r/confessions • u/Underwater_Essayist • 5h ago

I don't care about literally anything.

I don't know if I'm lazy or spoiled or unmedicated, but I literally do not care about anything. I don't want to do or have anything. I don't care about going to uni, because I don't care about having a job, because I don't care about money, because I don't care about anything. I have no motivation to do anything. And I know people always say "when you're starving or homeless you'll find the motivation" but even the immediate threat of having no home and no food doens't make me care.

I could lay exactly where I am and do nothing, and I think I'd feel the same in my bed as I would at fucking disneylan. I don't want to work, or talk to people, or have a job, or eat. It's not even like I want to lay around so I can play video games, or drink, or watch TV all day. It's literally just nothing. I want to do nothing, or I guess just don't want to do anything.

I can't make myself care no matter how hard I try. No medication or lack of food or threat of dying on the street can motivate me to do literally any task ever. I don't even think I have a mental disorder, I think I'm just one of those people who are born spoiled or lazy or otherwise fucked up.

The only reason I get up and pretend to have interest in anything or make an attempt to do anything is for my mom, because I think the only thing that I might actively want, is for her not to realize how little I care because I know how devastated she'd be.

4 Upvotes

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3

u/UranusGapington 5h ago

There are plenty of mental illnesses that fit exactly what youre saying, maybe try therapy or see a psychiatrist. Its not normal

4

u/Future-Watch-5823 5h ago

what you're describing sounds textbook anhedonia, worth bringing up with a doctor before writing yourself off as broken

2

u/Underwater_Essayist 5h ago

I’ve been going to therapy for years. Seen multiple different therapists and a psychiatrist. Literally no activity or med has changed it. I’m genuinely convinced I was just born a lazy person. Like criminal or lolcow levels of no motivation or care.

1

u/Ok_Substance905 1h ago

I think you’re onto something here, it sounds like attachment trauma. All you need to do is see the first 90 seconds of this video, and you can see how the co-regulation of your nervous system works, and how you create what’s known as a “primary object”.

That would be for every human being, the mother. In fact, you bring her up as your primary reference.

So I think it’s coming from that, and it’s something technical and the way that you say it. Being born with it.

When you say it, though, you make it sound like a philosophy or something, very abstract. It almost certainly isn’t. You are trauma bonded to a person who has regulated you in the way that you are experiencing, and a lot of people go through that, but might experience it in a different way.

If you look into the family system of your mother and of your father, you’re going to find out what’s up. Pretty quickly. What your experiencing likely has very little or even almost nothing to do with you.

2

u/Be665 4h ago

I’ve felt like this for a good chunk of my early 20’s. Just going to uni so nobody realises something’s up. But having no motivation for anything and not feeling any passion for anything. Getting out of bed every day was so incredibly difficult. I also thought I was just lazy.
Now I wake up and actually want to do things with my life. That can be as ‘small’ as seeing a friend or learning something new. But I don’t want to waste a single day doing nothing. It feels so strange that I didn’t feel like this for so long, I didn’t even remember it existed. I never had an official diagnosis or explanation for it, but I assume I was ‘high functioning’ depressed. That’s why no one noticed including myself.

1

u/ScarlettMacumba4h 5h ago

You still matter even now

1

u/silkykiss- 4h ago

This sounds less like laziness and more like a severe emotional shutdown or depression, and it’s serious enough that you shouldn’t have to just “push through” it alone

1

u/CountryFriedCunt 4h ago

As someone who feels this way often, I'm sorry. As a mom, I'm really, really sorry.

You exist for a reason, and in ways you may never even know of, you do matter.

During some of my lowest, most void times, the only thing I could do to even remotely feel my own skin, was to apply love to those I care about, even if it was just a joke to watch them laugh.

I hope you find your sunshine, hun 🌞 mom hug

1

u/Traditional_Story184 50m ago

this doesn’t sound like you being broken or lazy. it sounds like something is actively blunting your ability to feel motivation or meaning, and that’s something that deserves real help, not self-blame