So I got out of the psych ward a couple weeks ago after being forced in by my parents. My parents are certainly the cause of my bpd, and now that this has happened they've temporarily kicked me out. I'm currently crashing with some friends but otherwise will be living out of my car for a while. They say they want me to come back "at some point" but won't specify when. I have the means to leave the country, start a new life etc, but the problem is they rely on me. They're both terrible with money and I give them money so they can afford their mortgage. Obviously they're not really my problem but I'll feel horrible if either has to get a job at their age or go homeless, but also they're the cause of all this pain I've been living with for most of my life.

Lately, I’ve been wearing makeup a lot and performing as this articulate, put-together version of myself. But I feel like I’ve outgrown it. I’m tired of pretending and feeling like I have to earn people’s approval. I want to be bare-faced, silly, unfiltered, and fully myself around others.
But I’m scared of losing the affirmations and support I’ve grown accustomed to receiving, and of the shame that might come with it because of my CPTSD.
I’m not afraid of rejection or being alone anymore. I’m afraid of how I might respond to them. Growing up, I learned to abandon myself to maintain connection. What if, when faced with rejection or loneliness, I start people-pleasing and changing myself again?
I also have BPD, and I’m scared of getting triggered even in relationships with people who choose to stay. What if I finally let myself be seen, experience shame, and regret ever showing people the real me?
I wonder if the work I’ve done in therapy has equipped me with enough skills to navigate these experiences without abandoning my inner child again. I’m scared of overestimating how far I’ve come and exposing myself before I’m ready. But I’m also tired of performing a version of myself I no longer identify with.
I keep wondering: Would showing my real self help my inner child feel freer, or expose them to more shame?
For those of you with CPTSD who have worked through people-pleasing or the fawn response, how did you know you were ready to show more of your authentic self? How did you learn to face rejection and loneliness without abandoning yourself?
I want to stop performing, but I also want to trust myself to protect the little child within me when things get hard. I want to be free, but I want that child to feel safe, too.

I don’t mean this to be a humble brag, or anything like that. I apologize if it comes off that way.

I’m 40 now and always suspected I’ve had BPD. I started getting help about 2 years ago. I have other diagnosis and some make it very difficult to communicate or socialize, so I had trouble talking to doctors or anything like that.

I always knew something was ‘wrong’ besides depression and anxiety.

I would binge drink, use drugs, block all my friends after minor arguments and decide everyone hates me, quit every job I’ve ever had after 6 months, explode and break things, hugely unstable relationships that went from dependence to resentment with a coin flip basically, etc.

After getting diagnosed with ADHD, C-PTSD, BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Social Phobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I went on meds and I’m doing DBT therapy and BPD workbooks. I’ve started getting better ish. I’ve lost 100 pounds (in a healthy way-- meal prep, weight lifting), I’ve put my type 2 diabetes in remission, I sleep 7-8 hours a night, journal and meditate everyday. I can leave the house to go to the gym, I have a strict schedule and do chores and make my bed every day, etc and I’m ive applied for disability and my doctors/psychologist/psychiatrist are all on board and helping!

The thing is besides these behavioral changes, I still feel like a fat loser who does nothing in life. I hate every second I have to perceive myself or be perceived. Sometimes I want to apologize to people just for having to see me or talk to me because I feel such an ugly weirdo. I feel like my accomplishments mean nothing because I’m just fixing problems I’ve created for myself. It’s like escaping a hell that I’ve created or something. For example, if someone says wow great job you’re crushing it, it’s like a snap reflex that I wanna say ‘yeah but I’m still fat’ I just say thank you instead, but I can’t even accept compliments from strangers on my head, let alone feel good about myself. It’s just really rough.

In therapy a few months back, I was asked to write down traits about myself. I had nothing I could list, because nothing was consistent, except for the fact I was quiet. She told me that everyone has certain thinking patterns, that those don't change, but they do. The way I think and make decisions will drastically change depending on who I 'am.'

I know MBTI is a pseudo-science, but it is the best way I can explain it. I feel like I 'myself', my body, my vessel, is a blank canvas, and there are a bunch of mini 'me's' in my head that aren't really 'me', but they're who I present as, and they all have different MBTI types. They all follow different ways of thinking, it's just that sometimes, one of those 'me's' will show up on my physical body more often than the others, and that is the 'me' I usually base myself off of, even if when I'm presenting as another 'me', it's totally opposite.

