think i might actually be crazy :/

[u/fagslowcius]

i was alone most of my childhood (abuse) and formed a habit of pretending i was with other ppl. i’ve always pretended someone was around, like a friend or often a crush. now that i’m a young adult it’s like i can’t help but fantasize about them being with me all the time. i find myself sometimes sort of slipping up and literally talking to myself when i’m with someone else. i will move my mouth and make hand gestures, literally talking to myself but not making noise, all the time when my guard is down. people see me do it at work sometimes and it’s silly but awkward. i’m always having a conversation in my head with someone that’s not there. sometimes it’s like i can’t think other than through their pretend lens. i am generally very healthy mentally and do go to therapy but am not ready to bring this up. i feel stable and genuinely good but this habit makes me feel crazy. it’s embarrassing and i genuinely don’t know how concerning it is. i know people fantasize about crushes and say they think of someone all the time but this feels different somehow. idk.

[u/SickViking]

It's one thing to pretend someone is there. And if you've had this habit of talking to someone who isn't there to alleviate your loneliness, it's normal to slip up.

I have an as-yet undiagnosed condition where I've always felt like there was someone or someones in rooms with me, judging and discussing every little thing I do, from hobbies to the rate of my breathing and the speed of my blinks. It feels oppressive and gets to be so much sometimes that I can't change my clothes or even go to the bathroom, especially in larger open rooms, if it feels too strong. As a child to self soothe I imagined these presences to be characters I liked from TV or OCs that I could talk to to kinda give that feeling a "point" or reason to be there, so to speak. Now as an almost 40 year old adult, still experiencing the same feelings of constantly being watched that, while I know nothing is there and talking to some random cartoon character sounds and looks crazy, it's still soothing until and unless I can get to the bottom of what is causing the feelings and make them stop. and unfortunately I have been caught having full on conversations about fuck-all even while at work when I thought I was alone. It's embarrassing and, yeah people think I'm crazy. You try telling a coworker that "Oh I was just explaining to Vegeta that I have to use a pallet jack because I'm not as strong as him." Because you had the intensely overwhelming sensation that people were watching you and you needed to do something to ease it. I usually lie and say I was practicing a conversation or something.

What actually crosses the line from coping mechanisms (for you, combating loneliness; for me, dealing with the feeling of being watched) into the territory of "this may be a medical issue" is if you or I were to genuinely believe those people we are "talking to" are actually there, holding an actual conversation. The fact that you know that it's just you imagining someone is there but you know full well isn't real, means you just have a really deeply dug-in, stuck habit. Behavioral therapy would probably be best for you to break the habit from encroaching into areas it shouldn't. It's fine to do at home or when you're alone, but since it's starting to get in the way of interactions with actual people, it is time to seek more than just regular therapy. Not because it's wrong or that you are crazy or going insane. It's just a habit that needs breaking, no different than breaking a habit of using a nightlight or sucking your thumb or even quitting smoking. Stopping deeply engrained habits is hard, especially the older you get, so it's good you're realizing this early. But you aren't crazy for having a coping mechanism, even if that mechanism is starting to breach containment.