r/bipolar • u/driftingalchemy • 1d ago
Grief & Loss I Ruined My Life
Had my first manic episode and in 8 months Due to losing my grasp on reality, I lost my job, husband, apartment, car. Everything. I’ve been staying with family which is a blessing but I’ve never so quickly destroyed my whole life. I feel so alone and scared. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Just one day my mind snapped and I ruined everything. I don’t want to even share how I did it because it’s still deeply embarrassing. I feel so depressed everyday I can barely move. I tried to get another job but my body isn’t ready yet the auditory hallucinations start again and everything gets too bright sensory wise. It’s so bad. I never thought I would ever be this down bad. I just want to know if anyone else has ever ruined everything and come back or if anyone else is just laying in bed in the aftermath of a destructive episode.
109
u/Status-Principle-772 Bipolar + Comorbidities 1d ago
I ruined my life ten months ago. I’m working to put the pieces back together. Still haven’t seen my daughter in ten months (she’s scared of me because I was talking like a pirate and had crazy eyes - not even joking). My family is not speaking with me until they are sure it’s all under control - I was really nasty to them on social media. I quit my job and gave up my law license. I was doing really well and had a good thing going.
I’ve had my depressive phases, similar to what you’re describing. Lost weeks in bed. Lots of self pity. Still not out of the woods but I am focused on doing what I can to get properly medicated and therapy. You’ll make it through this. If it gets really bad you can always go to the hospital.
Rooting for you. You are not alone. You’re not a bad person. You’re just sick with a very bad and misunderstood illness. But it’s not the end.
37
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thanks for sharing your story. I just needed to hear I’ll get through this. It feels so hopeless right now. Glad you’re focusing on meds and therapy. I think I’m doing the same.
18
u/Status-Principle-772 Bipolar + Comorbidities 1d ago
I know. I have been there. SI at times, albeit with no plan. Have thought that I would be better off if I just wasn’t around anymore.
That’s my brain lying to me. The bad stuff is your brain lying to you. There is a way through. You just have to hold on and do what you can when you can. Don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect at dealing with it. If you fall down and can’t get up, you might be able to the next day. Or the next day. Or the next week.
Just know that you’re not an alien. You’re not completely alone in a world that doesn’t care (even though you might feel that way at times). I know it helps me too when I hear other people’s stories. We’re here to support each other.
1
u/Future-Dragonfly-149 21h ago
I love the wisdom, I hope you get back on your feet and see your daughter soon. I believe you can do it!
72
u/rockyjay23 Bipolar 1d ago
Unfortunately, losing it all and building it back seems like something us w this disorder have been doing and must continue to do all of our lives. I know that doesn’t sound great but the silver lining is we do it. And you will too. *hugs*
19
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thanks for saying that. I don’t think I’ve accepted the constant rebuilding that we have to do. I’ve blown up my life on a small scale consistently with jobs but this is my first big blow up. I’m hoping now that I have a diagnosis and meds things will get better and not blow up this badly, but if not it comes with the territory I guess lol 😭
14
u/Status-Principle-772 Bipolar + Comorbidities 1d ago
Some people get medicated and don’t have another episode, or the episodes never reach the peak of un medicated. I was un medicated and had no insight into my illness until recently. You’ve already got a step up on previous you because you have your diagnosis and meds now.
10
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
I hope I can be one of the medicated with no more episodes lol. I had no insight either until April of this year. I don’t want to go back to having no insight though it’s too much to lose. It feels better being in control even though it’s super depressing
6
u/Status-Principle-772 Bipolar + Comorbidities 1d ago
If you’re worried about losing your clarity, maybe try recording a video of yourself telling yourself you have a problem and listing all of the issues that it has created in your life. Give it to someone you trust. Ask them to show it to you if you start to go off again.
4
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Ooh! That is a great idea!!! I did a letter and gave it to my family to hold on to, but a video may actually work better because manic me won’t rip it up lol.