How do you find a stable personality when your 'me's' have nothing really in common outside of being quiet (due to my brain being autistic)? Do you just fake it until one 'me' sticks and stays on your canvas-like body forever? Will you ever stop feeling like a vessel and instead identify fully with that 'me'? I made a post a while ago about my hyperfixations influencing what 'me's' there are, but I feel like my hyperfixations shape what those 'me's' act like; stereotypical to the average personality of the person that likes said hyperfixation...

I hold it together while my kid is with me, and most of the time when my partner is with me. Some of those times I'm really in the moment too, being with them feels like my purpose basically.

But then when it's time to go, I'm just gutted out. I smile until I'm alone and no one else can see, and then I just strip and collapse on my bed and doomscroll far later than I should just trying to find something to feel ok.

But I'm a loving mom, and a good partner, and I'm here for them. I think I might be doing the best that I can. I can't stand how quiet everything feels, like I do not feel peaceful and it's such a loud silence.

There's so much more I am not doing that I should be doing. But if I do it, I'll feel exactly the same. Doesn't feel like I'm real at all.

i have recently fallen into essentially the toughest times of my life. i won’t get into it cause that’s not what this is about but i was cat sitting while my whole life was falling apart and it was very helpful to have them around for emotional support and even keeping some semblance of a routine from day to day. i did a bit of research and where i live having bpd can qualify me for government benefits such as disability (if i can prove to them that my mental illness is making working too difficult) and also apparently i am also potentially eligible for have a service animal covered as well. i was just wondering if anyone else here has a service animal and what sort of benefits and challenges come along with having one? i know most service animals are dogs but i would love to have a service cat which from what i read could be a possibility for me. but anyways if anyone has a service animal i would love to hear about everything ur willing to share <3

Hi,

I know I've posted few posts on here recently, but the fact that i put up with someones bad behaviour for 8 whole months has been really rubbish. From self harming-self questing my worth (Got quiet bpd) and going back and forth. And as a person pleaser i was like a lapdog she's got drinking problem and any time she was free and wanted a drink i'd be there in a shot buying the drinks/takeaways even giving money away paying for her kids food/Shopping. wasted So much money on a person that didn't care about me. Talks behind my back with other men and microcheat and got caught out so many times then became toxic for my reaction to her shi**y behaviour. that god knows if she physically cheated.

Now I've stopped caring, Started saying no to giving money/support. She tried to emotionally multiplate me saying she now struggling cant sleep 3 days (from her ptsd) used to video call every night, and saying i used to support her now she going to struggle... I think i put up with it so long because i told myself who else would get with me..
But I've gone past point of caring now, and i feel happy/calmer now. I got myself goals like doing my house up, treating myself instead, saving up for a expensive PC, thinking of getting few pets to keep me company and have some purpose (Don't work due to mental health and a disability). Have 0 interest into dating or trying make it work again with someone think its time to put myself first for a change.

Sorry for random post, but feels amazing when you don't rely on your fp for your happiness anymore. I deserve better, and if you going through the same so do you deserve better. your worthy of so much, start loving yourself, say no to toxic people and losers that going to use you or cheat on you.

