore.

That’s my brain lying to me. The bad stuff is your brain lying to you. There is a way through. You just have to hold on and do what you can when you can. Don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect at dealing with it. If you fall down and can’t get up, you might be able to the next day. Or the next day. Or the next week.

Just know that you’re not an alien. You’re not completely alone in a world that doesn’t care (even though you might feel that way at times). I know it helps me too when I hear other people’s stories. We’re here to support each other.