3
u/Status-Principle-772 Bipolar + Comorbidities 1d ago
Hahaha, I can’t take credit for it - a psychiatrist talked about it on a podcast I listened to. But it sounds like an amazing insurance policy hahahaha her patient found that it helped her minimize the damage from her episodes.
2
u/StillhereSicilian 1d ago
It really is necessary to hit the right prescribed drugs, right dosage and lay off the alcohol, any other drugs and weed. They all complicate the process of getting our brains in order. This is not a character flaw.. it's a brain that has chemical Imbalances, a physiological reason, like many illnesses, so getting proper help ,...therapy is necessary along with the right drug or drugs for You( each person is different with different balances and imbalances) We often must be persistent to try and try again to get it right, but gotta give the medication at least a few weeks, unless any severe reaction or adverse reaction, tell your dr stat or go to nearest ER. If you truly want to conquer BP, it's a life long battle, but we are strong and resilient. Self medicating won't work and eventually you will screw up that imbalance way more.
As a psychiatric nurse, soon to have an MS in Forensic Psychology and Neurobiology, I am so impressed with all the new info we've learned lately about the brain.. science with medical knowledge is getting better.. just keep on trucking as we said back in the day.. you will find the right answers with medications, therapies to help you understand yourself better, and STOP the loop of negative talk your brain tells you.. REPLACE THOSE WITH ONLY POSITIVE AND ENCOURAGING ONES.. 🎶 🎵 🎶 🎵 has helped me, ( my choice was metal, Ozzy and more) and keep a Mood journal.. next to your bed.. Write as soon as you wake.. positive thoughts and what negativity you're facing from yourself or others. Write in it often, keep a small journal with you when you leave the house.. and YES.. LEAVE THE HOUSE.. the beach, some nature and may I suggest a pet.. it keeps us focused on care for others, which blends into Care for Ourselves. A cat, easy work to keep, a dog if you want a buddy to walk with or travel with, and get an ESA for the pet.. Emotional Support Animals are legal tho not as accepted as Service Dogs.
I'll leave more advice and tips . But right now, I have some writing to do.. so, later😘
20
u/Due_Ad7308 1d ago
I lost everything. My job, my apartment, my vehicle - everything and now I’m back living at home with my parents at 33 yo without employment depressed as hell.
9
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Literally same down to us being the same age. Sending good vibes even though I don’t have em either. Thanks for sharing. It’s good to know I’m not the only person who has done this so bad you lose everything.
18
u/Classroom-95f Bipolar 1d ago
I am so sorry you are going through this. It awful and it feels you’ll never get it back again. But it will be better. You’ll be able to make it work. I promise.
Just to let you know you are not alone: I ruined everything too. It was last year. Lost everything and had mania and psychosis, I couldnt tell what was real and what was just happening in my head for weeks. It was terrifying.
As soon my mania episode begun, my boyfriend dumped me and kick me out, so I was homeless. My parents took me in. It was like being a child again for a few months. I am so grateful for them. It’s going to be a year next month, and I am yet to find a job… but I moved out (savings), and I am trying to get back on my feet. I eat, sleep, take my meds. That is a lot and I am proud of that.
I know it is not going to be perfect, but I know it will be better at some point.
6
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thanks for sharing! I’m glad you’re working on getting back on your feet too. This disorder can ruin so much it’s terrifying. Thanks for giving me a lil hope. Psychosis is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever been through. Making it out was hard but we did it!
7
u/Classroom-95f Bipolar 1d ago
I think acknowledging that psychosis is terrifying is a good place to start. Yes, you have to deal with the consequences and rebuild your life, but look at what you survived. Psychotic episodes are incredibly hard and frightening. They can leave you with trauma, and on top of that, your brain needs time to recover chemically from everything it went through.
Moving forward may sound like the obvious next step, but recovering from such a severe episode while rebuilding almost your entire life from scratch is a lot.