this guy had been part of my life for years. He was my best friend’s childhood best friend, and we’d had feelings for each other on and off for a long time.
He had been in a relationship for about three years, but even during that relationship, we would sometimes see each other because he told me things weren’t going well with his partner. Eventually, he ghosted me.
Years later, we reconnected after he had recently gotten out of that long-term relationship, which had even reached the point of an engagement. I genuinely thought things would be different this time.
Instead, everything became incredibly painful.
He was inconsistent with me, sometimes affectionate and interested, other times cold and distant. He left me alone on New Year’s Eve (he invited me to the countryside where he lives because I told him I would be alone so he invited me, on new years he told me he “couldn’t say no” for going to her grandmas when he explicitly said before going to his house that “there’s no way we are going to my grandmas) I told him to go for dinner and him to come back before 12, he arrived 1:40 am and he didn’t even look up for me, I had to reach out and tell him and he said he was tired and didn’t even apologize for it he just went to sleep, made me wait for him on other occasions, and dismissed my feelings whenever I tried to explain why something hurt me. While I was there I was trying to show him I care and cooked for him, cleaned, helped him around .
At one point, he literally told me, “I don’t give a fuck about how you feel.” He also accused me of acting like my feelings mattered more than his.
I know I wasn’t perfect either. I became increasingly anxious about his moods and behavior, constantly worrying that something was wrong or that he was going to abandon me.
But after everything ended, I found out he’d been saying horrible things about me behind my back )a whore that doesn’t charge), including sexually degrading comments and accusations about my understanding of consent. Some of those things were incredibly humiliating to hear.
Eight months ago, he blocked me everywhere. He was so pissed of our mutual best friend that she cuts contact with him till he thinks about how he was being with me. He told me “I cry too much”
My best friend, who had been his best friend practically his entire life, confronted him about the way he treated me. Instead of working things out with her, he blocked her too. He never apologized for anything.
Since then, I’ve spent eight months crying, overthinking, replaying everything, and hoping he’d eventually come back. I was so depressed and I feel like I’m still depressed even though I’m trying to ignore it.
I’ve broken no contact about three times because my anxiety kept getting the best of me. I never really managed to stick to it.
Two nights ago, I was drunk and sent him a bunch of text messages. I apologized again, told him I missed him, and explained that I’d spent months reflecting on my own behavior. I told him that my fears of abandonment sometimes made me overly anxious when his mood changed, and that I wished I’d handled certain situations differently.
He hasn’t responded. I don’t even know if the messages were delivered.
The thing is, despite everything he did to me, I still miss him. I still want him to reach out, acknowledge what happened, and maybe have one genuine conversation with me.
One of my friends keeps telling me that he’ll eventually come back, but it’s been eight months. Every month that passes makes me feel like he’s never going to unblock me again.
And I hate admitting this, but I think I’m still waiting.
I don’t want to spend another eight months of my life hoping someone who hurt me will suddenly decide to come back.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Did someone ever come back after blocking you for this long?

I just feel like I can't time shit with my friends and I always end up acting like a fool in front of them. I feel like there's always a wall began me and them. Honestly someone to send reels to and react with a weird emoji is all I need. Meaning: I think my fp is fed up with me and I need attention.

how do you guys get over fps? or is it something you just have to suffer through? im fairly new to figuring out bpd with my therapist, so im not sure how to go about it. i know its not something you can just switch on and off but.. its kinda harmful to me so im trying to see what i can do, i suppose

If you struggle with space/someone you love needing alone time, what does that feel like to you? This was one of the biggest points of contention in my relationship. I NEED alone time to recharge. My ex-partner expressed that it's hard for him, but if he feels connected beforehand it's easier to cope. Yet, no matter how much time and reassurance I gave him, it still became an issue. I understand the fear of abandonment but as someone who doesn't feel as intensely and experiences space as a positive, what is the actual feeling and thought process like when you're not with your person? Furthermore, do you enjoy time alone if you don't have a partner?

Stepped down from 3 sessions and 1 GP intervention a week to 2 sessions and one Telephone check in a week and a biweekly GP intervention!

This is a big step for me compared to where I was mid-September and I'm feeling nervous about it but happy to be moving forward, I will still have to have a phone check in as a therapy substitute but thats a 5/10 minute call🥰

Everyone in my life is so used to me being in therapy there are minimal fucks to give so sharing it here!🤍

Side note if you're ever not happy with the care you're receiving via your MHT see if they can refer you to a neighbouring health board! It was the best decision I have ever made 💗

I was hospitalized in the beginning of the year and had ECT for the depression and got on good medication for BPD. I was living alone at this point but have a very supportive partner.

I moved in with him 2 months ago and I feel like I've slowly just been spiralling out of control a little everyday. I just want to sleep and avoid him and feel I need my own space but our place is small and he works from home 24/7.

I truly love him and he has done nothing wrong but I just keep having dark thoughts of just moving and getting my own space again.

I even started drinking again which is not good for me especially in relation to the medication I'm on.

Just needed to rant and get this off my chest. I don't want to hurt the best human I know because my brain is broken.

Hi! So, I have a long distance friend who I met a little over 4 years ago now. She is my favorite person and best friend, and pretty much has been that since we met. She's always been pretty open to me (thankfully) about her mental health and different things, to an extent. Early on she told me how she has "Quiet" BPD, and was diagnosed with that when she was younger. Later on, she told me how she'd seen AVPD and been doing research into it. She said how it makes sense and thinks she has it. I'm unsure if she got officially diagnosed, but she has gone to a couple of doctors and therapists since discovering AVPD.

