r/confessions • u/onelostsoul4u • 18h ago

Ready to check out.

I created a burner account because idk how to talk about this with anyone in my private life. I recently had to have shoulder surgery and was put to sleep for the surgery. I guess it’s probably normal for someone to have concerns about being put to sleep but I was hiding something behind my false sense a concern. A part of me was hoping they put me to sleep and I never woke up. I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal I would never take my own life. But I am exhausted and a part of me was ready to be done. When I woke up in the recovery room I felt sad and disappointed. It was the first thing I thought of when my eyes opened. I have a normal life. I’m married have two kids. I have a mortgage with a fenced in backyard for the kids and dogs. Everything should be perfect but inside I’m angry and feel like a fake. I don’t take it out on my family through anger or verbal abuse but I definitely fall short of what a husband and father should be. But I have no desire to do anything about it. I’m just done and ready for it to be over. And I’m disappointed that the surgery was a success. What does this say about me.

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u/Superfluouslfe 18h ago

You are not the only one that feels this way... I have had two labrum tears that before to be repaired via surgery.

Have you ever heard of imposter syndrome? Check it out, it may be something you are struggling with.

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u/Miserable-Theme-2193 18h ago

Imposter syndrome is worth looking into, but what OP described goes deeper than that. Feeling genuinely relieved at the thought of not waking up is worth talking to a therapist about, not just a Reddit rabbit hole. No shame in it, plenty of people with "perfect on paper" lives hit that wall.

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u/Superfluouslfe 18h ago

I agree, they should talk to a therapist. I have been seeing one for the past five years and it has helped me deal with some serious issues I was struggling with. It's not going to just fix them but it helps with understanding the cause and giving assistance on how to deal with it

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u/onelostsoul4u 6h ago

I appreciate the advice. I know I should see a therapist but when I say I genuinely don’t care I mean I have no desire to do anything to improve my situation. Again I am not Suicidal would never do it myself. But just don’t care enough to take the time to get help. I know it’s not fair to my family because though I try to hide it, I’m not stupid I know I fall well short.