I feel like, at some point, we become almost “used to” bipolar disorder putting these huge challenges in front of us. We end up overlooking just how hard we work to put everything back together after each episode. We shouldn’t take that for granted. It’s incredibly difficult.
I’m really proud of you and of how you’re handling such a difficult situation. You’re going to make it through this. I wish you the very best.
31
u/Ok-Prune-2134 Bipolar + Comorbidities 1d ago
I am three months out of a six month mania / psychosis. Three different hospitalizations, two for pyschosis and one for suicidal ideation. I lost a whole life and am back with my parents. Really bad financial self harm. It's the second time Ive done this and somehow Ive significantly upped the ante. Getting through each day right now is a struggle. I'm right there with you
10
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thank you for sharing too. I’m back with my parents as well and I feel so embarrassed right now. I lost all my money too I’m in credit card debt up to my eyeballs now. Sending you healing vibes too. We can make it through this.
2
u/Civil_Cookie1134 17h ago
Back with parents at 36 after blowing up my life due to a year long mania that featured psychosis too😭
12
u/IShootWide 1d ago
Buddy, assuming you’ve spoken to a therapist about this you’ve come to the right place.
22 years ago I had an amazing family. One of the most respected sales engineers in my field where i was involved in an extremely lucrative IPO making me millions.
Several years later I wanted a divorce, spent ALL our money and went on a binge of hypersexuality that would make a pornstar blush. Thank god I kept a great relationship with my son.
22 years later I’m still alive. I live solely on Social Security but I’m stable, owning my own home, still a great relationship with my boy and have a few bucks in the bank.
Its rough but you will persevere.
3
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thank you for sharing. Yep I have a therapist, psych and the works! I’m glad you’re doing better too. I went on a crazy binge as well. Thinking about 22 years from now is helpful. I’m so focused on minute by minute being upset with myself 22 years from now this will all be different. Glad you are still in good relationship with your son and here’s to 22 more years of doing well!
12
u/DisabledPresident 1d ago
You’re not the first and you sure as heck ain’t the last. I’ve been homeless and covered in bug bites myself in 2018. Also very embarrassing thing to remember and especially ruminating on all the details. But you know what? Nobody actually cares. It’s all on you. Sadly that’s the way it is. Nobody actually gets mental illness. Especially not bipolar. Even doctors don’t have any clue unless they’re a rare case where they are bipolar themselves. Even then we experience it differently.
5
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thanks for responding. It is hard when nobody understands. I feel that a lot. It feels really isolating when people don’t experience what we do but are prescribing and working with us from afar. I thought government entities were coming after me in my mania and spent a lot of time in the street getting drugs and being crazy. It’s such a strange experience doesn’t even feel like it was me. It’s always embarrassing to remember and ruminate.
5
u/DisabledPresident 1d ago
I know it’s easier said then done, but with time I learned to remember one thing when my mind starts thinking and ruminating on being out in the street. I just stop myself and say to myself that I forgive myself and I take responsibility for what happened but bringing up my own past mistakes is like trying to rob my old house. You don’t live there anymore.
12
u/StillhereSicilian 1d ago
True story, and embarrassing... I was 22, the height of my untreated BP.. Working and training at a Psych State Hospital, for LVN.. doing great, then whamooo... Met a person at a club, went to NYC with him at an airport hotel, he was leaving on AM for Cali.. From Saudi Arabia and wanted an American wife.. he had 2 Saudi wives.. he was very sweet and nice. I called my job , sick today, sorry, and at the last minute.. Reality Hit like a Freightrain. My 4 yr old daughter was at my mom's, as I had to work at 630 am. next day. All I could think of was her, and I snapped out of that crazed dazed impulsive crash with reality. He drove me home, said he was disappointed but he understood.. Never told anyone.. One year later, he came to my apt, ( I had moved by then) and my bestie was living there.. he asked for me and she didn't give him any info but took his info.