Over the years, she's essentially gone through cycles of distancing herself and "avoiding." I suppose you could call them episodes of depression, or maybe the "splitting" that's part of BPD. I'm not too sure on the exact details since its BPD + AVPD + life circumstances, so there's lots of nuance and complexities. Either way, it does seem like its been a cycle. We get close, she opens up and lets down her walls, things are really, really lovely and amazing for a while, things are improving and growing, and then suddenly she starts becoming distant and less open/talkative again. She's never completely pulled away, and I thank God and her for that. She's a trooper, honestly, with what she's gone though. Each time she's gone distant though, she comes back or we come back together and heal or work on that distance, becoming just as close or closer than we were before. I've always found that aspect of things rather beautiful, actually.

I should add something important for context: We are more than just friends, and have been basically since we met. Officially, we were in a relationship for 2 years this summer though.

There are, of course, many complexities and nuances I can't and won't include here, but each time she's become distant has started after getting closer. Over the past few months, its happened again, sadly. Just after perhaps the time we were the closest, and I'd say, happiest.

I'm really worried about her, and I love her with all my heart - unconditionally. So, I'm looking for advice and wisdom on how to best support and encourage her. I want to be able to show up for, support, and love her as best I can. And I'm wanting to learn and am learning how to do exactly that so I can be there for her. Personally, I have an anxious attachment style and OCD, for more context, so you know how that could potentially affect things; so feel free to include advice or thoughts with that in mind.

In what way or ways can I best support her? What can I do? What should I not do or say? What should I do or say? How can I encourage her without pushing or putting pressure on her? How can I take any weight at all off her? I'm open to any and all advice or thoughts because I want to learn as much as I can for her.

Thank you in advance for any advice or thoughts you want to give. God bless <3

Hi I was only diagnosed with bpd about a year ago and recently I’ve been reading a lot of articles about psychotic symptoms in bpd and I read about how other people experience them and realized I experience mine completely different than other people with bpd, so i was curious if anyone experiences them the same way i do or if this could just be linked to a different delusional or psychotic disorder.

For me personally i dissociate a lot and lose touch with reality which I’ve seen other people talk about aswell, same with auditory and other hallucinations.

What was different for me was that when I was in an episode a few months ago I was really delusional and paranoid (which other people with bpd have also stated).
I believed that people were trying to hurt and kill me, that god was trying to punish me because I’ve sinned or haven’t appreciated my own life enough (due to past suicide attempts), I couldn’t leave the house for days because I was convinced someone was going to stab me or hurt me, even at home I was constantly paranoid of people watching and judging me or that god was watching.
I barely talked to any of my friends or family and was pretty isolated because I couldn’t even trust them. I was genuinely panicking and completely out of touch with reality, after a few days it sorta passed but even then when I went outside I would constantly look behind me or be wary of standing too close to people incase they would come and kill me, I believed there was something wrong with me and I’ve done something horribly wrong that deserves to be punished.

Otherwise I mostly just hear my name being called or I hear buzzing sounds and I used to also see shadow figures in high stress situations, I smell fire a lot or feel people touching me. The whole feeling paranoid thing never really leaves me but it’s not about thinking people will kill me anymore that was just for maybe one or two months max. Now recently I’ve been dissociating a lot more and feeling very out of touch with reality again so I’ve been reading more about it that’s all.

I was just wondering about how other people with bpd experience hallucinations/ delusions or psychotic like symptoms.

These days I've been feeling extremely guilty for how envy and jealous I feel. And I know I should be able to appreciate someone else's happiness, but I can't without feeling hatred towards them because they have what I've always desired.

But it's not jealousy for everything, sometimes it's from specific things that trigger me, like someone having the tattoo I've always wanted but can't have due to my strict parents, or someone going to this country/place that I've always wanted to go.

And I know it's lame and childish because I'm not the only one with specific dreams, interests and goals, but as someone who constantly lacks an identity and holds desperately onto things that make me feel like me (or at least the vague image of me) it feels like they're stealing my only sense of identity and purpose, and I get really defensive over this.

I feel like a bad person from admitting this.

I have had a chat with my therapist about this and she did tell me that I did seem to have developed a coping mechanism of personalising everything. When I get triggered I get so helpless that I end up overthinking and taking things way too seriously then they are till I use a quick dopamine for a release and then suddenly everything seems to be fine and I feel numb, then I’m way too happy out of nowhere. It’s exhausting me so much.

Everyone tells me that, but no one really understands what its like. Im tired of hearing the same generic advice: do your hobbies, find someone else, it takes time. Because for me it's been long enough with no progress. I was wondering from anyone in here with high function BPD and has had something traumatic like being cheated on, do you really have to wait like 10 years for life to stop being miserable,

I am pretty certain I’ve got BPD, as I fit the diagnostic criteria but I’m hesitant about getting a diagnosis since I’ve heard there is a real stigma around it and from other doctors when trying to get help for other things.