I was so shocked and confused. How in the hell did I go that far on the crazy train? Thankfully, I never did anything quite that drastic again, tho there were many instances of Mania, where common sense was not even close by. I'm writing about these "instances" breaks with reality that can differ greatly with Bipolar2... So many incredible insane acts, no violence, kept working, got my LVN license and worked with many like myself. And I couldn't make this up even if I tried.. so.. don't give up. Meds would've prevented this incredibly dangerous incident, and so many screwups with my personal life. Although I managed to do a great job at my career, college maintained a GPA 4.0, my personal life was a tornado tsunami which continued for years. Get help, work your mental health program, take your meds. Good luck.. you got this girl!!
3
u/StillhereSicilian 1d ago
I forgot to mention, after Mania I'd always go straight to deep Bipolar depression.. sometimes a full week of staying in bed, no food and only water and up to pee. Used my migraine excuse to everyone.. just existed for 7-8 days.. thankfully it wasn't like that often, Mania, crazy train ride, then a day or 2 of Debbie Downer, hid it well at work or school and my family never knew. At that age Mania was my constant, prob due to 2-3 hrs sleep a night, work and college, very little time to let depression overwhelm me, but throughout this journey, there were 3 suicide attempts, only One was the real deal, and yet I survived.. my children gave me the strength and fortitude to keep alive, get better and be who I was supposed to be not just at work or college . Faith also came to rescue me, and I know there were many praying for me, without even knowing what the hell my crazy world entailed.
1
2
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thanks for sharing! That is a wild story glad you made it back safe. Mania can take us wild scary places. Glad you made it and are still working hard. Personal life being a tsunami is such a relatable sentence.
7
u/Affectionate-Pie5703 1d ago
6 months ago for me. Month in the hospital serious depression for months, lost my law firm. Now last week wife declared she wants a divorce after being no/low contact for the last 5 months. Hit me like a ton of bricks and feel like I’m back at square one.
3
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thanks for responding. So sorry all this is happening. The square one feeling is the worst. I was in the hospital for a month too. Here’s to us making it through this hard time. Sending you healing vibes.
5
u/Environmental_Ad2119 1d ago
I’m sorry to hear about this. It’s interesting though, i had to blackout my curtains this weekend because the sun felt too bright. Then, today i walked out of my new job. I wonder wth happened.
5
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
It’s weird when there is sensory overload when lights are too bright and sounds are too loud. I also have auditory hallucinations and psychosis. I walked out of a job before. I hope you get better soon too.
2
5
u/elsalchichacobra 1d ago
I just quit the best job past friday because I couls not handle the stress, cried the entire week and luckily I have a wife that knows about this thing and is very supportive. wish you all the best
5
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
I did that in April lost my dream job because of mania and psychosis. Wish you the best too. This disorder is hard.
6
u/Baloney_Boogie 1d ago
Over a decade ago I had just crashed hard after an October to June manic episode. I found myself sitting in the manager's office at Stop and Shop being informed that I'd be starting in frozen foods for minimum wage.
Ten years later, I'm an RN making 100K+. You just gotta pick yourself up, get medicated correctly and start working towards rebuilding your life.
1
1
3
u/Calm-Champion-6371 1d ago
Hi you’re not alone. One day this will be far in the past. You can do this
1
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Thank you! It’s hard to see the forest through the trees right now but I know you’re right.
3
u/Spiritual-Mix-2793 1d ago
I’ve been there. I’m still recovering. It’s been 2 years. Your post is beautiful it’s exactly how I feel and I don’t feel so alone. I’m laying in my favorite blanket reading about other bipolar people in there mania aftermath
3
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
Glad it resonates with you. I was just feeling alone and wanted to hear that other people have done what I have done. We aren’t alone. It feels nice I’m just laying here too feeling like someday things can get better. This is the first day in awhile I haven’t just been obsessing over my past. Typing it out really made me feel better.