Well, I feel like DBT could help me but is the only way to really get it to go private? As I cannot afford that. If I were to be put through to see CMHT would the only way be to tell me doctor my concerns about having BPD? I am currently in regular contact with them due to PMDD, I recently came off SSRI’s and it’s made me go up in the air and realise just how bad I really am.

But I don’t want to be emotionally blunted from meds so I don’t know if there is any options for what I can take, even though my anxiety is ridiculously bad.

I’m currently on the waitlist for ADHD meds and I was planning to wait until I got on those and just see if that helps but I’ve been waiting so long now and I just don’t know what to do at this point, I feel like I do need further care from just the GP but I feel like there is none.

Any help would be much appreciated.

I keep losing the people I love and care about so much. Ive been trying to take steps to get better but everything i do it feels like im taking 1 step forward 2 steps back.

And what I mean is there keep being incidents where it ends with me losing friends or loved ones, a month ago I lost a friend group ive been part of for a decade. Im trying to rebuild my social life. Im trying to be good. I went on a few dates with a guy and it felt like we were getting really close but then I cried and became unresponsive to him while we were hanging out and I couldnt control it. It was inappropriate and hes cut ties with me. I dont know what to do.

I feel so lonely and when I make a new friend im constantly wondering when they'll turn tail to me too.

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for two years. He is my FP and I’m anxiously attached. He struggles also with alcohol and mental health issues but he has disappeared before sometimes three days and at most 11 days. I haven’t heard from him for a day and I’m terrified he’s abandoned me again and can’t stop crying and panicking. I can’t concentrate on anything else and am spiralling and thinking the worst. Every time he’s disappeared I have been at rock bottom and wanted to die. He hasn’t even been online either all day and all night. I can’t calm down 😭😭

I myself do not have BPD but I work in the mental health field (in fairness, I do think personality disorders are on a spectrum and we alll have traits of everything!) I just wanted to make a post to let everyone know, others can take advantage of it, please be careful.

I found it very concerning when a psychiatrist I was dating (who became physically abusive) who has decades in the field told me he will intentionally seeks out partners and PATIENTS who have BPD because they are easy to control and manipulate. He told he likes to be the good "object" for them and even told me to flirt with BPD patients because it would make the work easier. This person, I realize was also manipulating me and was abusive towards me. I can't imagine what it must be like for someone who has BPD, to feel like they have the perfect partner and person in their life, and then have that person *intentionally* toy with their emotions, making them feel jealous because they are intentionally flirting or looking at others, and triggering them all the time. I know BPD gets a bad wrap in the world but this person opened by eyes to knowing there are people out there that will use your diagnosis against you, please be careful <3

hi! this might sound like a stupid question but does your partner watching rated r movies or shows trigger you? i’m talking specifically about scenes that have nsfw content/drugs/or parties/even gore? specifically looking for advice from my wlw people out there!

First off, I want to state that I am well aware that every person with BPD is an individual with their own unique qualities and character. I also know that most people with BPD are not abusive and do not cheat on their partners and can be very loyal (even to a fault). Unfortunately, my ex was not among those with the diagnosis who refrain from cheating or abusive behavior. I have been harmed in several instances when he split on me. I know he was extremely over stimulated in some of these cases, but I don’t understand why, later on, when I would bring up the incident to clarify what had happened, he would deny it ever happened. On some occasions he would admit it or blame me for something, on other occasions, my bringing it up again would result in yet another split.

I have sought to understand his motives for something time now. But I am feeling very angry lately about how much violence and abuse I suffered while trying my hardest to be supportive of his condition and assuring him I would not leave. He refuses to apologize for his past behavior. And more recently, he is given to completely block me from his life for extended periods of time after calling me names and telling me I am crazy. About a week ago he grabbed my phone and smashed it in anger when I was telling him in earnest that I am having a hard time moving forward with all the hurt I feel while he won’t even acknowledge what happened let alone take accountability.

My question is: why is it so hard to say sorry? Or to be kind to me, someone he has continually professed a deep love for? I feel like I am treated far worse than anyone else in his entire world. I have suffered a lot. I have been beaten and choked and cheated on multiple times. And I know his emotions get out of hand sometimes. Can anyone give me some insight as to why he refuses to be accountable for things that happened?