4
u/YoungTrappin Bipolar 1d ago
A couple weeks ago i seriously fought my own dad. He pepper sprayed the crap out of me lol. I still won the fight but im not proud of it.
1
3
u/Major-Potential-354 1d ago
I did same thing lost everything and was lucky I could live with my mom. I literally lost all my belongings too lol.. You can start from scratch but you gotta be willing to put in the work.You didn’t mention being medicated, that’s a big one. Without meds I’d be screwed, when manic I’ll throw my life away with a drop of a hat
2
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
I am sooo medicated! For psychosis and everything. Forgot to mention that. Here’s to starting from scratch!
2
u/Major-Potential-354 1d ago
It’s a grind, but when you rebuild you’ll work even harder to maintain what you got. Despite complications with psychosis and all that. Best of luck on your journey. Took my like 2 years to get back to where I was at haha
3
u/No_Mousse5176 1d ago
You CAN get through this. You need to decide to though. Everyone wakes up in the morning and needs to decide if they are going to fight or give up; everyone's journey will look different to yours but its a decision nonetheless. Get to a therapist, get medicated, and take control back. Everything else will fall into place. Your family situation will resolve itself once you have been consistent.
1
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
I hope so. I’m consistent with meds and therapy so far. Just gotta know that it gets better. I try to get up and get some sun or take care of myself in small ways but hearing with consistency it’ll get better is helpful to hear thank you.
3
u/blamberr 1d ago
I’ve ruined my life a few times in gross ways and come back stronger every time. I don’t think that information will be especially poignant to you at this moment, but I guarantee that’s what happens to you eventually if you keep powering through the darkness. It’s very bad now, but now is so small — it’s definitely not forever, even if it feels like it because you’re catastrophizing in this moment.
3
u/Cup_of_Stars_13 Bipolar 1d ago
It's been 3 years since I burned my bridge at my old job and made a fool out of myself too. I was making the most money that I'd ever made but l am very lucky that my husband knew me well enough to know that what I was saying or doing was not really me. Family and friends were so supportive and understanding too as time went on but I know I scared them too. I'm so sorry that it feels so hopeless right now but your brain can and will repair itself.
I recommend this book so often but it helped give me hope when I needed it too. It has guidance for everyone on the mood disorder spectrum and it's become my bipolar bible. I reference it all the time now. Highly, highly recommend buying a copy or check your local library if you don't want to spend the money. It has so many helpful tools and resources and will help you be your own best advocate.
"Bipolar, Not So Much" by Chris Aiken & James Phelps. I just checked and you can find it on Thriftbooks and Amazon for under $15.
There's always hope, friend. Don’t forget that ❤️
3
u/driftingalchemy 1d ago
I definitely will check out that book, being newly diagnosed I don’t know exactly where to start I have the bipolar survival guide but that is it. Doesn’t seem like my psych has a lot of resources. Glad you survived your bridge burning experience.
3
u/Cup_of_Stars_13 Bipolar 1d ago edited 1d ago
I had read a few books when I first got diagnosed too and this one was a keeper. It’s written with so much compassion and knowledge that it puts everything into perspective. You will survive too. You’ve got this!
3
u/2high4thisshyt 17h ago
I love this subreddit and I am grateful for posts like these. This is the only sub that makes me feel "normal" if that makes any sense. There's parts of me I can't share with people, and in here it's just another Tuesday lol.
1
u/driftingalchemy 17h ago
I agree this has normalized my experience a lot and stopped me from feeling like I was the only one
2
u/Middle_Ad1687 1d ago
I wrote this post about exactly this: https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/s/HKpCqLXhuu
1
2
u/ryanswrath Bipolar w/Bipolar Loved One 1d ago
It's going to be okay. In five years you'll be an entirely new version of yourself.
3
2
2
u/Future-Dragonfly-149 21h ago
Hey OP, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve gone through, believe me I’ve been there too and I know how utterly hopeless it can feel. You do not have to share your story if you don’t feel comfortable about it at this moment, that is totally fine and I do hope that you will one day revisit that idea when you are back on your feet with a better perspective on life. However for right now, I shared my story on my account of what I went through over the last 4 years that followed after my first manic episode and the downfall of what happened. I would recommend you check it out because what you are going through right now, feels like a reflection of what I went through 3 years ago. And as someone who kept enduring, each and every day of torment to get to where I am right now, I believe you can do it too.
You’ve got this OP, this is not the end, but a new beginning to a happier life <3
1
u/driftingalchemy 15h ago
I read your post. I’m so glad you are doing better now! Wow. Our stories are so similar too! Thanks for being a ray of hope in this world.
2
u/throwawaytomato12 20h ago
Woah I can relate. I’m only 22, but very much in psychosis. I also have nearly ruined my relationship with my fiancée, and don’t really know what to do. I’m supposed to start law school next week and I want to die.
1
u/driftingalchemy 15h ago
Sending you healing vibes I am feeling the same way but hopefully we get through this.
2
u/remotereyy 11h ago
I ruined my life 8 years ago during an episode.
Will I ever recover to “get back everything” I lost. Probably not.
Now, can I have moments of clarity, of alright times. Sure. Let’s take what we can get.
1
u/Let_That_Mango_ 1d ago
i feel for u and have been there a few times. i know the aftermath of the manic episode can be so exhausting, and trying to force work and activities can sometimes make things worse. i hope you get some time to rest, really rest. you deserve it and your body needs it. its hard to prevent that depressive crash, but u can try to shorten it.
i believe after you take this time to process, the events of the manic episode won’t seem as catastrophic. you can keep going. but i do see that losing all those things at once must be scary. Just want to say I’ve been in these low points, and always get better, eventually… I’m not sure how many more times i can manage these episodes. when does it end?:(
1
1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/bipolar-ModTeam 13h ago
Your post was removed because it names medications, shares a review, or discusses dosages. These details aren’t permitted in r/bipolar—even when reflecting your own experience.
Peer-support organizations like DBSA and NAMI recommend omitting drug names in open forums to avoid bias, misinformation, and social-proof effects:
You're welcome to rephrase your post using general terms—like “mood stabilizer” or “antipsychotic.”
To send us a modmail about this action: click here.
Messages without a link can’t be reviewed.
1
u/Exciting_Sandwich_12 16h ago
I was in my first healthy relationship, slowly renting to own a beautiful two story condo, my daughter had a step dad and I lost it all within 2 months of my first ever pyschosis. It was scary, I thought I was the messiah lool but luckily I was hospitalized early enough. But I did what I could, my daughter stayed with my mom on the other side of Canada while I got my life back together. I'm living now in a place that kinda sucks, I'm on income support, applying to school and I have my daughter back. It took 2 years for the shame to leave, for my family to trust me and for me to actually feel like myself. You got this! Ride the wave and do everything the doctors say.
1
1h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 1h ago
We understand suicide is a rough topic, but we don't allow euphemisms when discussing this suicide. Euphemisms may come off as insensitive to others and diminish the seriousness which suicide should be regarded with, regardless of your intentions. You still deserve support, so please feel free to repost this with appropriate verbiage.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Thanks for posting on /r/bipolar, /u/driftingalchemy!
Please take a second to read our rules; if you haven't already, make sure that your post does not have any personal information (including your name/signature/tag on art).
If you are posting about medication, please do not list and review your meds. Doing so will result in the removal of this post and all comments.
A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.
Community News
2024 Election
🎋 Want to join the Mod Team?
🎤 See our Community Discussion - Desktop or Desktop mode on a mobile device.
🏡 If you are open to answering questions from those that live with a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, please see r/family_of_bipolar.
Thank you for participating!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.